10. break

well, here we are.
thousands of words
in just over a month, huh?
a lot of different places, too,
some darker than others,
but what a ride it was.
i gained a lot
but lost some, too.
i lost myself,
fell to my worst,
but writing saved me.
i could’ve gone further
if it wasn’t for poetry
being my drug.
and so what
if no one read it?
leaving my imprint
and getting it out
was more important
than the arbitrary “like.”
the world changes around me,
life inspires art,
and my life changed
over such a short time.
i coped through
the written word,
i spoke through my joy,
my frustrations,
my sadness,
and i went down different paths,
all necessary
to get to where i am today.
i’m finally happy,
i’m where i want to be,
no more sadness,
gone is my stress,
the best days are here,
and i’m loving them all.
poetry is just
one of my joys
and i’m glad i had it.

i think a nice break is in order.

9. career

so that’s what it’s like
to be dropped like it’s hot.
3 weeks
and i haven’t heard a peep.

i expected a call,
it’s the least you could do.
after all,
the cops were inside,
word-of-mouth said there was a gun,
he was up in my face,
i feared for my life,
shed tears in the back,
but i got out of dodge.
and after all the good times,
good things that you said,
“valuable asset to the team”
my ass.

you’re only loved,
if you go all the way up,
here’s a card
as we send you on your way!
but not me,
hell, i didn’t get a call
asking if i was okay.
almost 9 months
just pissed down the drain,
now i understand
why they talk behind your back.

always thought you were caring,
a good one all-around,
but it was part of your act
just to get me to stay,
spiral down further
in my mental state.
true colors were exposed,
and we’re just statistics,
we’re replaceable
you probably forgot my existence.
just like everything else
that you forgot all the time,
need to talk? days off?
“oh whoops, slipped my mind!”

shit, i’m writing rhythmic again.
i don’t do that anymore,
but it comes to my brain,
because i can’t help but ask,
why didn’t i hear from you?
the emotional stress
was too much to take,
pushed over the ledge,
no i’m not coming back.

seems like you don’t care,
“fuck your feelings, matt,
there’s other college kids
that’ll go right in your spot.”
and i’ll have you know
i didn’t find everything okay,
because bullshit wasn’t on my
shopping list.

i did what i could
and i tried my best
and i wasn’t perfect,
but i owned my mistakes.
leaving was not one of those,
but not hearing from you
after i was promised a call,
now that’s a mistake
that hasn’t been owned.
after almost 9 months,
i think i deserved better,
but you have your plans
and i have mine, too,
so thanks for letting me help
you to throw me away.

good luck to everyone else.

8. happy matt's back

you miss me?
yeah, i did too.
i was off in a dark place,
not sure what to think.
life just got me down,
overthinking was destroying me,
slowly but surely,
i was heading where i didn’t want to go.

and i’ll admit,
i’m still tired,
there’s still some things
that need to be done,
some changes to make,
but i’ll do what i do,
because i’m where i want to be,
i’m stress-free,
and best of all,
i’m happy.
they say you gotta hit rock bottom
to know how it feels,
and i was right there,
my lowest possible point.

the positivity wasn’t there,
the pessimist came out,
i wasn’t myself,
and you can tell.
but i just needed time
to breathe,
to stay calm,
to motivate myself,
to look on the bright side,
and know that it’ll be alright.

i had people,
they helped me out,
they kept me happy,
made me smile,
brought out the laughs,
lifted me up
when the world wanted me down,
and they might never know
how much they helped,
but thank you guys
for bringing me back
and keeping me strong.

happy matt’s back.

