10. (lullaby)

my dearest one,

i surround you

with my love.

for you’re the only one

i’ve ever thought of.

i’ve made many choices

good and bad

in my days.

but you’re the best one

i’ve ever made.

and i know today,

you may be weary.

but i promise

you are loved

so dearly.

remember these words

as you lay

your head.

close your eyes

and rest,

dream sweetly

in your bed.

even if

i’m not here,

i promise

i’m not far behind.

for even after

i’m gone,

you’ll still be

in my sight.

i’ll keep you warm

as you’re wrapped

in my arms.

with me,

you’ll be protected

and you’ll never

know harm.

a kiss on your head

as you drift off

to sleep.

i’m right here,

my darling,

there’s no need

to weep.

rain, snow or shine,

you can find me

in the sky.

i love you forever,

and i’m always

by your side.

good night, my love.

9. (milkshake duck)

they never prepare you

for the fame,

lost myself

in the lights

and started chasing

those highs,

wanted to be

on everyone’s screens,

but didn’t realize

this is how it would be.

they found out

my name

while i was reckoning

with my worst days,

all the times

i stepped on others,

cheated and lied,

said words

i’d never utter today,

no attention

to the weight

they’d hold.

always got told

i’d learn

when i was older,

but i thought

i’d be young forever,

hard-headed

and never letting

myself grow,

so busy chasing

what i thought

i wanted

that i wasn’t

stepping back

to look in the mirror.

i wanted

to make headlines,

but not in that way,

all eyes on me

and suddenly,

i’m feeling their pain,

perpetuating

a cycle of hate

for my selfish gain,

and only having

the gall

to call it out

when i got caught.

i did plenty wrong,

it was stupid of me,

but words are hollow

if i choose to wallow

instead of working on it,

it was the kick

in the ass

that i needed

to be better

for those around me,

the ones who never

lost faith in me.

i didn’t deserve

their grace

but they gave it anyway,

now i gotta learn

from my mistakes,

and let me be

your lesson

on the dangers of fame,

make that change

and take control

of your behaviors

before it’s too late.

8. (let it circulate)

i know

what it’s like

to be pushed aside,

tried to hijack

my story

and write me in

as the bad guy,

all because

you couldn’t face down

your lies,

pride is the devil

and this could’ve

been avoided

if you just put yours

on the lower level.

you think

that i ain’t privy

to your slip-ups?

your master plan

of throwing stones

and hiding hands,

don’t let me find out

you’re running

your big mouth

while you sentence everyone

to silence

and abuse

your delusion of power.

you tried

to cut off

the blood flow,

but i’ll let it circulate,

think you run

the party,

but i’ll be the one

that takes the cake,

you only ever tried

to take food

from my plate,

intimidated by me

‘cause you know

i hold the truth,

but i’ll put it away

and spare you

the humiliation.

i try

to give ‘em grace,

because they’ve never been

through anything,

don’t know real pain

even when they

inflict it

someone else’s way,

and you fucked up

as soon as

you spoke on my name,

sold them a story

and spun a tale,

acting like the hero

when you were

never truly there.

but i’ll leave this

as the warning

to watch

who you step to,

since you never

could control

what spilled out,

i could double down,

but i’ll spare you now,

you’re a manipulator,

but i won’t fight

fire with flames,

i got it loaded,

take it easy

and i’ll shut off

all the burners,

but if you take it there,

you know

i’ll take it further.

don’t tempt me.

7. (the west end)

there’s only pain

on the day of love,

a holiday

where i only wanna

hide my face,

for everyone else,

it’s a day of joy,

but i’ve only ever

felt pain

from cupid’s arrow.

thought i had it all

but it wouldn’t last,

connected

in the west end,

but it got wicked

at the apollo,

weeks flew by

and you’d never show,

every conversation,

you gave the cold shoulder,

then left

without a warning sign.

you said always

then you walked away,

who breaks

someone’s heart

on valentine’s day?

it’s like

i’m only meant

to be replaced,

not even

in my own story

do i get to play

the lead.

life’s about connections,

but it feels like

all of mine

get severed,

it’s fun while it lasts,

but it never lasts long,

and i’m losing my mind

because i don’t know

how many times

i can replay

the same old song.

and so i hide

on valentine’s,

because loneliness

is my lot in life,

just missed chances

and maybes

with a sprinkle

of self-hatred,

love is fun

for the ones

who are lucky,

and it seems like

that’ll never be me.

i feel like giving up.

