4. (the backup friend)

another night

in exile,

separated

from all the rest,

and it’s probably

for the best

because no matter

how well

my smile hides it,

i’m a mess.

feel like i’ve been

quieter lately

because i always

find a way

to say too much

and make things worse,

but if i don’t say it,

i’ll be the one

who hurts.

maybe i should let it,

because what the hell

am i even worth?

the self-hate

is making its way back,

because i’m lost

in my mind,

i know it’s not right,

but i’m feeling

like the backup friend,

only around me

out of obligation,

it’s community service

because who would want

any part of this?

the holiday

is coming up,

but it’s one

i detest

because i don’t know

what authentic love is,

every time

i’ve gotten close,

it was at the expense

of someone else,

feel like an object

unworthy of another,

only ever get

the “almosts,”

and almost is never enough.

been doing great

at not disappearing

but slowly

convincing myself

that i should,

lock the doors

and board it up,

barely be missed,

they all deserve

a chance to live

without me

bringing them down.

so have fun. i’ll be alright.