7. no likes

fuck those rhymes.
all just cheesy shit,
not from the heart,
first thing to pop up
and i jot down
this ridiculous plot
where a bunch of random words
just happen to make sense.
do the words i write
really have meaning
when they’re thrown together like that?

why do you think i changed my game?
can’t just keep rhyming words
and thinking i’m being clever
when all i’m doing
is writing nonsense
that no one will read.
and the few that do read it
will just think i’m a clone
of a man we call slim
and i’m not trying to be shady
‘cause he’s on another level
that i’ll never match.

because i’m not him.

free-verse gives me a better platform
to have some clarity,
to be honest,
to be real,
to share my emotions,
to be unapologetically me,
and, for once in my life,
not follow the rules.

we express ourselves differently.
i could write paragraphs about this,
but poetry feels right.
and even still,
very few will read these words,
but that’s okay.
i’m the founder of the “no likes club,”
so what’s one more post
with zero likes
gonna do to me?

well…

6. my dear

you grabbed my heart and never let go.
how you went from friend to crush in a year i’ll never know.
you won me over, you were so perfect.
your good intentions, your sweetness, your purity,
i was drawn in.

we were just kids making some films,
loving art, loving life,
and then you got me,
one magical night
was all it took.

i fell for you,
you were beautiful,
inside and out,
those beautiful eyes,
your perfect smile,
your gorgeous hair,
your lovely voice,
your heart of gold.
pure perfection.

but could it be a fluke?
was it the heat of the moment?
did i really like you that much?
weren’t you just a friend?
how could i know if my heart
was playing tricks?

one more night
was what it took.
make special plans once more,
see if this was how i felt,
or if my heart was just being funny.

it wasn’t.

i did it.
i fell in love.
i never thought i would.
i’ve had crushes before,
but none as big as this.
everything about you
was wonderful,
not a single flaw, and that’s hard to do.
i loved you.
i’d never thought about relationships before,
i didn’t want to commit,
there was too much stress,
i never found the right person,

so i thought.
it just turns out that the right person
was there all along.
i just didn’t see it.
but then i felt it,
you were the one,
you brought me happiness in ways
few others have before.

i loved you so much.

but you weren’t ready,
you didn’t want to commit,
you didn’t want a relationship yet,
and that’s fine,
i’m glad we’re still friends,
and things have stayed strong.

but i still shake
and my heart still races
when i see you around.
and i might be a wimp
but even a “hello”
gets me nervous.
i still feel the same,
but i have to respect your space,
because we’re friends,
and i don’t want to lose what we have.

but i want you to know,
more than anything else,
i love you so,
and i’ll wait until the end of the world
for you to be ready.
i’ll give my heart to no one
other than you
and if i have to wait forever,
i’ll wait right here,

my dear.

5. me too

i need my space.
when i say “don’t touch,”
you fucking listen.
how many more times
do i have to say that
no means no
until you get that
there’s an issue?

what the hell
goes through your mind
when you force someone
into sex
when that’s not what they want?
how do you sleep at night
knowing that you made someone
feel unsafe,
uncomfortable,
petrified,
and all for self-gain,
so you could brag to your friend
and tell ‘em, “yeah i touched them!”
was it that nice of a touch
that you need to tell the world?

think of it yourself,
what if someone touched you there
and you didn’t want them to?
think if you
had to be thrown into a bed
and sexed without a thought
of whether you wanted it,
how would it feel?
pretty shitty, huh?

grab ‘em by the pussy,
you can do anything,
but why the fuck would you?
did you ever stop to think
if they wanted that?
before you moved on her like a bitch,
did you use your brain?
did you ask yourself
if her husband would’ve liked that?

if you even think
that this isn’t a problem,
reevaluate your life,
think about someone other
than yourself,
don’t be so fucking jaded,
because sexual assault
and harassment is real.

we live in a world
where people feel shocked
that they’ve never been
harassed or assaulted
in such a way during their lives.
if that’s not enough
to wake you up,
there’s no fucking hope
for you.

everyone else,
we have to be there
for those that have suffered,
we need to comfort them,
we need to let them know
that they’ll be okay,
and i’m not sure
how or if
we can stop this,
but at least we can try,
and self-control is the first step.

the next is consent.