6. (interlude)

oh hey!

glad you’ve made it

this far

in the album.

that last one

was a bit heavy,

wasn’t it?

why don’t you

give yourself

a break?

you’ve been through

the wringer

lately,

and i bet

you’ve been really stressed.

and you might be

a bit hard

on yourself.

but the fact

that you’re still here

is a blessing

to me.

you deserve

to be gentle

with yourself.

take a minute

to breathe.

maybe grab some water.

and if no one

has told you this

recently,

you are valid.

you may be

the only person

feeling how you feel,

but that’s okay!

you may feel weak,

but there’s nothing wrong

with being weak.

it’s just a sign

that you’re human.

so don’t be afraid

to let yourself feel

what you’re feeling

authentically.

you’re valid either way.

i’m glad you’re here.

and if you

haven’t heard it yet…

i’m proud of you.

i hope that helps.

now, back to the show…

5. (the 20s)

“enjoy your 20s,”

so they always say.

it’s your physical prime,

so have the time

of your life,

make the memories

you’ll live with

for the next 60,

and lucky me,

it’s all mapped out.

i get to spend

my 20s

in the roaring 20s,

nothing but fun

on the path

to comfort,

the world’s my oyster,

and it’s time

for me

to finally be the star.

so i thought.

20, i was ruined by love,

21, i missed some chances,

22, i lost to a pandemic,

23, i couldn’t keep from being sick,

24, i made some progress,

25, i got existential,

26, i’m tryna keep it together.

i’m doing a great job, by the way.

every move i make

feels scrutinized,

like i’m not

doing something right,

and it doesn’t help

my mind

that i feel like

i ain’t worth

the box

that i stand on.

i’m not worthy

of love,

and probably

never will be,

pushing closer to 30

but i feel like

i’m 13,

everyone

is handling themselves

on their own,

but i wouldn’t know

the first step

to independence.

i guess

this is my destiny,

it’s self-fulfilling

prophecy,

and no amount

of manifesting

keeps me

from depressing,

i’m a walking warning sign,

but i promise

that i’m fine,

just brush me off

to the side,

i’m bound to be

left behind.

my 20s have been great.

4. (the backup friend)

another night

in exile,

separated

from all the rest,

and it’s probably

for the best

because no matter

how well

my smile hides it,

i’m a mess.

feel like i’ve been

quieter lately

because i always

find a way

to say too much

and make things worse,

but if i don’t say it,

i’ll be the one

who hurts.

maybe i should let it,

because what the hell

am i even worth?

the self-hate

is making its way back,

because i’m lost

in my mind,

i know it’s not right,

but i’m feeling

like the backup friend,

only around me

out of obligation,

it’s community service

because who would want

any part of this?

the holiday

is coming up,

but it’s one

i detest

because i don’t know

what authentic love is,

every time

i’ve gotten close,

it was at the expense

of someone else,

feel like an object

unworthy of another,

only ever get

the “almosts,”

and almost is never enough.

been doing great

at not disappearing

but slowly

convincing myself

that i should,

lock the doors

and board it up,

barely be missed,

they all deserve

a chance to live

without me

bringing them down.

so have fun. i’ll be alright.

3. (wish you were here)

i think about you

all the time,

even though

you’re so far away,

several continents

of distance between us,

but even that

couldn’t make me forget.

i still remember

everything we did,

even though it’s been

five years

since we sat

in the same room,

latest i ever

stayed out

because i just wanted

to be with you.

and i wish

i didn’t leave that night,

i wish i stayed

all those times

you offered,

wish i hadn’t been

so distant

when my head

was twisted,

wish i could’ve spent

just one more minute

with you.

maybe

in another life,

we could’ve been lovers

if i wasn’t

so stuck on another,

maybe

a full semester

would’ve changed

the weather,

another month,

and maybe

we’d have gotten

to celebrate

together.

but that never happened.

so here i am,

missing you

and wishing

you’d come back,

i know you’re home

and it’s happier

than whatever this is,

but i can’t stop

thinking of

what could’ve been,

i’m glad you’re happy

where your heart is,

but i hope

you think about me

every now and then.

i wish you were here.

