5. the new piano man

i’m a walking contradiction,

one minute,

i’m the life of the party,

the next minute,

i’m outside in a panic,

i’m the new piano man

if i could only

brave the stage,

i’m a great singer

when it’s only me,

but all the confidence

leaves at the speakeasy,

yet they still praise me

when i sing out,

i wish i could feel it

when they tell me

it’ll be okay,

i know i’ll feel it

one day,

but this is the hardest

i’ve had to work

to be patient,

time moves fast

and slow

at the same time

as i pray

the silexan

works its magic,

and brings me

some peace.

everybody else’s

got it figured out

and then there’s me,

sometimes,

i feel comfortable

with who i am,

other times,

i grieve the person

that i once was,

and grief never leaves,

it just changes

into different forms,

all at once,

i’m glad i’m not

who i used to be,

yet i look at

what i’ve become

and i hate me enough

for the both of us,

and i try not

to live in it,

but how do you

recalibrate

a brain

that won’t let

the heart

have its way?

i’m sensitive,

feel everything

to the seventh power,

i’m a perfectionist,

stuck on feeling

like i’m falling short,

fixating on things

i wish i could ignore,

and begging to know

what it takes

to be normal,

every morning,

a new discovery

that’s all for naught,

finding dead ends

on the road to nowhere,

and just hoping

for a minute to breathe,

autistic burnout

still breaking me,

but i need

to get money

and pay these loans

before the cyst

on my neck

and the ear infection

gets me,

soon i’ll be happy,

but for now,

they’re in the mood

for a melody.

so let’s give ‘em a song.