5. i'm a loser

3:30 am again, i can’t
find peace, it’s gonna
be another late sleep,
because dreams are
the only place that i
can retreat to as my
escape from the bad
luck of life, and even
though i know all the
moments i saw with
her were fake, i want
to go back to them so
i can pretend it’s okay.

even if i awake and it
makes me feel worse,
the temporary bits of
happiness i get from
them make me want
to go back. even got
to see another friend
that walked away, we
worked it out, spent a
day engaging in that
conversation i’d been
craving, amazing to be
in such a great space.

but so the story goes,
i only find joy in those
dreams, and when i’m
faced with real life, all
i have is my own self,
no friends to cry to, no
lover to cuddle with, no
success to speak of, i’m
stuck to telling people i
am doing fine when i’m
really not: i tell them i’m
great when i’m really just
alone, scared, tired, and
feeling like everything i do
is a mistake and everyone
hates me but won’t say it.

i just feel like i’m a loser.

4. life before

artists hype the fame
but still like to say they
miss their life before it.
still at that “life before”
phase, they tell me to
savor it, because i’ve
got some people who
expect me to give a
payment if i’m ever
famous, like i owe a
favor to any of them.

but even in the phase
i’m in, already started
to miss my life before
all this, look back and
miss the happy matt,
the kid who knew how
to smile through and
never show his pain.
beacon of positivity,
often wish you guys
got to know him then
instead of meeting me,
the cynical sad boy who
can’t control his emotions.

already going through
the motion where i miss
the old me, no one told
me but i know they feel
the same way, he never
felt alone or wondered
if he’d make it through,
kept on going, pushed
forward, no paranoia to
speak of for the happy
boy, but now he’s laying
in bed, self-hating, feels
so lazy, just can’t take it.

i wish i could go back.

3. love sucks

i know i’ve talked
about love so much
before, but it’s just
something i keep on
coming back to, i’ve
just thought so much
about how i’ll never
have it and how i’m
so unlovable at this
point, mom and dad
always tell me they
hope i find someone
special, but i’m bound
to stay alone forever.

because love sucks.

i know it seems angsty,
but i mean it, and if love
didn’t suck, i wouldn’t be
going through the motions
because everyone i’ve ever
liked, i never had a chance
to be with. and if love didn’t
suck, i wouldn’t be sitting up
at 4 in the morning thinking
about how this same person
i’ve been stuck on for the last
year is probably off falling for
someone who’s everything i’ll
never be, and less annoying.

and if love didn’t suck,
i wouldn’t need to write
another poem about it.
and if love didn’t suck,
i wouldn’t be thinking
about how much she
probably hates to hear
even a word from me,
i wouldn’t need to try
and act like i’m fine,
i’d just feel it, but i’m
struggling to get rid of
this, and it hurts to see
how much better off she
is without me and how i
ruin everything between
the two of us, i’m sorry,
i wish she cared to read
this, but i bet she doesn’t.

why am i not good enough for her?

2. fake friends

these days, it seems
like everyone’s trying
to leave, even when i
would plead for them
to stay, instead they’d
throw up the deuces,
say peace and beam.
lately, so many have
walked out that i’ve
lost count, so much
for always being here
for me when i need it.
they’d say it but now
i’ll never believe in it.

lost one that i thought
i could call my brother,
we looked so alike they
thought we were, but so
he goes, and gone too is
the one i had once called
a sister-in-law, i’d thought
she was sweet but now i’m
cut off, it honestly sucks, i
wish them the best, though.
they’re better than the one
who supported these words
but now wants to forget i’d
ever been a part of his life,
pulled the shit i told him i’d
been most scared of, like a
snake slithering down me,
what a way to go out, huh?

and then there’s another
i’ve done things for that
i would’ve never thought
he’d need this early, paid
out-of-pocket to help him
and offered up anything in
a time of desperate need,
but apparently, just wasn’t
enough, and so the story is
told in the same way as the
others: dropped without any
reason, has me feeling like
i’m nothing, never worthy of
the love they’ll give to others,
hope they aren’t faking it to
them in the same way they
did straight up to my face.

because no one deserves that.

