5. "dearly departed"

my only competition

is me,

‘cause every time

i think i’ve reached

my peak,

i only leap

even higher,

i make believers

out of the doubters

who wish that they

could follow my lead,

i showed them

the game

and they still forgot

how to play,

so they project

the jealousy and the envy

upon me,

so much for family

if this is how

they treat me.

i try to brush them off,

but sometimes,

they crawl back

like roaches

and i gotta stomp ‘em,

crashing out

ain’t worth it,

but that doesn’t mean

i don’t wanna,

‘cause sometimes,

i wish they would

shove it

with the drama,

you fuckin’ hate me,

so do i,

i’ve bit my tongue

to save your life,

but my written word

could end it

just as quick

and i’ll cross that line,

make sure

them conversations

stay behind my back

and don’t leak,

and maybe then,

i’ll keep the peace,

but let word

hit the street,

and i’ll wake the demon.

pst…you don’t wanna meet him.

4. "sing about me, i'm dying of thirst"

who’s really there

for me?

who really cares

to keep me calm

at the height

of my anxiety?

who can really help

when my heartbeat

starts hitting 150?

and why does it feel

like the person

i’m searching for

to help

can’t be me?

fishing for someone

to be proud of me

‘cause i never felt it

from my kin,

i know

nothing’s ever been

good enough for them,

and i wouldn’t wanna

pass that on

to my future kid.

whoever that is,

i hope they sing

about me

in the end,

i hope they make sure

that i’m never

long gone,

i hope they get to be

whoever they want

and not whoever they feel

will please me,

i hope society

is kinder

than the one that i see,

and i hope

they get to live out

all their wildest dreams.

just promise you won’t forget me.

3. "here"

thought i grew

a bit

since the party album,

but here i am,

disassociating

while the music’s playing,

and i guess right now,

my anxiety’s

got the last laugh,

because i’m right back

where i was

the last time i came out

to one of these.

the only sober one

in a room

where “shots” is blasting,

guess i’m the one

turning down,

sorry jon,

they only want the hits

but i was looking

for some substance

and i came

to the wrong spot

to find it.

last time,

i tried to leave

but they pulled me in,

i won’t make

that same mistake again,

with my beanie low,

i make a quiet retreat

for the exit door,

turn back

and we lock eyes

for a minute,

i sense disappointment,

but i’m sorry,

i shouldn’t have

come to this.

i gotta get out of here.

2. "i might say something stupid"

i remember

all the nights,

all the long walks

down at kelly drive,

never been a memory

of you

i didn’t forget,

even though i wish

i could,

sometimes,

i wish i never

fell in love

in the first place,

‘cause since then,

you and i

have never been

the same.

the lucid dreams

where i think of you

on the walk home

stick in my psyche,

words i speak

playing like an

internal monologue

on repeat,

it all feels so real

but then i wake up,

my morning tea

offers me a dose

of reality

that even after

all this healing,

i still never got over

the feeling.

start to thinking

i should leave you alone,

but if i did,

it’d look like

i never saw you

as a friend,

like i only

wanted you

for the romance

and that’s never

been true,

but i don’t feel

like nothing special,

and it’s hard

not to go so cold,

so go have fun

at the party

while i figure out

who i really should be.

do i even belong here?

1. "i was never there"

after effects

of a panic attack,

reverting back

to a version

of myself

i thought

was gone before,

saying less

so i’m thinking more,

heart’s fragile

so i’m feeling more,

harder to calm it down

as i drown

in my thoughts.

sometimes,

i feel like

i ruin everything

for everyone around me,

anxiety’s heightened

and right

when i was

almost fun enough

to hang out with,

so i pull back,

return to reclusiveness,

stare at myself

in the mirror

and wonder

why i’m like this

and why it’s so hard

to fight through it.

maybe i haven’t healed

as much as i thought.

mr. falsetto preface

my ninth poetry mini-album "mr. falsetto." a short new set of stories. less really is more:

1. "i was never there"

2. "i might say something stupid"

3. "here"

4. "sing about me, i'm dying of thirst"

5. "dearly departed"