what do i say?

i wish i knew
what to say,
but it just
never comes out.
it’s all just fear
that it’s all my fault,
as i sit alone,
trapped in my bad thoughts
and do nothing but worry.

it always feel like,
when i’ve got
a good thing going,
i find some way
to fuck it up,
or at least,
that’s what my brain
tells me.
and i probably
am just thinking too much,
and i don’t have
a damn thing to worry about,
but my mind says otherwise.
it traps me
in this constant worry,
this never-ending state
of self-blame,
and even “thinking positive”
doesn’t take away from it.

i can spend a night out,
hang with my friends,
relax and have fun,
but when the dark
of night hits,
and i’m home alone
in my room,
all that i think of
is what went wrong.
everyone around me
will be like
“everything’s fine,”
but that won’t stop me
from thinking
that nothing is fine.

what do i say?

10. alone

there i was,
sat in the middle
of the empty floor,
smelling of alcohol,
clothes ruined,
completely forgotten.

all of those people
that trampled me
and tried to force me
to drink from them
just left me here
to find my way home
and try my best
to forget this night happened.

and to think
all of this
could’ve been avoided
if i hadn’t taken
that person’s hand
to dance.
instead, i’ll walk home,
not looking or smelling great,
thinking all about
all the people
that made me feel loved
but left all too quickly.

here i was,
thinking i was cared for,
but once the music ended
and the dancing stopped,
i realized that i was
just another statistic
to all of those people,
no one to remember,
just someone to use
and dispose of
all in one fell swoop.

i knew i should’ve stayed home.

9. carry

and wouldn’t you know it,
those people forcing me to drink?
smashed out of their minds.
falling all over me,
still trying to force
it into me,
one tried to kiss me,
i didn’t want that.

they screamed in my face,
it overpowered the music
“drink! dance! have fun!”
i just wanted to leave,
but these people
just wouldn’t let me,
they were unbuttoning my shirt,
grabbing my legs,
and wouldn’t you know
one of them poured their beer
onto my head?

as the final,
very intense song was playing,
i thought things would get bad,
i was lying on the floor,
drunk people all over me
messing up my clothes,
some trying to kiss,
everything turned to shit,

until the DJ stopped the track
and it was time to go home,
they left me on the floor
no longer caring,
and they didn’t say goodbye
as they carried each other out.

8. peer-pressure

but of course,
the same people
that begged me to dance
are begging me to drink.

i get offered alcohol
from almost every person
at this damn event,
people even try
to force it into my mouth,
but i won’t budge.

i want to get
out of this crowd
as soon as possible,
get away from all these
soon-to-be-drunk
raving lunatics
because no one will save me.
all those i’m close with,
including the one i loved,
have long since gone,
and all that is left
is these ones.

why did i not listen
to my better judgement
and avoid the dance floor
altogether?

7. drunk

alcohol lines
all of the tables,
tons of stuff
i’ve never even heard of.

everyone runs from the floor
over to the drinks.
no matter the reason,
almost everyone here
is excited to get
as smashed as possible.

well, except for me,
of course.
i don’t drink that stuff,
so i keep my distance
from that table.

i don’t wanna know
what’s happening there.

6. get out here

but i’m noticed.

for the first time
this entire night,
the world noticed
that i’m out on the floor,
and they pull me back
to get me to dance.

unaware that i’ve
just been ditched
by the one i danced with
and not really in the mood,
they pressure me.
they want me to
have fun and dance along
to some shitty 2000’s pop
when all i wanna do
is go home and
figure everything out.

they’re not about that,
“you’re not going home yet,
this is a party,
come out and have fun!”
i don’t want to kill the vibe,
but i don’t want to force myself
to do anything right now.

it only gets worse
when the drinks come out.

5. party's back

the upbeat party music
jumps back on,
all that romantic crap
is done and over with.
back to the endless turn-up.

i’m still puzzled
and looking for answers,
but it’s too loud,
everyone’s having
too much fun.

i just want to run
back to those
empty chairs
and forget everything…

4. gone

and then it ends.
that’s all there is.
one moment with each other,
and then it’s all gone.

when ed stops
plucking the guitar
and he sings his last words,
the magic is gone.
the beauty dies
about as soon as it starts.
the person i danced with
just walked away,
disappeared into the night,
never to be seen again.

i’m left confused,
puzzled and unsure,
who were they?
why me?
where are they going?
the questions swirl
in my head,
but they’ll never be answered.