2. (invisible)

sometimes,

i think i’m better

but i’m not,

been down bad

for a minute

but afraid

to admit it,

progress isn’t linear,

but the meter

keeps falling

down the slide.

i feel like

i’m invisible,

looking for

a positive spin,

but every game

of roulette

ends without a win,

and it’s probably selfish

but i wish

for a lot more than this.

cry myself to sleep

over things

that never happened

and never will,

wanting to wake up

from this bad dream

but it turns out

i was never actually

asleep.

all feels the same to me.

the thoughts

of self-sabotage

start to bubble again,

pondering all the ways

i’ll ruin what i have,

maybe

i’ll stop thinking

about what’s eating

at my head,

maybe

i’ll just do shit

for the hell of it.

maybe

i’ll give in

to the self-hate

and believe

everything it says

just like when

i wrote “goodbye,”

maybe

i’ll finally release it,

it’s almost

been a year,

who says

it’s even real?

who says

i’m living with regrets?

oh yeah, me.

sometimes i wanna

go a day or two

without eating

because i hate my body,

sometimes i wanna

let my phone die

and never charge it again,

see who would

seek me out

and who would leave me

for dead,

who would want me

in their lives

and who would forget,

didn’t think

i’d be doing this again,

don’t wanna worry

my friends,

but these thoughts

won’t leave my head.

invisible.

1. (intro)

i heard

someone say that

poetry

is just prose

broken up

by unnecessarily line breaks,

and…

i meeeeean…

i guess they’re not wrong.

so let’s write some.

for the lonely souls (35) preface

while i was putting the finishing touches on my last album, i very quickly began laying out the concepts for the next one. once “the wanderer” released, i disappeared into the shadows to work on this new album, and now, i’m finally emerging with the finished project. here we have “for the lonely souls (35),” which was originally merely titled “(35)” in reference to it being my milestone 35th poetry album. i chose, however, to add a proper title to it once the project was completed. i tried to carry a similar mindset to my last album where i tried not to think about whether a poem would be fiction or nonfiction, and i also went for something a bit different with the line and stanza construction. above all, though, this album is dedicated to anyone who may be going through any form of loneliness, be that in your personal life, professional life, social life, or any life you can think of. i hope you all can find some comfort in this new set of stories. i know that releasing two albums in a month might seem like the perfect time to take a break…but i think there may be even more to come:

1. (intro)

2. (invisible)

3. (wish you were here)

4. (the backup friend)

5. (the 20s)

6. (interlude)

7. (the west end)

8. (let it circulate)

9. (milkshake duck)

10. (lullaby)

10. me vs. me

let me hear it

one time

for the 215,

it’s the city

that raised me,

the only place

i’ve known

my whole life,

they hate it,

but i embrace it,

the day trips

to the fashion district

and the late nights

on broad street,

not a bad seat

down at CBP,

south philly made me,

it’s where i’m racing

like i’m saquon

to claim the throne,

and when i win it all

like it’s ’18,

they’ll be setting up

the parade for me.

eight years

and i’m still finding

new shit to say,

35 albums

and i’m still keeping

that bar raised

with every record i make,

‘cause in this poetry game,

it’s me vs. me,

it’s been a journey

but i’m still going,

had to chop

a few heads off,

but i didn’t step

on nobody

that didn’t deserve it,

the ones i once

called “idols”

got stuck in a spiral,

praying on my downfall,

but every album cycle,

i know they’re seated

ready for my arrival.

put the crown back on

and adjust it tight,

let it ring,

i’m the king,

i got classics to write,

mama’s sweet prince

on the way

to be a star now,

they may not

believe it,

but one day,

they’re gonna see it,

through the highs

and the lows,

i’m still right here,

lost a lot,

but what i never lost

is faith in the pen,

had to be patient,

lotta waiting

for the moment i win,

but no matter

how long it takes,

i’m gonna make it work,

i’ll live forever

through the art,

through the nouns

and the verbs,

so save a seat

in the hall of fame

for the wizard with words.

and that’s it…

that’s beautiful…

run that back

from the beginning,

i gotta read

this whole thing again…

that’s beautiful, man…

9. "he's so stupid i love him"

never knew what

forbidden love was

until you came along,

chance encounter

at a party,

didn’t even think

i was looking

for somebody

’til you grabbed

my arm

and we snuck away,

you put your lips

to mine

and taught me how

it worked,

i’d only ever known you

from church,

but suddenly,

you were the only thing

holy to me,

just couldn’t get enough,

it was all i wanted.

