3. existential

another day

spent questioning

the same things,

just wanna be okay

but my brain

is in flames,

i’m running on fumes

because i can’t

stop focusing

on the thoughts

i don’t wanna have,

my thinking is obsessive

even when i’m trying

to rest it,

another bad spell,

except that this one’s

got my thoughts

feeling existential,

dread from a potential

quarter-life’s

got me feeling too reflective.

feels like

my life began

when i was 4,

wide-eyed in pre-school

and i didn’t even know

my own name,

like i blinked

and suddenly,

i’m alive,

what was life like

before that?

4.6 billion years

on the planet

but my memories

don’t last past 2002?

i just snapped awake

on that september day?

did i have a past life,

and if so,

why can’t i remember it?

the universe

is leaving me

with all these questions

but why can’t

nobody answer them?

i’m scared

of what’ll happen

when i die,

will everything

just fade black?

will i be forgotten?

everything could disappear

in an instant,

will all the hard work

be lost to time?

is it worth

even falling in love

when i know

they’ll leave this earth?

everybody faces

the same fate,

do people truly

reincarnate?

will i reawaken

under another name?

i know i’ll never

get the answers,

but that doesn’t mean

i’ll stop asking,

‘cause i’m too paranoid,

tryna lead

a satisfying life,

but happiness lasts

for only a fleeting time.

i’m terrified.

2. dependent

all that time

i spent talking

about growing up alone

is what i was

scared of the most,

i’m barely feeling

like i’m self-sufficient,

almost like i can’t

accomplish my missions

without supervision,

and no matter

how much i try

to convince myself

otherwise,

fear of abandonment

never subsides,

i feel like

i’m too much

to handle,

and i’m sorry

that i can’t

be better at it,

i’m really trying,

but i don’t want

to burden others

and allow my emotions

to smother.

it’s why i wanna tell

everyone i ever love

to run,

i’m scared to fall

because i’m too clingy,

i sabotage myself

whenever the feeling

starts to bubble up

because my mind

finds it hard to trust,

scars left unhealed

and i can’t resist

picking and making

the skin peel,

the existential dread’s

got me questioning

if i’m worthy of love,

something i want

to give plenty of,

but i’m scared,

so i keep the shields up,

i just want

one day

to have some comfort.

give me something

to make me forget,

all these obsessive

and intrusive thoughts

are planting the nest

inside of my mind,

i’m just tryna

lead a happy life,

one day,

i wanna feel

what it’s like

to be loved,

wanna have someone

i can take on

this life thing with,

it’s hard

to be individual,

especially when all

the pressure’s on,

i’m sorry i’m so dependent,

i just wish

for a minute,

i could get out

of my own head.

is that good?

1. just wanna dance

this year, i was depressed.

a mess of introspection

and existentialism,

reaching into a void

to break through the noise,

but i’m struggling

to make any myself,

will these words

ever ring out?

i feel like

i could scream

out of my lungs

and i’d still be

the quietest in the room,

feeling sensitive

to every word

being said,

25 but mentally,

i feel like i’m 10,

searching desperately

for some

character development

and a safe place

to rest my head.

am i giving up time

i could spend

with loved ones

just to write these words?

am i spending too much time

chasing social life

when i could be

working harder?

will i ever get out

of feeling like everything

is exploding around me?

will i ever feel like

i’m worth it to somebody?

what would anybody

even see in me

anyway?

will i ever gain

some independence

and stop letting

the DPD

control me?

my heart’s racing,

my brain’s chasing,

my thinking’s hazy,

i need a break.

fuck the fame,

i just wanna be stable,

i wanna see my people

reach their heights

and have their lives right,

i’m tired

of the industry lies

and all the worries

about the bottom line,

i’m tired of all the time

i spend crying

because i’m not alright,

i’m tired of feeling

like a failure,

thought my light

was meant to shine

but sometimes,

you burn out the brightest,

running out of ideas

in life

and in these words

that i write,

i just wanna calm

my mind,

relax and find

a good reason to…

“y’all don’t wanna hear me, you just wanna dance.”

