1. "i was never there"

after effects

of a panic attack,

reverting back

to a version

of myself

i thought

was gone before,

saying less

so i’m thinking more,

heart’s fragile

so i’m feeling more,

harder to calm it down

as i drown

in my thoughts.

sometimes,

i feel like

i ruin everything

for everyone around me,

anxiety’s heightened

and right

when i was

almost fun enough

to hang out with,

so i pull back,

return to reclusiveness,

stare at myself

in the mirror

and wonder

why i’m like this

and why it’s so hard

to fight through it.

maybe i haven’t healed

as much as i thought.