a poem for the late nights

“don’t trust your brain

after 9 pm,”

but that’s the only voice

i know,

sat on the floor

in the dark

stuck on all the noises

in the walls,

i’d crawl to bed

if i could just move

my legs,

but i can barely

clear my head,

picturing all these

scenarios

that’ll never be

only does wonders

for my anxiety,

every time it feels

like i’ve quieted

these thoughts,

i start to zero in

on all my faults.

can’t stop wondering

if everybody hates me,

or if it’s just

my own expectations

i’m not living up to,

the years of suppressing

my emotions

are catching up to me,

men must be strong

so i held my tears in,

extended my arms

for so many

but never wanted

to get their shoulders wet,

turns out

i’m just too soft

for all of it,

too dependent

on everyone else

and too scared

to face it all alone,

so i spend

another late night

howling at the moon.

feeling like

i’m letting them down,

like i’m bad luck

for everyone

i stand around,

falling into

the same holes

i always drop in,

you’d think i’d learn

to walk around them,

but the cycle continues

and i can’t break it,

even when i know

my brain is lying,

i always find

a way

to lose myself,

feeling everything

too hard

and taking the fall

when it’s not my fault…

i just feel so lost.

nobody's sweetheart

never been

anybody’s best friend,

never been the one

in anyone’s future plans,

never the one

you introduce to the fam,

only in the scenarios

i play in my head,

i thought i’d be fine

on my own,

but i’ll admit,

i’m lost in all of it,

suddenly lovesick

tryna live

with the fact

that i’m only ever

a fallback,

singing love songs

in my room

to myself,

but never getting to know

what they really mean,

never getting

to be somebody

for somebody

‘cause nobody

ever truly needed me.

i’m nobody’s sweetheart,

missed my shot

with everyone

who could’ve been

“the one,”

didn’t even get

to treat love

like an experiment,

missed out

on the fun and flirty era

because i was waiting

for the wrong one,

lost my chance

with some good ones

because i was trying

not to miss it

with some i’d never have,

never left the door open

to let it in

because i built walls

to block the entrance,

waited too long

to break them down,

so good luck

climbing the rubble

if you wanna come in.

it’s where

i’ve always been,

but this house

no longer feels

like my home,

spending all my time

laying on the floor

stuck in my thoughts,

so lost in myself

that i don’t wanna get up,

thinking about how

everyone’s got someone,

starting to tie the knot

while i’m unraveling,

tripping over myself

and missing someone

that left me

on the shelf,

maybe we’d be together

in another universe,

but for me,

happy endings

don’t come so easy,

blink and i’ll be on

the last page

before you know it.

c’est la vie.

"you'll learn when you're older"

prom coming up,

barely care for the day,

mama said

i need a date,

but i’d rather stay home

and play games,

elijah got sniped

and he yells in the mic,

“that’s so gay!”

with barely a thought.

mom told us

to watch the way

we talked,

but mom,

it’s just words,

“you’ll learn when you’re older,”

she’d say,

just rolled my eyes

while mom made me try

a stupid suit

for the stupid night.

forced myself

to put the games away,

flew solo to the dance

thinking i was

just killing time,

until i found the lady

to whom i’d share my life,

and suddenly,

i felt like my best self,

moved with a purpose

and that was her,

a life with love

was a life worth living.

still found time

with the guys,

king of the game

and andy would say

“that shit is gay,”

she never liked it,

but honey,

it’s just words,

“you’ll learn when you’re older,”

she’d say,

just rolled my eyes

as i followed her to bed,

tried to stop saying it

but it was ingrained,

decades of nasty habits

left me thinking backwards,

but never looking inward

long enough to think about

what’s going on outside.

now he’s got his prom

on the way,

mama’s excited

‘cause her young man’s

found himself a date,

couldn’t wait for him

to find a girl

like i had—

“but dad…

i’m taking aiden.”

my heart’s

in my feet

while grandma’s

giving him a big squeeze.

how could it be?

he never told me?

and it flashes back

all at once,

we thought it was

just words,

but you never know

the power they hold

until it’s one of yours.

the day to see him off,

still learning

to accept it all,

and i see the two together,

their eyes light

the way mine did

when i met his mom,

and suddenly,

i’m overcome,

tears start to fall

and he runs to my arms.

“i’m proud of you, son,

and i love you as you are.”

give aiden a handshake,

thank him

for showing my son

what love is,

hope one day

to welcome him into

the family,

walk them to the limo,

a wave as it drives away.

i had to learn

from the error in my ways,

he doesn’t need a lady

to make him better,

he found what i found

with his own,

a life with love

is a life worth living,

it might be different

but love stays the same,

and i’ll do everything i can

to keep them safe.

i learned when i got older.