God might’ve been watching,

but i’ll let Him judge

if i meet Him,

i already barely believe,

really only kept going

just to be with him,

our parents would hate it

if they found out,

so let’s keep it

our little secret,

late nights

sneaking out of the house,

knew it was wrong

but we didn’t

wanna be right,

kissed his lips

at 3 AM

and made plans

to run away,

clear my schedule

for that fateful day.

but we flew

too close to the sun,

his pops found out

and made them

leave town,

never told my mama

but she can tell

when i’m down,

i miss you

all the time

and wish i had you

by my side,

but i love

that we got

to exist together,

you taught me

that i didn’t need

to go along

with what society

saw in me,

i’ll never forget

my first love,

i hope we break

the cycle

and cross paths

again someday,

but for now,

i fall in line

and reminisce

on all the good times.

“he’s so stupid i love him.”

8. mazie

mazie

was my first love

and i never knew it,

sat beside me

in my lonesome

with a smile on her face,

teeth shined like pearls,

hardly knew

what a friend was

before i met this girl,

guess 18 really was

a whole new world,

she always told me

i deserved better,

saw a side of me

that i couldn’t see,

and i learned

what it felt like

to be happy,

treasured every time

that she came by

to watch movies

in the moonlight.

wish i told you

to stay the night,

knew i loved you

but was too scared

to lose you,

so i stayed quiet,

tried not to ruin it

with my only friend

even though i had

the words playing

in my head,

i hit the bed

with those words

left unsaid,

thought i’d get

another chance

to dance with you,

thought you’d be

in my future plans,

i’d take your hand

and get to be

your man.

but now,

i can never have you,

fate decided

it was time

for you to go,

you smiled brightest

just to hide

the pain

you felt inside,

laughed the loudest

to try to quiet

the demons that pried,

never even saw you cry

because you brushed it

to the side,

i wish i knew

so i could’ve helped you

find the joys in life,

you had me

at hello,

but it hurts to know

i never got

to say goodbye,

so instead,

i stand at the gravesite

and say the words

i should’ve said

a thousand times…

i love you, mazie.

7. closing time at the milkboy

it’s closing time

at the milkboy,

they’re breaking down

the stage,

down at the bar,

william lets me stay

and pours me a drink,

“what a show!”

as i stare at my cup,

i leave him a tip

and he starts

picking my brain,

“any venue

would be blessed

to have you,

you should be

packing stadiums,

how do you stay?”

i don’t say a word,

i just sip,

quietly wishing

for something bigger

than this,

a bigger party

than anything

i was ever given.

always felt like

i was invited

out of obligation,

just a body

filling a space,

the kind

you could erase

and nothing would change,

just passing time

with people

who forget i’m alive,

no one invited me

to concerts

so i started

performing my own,

in the moment,

i was somebody,

suddenly,

they loved me,

tip jar overflowing

at the seams

and i’m living

what they’d call

the dream.

but a year passes

and i’m still here,

wondering when

the next piece

comes true,

have i hit my peak?

so much left

to achieve,

but i’m tearing

at the seams,

i gave them a chance

to forget it all,

granted a reprieve

with a melody,

but the fears

start echoing

as i empty the drink,

give william a nod

as i get up and leave,

stop drowning my sorrows,

get some sleep

before i do it

all over again tomorrow.

is this what i wanted?

