3. i wrote the book on self-loathing

tryna muster the strength

to get out of bed,

but i’m too stuck

in my head,

a modern day mr. jones,

just wanna be beautiful

but every time

i’m counting crows,

only 13 show,

it seems i’ve kept

the devil in the know,

he’s been working overtime

on my life,

“fate is kind,”

that’s disney’s biggest lie,

if that was the case,

i wouldn’t be cursed

with the pain

inside my mind.

can’t wait for them

to name a new

mental health disorder

after me,

pretty easy to see

why they’re tired of me,

i’m not cut out

for “fun”

so i’ll be left in the dust,

all i ever do

is bring down

everyone that i’m around,

i’m sinking

into the swamp

like i’m artax,

‘cause who’d wanna be

around someone

who radiates this much sadness?

got some shit

i wanna say

that i’ll hold

to the chest

so i don’t leave ‘em worried,

i made that mistake

and hurt important people,

trust i don’t wanna

do it again,

but just like i said

in 2020,

they’re all better without me,

i bring no value,

and all the happiest days

are the ones

i’m not part of,

should just leave ‘em alone

and disappear,

hide my face in shame

and go away,

i’m too dependent

on ‘em anyway,

they’ll be great

and it’ll all be okay,

‘cause i’m nothing

without them

but they don’t need me

in the same way.

you’ll be fine without me.

go be happy.

2. i’m sorry my poems ruined your life

took a minute

to process

and i went back

to the past,

remembered someone

that i shouldn’t have,

all the poems

i devoted to them

that i should’ve held

to the chest,

don’t deny my part

in any pain,

but i wish you did

the same,

accountability was never

your favorite game,

i’ve always been easy

to manipulate,

and i was wrapped

around your finger,

you were so filled

with hate

but why do i

so clearly remember

your warm embrace?

you never miss them,

you just miss

who you thought they were,

the fleeting moments

that you can’t repeat

since they went off,

blissful and ignorant

of the ways

they changed you,

how they’d break you

and make you

question everything

you thought you knew

about yourself,

throw your confidence

on the shelf,

light the gas

and watch the flame engulf,

i have every reason

to wish you the worst,

but i don’t.

i hope you’re treating him

better

than you treated me,

i hope you’ve grown up

and tried to be

a better person,

quit talking about

“that’s just who i am”

and own up

where you must,

you’re the reason

i find it harder to trust

and swore off love,

but i can’t live

with anger or disgust,

i hope that karma

taught you something

and you listened,

dropped all the pettiness,

projection and disses,

act a little less

dismissive

and learn to accept.

i’m still learning to forgive.

1. i wouldn’t wanna hang out with me either

welcome to the ride,

come along

and i’ll take you inside

this twisted mind,

you seem to have

a lot of patience

to choose a guy

like me,

someone who will find

a way

not to appreciate

the greatness

you can give,

i’ve been known to sabotage

and ruin my chances,

let my own actions

cause me to lose

the good things in life,

and you mean a lot

to me

so come watch me

fuck it up

all in one night,

i’ll be the temporary

friend in your life,

give you five minutes

until you learn

that i’m unexciting,

and with my permission,

you can kick me

to the curb,

you won’t have to worry

about hurting me,

because chances are

i deserve it,

i’ve always been

the buzzkill,

best at bringing

the mood down,

and all my attempts

to improve

just inch me closer

to my doom,

so you can decide

if you’d still like to ride,

i promise

i won’t be hurt

if you say no.

it’s probably better

for you anyway.

a day in the life EP preface

surprise! i’m sure you weren’t expecting this but thank you for stopping by on such short notice. today, i’ve brought you my milestone 10th poetry EP, “a day in the life EP.” this is (i believe) the first time ever that i’ve released a poetry project without any prior announcement, teases, snippets, or indications that i was working on one. truth be told, this was a spur-of-the-moment thing; as the name suggests, i wrote this EP out in a day, as i just had some stuff on my mind and wanted to write. i once heard a wise mind say that, if you’re ever struggling or not feeling your greatest, write it out. so i took that advice and just let some emotions pour out here. i hope you enjoy these poems; it’s been difficult lately, but i’m glad i still have anyone who stops by to read my work. now if you don’t mind, i’m off to sleep; i have a big day ahead of me today (i’m finally gonna get the help i need, i hope). until then, enjoy these new poems:

1. i wouldn’t wanna hang out with me either

2. i’m sorry my poems ruined your life

3. i wrote the book on self-loathing

10. hug the people you love and care about a little tighter

emma left yesterday.

