a poem for the late nights

“don’t trust your brain

after 9 pm,”

but that’s the only voice

i know,

sat on the floor

in the dark

stuck on all the noises

in the walls,

i’d crawl to bed

if i could just move

my legs,

but i can barely

clear my head,

picturing all these

scenarios

that’ll never be

only does wonders

for my anxiety,

every time it feels

like i’ve quieted

these thoughts,

i start to zero in

on all my faults.

can’t stop wondering

if everybody hates me,

or if it’s just

my own expectations

i’m not living up to,

the years of suppressing

my emotions

are catching up to me,

men must be strong

so i held my tears in,

extended my arms

for so many

but never wanted

to get their shoulders wet,

turns out

i’m just too soft

for all of it,

too dependent

on everyone else

and too scared

to face it all alone,

so i spend

another late night

howling at the moon.

feeling like

i’m letting them down,

like i’m bad luck

for everyone

i stand around,

falling into

the same holes

i always drop in,

you’d think i’d learn

to walk around them,

but the cycle continues

and i can’t break it,

even when i know

my brain is lying,

i always find

a way

to lose myself,

feeling everything

too hard

and taking the fall

when it’s not my fault…

i just feel so lost.

nobody's sweetheart

never been

anybody’s best friend,

never been the one

in anyone’s future plans,

never the one

you introduce to the fam,

only in the scenarios

i play in my head,

i thought i’d be fine

on my own,

but i’ll admit,

i’m lost in all of it,

suddenly lovesick

tryna live

with the fact

that i’m only ever

a fallback,

singing love songs

in my room

to myself,

but never getting to know

what they really mean,

never getting

to be somebody

for somebody

‘cause nobody

ever truly needed me.

i’m nobody’s sweetheart,

missed my shot

with everyone

who could’ve been

“the one,”

didn’t even get

to treat love

like an experiment,

missed out

on the fun and flirty era

because i was waiting

for the wrong one,

lost my chance

with some good ones

because i was trying

not to miss it

with some i’d never have,

never left the door open

to let it in

because i built walls

to block the entrance,

waited too long

to break them down,

so good luck

climbing the rubble

if you wanna come in.

it’s where

i’ve always been,

but this house

no longer feels

like my home,

spending all my time

laying on the floor

stuck in my thoughts,

so lost in myself

that i don’t wanna get up,

thinking about how

everyone’s got someone,

starting to tie the knot

while i’m unraveling,

tripping over myself

and missing someone

that left me

on the shelf,

maybe we’d be together

in another universe,

but for me,

happy endings

don’t come so easy,

blink and i’ll be on

the last page

before you know it.

c’est la vie.