6. all i had was my notepad

all i had was my notepad.

been living more

than a couple lives,

trying to keep up

with ‘em all,

jot each word down

while i trip and fall,

the same pages

i’ve been scribbling in

since i was a kid,

solitude was my only friend,

parents in the house

but i was always

running from them,

needed my room

to breathe,

a temporary break

from reality

where they couldn’t

wait for me to leave,

wrote about

my pipe dreams

while avoiding them

smoking the pipe

around me,

then the pipes cracked,

their rocks smashed,

and as the alarms blast,

i climbed out the window,

disappeared in a flash.

and all i had was my notepad.

only way to survive

as i tried to climb

the ladder,

tried to connect

with heads

who left me for dead,

had to understand

the benefits of independence

and lost my senses

in the process,

but i kept on scribbling

just so i could live,

and the greatest tragedy

will be the day

the money flows

off these words

and i’m not here for it,

all the accolades

on my name

that i won’t get

to celebrate,

maybe a case

of self-fulfilling prophecy,

nasty habit i formed

as the ones in charge

turned their backs on me,

a kid all over again

as i learned

what it truly meant

to be lonely.

and all i had was my notepad.

i watched the bombs drop

in my neighborhood,

disconnected from whatever

a family represented,

said goodbyes

to people

i thought i’d have

for my whole life,

ended up in places

i wish i could unsee

and had my whole world

taken away from me,

all because my creativity

wasn’t so easy

to monetize,

and i’ve been traumatized,

somehow, i survived

all because of my pen,

but after all this time,

i’m still the kid in the bed,

dreaming of more

out of life,

stuck between a couple

sides of myself,

long looks in the mirror

but i can’t see

the real me,

staring down these roads

but don’t know where to go.

and all i have is my notepad.

5. for a season

years since we talked,

even though 

i once heard from him

on the daily,

talked more often

than some

i’d known longer,

always poked fun,

but he saw

something in me

every other place

hadn’t seen,

helped unlock

the creator

i wanted to be,

and even after

it all fell apart,

he stuck around,

used to say

he was my “boss”

but then he became

my “friend,”

and we had big plans,

takeover

and domination,

the world wasn’t ready

for what we had

up our sleeves.

but then it just stopped.

all those messages

i sent

just to never hear

from him again,

never knew

if it was something

on my end

that had me left

on read,

guess what we had

was just a moment,

and maybe it was

for the best,

saw him falling down

the rabbit hole

of conspiracy,

energy wasn’t the same,

sudden aggression

i noticed in him

that i couldn’t explain,

the glass was half-full

but it started to drain,

i tried to hang on

but the walls were up,

so i kept it down

and went about my way.

some people

are in your life

for a reason,

others are only there

for a season,

and it doesn’t need

to be deeper,

no disdain either,

just two people

that drift apart,

treasure the ones

you get to keep,

but there doesn’t need

to be beef

with the ones who leave,

after enough time

playing split screen,

some need a little

room to breathe,

fun to have a team,

but some need

to fly solo,

so give a toast

to the good times,

and leave it off

with a peace sign.

godspeed, V.

4. friends in high places

stuck in hiding

at the house

up on the hill,

had to run

from a life

i wasn’t ready for,

created my own

little haven

and tailor-made

my own parades,

free from the anxiety

that social life

provided me,

thought they’d all

be better off

so i left to find

my peace of mind,

learned to take joy

in the little things,

no pressure

or expectations,

just trimming hedges

and planting dandelions.

but sometimes,

it’s not all that

it’s cracked up to be,

almost forgotten

how to speak,

gets hard

when the only

conversations

are with the mirror

or the wall,

words are minimal,

but thoughts

become cynical

and the space starts

feeling liminal

as my brain keeps

playing push and pull,

suddenly,

it all feels harder

and i’m scared

the panic disorder

is gonna take me

and no one

will be here to see

because no one

would ever claim me.

but i’m not alone,

i’ve got

friends in high places,

and i know

they’re on their way soon,

haven’t seen ‘em

in years

but i know

they’re still here

somewhere,

i never gave ‘em

the address,

but i know

they’d never forget,

they remember me best,

i know

they never left,

i’ve even got

the table set,

so let’s go

and break some bread.

maybe tomorrow night.