1. content cops

social world is crazy,
i usually see nothing
but now i’m running,
catching glimpses of
some hits and i’m just
trying to make sense
of it, but i step off of
my cloud, i come and
get bombarded with
the content cops that
wanna take my soul
but they don’t meet
with me, face to face.

they’re all out here
trying to censor me,
acting like i’m talking
white supremacy but
all i’m posting is some
teases, then they’re all
afraid to speak to me?
this shit is a doozy, i’m
trying to see why you’re
afraid to have honesty,
talk to me if you think i
need it, solves so much
if you were just upfront.

are you really concerned
about my health? or just
what i post? want me to
think you’re here but you
would rather go gossip?
you’d think that a family
would have some loyalty
to not go behind a back,
but apparently, a tiny bit
of common courtesy is a
little too much to ask for
out of people these days.

that’s a shame.

i need to vent preface

here’s my newest mini-album, “i need to vent.” originally, this one started as an EP, but it ended up growing a bit more into a mini-album since i had a little more inspiration. this was one of the more difficult projects that i’ve written. i’ve had a lot to get off of my chest that i’ve held in for a while, and a lot of pain went into writing these ones. i even cried when re-reading them, just because they were that difficult to write. i’m really proud of this project, though, and i hope you guys enjoy it.

1. content cops

2. fake friends

3. love sucks

4. life before

5. i’m a loser

missing you

late at night, my
heart is heavy as
i try once again to
convince myself i’m
fine without you, but
just as i start trying to
convince myself that i’ll
be alright, the memories
come flooding back to me
and i’m yearning again to
go back to the time when
everything was alright for
the two of us, at the point
where i start to lose myself.

for so much time, i’d be
afraid to speak, wanted
it to seem like i was just
fine, but i was never able
to believe my own lies, so
i watch from the sidelines
and i see you, so happy, i
tell myself you’re so much
better without me, and i’m
sorry i couldn’t be the one
to give you what you need.

wish that i was easier to love,
but i’m just not enough, and
i wish i could fall out of this
feeling, but i’m stuck, and it
sucks that i’m going through
this, just missing you as i sit
and wish this would go away,
or that life played this game
in a more fair way, with less
heartbreak and pain, a little
less self-hate and some more
happiness poured on my plate.

here i am again, missing you.

i’m sorry i’m such a bother.

better off dead

all that shit that was
said of me was right.

do i even work hard?

i don’t even make money.

i can’t even drive.

what do i do with my life?

are people even gonna
care what i write here?

another poem like this?

the more i grow,
the worse i get.

no one cares for me.

no one likes my poems.

i don’t like suicide, but
i sometimes feel like i’ll
die and no one will care.

i worry that so many will
just shrug and move on.

i know i won’t do it, but
i feel like i would just be
better off dead, and the
world would be so much
happier without me in it.

and every time i try to tell
myself that’s not the truth,
i just believe it even more.

i feel so vulnerable,
i feel so afraid, and
i’m losing my faith.

i’m scared of growing,
i already feel so alone.

i don’t know if i can do this.

10. 2019

and now, look
where i’m at.

four years later, i’ve
lost much of what i
had back then, and
i can’t bring myself
to believe that i have
my life under control.
there’s no way for me
to mellow out, either,
because everyday i
think about how i’m
not doing enough to
help be there for my
friends, and i tend to
think of how much of
a failure i am, soon to
be 21, got no job and
i waste all of my days
writing poetry no one
will ever care to read.

never thought about love,
but here i am stuck in this
one-sided crush with her,
the one i had a chance to
be with over a year ago, i
blew my shot because i’m
a dumbass and i bet that
she wouldn’t care if i fell
right off and died today.
i try to tell myself i’m fine
but more and more, i see
that i’m lying because i’m
hurting harder and harder.
so many people i could fall
for, but she won’t leave my
mind, and i know that isn’t
so ideal for my own health,
but i just can’t help it at all.

spent my whole life praying
to a God that i can’t speak
to anymore these days, i’d
ask Him to help my friends
but all He would do is hurt
them harder, then started
to do the same to me, just
couldn’t take that anymore.
i don’t regret the distance,
but i can’t help but think of
how cynical i’m becoming
as i enter into adulthood.

beyond paranoid, i just
can’t take my head off
the swivel, freaked out
that i’ll grow alone and
i’ll be forgotten, no one
to ever make an impact,
just that lazy, sad poet
that wrote far too much,
thought he’d be a king,
but could never take a
royal throne, the fear is
taking over, i want all of
the pain to go away, but
i live through it, i try to
hide it, but i just can’t.

i just feel worthless.

