3. "cooper"

this one…
this’s gonna
hurt a little…
not so easy to
talk about him…

alright, let’s go.

december 18th, real
early in the morning,
mama wakes me up
after minuscule sleep,
she wants me to be
with you for a little.
i wanna sleep more
but she tells me that
it’s time for you to go.
i’m about to spend my
last minutes with you,
our final little cuddle,
the last time i’d pet you,
the last time i could say
“i love you” to your face.
she comes back to me
to take you from my bed,
“bye-bye, puppy” are
the last words i say.

i wish i said more.

i fall back asleep and
i wake up to a text,
mama told me that
heaven opened up
and brought you in.
we spent 12 years
in love and joy, but
now it’s time to go.
i couldn’t do anything
but write that day.
dad cried all day,
bro didn’t love it,
mom hid the pain,
i hid in my room, and
the only way that i
could comfort myself
was to write something
dedicated to you.

and life honestly
feels weird now
without you here.
there’s a new boy
roaming the house,
but he’s not quite as
open as you are,
at least not to me.
he loves mom and pop,
but won’t run to me
like you did before.
know that you’re
never forgotten,
your picture hangs
right above my bed,
so you never leave
my memory ever,
and my love for you
never goes away.

i don’t even have time
for a long ad-lib here…
that one drained me…
i miss you so much, bud…

cooper.

2. "what happens"

yeah, real talk…
tryna make this album
confident and all, but i…
i got some regrets here…

yeah.

you ever make something
you love and hate all at once?
you ever look at a body of work,
and think about how great it is,
but think of all that it’s missing?
you ever wish that you had spent
just a little bit more time on it, and
gave it a little more polish and love?

if you’re an artist, i’m sure you have.

first half writing all these
crazy great poems about
shit i never spoke of before.
insomnia and paranoia, and
the people you said hello to
but never gave a goodbye.
i made my case for being
the poetry king before, but
second album, i was ready
to steal the crown for myself.
spent so much time on it, and
gave it all the love it deserved.

but then, i stopped.

phoned in the last half,
wrote ‘em all real quick,
and i’ve written a lot in
a little bit of time before,
but this shit was worse,
pushed through the end
while sitting in a classroom,
end of the semester, i was
shit out of luck, not sure
where i wanted to go next,
it was heat of the moment,
and i can’t believe that i
got a competent product
out of the whole thing.

felt like i spent more time
taking pictures of school
for the cover of the album
than i did trying to really
finish it off with a bang.
what should’ve been a
massive, gigantic project
looks like missed potential
when i think about it now.
and i made matters worse
when i said on the album
that i didn’t want my dog
to die, and then he did,
wasn’t a week after i
posted the album that
buddy was put down.

pretty shitty christmas break that was.

i wanna look back and
be proud of what i made,
every album should be
special in its own way,
but that’s the one that
haunts me to this day.
maybe one day i will
look at it and love it,
but that’s not today.
though it did teach
one valuable lesson:
if you’re gonna write
a lot in a short time,
make sure your work
is the best stuff ever.
it’s gonna take time
to really love that one.

real talk…
what happens, just…
thinking about it kinda
got me in my feelings…
like…shit, i jinxed myself
super hard on that one…
album still hurts today…

what happens.

1. "freedom of the verse"

man, first album…
so many memories here…
mostly bad ones but damn…
how much i’ve grown since then…

september 15th, 1:58 am,
she didn’t want me but i
couldn’t fall out of love,
ran to the notepad and
typed something out,
no rhymes, no rhythm,
just straight thoughts
about love and want,
i was ready to wait
my whole damn life
for her to be ready.
should’ve read the
writing on the wall,
but i fell too deep,
don’t tell me twice
attachment was and
has been my demon.

but what started as
a single piece about
my love for this girl
grew into a bigger
body of work that i
didn’t imagine i’d
make in short time.
just over a month to
write 10 poems for
a full-length album.

i didn’t think so, either.

it wasn’t just about the
crushes and infatuation,
it was an exploration of
hatred and anger, and
a side of me i hadn’t
shared with the world
back then, because i
just seemed like the
happy-go-lucky kid.
“he’s always so sweet,
he loves positivity, too,
is there a negative bone
in that sweet boy’s body?”

truth be told, there is, and
there’s a lot of anxiety, too,
all that and more popped off,
you wouldn’t think about it
but the frustrations grew and
the doubts swirled in my head.
sing along if you know this,
the overthinking occurred.
it was all there and more
on my first body of work,
and i’m still proud of it.
wouldn’t have thought i’d
put out more than that one
back in october of 2017,
but the first one went and
pushed me to keep at it,
work hard and do my best
with all that i’ve been given,
diverse set of poems there,
yeah, the topics were varied,
and while you don’t become
a king off of just one project,
i think i made my argument.

yeah,
freedom of the verse, man…
still special to this day…
gotta love when the album
that gave you your start still
hits hard even after so long…
timeless poetry…timeless…

freedom of the verse.

one year preface

to coincide with the one-year anniversary of when i wrote my first poem (which was “my dear,” might i add), i decided to write a new full-length album “one year.” i even went a little longer with it and wrote 12 poems instead of my standard 10. it’s basically a celebration of every full-length album (10 or more poems) that i’ve written to date, where i basically talk about the thought process that went into each album and basically take you behind the scenes of what inspired the albums, what i think of them now, and more. it’s also a slightly more confident album, and it does feature a few more touches of braggadocio sprinkled in there. i’ll give some brief descriptions below:

1. “freedom of the verse” - the first full-length album i wrote. this one dealt with a diverse range of topics, from heartbreak to anger to even some political messages.

