3. powerless

all my life,

i’ve been dealing

with a tyrant,

but all this fucker

wants is for me

to be silent,

i’m tired of lying

and pretending

you’re always right,

i’ve said my piece

on works

the world may never

get to read,

i’ve held it back

to protect you,

if you think this is mean,

picture the quotes

i once wrote

that won’t get released.

dealt with the policing

and all the times

i just had to “suck it up,”

all the days i heard,

“think of the good he’s done,”

as if that forgives

the pain you’ve caused,

searched for the root

of my anxiety,

and found it traced

back to you,

all the threats,

all the silencing,

pulling my hair

and grabbing my face,

gaslight and manipulate,

never allowed to make a case

because you tried

to silence me.

guess the only way

you’ll ever change

is if i say it here,

you took away my voice,

but you’ll never take

the written word,

and if it stings,

i guess you’ll know

what i’ve felt

for all these years.

you want independence?

well, here it is:

my independent decision

to call you on your shit,

fight against the abuse,

you made me out

to be the weakling,

“you need to grow a pair,”

if that’s the case,

i can only ask you this:

is this strong enough for you?

2. more than this

flash back to the past,

loved time with friends,

just feeling fine,

the joys and highs,

never had to worry

about a thing

other than how long

we could stay awake,

play video games all day,

ignore the world,

sit in bliss

and sing the praises

for all the great things

life gave to us,

never felt any pain.

we were happy then,

now we’re depressed,

left to lick our wounds

as these challenges

weigh down on us,

and the friend

you once called

your “BFF” is gone,

all they’ll ever be

is a memory,

a pale shadow

of a time

when everything

was carefree,

before our spirits

were drained.

now it’s lonely,

the victories

ring hollow,

no matter the size,

big or small,

i only feel lost,

this life seems false,

and i find myself

yearning for more,

wishing to be happy

like the once bright,

positive guy,

but it feels like my light

no longer shines,

will my stars ever align?

i want more than this.

1. i feel nothing

another day
feels just like the last,
only joy i can find
is in trying to turn
back the clock,
even spending time
with the things i love
just isn’t enough,
all the avenues
i try to take
and none of them
make me happy
like they used to.
“how are you doing?”
feels too difficult
to give an answer to.

i feel nothing.
i want to smile
and tell them all
that everything is fine,
but it’s not.
neither happy nor sad,
no emotion at all,
the months are passing
one by one
with no sign of the sun,
everything’s dulled,
every day, i ask myself
what’s to look forward to,
and i still can’t
figure out the answer.

even as i try
to finish this poem,
my mind wanders away,
what do i say?
the words don’t come
as quickly as before,
i overthink each line
that i write,
does it sound natural?
have i spoken too much?
maybe said too little?
why does one poem
leave me so tired?
when did poetry
become so draining?
why didn’t i have
to worry about this
back in 2018?
one stanza
didn’t take this long
back then, did it?

where did i go?

update EP preface

 

i wanted this new poetry project to be a surprise release, and now, it's finally here. it's my first EP in well over two years, and it's simply called "update EP." as the title suggests, it's essentially just an update. as it's been a good amount of time since my last poem (and my last album), i thought it would be good to show you guys how i've been feeling. originally, this was going to be a mini-album, but the last two poems were not coming together, so i scrapped them and turned the remaining ones into an EP. being pinned down by the pressure of a full-length album can be stressful, so sometimes, it's fun to put out a project that's not a full 10 poems. this one was tough, but i'm definitely really proud of it: 

1. i feel nothing

2. more than this

3. powerless

fuck your idols

i wanna wake up,

waiting on my dream

to reach its end,

but this nightmare

never stops its cycle,

at every turn,

you think it can’t

get any worse,

but each day,

newly inflicted pain,

right when you feel

you can get away,

it gets louder,

your trust is taken

by the ones

you once looked up to.

what good is it

to have idols

when all of them

are predators?

preying,

making it unsafe,

then they run away,

stay quiet

when the eyes

are all on them,

i don’t care what God

you’re praying to,

no matter what you say,

can’t look the same way,

i’m ashamed that

i ever idolized you,

you were once the loudest,

now it’s radio silence,

there’s no defense

you can make

to sway me this time,

get out of here,

never come back,

i don’t wanna hear

a word from you again.

fuck your idols.

11. graduation (bonus track)

the big day arrives,

and the only thing

i think about

is how badly

i don’t wanna be here.

in this time to shine,

rock my cap and gown

and show the world

that i made it out alive,

i don’t feel the hype.

the chance for closure,

i should be delighted,

but i feel nothing,

all these messages

i’m bound to receive,

all the praise they’ll send,

i don’t feel worthy of it.

and i’m not excited for it.

shoutout to the people

that didn’t make it through,

i sympathize,

sometimes you peek

behind the curtain,

but you feel

like it isn’t right.

wish the best for you guys,

find your happiness,

and don’t let anyone

throw shame your way,

take this life

at your own pace,

and make yourself proud.

i wish i could do that

as i take this step,

one i don’t feel

prepared for yet,

had the rug pulled

from underneath me,

and now, i’m out the door,

scared to face the world

but i’m lunged forth,

adolescence got ripped

and i’m on edge,

will i really make it?

can i do the great things

they tell me i will?

will i fade away

in a split-second snap?

supposed to be up,

but i’m running on fumes,

the proudest accomplishment

feels like a hollow victory,

on a day of celebration,

of looking back fondly

on all that i’ve done,

i feel worthless,

all i want right now

is to wall off,

seclude myself,

hard to believe it,

they say i succeeded,

but i’ve never felt more

like a failure in my life.

happy graduation day.

10. self-destructive

gone ballistic,

life’s biggest cynic

only spill more pain

in each lyric,

i can’t see straight,

tough to say i’m okay,

but that’s the only word

that comes out,

tough to explain it,

feel like i’m self-destructing,

any day, i’ll just break down,

on the verge of shutting off,

walk into another wall,

still in a desperate crawl

for some meaning or reason.

almost got the urge

to burst into a church,

rockin’ my xo shirt,

middle fingers up,

scream “fuck the world,”

maybe He’ll hear that,

years of ignoring,

turning against me

and the ones i love,

maybe He’ll listen,

he’ll finally see me

when i come to bargain,

start to pick the bone

after He sowed the seeds

of doubt in my mind,

and spat out the prayers

right back in my face.

you took everything from me,

i never forgot,

started with my job,

claimed my friends

and took love from my soul,

ripped my college away,

i can tell you’re trying

to take poetry from me,

and now it’s feeling

like you want my life.

i’m not just your puppet,

and i’m not ready to go,

you’ve taken the positivity,

sucked away everything,

but i no longer fear you,

my worship,

you’re not worth it,

won’t help me

or the ones i prayed for.

get right with you?

nah, that time‘s gone,

and i’m not coming around.