9. 2015

even as i wanted to
forget freshman year,
junior/senior was the
time of my life, finally
felt confident and had
the world on my side,
never had a day where
i felt like no one cared,
didn’t have a moment
where i felt invalid, this
was just a perfect era.

awoke every day and
looked in the mirror, i
always had faith and
told myself “i got it,”
i oozed confidence,
never had to look for
validation from others
because i just believed
in myself, inside and out,
emotions under control, i
knew i was the shit, never
needed someone to say it.

and i knew i earned it,
always worth it, even
when i was all alone,
never self-hated as i
was too busy with my
rock band’s comeback,
a year full of happiness,
the blessings fell into my
lap and the gifts all just
kept right on giving, felt
like God had all the best
intentions for me in 2015.

back when life was happy.

8. 2013

some first impressions
aren’t so great, though,
third was no different,
high school started off
worse than i thought,
grades tanked and i
was sick of it, crohn’s
was making it hard to
feel good, could never
socialize and so i had
no friends to hang with,
was all alone, unhappy,
thought that i wouldn’t
make it stop, let it end.

yet, right now, i keep
wanting to go back to
2013, surprisingly, but
that was the summer
of my life, my grades
had fallen to the c’s
but dc, ac, oc were
c’s that could make
me happy, felt like
i could relax, made
youtube videos with
the guys, and i got to
an unescapable high.

even back to school at
year’s end, i felt like i’d
been more comfy, and
maybe it’s because i’d
play so much infinity or
got inspired by movies
but it felt like everything
was flourishing, and so
my creativity would grow,
school paper, writing my
reviews and the teacher
called them perfect, he
would even brag about
me to the others, almost
felt like i was a celebrity.

wow, that was a fun time.

7. 2010

wish i was excited
for life like before,
2010 was the time
i had it all planned.
100 subscribers on
youtube just out of
playing guitar hero,
had to say, was real
great then, before it
wrecked my hands,
will never get back
to that level again.

but that’s just fine,
because 2010 was
one of the greatest
years of my life, the
trip to universal out
in florida, really the
crown jewel of it all,
flew with neutron in
his rocket before the
place was torn away,
and i got to shoot the
aliens with the men in
black, and they let me
remember, how sweet!

or how about that the
movies released then
actually got me to feel
really excited? fresh off
pandora, hatter scared
me but that movie was
pretty sweet, gru came
and deceived at a time
when minions were neat,
the toys almost died but
the owls whisked me off
to ga’hoole right after i’d
said goodbye, chased the
wind and took to the sky.

the decade started so well.

what the hell happened?

6. 2009

new school, new life,
same stupid hair, but
my fears weren’t big
like before, no bullies
to break my mood, i’d
felt more comfortable,
the start of the middle
was so different but it
was nice to finally feel
like i could walk into a
room without someone
trying to hit me, though
homework was a killer,
it could’ve gone worse.

they could’ve bullied
because i looked like
a girl, or because i’d
gather round the tv
for season 3 of nbb,
thought they’d turn
on me for that lone
time that i cheated
during a vocabulary
test and forged my
mama’s signing on
the detention slip.

she still doesn’t know.

but no, they all forgot,
and life moved on, just
in some unusual ways:
carl tied balloons and
flew to paradise falls,
didn’t get what he had
wanted but at least the
movie made us all cry,
nat and alex had their
show cancelled but i
saw them in my city
for just one last time,
penn’s landing, what
a ride in the crazy car.

i kinda wanna go back.

5. 2008

i never wanna go
back to 4th grade,
impressed i made
it out with my life,
i had everybody
bullying me, and
never even told
my mama all the
frustration they
placed upon me.
seems surprising
that a sweet boy
was the target of
so many, but low
and behold, i was.

i won’t go naming,
but i still remember
the kid who always
kicked me when he
had to let me in the
classroom, all those
homophobic slurs i’d
constantly hear them
throw at me, and how
they’d lie and make it
out that i was the one
doing shit to them, did
anyone have my back?
nope, my “friends” had
turned right on me, too.

even the days where i’d
listen to trey songz and
play smash bros. brawl,
all just small moments,
couldn’t get away and i
hated it, started showing
signs of seclusion and i’d
stop talking, they’d notice
but wouldn’t know it was
their fault, caused me to
turn paranoid and never
feel like i was worth it, a
little blip, a statistic, and
no one that would ever be
special to the rest of them.

i can’t believe i made it.