the night shift EP preface

welcome back once again, one and all. i hope you’re making yourself comfortable, perhaps wrapping yourself in a warm blanket or in a hug from someone you love. today, i have prepared for you my ninth poetry EP, “the night shift EP.” i’ve never been afraid to get personal and admit some dark things here, and i feel like i should at this moment, as it will help contextualize the inspiration behind this project. i was a touch afraid to admit it, but as of late, i’ve been dealing with a quarter-life crisis and it’s caused a bout of depression and existentialism that i’ve been battling with for the past week or so. rest assured, i am working on getting the help i need, but while i wait for that, i wanted to unleash my feelings in the way that i know best: writing. this is one of the hardest projects i’ve written and released, but i’m proud to have gotten these thoughts off my chest and been able to release them into the world. i hope these words can help comfort some who may be going through the same things in silence; i think we can all use some comfort sometimes:

1. just wanna dance

2. dependent

3. existential

proud of you

it’s the darkest part

of the year,

should be filled

with joy and love

but all the lights

have gone off,

as my brain wanders,

i search for a sign,

something to cling to

that could bring me

to a calmer frame

of mind,

some sweet relief

in what they call

“the most wonderful time

of the year,”

trying to ward off

the existential thoughts

and fears

of what would happen

if everything was gone.

and i remember you.

the one whose smile

is enough

to bring me back

from the dark,

my heart

skips a beat

every time i see

your name,

you’ve made me smile

the brightest

during my worst days,

you might not

even realize

what you mean to me,

i thank the stars

in every way

for making sure

to place us

in the same room,

never wanna do

this thing

without you,

one of the few things

i can say

makes life great.

and to you,

i know believing

in yourself

is hard,

self-esteem

might make it seem

like you’re not seen

for who you are,

but i promise

that you’ll make it far,

i’m honored

to be part

of your journey,

best thing

that i get to be,

the one i’m always

most excited to see,

i know you been fighting,

but in case

you haven’t

told yourself lately,

i’m glad you’re here,

and i’ll do anything

to make you happy.

i’m proud of you.

3. i'm dying inside

another day

where i feel like

i’m just passing the time,

got the kind

of anxiety

that makes standing

feel like a chore,

just wanna lay down

on the floor

and stare up

at the ceiling,

life keeps revealing

all this pressure

i’ve been feeling,

i tried concealing it,

but i’m front row

at the grand unveiling,

i’m a disappointment,

every time

i find a good thing,

i destroy it,

and no matter

my habits,

i just can’t control it.

can’t even distract

myself from it,

my hobbies hardly

have the enjoyment

that they once brought,

there’s nothing to do

but twitter,

insta and youtube,

brain keeps going

in different directions,

offering new distractions

every time

i’m tryna be productive,

and somehow,

i’m too sad

to get the words out,

even though

this is supposed to be

the time

when i come alive,

tryna be a good guy

and keep the vibes high

while i’m dying inside.

waiting for the day

i get out

of my own way,

out of my own head,

i’m hanging by a thread

but i just wanna be

a better friend,

i got people

that need me,

and i wanna be there

for them,

be a helping hand

and a shoulder to cry on,

somebody to rely on,

everybody needs one,

try to be the one to help

even though i don’t

ask for it myself,

give them something

to smile about

even when i have nothing,

maybe then,

i won’t feel like

i have to keep running,

maybe then,

i’ll finally learn

what it’s like

to be worth something.

i’ll stand up eventually.

2. give up on love

all that cheesy shit

you hear about love

doesn’t seem so cheesy

when you’re alone,

25 years living,

and for most of it,

i thought i was good

on my own,

but when you’re in the dark

for so long,

it gets lonely,

a house doesn’t feel

like a home

with no one to hold,

told myself

all along

that i wouldn’t fall,

now i’m face first

on the floor

and i’m coming apart,

i see the seams

start to unweave

and i’m in stitches,

tryna knit myself

back together

and get used

to the fact

that i’ll be single forever.

seeing all these people

with their lovers

and wishing

for something similar,

why does everybody

seem prettier

when you’ve got no one?

wouldn’t stand a chance

with half the people

i’ve known,

they’re better off

if i just

left them alone,

the one i’m thinking of,

i probably annoy,

too scared to tell

how i really feel,

i wrote seven pages

and i still can’t say it,

just waiting

for the moment

where i fuck up

and make them

uncomfortable

like everyone else,

say too much

and drive them away,

sometimes i wonder

if i should just

give up on love.

what would i even

have to offer?

any potential lover

would be better off

running away

and finding another,

what if

they see me

angry?

it’s something

i don’t even

like to be

‘cause it reminds me

of the guy

i never wanna see,

what if i don’t have

enough money?

can’t pull my weight

to support a family?

what if i have

too many quirks

and insecurities?

my confidence

has been crushed

by the love,

guess it’s time

to realize

i’ll never have anyone.

that’s just my luck with love.