4. winning sucks

it always seems

like everybody wants to be the best,

they just want to be winners at something,

no matter what it takes

or who they have to beat to get there,

and sure,
it sounds appealing
to be the best

at a thing

you’ve put so much time into,

but i can tell you,

it’s not nearly as good

as you may be led to believe.

i’ve been a winner,
believe it or not,

and there was a time

where people thought i was the absolute best

at what i did,
and you would think

that felt good to me,

or that it made me
want to get better,

but in reality,
it wore me down,

it made me wish
that i’d never gotten good enough
to be seen as the best,

and it only encouraged me

to stop practicing.

the more they told me
that they just wanted me to lose,

the more times

i got flipped off for winning,

and the more times

they got angry with me

when they didn’t win,

the more i just wanted
to hit the off button.
the more i wanted

to pretend

i had no idea what i was doing,

the more i wanted to just
quit and remove this
from my life entirely.
it got to a point

where i said,

“fine, you win,”
and gave up on doing something that,

at one point,

was my escape
from the toxicity of life.

because that toxicity seeped in.

and that’s why winning sucks.