4. 2006

second grade, your
boy was a bit chatty,
mama wasn’t happy
when teachers would
start giving low marks
because i couldn’t keep
my mouth shut, funny to
think about today since i
don’t talk nearly as much.
crazy to look back at that
time when i was so excited
that i never even stopped
to take the tiniest breath.

saving all of it for that one
christmas when i got the
wii, everyone told me not
to hit the tv, didn’t want
controllers to start flying,
and remember to take a
break so you can go for
a joy ride with lightning
mcqueen, he is speed,
was the only car that i
wanted to see, and we
played that old-school
jt and the bad girl riri.

miss times like that, had
not the smallest care, i’d
just go tap my happy feet
when i played that ddr on
the cube with luigi, kinda
easy but it kept me going,
got through it in one day
and i thought i was king.
back when i thought that
i could be royalty, but now
i look in the mirror and just
wonder what i’ve become.

8-year old me was so sweet.

3. 2003

first days in that
magical school
of kindergarten,
wonder if i cried
before i walked
through the door.
least the teacher,
sunny as can be,
made us happy
to be in, and the
days were nice.

karate weighed me
down, but hey, at
least thursday was
reserved for pizza.
the fast food days
felt more special
than they do now,
like a holiday after
a week of learning.
mama took us out
blasting her shania,
singing in the car, i
almost felt like i was
at a massive concert.

moviegoing wasn’t as
frequent as before, and
the video games weren’t
all the rage, but we liked
hitting the arcade at the
mall, too bad it’s all gone.
sitting in the pile with kb
and blockbuster as relics
of a time when happiness
was a new toy you really
wanted to play with, and
sadness only came when
your favorite movie just
wasn’t in stock to rent.

the mall was different then.

2. 2002

pre-school days
like the rugrats,
i liked to think i
was like chuckie,
since i’d always
be afraid, even
my own shadow
made me jump.
funny how little
has changed up.
stuffed animals
kept me company
after a late night
with jimmy jimmy
at the candy bar.

spent everyday with
my toy story 2 and
monsters, inc. vhs’s,
and mama took us
driving, she played
her whitney cd and
i thought that i could
one day be a singer,
or maybe an actor.
listen to those lies,
really thought i’d
have the talent to
even succeed at it.
wonder what young
me would think if he
saw himself at twenty.

he’d probably like the
new video games, but
i wish i could go back
to play what he missed.
swindle with sly cooper,
soak up some sunshine
with mario on the island,
and maybe try to finish
that spider-man game
thirteen years earlier.
he never did pay much
attention to his games
after the very first level.

easily distracted, just like now.

1. 1998

welcome to the world,
it was quite a journey.
but you’re here, and
you’ve got your life
ahead of you, don’t
feel so intimidated.
july 7th, while you
just came to earth,
the power rangers
just flew to space.
but don’t you worry,
they’ll come back.
a dangerous world,
they’ll save it, right?

your first christmas,
celebrate it with your
new friends, blossom
bubbles and buttercup.
maybe if the noisiness
of the theater isn’t too
much for you to take,
mama will bring you
to the mini ant colony
pixar lovingly created,
flik and all his friends
stopped hopper, good
thing, too, since it turns
out he’s a sex offender.

you can’t play the
playstation yet, but
soon enough, you’ll
have your chance to
take that controller
away from your bro.
little do you know a
purple dragon was
born beside you, he
will mean more than
you may yet realize.
until you learn, go
listen to goo goo,
let them know who
you are, even if they
don’t want to see you.

welcome to the world, kid.

coming of age preface

kept everyone waiting a while for this one, but my 23rd poetry album is called “coming of age.” i had wanted to write an album with the theme of nostalgia and growing up to it, and this is what it became. i’m really proud of it and i hope you guys love it as much as i do.

1. 1998

2. 2002

3. 2003

4. 2006

5. 2008

6. 2009

7. 2010

8. 2013

9. 2015

10. 2019