23

life got put

on the standstill

and suddenly,

i can’t spill,

priorities change,

my words don’t

come out the same,

but as i take my time

away from the game,

i see how much

has changed,

the progress i’ve made,

poetry saved me,

inspired me to change,

i don’t drop

like i once did,

but i’m in a better place

than i was then.

i walked

through the flames

and lost a lot

on the way,

people came and went,

some i thought

i couldn’t live without,

i’d learn to doubt,

and i turned cynical,

saw through the sheen

and witness the difficult,

i know i’m not spitting

like when 2018 matt

was livid

with the written word,

spiraled and tried

to make his feelings viral,

a constant tidal wave

of pain and self-hate

that i couldn’t escape.

but now i’ve made it.

found my inner peace

and comfort,

i suffered before,

but like cudi,

i’m reborn,

and i’m moving towards

a place of ease,

somewhere i’m meant

to be,

gave myself time

to breathe,

and while anxiety

doesn’t fully cease,

it’s nice to control

and have a reprieve.

even if the poetry

takes a leave,

it’ll come back,

and i’ll always

have it with me,

because a writer

never sleeps.

23.

10. trust

i’ve watched

my world crumble,

the pain increased,

i’ve seen the lack

of empathy

in many that i meet,

saw idols turn to rivals,

looked down on those

that stood taller,

peaked behind the curtain

and saw the evil,

now i’m rejecting love,

i’ve let my heart grow cold,

allowed my trust

to dissipate

as i navigate

to avoid the snakes.

22, and i already feel

like i’ve had enough,

put through the wringer

and i still feel soaked,

had to save myself

from the stress

of society

and try to find

my own happiness,

even as i’ve turned

and embraced the cynic

that’s been living in me

since i had to fake

all those smiles.

but i’m learning how

to trust my mental,

it’s not the best

but it’s what i’ve got,

pieced together

and stitched with flaws,

mistakes will be made,

but we work to fix them,

i’ll be with me

from here on out,

no matter how tough,

who comes and who goes,

i’ll always have me,

a constant work in progress,

but a content soldier

with a point to prove

and a mark to be left.

so let’s do it.

9. blackballed

i don’t give in

to a system,

i don’t bite my tongue,

and i won’t let a soul

tell me what i write,

right or wrong,

i shape my stories,

place these words

on the page

and keep on fighting

as i wait for the day

where i get to bask

in the glory

of the success i made

that they all tried

to take away.

ever since i wrote “career,”

i’ve been blackballed,

the demons wanted me

to take the fall,

they’ve been haunting

and finding ways

to cause my failure

for far too long now,

feel like i’ve lived

every day

with my back planted

against the wall,

used to them wanting

to see me collapse,

but i’ll get my wins,

and on the way up,

they’ll be the ones

that’ll lose.

watch your chickens

come home to roost

for all the years

you threw me aside,

had so much pride

but out came the lies,

you tried to sabotage,

mess with my mind,

but try as they might,

i won’t fall down,

i’ll lead the way,

carve out my lane,

and when they try

to crawl back,

i’ll remind ‘em

of the times

where they turned,

tried to hold me down,

but you won’t put me out.

just wait and see.

8. run away

i’ve got things in life

i wanna leave behind,

the remnants

and memories

i’ve tried to forget,

burn it all away

and take the ones

that make life heavy,

remove me from the hell

that they create,

the toxicity that weighs

and takes a toll,

as their chaos grows,

it’s hard to go

and find a happy place,

because i’m stuck

in this awful state.

surprised to find

that time has not

been kind to you,

through all the years,

you never grew,

numbers went up

but you stayed the same,

never made a change,

i always took the blame,

all the things you did

for selfish gain,

made me believe

that i was at fault,

went about it

without a lick of regret,

and i’m sick and tired

of this insult.

i wanna run away,

change this part

of my story,

remove you from it,

handle myself

without the weight

of your pressure,

i wanna prove

my independence

that you contend

i have none of,

there’s no amending

for the sins of your past

when they bleed so much

into your present self,

i gave you every chance,

but now, i’m done.

just let me go.

7. loyalty

i live quietly,

but best believe

i see the signs,

take note of the energy,

watch all the fakes,

how they’re pampered,

made to believe

they’re the ones

doing it right,

no accountability,

just a shower of gifts,

while the rest compete

for slim pickings

because they don’t get

the pedestal.

punish the good

and reward the bad,

pamper them

with hugs and kisses

and a pat on the back,

no matter how much

they harass,

the double standard

is laughable,

treated like they

saved the world

when all they were

was toxic,

treat them like royalty

and kick away

the genuine ones.

what’s it take

to get some loyalty

these days?

everyone’s got priorities

in the wrong places,

wasting their energy

on the people

who don’t deserve it,

the manipulators,

putting on faces

to get further

than everyone else,

but i can’t wait

to watch it all crumble,

catch you being met

with a terrible fate.

clock’s ticking.

6. no love

how am i over here

heartbroken over someone

i haven’t even met?

get the butterflies

when i see your face,

but i haven’t said a word,

and you’re perfect,

but i’m not the one,

and i see you happy

with another lover,

but for some reason,

i can’t get over it,

and i’m hurting from it.

what kinda nonsense is that?

and why am i missing

the one that manipulated

and took advantage of me?

it never worked out,

things fell apart quick,

and everyone says

it’s bad for my health,

but i want you back,

i want to live

in a world with no anger,

where cooler heads prevail,

where all that mess

is just a bad memory

that we can put in the past,

where things work out

and no one talks down

about who you were,

but they see the good

in who you are today.

too late for that, i’d say.

in my dreams,

all i’m seeing

is the romance,

the love, the sex,

things i’ve never wanted less,

but yet, they still exist,

when i drift to sleep,

my thoughts obsess

on what i don’t have,

can’t say i need them

but why do i see them?

how do i simultaneously

feel satisfied and lonely?

individual but codependent,

scared of a commitment

but still wishing for it?

what am i doing?

5. burnout

got so much to do,

but no time to get there,

and i’m teetering

on the edge

as i try to keep up,

my switch flickers off

but i don’t rest,

i push through the stress,

even if it wrecks me,

expecting a result

but getting nothing,

this should be more,

starting to feel

the chances of success

do nothing but lessen.

good things come

to those who wait,

but i’ve been patient

for way too long,

and as i look around,

i still wonder

if i lost my shot,

wonder if i’ll ever find

a sense of triumph

as a content soldier

trying to make

the battalion proud,

but instead, i drown,

with no slowing down,

i’m stuck with this burnout.

the tank’s on empty,

but frantically,

the pedal gets pushed,

trying to get it going,

but i’m slowing,

the lack of stamina’s

got my brain

all over the place,

moving every direction

except forward,

and i’m waiting

for the day where i crash,

buried by the burden,

back to feeling worthless,

thought i made progress,

but i’m back where i started.