3. existential

another day

spent questioning

the same things,

just wanna be okay

but my brain

is in flames,

i’m running on fumes

because i can’t

stop focusing

on the thoughts

i don’t wanna have,

my thinking is obsessive

even when i’m trying

to rest it,

another bad spell,

except that this one’s

got my thoughts

feeling existential,

dread from a potential

quarter-life’s

got me feeling too reflective.

feels like

my life began

when i was 4,

wide-eyed in pre-school

and i didn’t even know

my own name,

like i blinked

and suddenly,

i’m alive,

what was life like

before that?

4.6 billion years

on the planet

but my memories

don’t last past 2002?

i just snapped awake

on that september day?

did i have a past life,

and if so,

why can’t i remember it?

the universe

is leaving me

with all these questions

but why can’t

nobody answer them?

i’m scared

of what’ll happen

when i die,

will everything

just fade black?

will i be forgotten?

everything could disappear

in an instant,

will all the hard work

be lost to time?

is it worth

even falling in love

when i know

they’ll leave this earth?

everybody faces

the same fate,

do people truly

reincarnate?

will i reawaken

under another name?

i know i’ll never

get the answers,

but that doesn’t mean

i’ll stop asking,

‘cause i’m too paranoid,

tryna lead

a satisfying life,

but happiness lasts

for only a fleeting time.

i’m terrified.

2. dependent

all that time

i spent talking

about growing up alone

is what i was

scared of the most,

i’m barely feeling

like i’m self-sufficient,

almost like i can’t

accomplish my missions

without supervision,

and no matter

how much i try

to convince myself

otherwise,

fear of abandonment

never subsides,

i feel like

i’m too much

to handle,

and i’m sorry

that i can’t

be better at it,

i’m really trying,

but i don’t want

to burden others

and allow my emotions

to smother.

it’s why i wanna tell

everyone i ever love

to run,

i’m scared to fall

because i’m too clingy,

i sabotage myself

whenever the feeling

starts to bubble up

because my mind

finds it hard to trust,

scars left unhealed

and i can’t resist

picking and making

the skin peel,

the existential dread’s

got me questioning

if i’m worthy of love,

something i want

to give plenty of,

but i’m scared,

so i keep the shields up,

i just want

one day

to have some comfort.

give me something

to make me forget,

all these obsessive

and intrusive thoughts

are planting the nest

inside of my mind,

i’m just tryna

lead a happy life,

one day,

i wanna feel

what it’s like

to be loved,

wanna have someone

i can take on

this life thing with,

it’s hard

to be individual,

especially when all

the pressure’s on,

i’m sorry i’m so dependent,

i just wish

for a minute,

i could get out

of my own head.

is that good?

1. just wanna dance

this year, i was depressed.

a mess of introspection

and existentialism,

reaching into a void

to break through the noise,

but i’m struggling

to make any myself,

will these words

ever ring out?

i feel like

i could scream

out of my lungs

and i’d still be

the quietest in the room,

feeling sensitive

to every word

being said,

25 but mentally,

i feel like i’m 10,

searching desperately

for some

character development

and a safe place

to rest my head.

am i giving up time

i could spend

with loved ones

just to write these words?

am i spending too much time

chasing social life

when i could be

working harder?

will i ever get out

of feeling like everything

is exploding around me?

will i ever feel like

i’m worth it to somebody?

what would anybody

even see in me

anyway?

will i ever gain

some independence

and stop letting

the DPD

control me?

my heart’s racing,

my brain’s chasing,

my thinking’s hazy,

i need a break.

fuck the fame,

i just wanna be stable,

i wanna see my people

reach their heights

and have their lives right,

i’m tired

of the industry lies

and all the worries

about the bottom line,

i’m tired of all the time

i spend crying

because i’m not alright,

i’m tired of feeling

like a failure,

thought my light

was meant to shine

but sometimes,

you burn out the brightest,

running out of ideas

in life

and in these words

that i write,

i just wanna calm

my mind,

relax and find

a good reason to…

“y’all don’t wanna hear me, you just wanna dance.”

the night shift EP preface

welcome back once again, one and all. i hope you’re making yourself comfortable, perhaps wrapping yourself in a warm blanket or in a hug from someone you love. today, i have prepared for you my ninth poetry EP, “the night shift EP.” i’ve never been afraid to get personal and admit some dark things here, and i feel like i should at this moment, as it will help contextualize the inspiration behind this project. i was a touch afraid to admit it, but as of late, i’ve been dealing with a quarter-life crisis and it’s caused a bout of depression that i’ve been battling with for the past week or so. rest assured, i am working on getting the help i need, but while i wait for that, i wanted to unleash my feelings in the way that i know best: writing. this is one of the hardest projects i’ve written and released, but i’m proud to have gotten these thoughts off my chest and been able to release them into the world. i hope these words can help comfort some who may be going through the same things in silence; i think we can all use some comfort sometimes:

1. just wanna dance

2. dependent

3. existential