heartbreak prelude

happiest of moments are
still filled with sadness,
i try my best but i can’t
get this out of my head,
she’s still racing through
and i’m shaking as i think
of all that i lost and i’m in
a state of unease, since i
can’t even focus on these
words that i’m writing down.

the emotions usually spill
straight onto the page, but
the only thing spilling now
are the tears from my eyes.
i wish i could just feel better
about it all, and be happier,
but my heart stays shattered,
and just as quick as i’m able
to love and enjoy myself, i’m
back in this state of self-hate,
because i’m reminded of her,
and her, and her, and her, too.

the one who ghosted me, then
the one i pushed away early,
the one i wasn’t enough for,
and the one that i missed
because i was an idiot and
didn’t care when i should’ve.
love and i just weren’t meant
to be down with each other,
and that’s why i’m seated
here, all on my lonesome,
because i just can’t do it.

i just want happiness,
but it won’t come here,
it just runs away and it
points and laughs at me.
and while the world moves
and sings “thank u, next,”
getting over past love, i
cry on my couch and play
“let her go” on loop, since
i see her in my sleep, but
know she’ll never be mine,
and i dove so deep that i’ll
only struggle to feel better.

but this is just the prelude,
bet things only get worse.

cold memories

laying in the cold room
in the back of the house,
tried so hard but couldn’t
warm myself up at all, no
blanket or jacket can get
me back, and the heat’s
gone in this lonely house.

as i lay chilled, i’m
reminded of all the
cold memories i’ve
collected over time,
when i was shoved
to the side, lied to,
told me you’d love
forever and always
be here for me, but
then you’d leave in
a sudden flash, and
years later, i still say
it hurts me, even as
people say “fuck her,”
because i can’t tell
where i went wrong,
how i made you leave.

questioned my confidence
ever since that time, and i
fear the others will soon go.
the cycle seems to repeat,
and as i fall asleep on this
bed, wrapped in the sheets,
another loyal one leaves and
it’s harder to breathe because
i want them to stay with me.
trying not to feel pain, but i’m
powerless in the process, and
i prove to be petulant while i’m
praying now for your presence.

i crave the warmth,
i want the memories
to just go away, but
they haunt as i lay,
and it’s hard to find
comfort in this house,
but here i am now, i’m
heavy in the hatred.
some demons don’t
leave you alone, and
i wish that they would,
but they’re all too cold.

life can be unfair, can’t it?

love

fucked-up world where
all the love is leaving,
and all we have instead
is hatred and turmoil,
but sometimes, it feels
like i contributed to that
turmoil when i didn’t love
as much as i should have.
so much i do regret saying,
i wish i could change it, but
i missed out on the train, and
now i’m stuck here in the rain.

i wish i loved her then
like i miss her now, but
that’s just what you get
when you take their love
and their care for granted.
now i don’t even wanna go
sleep at night, because all
i get here is dreams of her.
didn’t even wanna get out
of my bed today because
my heart hurt me so hard,
i’m not doing so well now.

you always wish for
one more chance, but
sometimes you’re not
blessed with such luck,
i learned the hard way,
don’t let a good one go,
all those sad love songs
were actually right, and
they hit a lot harder now
than they ever did before.
the euphoric summer nights,
bet they won’t feel the same.

but that’s love for ya. it hurts.

11. 2018 (bonus track)

fuck 2018.

lost all my faith,
never be a day
where i can say
“He’s just okay,”
i feel ashamed,
but it’s the way
God’s just made
this shit, hooray!
wants me to die,
why can’t He try
to make my life
a little bit nice
just one time,
oh, Lord on high,
give me the sign,
am i a bad guy?

she said “i’m sorry”
i said “don’t be, i’m
not worth energy,”
twenty eighteen
has been killing me,
seriously fatigued,
fuck me, not worth
being happy, and
i’m not trying to
sound so sappy,
but life grabs me
and it attacks me,
all so fucking taxing,
can i relax, please?

this year’s been shit,
just wanna go get rid
of these evil spirits,
they’ve got business,
they’re all gonna stick,
want to see me dead,
i’m rewriting my script,
i’m fucking tired of this,
He lost all my respect,
good luck getting it back,
2018, never wanna snap
my life on over to that.

yeah, fuck 2018…
end this shitty year already…
happy new year, bitches…

i’m out.

10. i'm not sorry

i’m not sorry
for what i say.
when i write this,
i’m unashamed,
i’m not afraid to
call myself a God
or speak on one
who tried to hurt,
because a writer
isn’t one to push.
too much time i’ve
spent feeling like
i had to say sorry
for the things that
i’ve done and said,
even wrote a poem
apologizing to all,
even if they didn’t
need me to do it.
i’m tired of feeling
like i should just be
afraid to speak and
be honest with you,
this is just who i am.
an anxious and sad
but equally happy
guy who says what
he truly believes and
won’t apologize for
annoying others with
the things i put out.
14 albums in 2018,
you know what i am?
the hardest worker
you’ll ever find, even
when i sleep ‘till 4 pm.
who cares if the world
doesn’t ever recognize?
i’m proud of who i am
and the words i write,
and i won’t let anyone
take that away from me.

i’m not sorry.

9. I am a God

I am a God.

I am YOUR God.

I am the God of
the written word.

I am the God
of the poetry.

I don’t have any
ego complex, no,
I just so happen to
be the God of poetry.

when using my pronouns,
you shall call me “He/His”
instead of saying “he/his.”

thou shalt have no
others Gods but Me.

thou shalt not take
My name in vain.

thou shalt keep holy
the days of release.

honor thy writers and poets.

thou shalt not
kill the art form.

thou shalt not commit
the act of ghostwriting.

thou shalt not steal
another’s words.

thou shalt not lie
in the written word.

thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor writer
or thine own work.

this is My word.

I am a God.

8. say it again

“i’m a platinum artist,
got a platinum girl,
she’s a platinum heart,
it’s a platinum world,
driving platinum cars,
in a platinum ford, i
got a platinum start,
stay platinum? sure!”

haha, nah, cut that shit…

fake stuff, let’s do it again…

taking a second to think
about the rhymes this time,
because i’m trying to find
the right design to remind
these guys that the lines
i write are fine, and i might
just like to go, you know, my
flows are so explosive, rapid,
back to the past, pack bags,
let’s drag it to that, the old,
no holes barred, just go hard,
don’t show scars, rhyme bars,
can’t go too far, words aren’t
the real part, the rhymes are.

if it sounds good, you should
go put that on facebook, the
world’s shook, they mistook,
the rhymes hooked, and now
it’s all booked, won’t care if
stories aren’t there, can’t
share the personal tales,
just let the rhymes flow,
keep it in time, though,
rhymezone, why moan?
fly show, dry toe, shy beau!

sounds dumb, doesn’t it?

i quit with the rhymes then,
the rhythm just filled in, i
still win, yeah, killing this,
triple it quick ‘cause i’m
illing out, spilling loud
feelings, the realest,
appealing, no stealing
lines i’m dealing, yeah.
but i bring it now when
there’s slivers of doubt,
you see what i’m about,
never stuck in a drought,
never chasing for clout
but i am gonna tout that
i’m king with the crown
and i’m not coming down.

haha, that was fun…
not bad to throwback
once in a while, you know…
2018, what a time to be alive…
just hope 2019 ends up better…

alright, i’m off this one.