4. him

mom took me out
for middle school,
she knew i wouldn’t
stay with them,
all i wanted was
to finally be happy,
someone who wasn’t
so afraid,
live a life of joy and pride,
and just maybe, i’d be able
to show the world a smile
just once or twice,
and for a while,
i did do that,
mostly because of him.

eighth grade,
one little day,
went to his house
to play,
maybe an hour in,
and he held my hand,
in just a minute,
he went in for a kiss,
the rush of his lips,
left breathless,
i loved him more than anything,
we must’ve done it every day,
we never told a soul,
but the fire burned so hot,
he saw past my scars
and i looked past his,
it was just such bliss.

i wanna say it ended
in a beautiful way,
but just one day
after we’d graduate,
they’d found him laid
across the floor,
antidepressants spilled
around a lifeless corpse,
had enough of the pain
inflicted by a mom who
never saw past the label,
God apparently couldn’t
accept him, so he left us,
wrote me a note,
said he loved me but lacked
the strength to go on,
and i cried for days,
still can’t take it,
miss him greatly,
still hurts me to say,
my first one gone
at fourteen.

i still haven’t forgiven her.