#NoMeansNo #MeToo

4. blood

bodies
spread across the floor,
the blood was splattered,
the damage was done.

killed by a man,
his heart black as night,
his soul never to be cleansed,
50 gone, all for what?
the hate destroyed him,
innocent lives taken,
all just wanted love,
peace, music, happiness,
now there’s none of that.

there’s only anger,
frustration,
disgust,
how could you?
a music festival,
a time for magic
ending in death.
this isn’t the first time,
but it needs to be the last.

stop the shooting,
stop the hate,
stop the violence,
stop the killing,
stop the anger,
stop the guns.

the world is too angry,
it can’t stay like this,
we can’t continue to hate
we have to learn to love.

put yourself in the shoes
of the people in vegas
who are mourning the deaths
of their family members,
best friends, loved ones
that died from the gun,
and realize
that this violence
needs to stop.

#PrayForLasVegas

3. picture this

picture this:

a world of love,
all of us getting along,
less arguing,
less hatred.

yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.

imagine a world
where we don’t let politics
get in the way of our opinions
on one another.

yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.

picture a world
where we don’t have to worry
about that two-sided shit
because we’ve found a middle ground.

yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.

think of a world
where we’re less judgmental,
where our differences don’t matter
and we love one another.

ohhh, wouldn’t that be nice.

now picture this:

a world of hate
where we don’t agree
on anything,
where we hurt
one another,
only care about ourselves
and try to kill,
hate for being different,
tell other people
to end their lives,
fight over petty shit,
deny the problems
and act like everything
is totally fine
when it’s totally not,
because that’s our world
at this very moment,
too much hate,
too much anger,
too much negativity,
too much fighting
in a world where
even a physical difference
is enough to cause hate
and i say hate
a lot because
that’s what it is,
hate hate hate
from people
who know nothing
but anger
and HATE.

man, doesn’t that suck.

2. too much hate

saturday morning,
i slept through your call,
and it’s still my biggest regret.
you went into school yesterday
wearing a hoodie,
a dress code violation.
the principal asked you to take the hood off
but you refused.

you didn’t want to show the secret.

i was scared,
what is she hiding?
i texted you,
but no response,
you didn’t even read it.
i worried for the night,
i called you,
texted you,
facebook messaged you,
anything i could do
just to hear you say,
“don’t worry, matt, i’m fine.”
but i got nothing.

until the next morning.
when i woke up to a voicemail.

“hey matt, i’m sorry i worried you.
you don’t have to be scared,
because i’ll be gone by the time you hear this.
i wore my hoodie yesterday because i had a belt around my neck.
i was waiting for the right moment,
i’m going to kill myself.
i’m so thankful for you and all you’ve done for me,
but no one else loves me,
no one else is really here for me,
not even my family.
don’t be scared, i won’t bother you anymore.”

i ran out of my house,
still in my pajamas.
i didn’t even put shoes on,
i had to talk to you
i got to your house,
and as the old story goes,
the door was locked and i had to knock it down.

there you were,
laying on the floor.
it was too late.
the belt firmly tightened around your neck.
your heart wasn’t beating,
there was no pulse,
you were dead.

no one loved you like i did,
the hate was too strong,
and it drove you to the edge.
it took your innocence,
it wiped your beautiful smile,
and worst of all, it ended your life.
the one i loved, the one i pined for,
was gone.

why is this world so angry?
why is there so much hate?
why do we say “drink bleach?”
why do we tell others to take their lives?
why did you all take her away from me?
i loved her more than anything,
but you fuckers killed her.

now i’ll never experience true love again.

1. my demons

the overthinking returns,
it just never seems to leave.
the smallest things worry me,
and they really shouldn’t,
but i can’t help myself.

i dwell on the hypotheticals,
some good, some bad,
but mostly the sad,
and i don’t want to imagine
such bad thoughts,
because i’m trying to spread positivity,
make the world happy,
bring joy to my friends,
but i scare myself.