3. atmosphere

we take hands
and move
to the floor.
i take a glance
at everyone else,
and just do as they do:
hands around my shoulders,
my hands around the waist,
and just move to the rhythm.

and it feels like
nothing i’ve ever experienced,
the rest of the world is gone,
my mind is on nothing else,
it’s just us two,
ed sheeran in the back,
it really was perfect.

it’s a moment where
i just forgot about
all the things
going on in the world,
the negativity subsided,
and all that was there
was this person and i
swaying to the music.

it’s pure bliss,
it’s beauty,
it’s art
in and of itself…

2. dance?

but just in the nick of time,
here she comes,
not the one i loved,
that’s never gonna happen,
but someone else.

without any warning,
a light smile,
the hand extends,
“do you wanna dance?”

fear consumes me,
what do i do?
we just met,
is this just a silly act
of kindness?
there’s no time to think that.

i accept.

1. detached

feeling detached
from the rest of the world,
gazing upon the floor
lined with hundreds
having a great time,
as i sit and watch,
two empty chairs beside me,
completely at odds
with what’s going on here.

the slow dance comes on,
everyone together,
staring into the eyes
of someone else,
and i watch the one i loved
dance with the one they love,
and wish it was me.
i look and see another
dancing with someone
they just met,
i wish i was that lucky.

instead i’m here,
waiting for this
horrid night to end,
and to run along
back to my house
with lies spread across my lips,
as my parents ask
how everything went,
and i just tell them
what i always say
about these things.

“it was fine.”

party time preface

after a very extended, much-needed break, this is my sixth full-length poetry album "party time." i took a break as a result of a lack of inspiration, but this is an idea i really love, because it's so much different from my other albums. where all of them are actually about me, this one is not, and it's instead just a story that continues on through the entire album. here's the "tracklist" for you guys:

1. detached

2. dance?

3. atmosphere

4. gone

5. party's back

6. get out here

7. drunk

8. peer-pressure

9. carry

10. alone

love now

all too often,
we hear that the ones we love
have been lost,
lost to themselves
and lost to the world.
the pain becomes a burden,
the fear possesses everything,
it’s beastly.

and those that leave
will never understand
just how loved they
really are,
and how much their loss
really impacts those
close bonds they forged.
it’s true,
we never know where
anyone will be
when we wake up tomorrow,
which is why love
is an important piece
of the puzzle.

remind those
that you love
how you feel today.
give them a hug,
a few kind words,
whatever you can
to show how much
the people in your life
mean to you.
there’s no telling
where the world
will take you
or anyone else
in the next 24 hours,
so spend these
current minutes
sharing in the love
and creating positive mindsets.
remind them that they’re valued,
that they influence you
and make you happy,
and think of
where you’d be
if they left the earth tomorrow.

don’t wait. love now.

handle with care

i’ve been lied to before.
yeah, i know,
we all have,
but the lies i’ve been told
have stuck with me more
than the truths.

there was the one time
where i thought i was valued,
but it was only
to keep me in
a place i didn’t want to be.
or when i was told
that we’d never lose contact,
only to be dropped in
a matter of weeks without
a sign of any wrongdoing.
or how about when
i was told i got an a-,
but you gave me a b instead?
might be petty to think about,
but i’ve still got the receipts.

yeah, i know,
that stuff still sticks,
and some of it’s not worth it,
but do you really enjoy
that fake shit in your face?
when i hand you my trust,
don’t betray it like that.
i don’t trust easily,
let that be known.
i always worry,
who’s next to backstab?

all that i ask
is you be patient
with me.
don’t fake anything,
and don’t put on a face.
take off the mask,
let the purge end,
and handle me with care.

i’ve been hurt
and lied to before,
but all i need are
my real friends,
because life
can be tough to handle
and hard to solve.
can we try
to figure it out
together?