no sadder day

than saturday,

i wish you could’ve stayed,

so many more words

you had left to say,

all you wanted

was to make something

of yourself

in some way,

but it’s been taken.

you fought it all,

but the pain

was too much to take,

mama was distraught

at the thought,

because no mom

ever thinks

they’ll be the one

to bury their daughter.

you inspired me

daily,

your passion for your craft

and that brilliant mind

made me want

to get better at mine,

i wouldn’t be

half the man i’ve become

if not for your love,

you’re the only one

i ever thought of,

and i want to make sure

that your story

lives on.

i only wish

you got to be here

to tell that story.

i don’t know

how i’ll go through

these days

without you around,

i still feel like

i see you

somehow,

i don’t know

where you go in the end,

but i hope

you hold my hand

and be my guide,

i hope your soul

never truly dies.

if you see God,

tell Him i said “thanks,”

He and i

don’t see eye to eye,

but if He’s real,

i’m glad He put you

in my life,

the tears

roll down my eyes,

but i know

you’d want me to smile,

remember the good times,

all the joy

and the light of your life,

hallelujah

to the beautiful emma,

i’ll make sure your memory

lives on forever.

mama says she loves you.

9. today was the longest month of my life

sun beckons in my room

and i haven’t slept

a minute,

the insomnia’s

been winning

and it’s hard to fix it,

the winter

casts its firm grasp

once again,

the weakest season

where happy moments

feel fleeting,

and a fresh start

gets thrown in the trash.

it’s a dark time

and it feels endless,

i’m trapped

in my perpetual sadness

and the self-hate

creeps its way

back in,

suddenly,

everything comes crashing down,

and positivity

is nowhere to be found.

and every time i bounce back,

it never lasts,

only feel it for a minute,

then it’s gone in an instant,

every habit

gets its benefits depleted

in no time flat,

and i’m back to feeling

like i’m worthless,

like everything i do is bad.

every mistake i make

feels catastrophic,

it’s all exploding

around me,

and i’m vibing

while surrounded

by fire,

and once it all burns down,

i’m seated in the rubble,

because everything i love

has started to crumble.

embarrassed about

my own existence,

feel like i wanna disappear

for just a little bit,

retreat back to my shell,

i thought I finally broke out,

but now,

i’m right back where i started,

it’s like i can never

be comfortable for long

because bad luck

is creeping around the corner.

i once won an award

in school

for being in the background,

so maybe hiding

is something i’m destined for,

maybe i’m just bound

to push away

all the good people

that come my way,

they’ve been there

and continued to care

despite my bad mental state,

and i feel like

i’ve only caused them pain.

and every time

i think i could shake

the demons from the past,

they come back

to lead me astray.

do scars ever

truly heal?

or do they merely fade

and serve

as a painful reminder

of your worst days?

25 but i still got

a lot of growing to do,

i wanna get out

of my own way,

escape the darkest parts

of my own brain,

and be the version of me

my people deserve,

i’ve barely been ready

to be an adult

since day one,

but i’m tryna do better,

and i only hope

that better

is good enough.

8. this is the closest i’ve gotten to putting my screenwriting degree to use

falling back

on old habits,

shutting myself out

in sadness

and ignoring the ones

i shouldn’t be,

and it takes me back,

to a time

of better things.

i just really wish

i could see allie again.

one of my

best friends,

made the bad times good

and the best times better,

we were always together,

so many TMI convos

you confided in me

between the laughs

we shared,

you used to miss home,

it was so far away,

some days,

that jet lag

was too much to take,

but you made

the most of it.

even when

you were homesick,

down in the dumps

because some asshole

stood you up,

you still lit up my day,

remember that time

that you told me,

“i’d totally date you.”

i kinda wish i took you up on that.

i was always

so distracted

by the wrong ones

that i didn’t see

the right one

standing in front of me,

who even knows

if we were meant to be,

but i’d like to believe.

sometimes i wish

i could go back

to that night in her dorm room,

wish i just kissed her then

before she left,

wish i hadn’t been so distant

in the time since,

head wasn’t on straight

and i coped

in the wrong ways.

you’re all i’m thinking of

in this club tonight,

you always loved to party

and i wish i’d joined you

once or twice,

just to know

if the feeling was right,

or just to spend

some more time

with a special person

in my life.

but instead,

i pour my sorrows

into the cup,

dive in and drown,

the alcohol

gives me all

the liquid courage

i could ever need,

but i turn away

anyone that comes up to me,

i tell ‘em

“i’m waiting for allie,”

but i’ll be waiting

‘till the end of time

if i wanna see her again.

i wish you were here.