5. this beautiful mess i've made

another day,

i awake

from some crazy dreams,

it’s like not even

the fantasy world

can bring me much peace,

they say sleep

can set you free,

but for me,

it only illuminates

the insecurities,

all my worst cases

and cursed phases

take up all the space

in my brain,

pain wraps me

in its sweet embrace,

trying to give

myself some grace,

but i’m back

to feeling

like a total waste,

living in

this beautiful mess i’ve made.

wanna make

something lighthearted,

but it’s hard

to write light

when all you know

is the dark,

all the best words

that i ever wrote

came from the

bad place,

the side of life

where the bulbs

never turn on,

hard to let

the sun peek in

when you’ve always been

a nightcrawler,

and as the summer

turns to autumn,

i start to wonder

if i’ll fall,

nocturnal by nature,

my world stays dark

with no sign

of the dawn.

sometimes,

i think about death

more than i’d like,

the OCD’s

got me worried

about losing control,

once touched a knife

to my neck

to see if it really

felt sharp,

then spent the next

seven minutes

in a panic,

worse than when

i wondered

if a belt

around my neck,

would really squeeze,

it’s like

an entity

wanted to write

the end of me,

i’d never do it,

but what if i lost

the ability

to stop myself?

i wanna be here

because i’ve got people

i love too much,

i couldn’t give a fuck

what i accomplish

long as they get to win,

you don’t realize

how much you’ve got

to live for

‘till you have a friend

who makes you happy

just by being happy,

and i fight through

for people like you,

the ones that make

waking up

worth it in the end,

it’s not easy

but i’m doing

what i can,

and i hope that

my best

is good enough.

4. he is not your savior

the poetry king’s

taken you to places

you’ve never thought

you’d be,

seven years of writing

and he’s been

all around the world

in his bedroom alone,

over 30 albums

with no sign of stopping,

he’s created a resume

that’d make the greats

put respect on his name,

he’s talked a big game

but backed it up

in spades,

he’s created works

that’ll live

long beyond his days,

etched himself in

and earned his place

in the hall of fame.

but he is not your savior.

the poetry king’s

taken names

without ever saying them,

he’s fired shots

without ever even

holding a gun,

he’s taken the family

to task

and made sure

they didn’t forget

the past,

he’s stood up

for himself

when the world

wanted him seated,

a modern-day poe,

“nemo me impune lacessit,”

he’s got some bars

for anyone

who wants ‘em,

and he’s dropped quotables

like it’s his day-to-day.

but he is not your savior.

the poetry king’s

let his flaws

fall on the page,

he’s grown

but also taken

some steps back,

he’s shared words

he shouldn’t have

and should’ve kept

in his pad,

he’s got trauma

he’s still tryna

heal from

in healthy ways,

still trying

not to hold on

so hard

to his mistakes,

surely a king,

but much as the past

might have you

thinking otherwise,

he’s also a mortal man,

nowhere above

your local joe,

he can leave you

inspired,

but he can’t

turn you

into a god.

‘cause he is not your savior.

3. about last night

there i go again,

making up more

scenarios in my head,

the only place

i ever feel

comfortable at,

still thinking about

all the things

i could’ve said,

and i try

to tell myself i’m fine

but i’m not,

if i was,

i wouldn’t be finding

new ways

to throw it all away,

and i wouldn’t be saying

all the same things

in every other line,

i’m trying

to help others

get over their heartbreak

when i never

fully cleaned up mine.

suddenly, i’m feeling

what taylor meant

when she said,

“i love you,

it’s ruining my life,”

because i can’t stop

circling back,

and i hate to stay

stuck on that,

but every time

i think i find

the love of my life,

it just becomes

the loss of my life,

and as i sit

and sing

of ed’s photograph

to the bugs out back,

i’m wondering

who would wait for me

to come home.

i never stopped feeling

how i felt

about anyone

i ever loved,

and i’m realizing

that they don’t need me,

all i’ve ever done

is drag down

everyone that comes along,

try to be there

for myself

but i realize i’m lost

when i’m on my own,

and i’ve never felt

more alone

than i do right now,

the world’s greatest

oversharer

is heading

for another nightmare,

just praying

somebody stays

to help steer me

through the storm.

i feel like i ruin everything.

2. real music's gonna last

my pedigree

speaks volumes

i could never reach,

yet everyone

still sleeps on me,

ask someone to name

their favorite poem

of mine,

they start to stutter,

don’t tell me

it flew above ya?

still playing catch-up

while i’m on

to the next one,

everyone expecting me

to fall off

but i’m only getting better

with every release,

i’m my favorite writer

and my favorite album

is the one

i haven’t written yet.

i’m more than a trend

and i know i’ll end up

in the hall of fame,

the real shit’s gonna last

and the gimmicks

will fade in time,

top of the charts worldwide,

i’ll keep leavin’ ‘em

in a trance

every time,

and all the ones

that never cared for me

will be calling me

the GOAT one day,

they’ll be talking

like they always

saw it in me

even though i know

they didn’t believe,

but let ‘em think

what they must,

i’ll be the one

making history

and leaving ‘em

in the dust.

and fuck all the people

that never believed in me,

the people

i’m supposed to call

“family,”

and i don’t care

how much trouble

this gets me in,

i’ve held in the pain

they’ve got

no idea

they caused me,

i used to be scared

i’d get kicked

from my home,

but maybe i’m better off

being alone,

roam the streets

and find a castle

i could hide in,

i’m really like edward

the way

i’m not finished,

maybe i never will be,

but it sure beats

being the scapegoat

every time they overheat.