DEATH

how does it feel
when you leave this world
and the ones that you love
no longer see you?
how will you know
how they really feel?

will you be able
to see their sadness?
you won’t be able
to hug them and tell them
everything is alright,
but what if you want
to know if they really care?
you always hear
others say
“you wouldn’t care
about me if i died,”
but how can we know?

we can’t hear anyone
cry out our name,
we can’t watch
their tears fall
from their face,
we can’t wrap our arms
around them one last time,
we can only watch
from wherever death
sends us.
there’s even a chance
we might not even watch,
because death sends us
to all different places.

i don’t want to leave
this beautiful earth,
the mere idea
greatly frightens me,
but i guess i’ll never find out
how everyone would feel
if i did.
would the world
turn a blind eye?
would it cry?
would it celebrate?
will i be loved even more
once i’m gone?
they say
all the great ones are,
but what about the ones
that are forgotten?

i don’t wanna be one of them.

FEAR

on the outside,
there’s life,
vibrance,
there’s energy
and fun,
there’s a lot of jokes,
a love for the world,
and an air of positivity.

but on the inside,
there’s a thunderous storm,
tornadoes brewing,
the ground shaking,
and everything
comes crashing down.
destruction at every corner,
fear at every district,
it’s all downhill from here.

no one really sees
what goes on inside,
because only one
knows the true experience,
but even though
it’s only theirs
and no one else’s,
that doesn’t mean
it doesn’t exist.

all they want
is to find some help,
brave the storm
and make it out,
but they’re scared,
it won’t just blow over.
it’s a constant struggle,
there’s no sunlight in there,
and they have to live
with the pain
that they face
on an everyday basis.

that’s fear.

3. my dear, part 2

it was only a year ago
that we reconnected.
it was magical.
little did i expect
your name to pop up
in my messages
on that fateful day.
it was a rough time for me,
but you singlehandedly
made it better.

and then we went
and celebrated the beautiful
things in life,
we made memories,
we enjoyed ourselves,
we had fun,
and slowly but surely,
i fell in love.
head-over-heels, in fact,
you were flawless,
i’d thought for a minute
that i’d actually found
someone i “liked.”
never had that before,
but just the thought of you
put a smile on my face.

which only made it harder
when we fast-forwarded to now
and i found that you moved on,
a completely different person,
one that i hardly knew,
and i could only hope
they love you as much
as i did, maybe more.
someone who is
just as deep in love
as i was.
someone who puts you
above all else,
and makes you their queen.

as i watch from afar,
i’m glad that you’re happy,
because your smiling face
is the most important thing,
but it still does hurt.
not gonna lie,
tears were shed,
and i don’t say that much,
but i remember how deep
in love i was with you,
and how all of that is gone.
it took 19 years for me
to fall into it,
will it take 19 more
to return to it?

i’m not sure,
but i know that you’ve played
such a huge part in my life,
and i hope we can move on
and remain in contact.
you’re still an incredible person,
and i’m more than happy for you.
and even though i’m young,
i don’t think i’ll love anyone
quite as much as i loved you

my dear.

2. change

weren’t we talking
about these shootings
5 months ago
on my first album?
why are we back?

why did we have
another set of losses,
this time at a school?!
one of the most safe places
in the entire world,
and poor, innocent students
had to say “i love you”
to their mommies and daddies
for the last time.
it’s disgusting,
what influences such
awful hate crimes?

and now here we are,
another one upon us.
2 more killed,
again at a school,
these students much older,
but just as undeserving
of death as their
younger ones.
a desire to gain
an education
should not lead to something
so heinous and abhorrent.

i want to live in a world
where this isn’t the norm,
where we don’t have to even CONSIDER
something as ridiculous as
giving guns to our teachers,
where we can work in harmony
to find a middle-ground,
so that the world can
be a safer place.
i want to live in a world
where we don’t have to feel scared
to get an education,
to worship the Lord,
to fall in love,
to enjoy the arts,
i want the world
to stop shooting.

i want change.

