what do i say?

i wish i knew
what to say,
but it just
never comes out.
it’s all just fear
that it’s all my fault,
as i sit alone,
trapped in my bad thoughts
and do nothing but worry.

it always feel like,
when i’ve got
a good thing going,
i find some way
to fuck it up,
or at least,
that’s what my brain
tells me.
and i probably
am just thinking too much,
and i don’t have
a damn thing to worry about,
but my mind says otherwise.
it traps me
in this constant worry,
this never-ending state
of self-blame,
and even “thinking positive”
doesn’t take away from it.

i can spend a night out,
hang with my friends,
relax and have fun,
but when the dark
of night hits,
and i’m home alone
in my room,
all that i think of
is what went wrong.
everyone around me
will be like
“everything’s fine,”
but that won’t stop me
from thinking
that nothing is fine.

what do i say?

10. alone

there i was,
sat in the middle
of the empty floor,
smelling of alcohol,
clothes ruined,
completely forgotten.

all of those people
that trampled me
and tried to force me
to drink from them
just left me here
to find my way home
and try my best
to forget this night happened.

and to think
all of this
could’ve been avoided
if i hadn’t taken
that person’s hand
to dance.
instead, i’ll walk home,
not looking or smelling great,
thinking all about
all the people
that made me feel loved
but left all too quickly.

here i was,
thinking i was cared for,
but once the music ended
and the dancing stopped,
i realized that i was
just another statistic
to all of those people,
no one to remember,
just someone to use
and dispose of
all in one fell swoop.

i knew i should’ve stayed home.

9. carry

and wouldn’t you know it,
those people forcing me to drink?
smashed out of their minds.
falling all over me,
still trying to force
it into me,
one tried to kiss me,
i didn’t want that.

they screamed in my face,
it overpowered the music
“drink! dance! have fun!”
i just wanted to leave,
but these people
just wouldn’t let me,
they were unbuttoning my shirt,
grabbing my legs,
and wouldn’t you know
one of them poured their beer
onto my head?

as the final,
very intense song was playing,
i thought things would get bad,
i was lying on the floor,
drunk people all over me
messing up my clothes,
some trying to kiss,
everything turned to shit,

until the DJ stopped the track
and it was time to go home,
they left me on the floor
no longer caring,
and they didn’t say goodbye
as they carried each other out.

8. peer-pressure

but of course,
the same people
that begged me to dance
are begging me to drink.

i get offered alcohol
from almost every person
at this damn event,
people even try
to force it into my mouth,
but i won’t budge.

i want to get
out of this crowd
as soon as possible,
get away from all these
soon-to-be-drunk
raving lunatics
because no one will save me.
all those i’m close with,
including the one i loved,
have long since gone,
and all that is left
is these ones.

why did i not listen
to my better judgement
and avoid the dance floor
altogether?

7. drunk

alcohol lines
all of the tables,
tons of stuff
i’ve never even heard of.

everyone runs from the floor
over to the drinks.
no matter the reason,
almost everyone here
is excited to get
as smashed as possible.

well, except for me,
of course.
i don’t drink that stuff,
so i keep my distance
from that table.

i don’t wanna know
what’s happening there.

6. get out here

but i’m noticed.

for the first time
this entire night,
the world noticed
that i’m out on the floor,
and they pull me back
to get me to dance.

unaware that i’ve
just been ditched
by the one i danced with
and not really in the mood,
they pressure me.
they want me to
have fun and dance along
to some shitty 2000’s pop
when all i wanna do
is go home and
figure everything out.

they’re not about that,
“you’re not going home yet,
this is a party,
come out and have fun!”
i don’t want to kill the vibe,
but i don’t want to force myself
to do anything right now.

it only gets worse
when the drinks come out.

5. party's back

the upbeat party music
jumps back on,
all that romantic crap
is done and over with.
back to the endless turn-up.

i’m still puzzled
and looking for answers,
but it’s too loud,
everyone’s having
too much fun.

i just want to run
back to those
empty chairs
and forget everything…

4. gone

and then it ends.
that’s all there is.
one moment with each other,
and then it’s all gone.

when ed stops
plucking the guitar
and he sings his last words,
the magic is gone.
the beauty dies
about as soon as it starts.
the person i danced with
just walked away,
disappeared into the night,
never to be seen again.

i’m left confused,
puzzled and unsure,
who were they?
why me?
where are they going?
the questions swirl
in my head,
but they’ll never be answered.

3. atmosphere

we take hands
and move
to the floor.
i take a glance
at everyone else,
and just do as they do:
hands around my shoulders,
my hands around the waist,
and just move to the rhythm.

and it feels like
nothing i’ve ever experienced,
the rest of the world is gone,
my mind is on nothing else,
it’s just us two,
ed sheeran in the back,
it really was perfect.

it’s a moment where
i just forgot about
all the things
going on in the world,
the negativity subsided,
and all that was there
was this person and i
swaying to the music.

it’s pure bliss,
it’s beauty,
it’s art
in and of itself…

2. dance?

but just in the nick of time,
here she comes,
not the one i loved,
that’s never gonna happen,
but someone else.

without any warning,
a light smile,
the hand extends,
“do you wanna dance?”

fear consumes me,
what do i do?
we just met,
is this just a silly act
of kindness?
there’s no time to think that.

i accept.

1. detached

feeling detached
from the rest of the world,
gazing upon the floor
lined with hundreds
having a great time,
as i sit and watch,
two empty chairs beside me,
completely at odds
with what’s going on here.

the slow dance comes on,
everyone together,
staring into the eyes
of someone else,
and i watch the one i loved
dance with the one they love,
and wish it was me.
i look and see another
dancing with someone
they just met,
i wish i was that lucky.

instead i’m here,
waiting for this
horrid night to end,
and to run along
back to my house
with lies spread across my lips,
as my parents ask
how everything went,
and i just tell them
what i always say
about these things.

“it was fine.”

party time preface

after a very extended, much-needed break, this is my sixth full-length poetry album "party time." i took a break as a result of a lack of inspiration, but this is an idea i really love, because it's so much different from my other albums. where all of them are actually about me, this one is not, and it's instead just a story that continues on through the entire album. here's the "tracklist" for you guys:

1. detached

2. dance?

3. atmosphere

4. gone

5. party's back

6. get out here

7. drunk

8. peer-pressure

9. carry

10. alone