3. two broken puzzle pieces

it’s bad for me

to think of you

the way i’ve been,

but for some reason,

i can’t quit ya,

you kissed me

in a way

that screwed up

my life,

but it was only ever

gonna last

one night,

and ever since,

i haven’t felt right,

the pursuit

of self-indulgence

gave us that time,

but i can’t just be

an object of pleasure,

and that’s the only thing

that keeps us together.

feel like

you only call

when it’s convenient,

only come around

when someone

won’t do you right,

disappear for two years

then fall back

when you need a fix,

i’m sorry,

but i can’t be

your experiment,

you might get

my language,

but maybe

that’s not the way

we should communicate,

i keep thinking

about calling,

but all the situations

i’m playing

in my head

don’t go so well

in the end.

i don’t love you,

i just love

the feeling you bring,

and i can’t

be stuck

in a situationship,

it’s not what i deserve

and not what you

should give,

two broken puzzle pieces

in the wrong place

don’t end up fixing

the bigger picture,

and no matter

how much i miss

what it felt like

in the moment,

it’s for the best

if we just leave it

where it is.

in the past.

2. rest my weary heart

need a place

to rest

my weary heart,

tryna keep it

in one piece

while i’m handing

everyone a piece,

the better everything seems,

the faster it beats,

and it sure beats

being numb,

but i wish there was

a moment of peace,

never know

if i’m doing it right,

indecisiveness strikes

while i’m writing

as i wonder

what i’m really feeling,

should i build the wall

or let myself fall?

seems low self-esteem season

is reappearing

as we’re reaching the fall.

always found myself

trying to stay

on the right side

of the wrong crowd,

took such

a hard left

that i started wondering

what the right side

really looked like,

then every time

i thought i was sure,

uncertainty brought me

right back to before,

love-bitten

and grief-stricken

at the same time,

wondering why

i can’t properly feel

what i want

without fear

of how i’ll fuck it up.

guess that’s

the story of one

who loves too hard,

a perpetual purpose

to please

all but myself,

never comfortable

when i feel like

i’ve found the one,

and it never

feels like i’ve won,

just like i’m stuck

and never know

what i want,

even when it’s standing

right in front

of me,

please let my heart

have a moment

to breathe,

give me a sign

that this time,

i can have

something nice.

just this once.

1. "write what you know"

thank you,

thank you,

thank you,

you’re far too kind…

ahem…

february

was the longest month

of my life,

but then

i blinked twice

and september came,

felt like frank

on that novacane,

saw the void

and ain’t been the same,

happy days

but i’m still in pain,

i’m okay

but i’m not okay,

nightmares

of the paramount

VHS tape,

they still play

in my head

and they just

won’t escape,

begging for

my dysthymia

to give me a break.

put on a little weight

while everyone

around me

was shedding theirs,

impossible

not to compare,

standing in the mirror

and i just can’t help

but stare,

something’s always

just a bit off,

i’m stronger,

but somehow

i’m more fragile

as i’ve gotten older,

facing life

on my lonesome,

supposed to be

part of the “new adults,”

but i’m feeling more

like a child with

each passing year,

what the hell

am i even supposed

to be doing here?

my purpose

starts to get fuzzy,

and the words i write

just don’t come to me,

it’s always been

“write what you know”

so why do i write

about love the most?

never had it,

not once,

and i’ll never be

what one wants,

so i’ll jot it

like i always do,

keep the pen moving

tellin’ the same story,

how’d i ever

deserve this stage?

i don’t even feel

like a king,

put the crown down,

i don’t need the clout,

strip the ego now

while i scream it out.

the wanderer.

the wanderer preface

hello again, readers, and as always, a warm welcome back. life has been chaos lately so i hope all of you are being gentle and taking good care of yourselves. i made you all wait a while for this project, and frankly, i myself couldn’t wait any longer, either; today, i bring you my 34th full-length poetry album, “the wanderer.” in the past, i’ve often gotten caught up on whether a poetry project should be fiction or nonfiction, and whether a project should have some kind of unique concept. with this record, however, i went in looking to not focus on such things, and my entire mindset in creating this album was “just write.” initially, this led to me having almost too many ideas (so much so that, as you may have noticed, some of my recent singles were initially intended for this album), but once everything fell into place, the process was freeing, and it led to the creation of what i believe to be my best album yet. it feels good to still be able to put out works like this that i’m so proud of even after so many years and so many poems. i hope you enjoy this new set of stories, and i hope you’re looking to the future, because i…well, let me not say more; i fear i may have already said too much:

1. “write what you know”

2. rest my weary heart

3. two broken puzzle pieces

4. friends in high places

5. for a season

6. all i had was my notepad

7. closing time at the milkboy

8. mazie

9. “he’s so stupid i love him”

10. me vs. me