1. rapid fire

you’d think that with
two full-albums
in such a short span,
another would
take its time,
sizzle a little,
and not see release
for a while.

life inspires work,
and there’s always something
to write about,
but what about that break?
i did say i was taking one.
when am i taking one?
we’re just starting
the third month
of the calendar year,
and i’ve thrown 31 poems
out into the open, already?
am i going too fast?

are people gonna complain
that i write too much at once?
will too much of something
lead to less interest in it?
will even my closest friends
stop reading along with me?
could too many albums
kill the idea as a whole?
will i be left with nothing
in the end?

for as relaxing
and as beautiful
as it can be,
poetry is a horrifying,
dangerous beast,
easy to learn about
but hard to tame
and get along with.
does the beast rise up
when someone throws
too many poems at them?
is there a certain limit
to what one can accomplish
in such a short span?
will i somehow manage
to get along with
the vicious beast?

or will it kill me?

empty EP preface

(NOTE: even though blogger says that this was released in april, it was actually released in march.)

originally, after writing "all in the mind," i had my next full-length poetry album all mapped out. it was gonna be really dark and sad (not unusual for my poetry), however, the difference here is that it wasn't really gonna have a "resolve." it was gonna be me at my all-time low, just discussing my fears, my sadness, and my frustration. however, after a while, i decided that i wanted to switch up the concept and try something slightly different, which you will see when i release my next poetry album. still, i had already written three poems for this album that i didn't want to go to waste, so i decided to release them in the form of what is essentially an EP, so you guys can get a small glimpse at what the album would've been like. i'll also give very short, one-sentence explanations below on what each poem is:

1. rapid fire - a poem about the fact that i've released so much in such a short time.

2. change - a slightly more politically-minded poem.

3. my dear, part 2 - the sequel to the first free-verse poem i ever wrote.

10. the end

the end

9. headspace

hmm…
i wonder what i should
write about?
what’s next?
i want to write of something
i haven’t talked about
before now,
but i can’t think
of anything.

man, that last album
was huge,
i can’t figure out
what could possibly
come close to it.
what if i just go wild
and start typing words
backwards and shit?
i’m sure it would be
fun and all,
hopefully someone
would get a kick out of it.

gosh, typing in my room
this late is so weird.
i hear all these fucking sounds
and i don’t know
what’s going on.
didn’t we get rid
of all the mice
in the house?
it’s like they just
want to scare the
shit out of me
and work my paranoia!
i wrote poems about
those fuckers,
you’d think they’d
at least thank me
for writing about them!
nope, they just want to
make me all nervous
and freak me out
and make people think i’m…

oh, well how about that?
throw your thoughts
on a keyboard
and a poem appears!
whoa, that’s definitely
a pretty strange one.
i need to stop writing
and start sleeping.

i need a life…

8. recharge

ahh, that's better.

7. 2%

my phone is dying.
i’m not sure
how many words
i can put out
before time runs up,
the screen goes dark,
and i need to find
a way to bring
this mobile device
back to life.
i have to rush
to my ro

6. interlude

i’ve never had
an interlude before.

wonder what to do.

uhh, imagine a vibrant
piano melody
playing some high notes.

now throw in a
dreamy synth.

think about it for a minute…
and that’s it.

good job!

5. thinking

do you ever wonder
what people say
about you when
you’re not around?
if the words ring
positive or negative?
if they long for
your presence?
if they wish you
could be there
to share in the
good times?

yeah, me too.

i just farted.

4. this is a poem about life and death and the battles people go through on an everyday basis

wow, that's a long title.

3. strange places

i write these words
from my toilet.
an unconventional place, yes,
but sometimes the
best ideas come
in the strangest of ways.

like an elevator pitch,
only a minute to give
what could be your best idea
to someone
and make it a reality.
it’s all about
taking chances,
because even though
you may not, ah, wait!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,
i needed that.

2. deceit

remember when i said
i was taking a break
to see where
i wanted to go?

yeah, i lied.

sorry.

1. i'm back

i'm back

all in the mind preface

okay, so for some reason, my fifth album "all in the mind" got messed up in the order on my blogger page, so i'm gonna repost all the old poems in order. know that this was released in march, and it came after "i'm still me" and before the "empty EP."

1. i'm back

2. deceit

3. strange places

4. this is a poem about life and death and the battles people go through on a daily basis

5. thinking

6. interlude

7. 2%

8. recharge

9. headspace

10. the end