2. “what happens” - my sophomore album. this was one i actually had a few regrets about, which you’ll see in the poem.

3. “cooper” - obviously, an album i wrote about my dog, who passed away in december of 2017.

4. “i’m still me” - my longest album yet (well, tied with this one), and an album that even touched on some weird, unexpected topics.

5. “all in the mind” - my first troll album.

6. “party time” - my first attempt at telling a fictional story across an album, and my first real attempt at making an album where you have to read the poems from 1-10 to understand said story.

7. “king’s back” - a much more confident album that sees me bragging about myself, and my standing as a poet.

8. “electric boogaloo” - my second troll album. i said i’d be a failure if i didn’t make a piece of art called “electric boogaloo,” so i did.

9. “big kid” - a much weirder album structurally, but one that showcases me in a vulnerable state, being scared of growing up.

10. “polarized” - an album that touches on a very difficult topic that i’m not sure many people picked up on: bipolar disorder.

11. “i’m not okay” - an album where i hit my all-time lowest point, and pretty much was not happy whatsoever.

12. “one year” - it’s a poem about the album you’re reading! yay!

start

one year later, and i’m
right where i was then,
hopelessly devoted,
stuck in this state of
endless attachment,
just setting myself up
to be broken in the end.
love’s a vicious cycle,
it’s hard to escape from,
your brain says to stop,
but your heart holds out
for that 1% chance that
everything goes right.

there’s no logic to love,
it’s all in the feelings,
once you fall too deep,
there’s no going back.
and here i am in bed,
lying to myself again,
thinking that one day
we’ll be together when
all i’m doing is letting
myself get hurt more.
everyone asks why i’m
so distant these days,
“matt, are you okay?”
i tell them i’m fine, but
i’m really broken inside,
i feel like a fuck-up, too.

it’s hard to hide it all
behind a smile, but i’m
trying my best to do it.
every time i look at us,
i feel like this all could’ve
just been avoided if i had
known what to say before,
lowered my walls for once
and actually let you in
when you wanted me to.
now when i come around,
it was too little too late,
and i’ll never be with you.

why do i always do
this shit to myself?
the king of letting
a good thing slip,
always having to
think about things,
never able to just
go with my gut,
try something out,
always a bad cycle
and it destroys me
in the very end.
wanted to pass out
while i was in class,
i’m in so much pain,
and i wish i could
just stop feeling.

fuck my emotions.

dear everyone

dear mom,
i’m sorry that
i always look
like i’m sad or
mad at things,
and i’m sorry i
tell you “i’m fine”
when i’m really not.
i just don’t want
to make a big deal
out of my shit, and
get you involved.

dear dad,
i’m sorry that i
wrote that poem
dissing you before,
i didn’t release it
but i still read it,
heat of the moment,
had to let it out,
maybe i went too far,
and i know it can hurt.

dear brother,
i’m sorry that i’m
always an ass to you,
i know it’s what brothers
do to each other, but i
feel like i overstep and
don’t even realize it.
i get too harsh and i
end up hurting you,
physically and mentally.

dear best friends,
i’m sorry that i’m never
the one who texts first,
i’m sorry that i can’t
make exciting plans,
do exciting things, and
give you the love that
a best friend deserves.
i’m sorry that i always
talk down on myself when
you always pipe me up,
and i’m sorry i can’t just
take the damn compliment.

dear crush,
i’m sorry that i can’t
fall out of love with you,
and i’m sorry i’m not
the person you want.
i’m sorry that i can’t be
stronger and less wimpy,
i’m sorry i’m so stubborn,
i’m sorry i always find
ways to fuck things up,
and i’m sorry i couldn’t
just say “yes” when you
had feelings for me before.

dear people crushing on me,
i’m sorry that i always push
each of you guys away, and
i’m sorry that i get even more
awkward around you when
i don’t reciprocate feelings.
i’m sorry i can’t just ask for
a little bit of space from you
because i’m so worried that
i’ll hurt you and cause drama.

dear future wife/husband,
i’m sorry you’ll have to deal
with this emotional mess for
every single day of your life.
i’m sorry i’ll drive you away,
make you want someone that’s
more capable of keeping shit
together for more than a week,
i’m sorry i’ll end up so clingy
that you’ll get uncomfortable
and tell me to go fuck myself.

dear everyone,
i’m sorry you see me here,
saying words of self-loathing
over and over and over again,
and i’m sorry i don’t try to
just fix my damn problems
instead of writing them down.
i’m sorry that i can’t drop
another project where i just
brag about the great things
and forget about the sad things,
and i’m sorry that i tire you
with my repetitious themes.

dear me,
i’m sorry that we’re
back in this hole again.

the night is young

young love is funny,
it moves as slow or
as fast as you want,
sometimes it’s weird
and a bit unexpected
but for just a moment,
the world around you
comes to a full halt.
you savor every small
second of it, in hope
that it will never end.

chilling turns to cuddling,
cuddling turns to kissing,
and then, out of nowhere,
your body up against mine.
it’s more than i imagined
but i love it all the same,
and as you bite your lip,
i pull you in closer and i
never wanna let you go.
when all the music fades
and the room falls silent,
all that really matters is
that you’re here with me,
as we lay together and
share in the beauty of it.

the night is young,
time’s on our hands,
let’s keep this going
as long as we can.
while the world tries
to figure itself out,
and anger tries to
place a firm grasp,
let’s forget all that
and just be together.
you here with me,
nothing else better,
your lips kissing mine,
your body against me,
just you and i together,
that’s all i really need.