1. nothing

walking on a bridge

to nowhere,

thought i’d never

go back,

but here i am

in the all-too-familiar

motel room

i call “dysthymia,”

almost thought

i was okay,

but now i’m here

on an extended stay,

made it to 27

yet the tears

still roll down my face,

falling back

into the recluse life

and losing

whatever confidence

i had left,

struggling to let myself

just calm down.

every solution

finds a problem,

every time i think

i’ve found some relief,

a new beast

comes and strikes me,

too indecisive

to just go with the flow,

never get the chance

to just be

because anxiety

always gets in the way,

i preach change

but i’m scared of it,

a new hole opens

every time

i think i’ve fixed something,

can’t get my heart rate

to slow down,

and i don’t know

what it’s gonna take now.

i’ve never felt

more alone

in my life,

it’s like nothing i do

is ever enough,

not for them

and definitely not

for myself,

because i keep tripping

over the same crack

in the sidewalk,

keep acting like

i’m okay

every time i stand up

with my face bloodied,

try not to shame

but i feel nothing else,

and i wish

i could go back

to my old self.

i wanna feel normal

for once.