“am i a bother?”
“do they not want me around?”
“is my positivity fake?”
“can i really be happy
when my thoughts bother me so?”

and i can’t just “not think about them,”
because they stick with me,
they bring me down,
they make me lazy.
you can’t just “stop thinking,”
if it was that easy, would i be writing?

i guess i just have to deal with it,
try my best to be happy,
stay optimistic about life,
though the demons may haunt me,
i have people in life
that will help me get through the pain,
and i know it’ll never go away,
but i’ll battle through it
and everything will be okay.

just don’t leave me, please.

freedom of the verse preface

so, before i post my poems on here, i'd like to let you guys know that, as i write sets of poems, i like to compile them into fake "albums." i just use my own pictures and make fake "tracklists" and whatnot, because it's kind of fun. what i'm going to do from here on out is, before i post each "album" on here, i'll post the "front and back covers" that i make and talk a little bit about each album and poem in general. let's start with this one, "freedom of the verse."

"freedom of the verse," released in october, was my first free-verse poetry album. i used to write more "rhythmic" poetry in my free time, but now i look back on those old poems and i don't really like them that much. writing in a free-verse style was something i got a bit more excited about, as it gave me more creativity to not feel "forced" when writing. when i would write "rhythmic" poems, i would literally just think of the first line and go with what rhymed afterward. writing free-verse poetry now gives me more of an ability to just write what comes to mind.

a lot of the poems on this "album" deal with more dark, occasionally moody topics, as i was not exactly feeling like my usual happy self while writing a lot of these poems. i don't often show this more sad side of myself to others, so writing these poems allowed me to kind of show a side of me some aren't really used to. here's a rundown of each poem, with a short summary as to what they are about:

1. my demons - i tend to overthink a lot, no matter what the situation is. this is occasionally a recipe for disaster, as it leads me to feel lazy and it kills my mood. i talk a little about that in this poem.

2. too much hate - this was a fictional story about suicide. some of it was inspired by an old friend of mine who very nearly took their own life but didn't actually do it. the story features a character feeling angry that a girl, who he had fallen in love with, took her life because she was bullied by others and not accepted by her family. it was one that was really tough for me to write.

3. picture this - in this one, i talk a lot about the hate that exists in our world today. i wanted to make others imagine a world where everyone got along, regardless of who we are, and then paint a picture of a world where we do nothing but aimlessly hate one another.

4. blood - i wrote this one about the mass shooting that occurred in the las vegas strip on october 1st, 2017. i wrote it as a way of explaining that the violence in our world needs to stop, and that we need to stop the killing and stop the hatred.

5. me too - in the wake of several sexual assault/harassment scandals going around hollywood, there was a trend where people were encouraged to post "me too" as a way of showing that sexual assault and harassment is a very real issue. much like "blood," life inspired my poems.

6. my dear - this was the first free-verse poem that i wrote. it was written about a girl that i had a crush on. i very rarely develop romantic feelings for others, but the girl this poem is about is really special to me, and i talk a little bit about us here.

7. no likes - here, i talk about how i switched from writing "rhythmic" poems to writing free-verse poems and talk about how, even despite the fact that i don't often get "likes" on a lot of my posts, i'm still motivated to keep doing what i'm doing.

8. happy matt's back - after a long time of just not feeling like myself, this poem was basically my way of saying that i was finally starting to feel happy again. in it, i thanked the people that helped me to stay strong and keep trying my best, no matter how hard life got me down.

9. career - this one was honestly a little tough to write: in october of 2017, i had just quit the part-time job that i had worked at for almost 9 months. i won't go into full detail for personal reasons, but at the time, the job had been stressing me out emotionally and, one night, some rather scary events occurred inside the store that pushed me to my breaking point and made me say, "that's it, no more." however, that night, after quitting, the manager on duty (who, by the way, was very kind and understanding about the whole thing) told me that my store manager would call me about the whole thing the next day. as of this writing, it's been a little over a month and a half since i quit and i haven't gotten that call. in fact, i haven't heard a peep from my manager, despite being told i would hear from him. i was a bit angry about this, as i had felt like the lack of even a proper goodbye made those nearly 9 months worthless, and i wrote a poem detailing my frustrations.

10. break - as the last poem on the album, i purposely wrote this one with the intention of making it a shorter poem that felt more like a reflection on everything i had written. i ended off the poem by saying how happy writing had made me, but that i would be taking a short break from writing poems. the break lasted for about a month, i believe.