toys

used to look back
and tell ourselves
that we’d never get
too old to play,
and we’d never ever
outgrow our toys.
they’d be with us
through it all,
no matter when
or where or how,
and think about it,
andy loved his toys
when he grew up,
we would too, right?

well, we didn’t stop
to think about how
the toys we love can
outgrow us, too.
we can have us
70 years with them,
pass them down to
our children, too,
but you often forget
they do say goodbye.

we say when we’re kids
that the toys are us,
and that we’ll never
grow up, just stay
with the toys we love.
but sometimes, you know,
the weirdest of goodbyes
can be the hardest.

saw it for the last time,
it hit pretty hard,
“stand behind the
yellow tape, please,
no more toys for you,
you can have shelves,
but the toys are out.”

“but why now?
the toys are us!”

“toys are us?
no, toys were us,
and toys are
no longer us.”

the childlike joy
crushed like that,
all the innocence
gone in a flash,
big business steps in,
breaks it all away,
and rips it right out.
i didn’t want to grow up,
none of us did, really,
but it’s time to admit
the unfortunate truth:

no more toys “r” us kids.

10. final talk

so…
have you been
feeling any better?

uhh,

a little.

it’s not as

it was when

we last talked.

ahh…
that’s a start.
progress is good.
may i ask,
what puts these
bad thoughts in
your head, hmm?

you.

hmm…
what was that?

you!

you do!

this is your

goddamn fault!

wha?…
i don’t know
what you mean!

it’s you!

every time i

try to be happy,

you start trying to

make me feel all bad!

like when you asked me

if my last album was fake?

you don’t want confident me?

do you think that you control me?

that you can make me feel like shit?

i…
i’m so sorry.
i wish i
could just not
give you that
kind of feeling,
but i’m scared.
i get worried
about things that
haven’t happened yet,
because i guess
i want perfect,
but bad outcomes
are so real.

i know.

i get what

you’re feeling.

but i want us to

work as best as we

can to stop that worry.

i know i can’t tell you to

just stop thinking about it,

but i want us to feel excited

about the things in the future,

and not worried about whether

we’ll even make it to that future.

hmm…
it’ll be tough,
i’ll probably always
have some worry,
but i’ll try
my best to
not let it
break you, okay?

thank you.

mhm…
let’s just chill.
with what i
put you through,
you deserve rest.

i appreciate it.

9. enemies

my enemies exist
on the inside.

no one sees them,
not even me.

they always want to
fuck everything up.

all the positive energy
right out the window.

they couldn’t give
a single shit, either.
they just want
to see me fail.
they want to
ruin my progress.
they want me to
feel so useless.
they want me to
question myself.
they want me to
never be happy.
never feel satisfied
with anything i do.
never feel like
i’m functional.
never enjoy any
of my work, ever.

now look what
they fucking did.

                i just want to
stop feeling bad.

is it really
that hard?

8. growing pains

never knew that

getting older would 

be this tough.

never knew that

i’d have to fear

everyone i love would

run away from me.

never knew that

my brain would say

that if someone just

stopped talking to me,

it was all my fault.

never knew that

doing what i loved

would be such

a rollercoaster.

never knew that

i’d go to sleep

when the sun

woke up, ‘cause

my thoughts were

destroying me.

never knew that

i’d be 130 pounds

but still feel bad

about how i look.

never knew that

people could be

such assholes

that break you

without a word,

and ruin your

bright, happy,

wide-eyed view

on the world.

never knew that

i’d be this scared.

7. 20

(to the tune of “happy birthday” by patty and mildred j. hill)

ha•ppy birth•day
to you,

ha•ppy birth•day
to you,

you’re a•noth•er
year ol•der,

ha•ppy birth•day
to you.



you’re twen•ty
years old,

you’re twen•ty
years old,

life’s hit•ting
you fast,

you’re twen•ty
years old.



you don’t have
a job,

you don’t have
a job,

you can’t
e•ven drive,

you don’t have
a job.



you’re la•zy
and sad,

you’re la•zy
and sad,

you think words
will help you?

you’re la•zy
and sad.

6. king's back?

oh…
you’re back, huh?
did our last
session help out?

no,

it did

very little.

hm…
well, why’s that?

i dunno.

i can’t really

push myself to

stop feeling a way.

it feels like it’s really

doing bad things to my

confidence, because i just

don’t feel great about myself.

hmm…
but didn’t you
write an album
that was confident?
what happened there?
why can’t you
channel what you
had that time?
can’t you just
light a fire
under your ass?

back then,

i guess i just

had that thing

where you’re up

and can’t explain it,

and now i’m just down

no matter how much i try?

mhm…
was it all
just a front?

what?

oh, hell no.

i wouldn’t lie

and say that i

felt confident if

i didn’t, obviously.

uh-huh…
and you can’t
get your mind
back to that
frame, can you?

nope.

i really

want to,

but it’s all

moving fast

and i just want

to relax, you know?

mhm…
i’m sorry you’re
not feeling like
you want to.
i wish there
was more that
i could do.
why don’t you
get some rest?
it is late,
sleep does help.

yeah,

you did

say to be

patient here,

maybe it’s just

time, sleep, and

positive thinking,

as cliché as it sounds.

mhm…
hold on, wait,
are you still
thinking about him?

we all are.

it’s pretty hard

not to at this point.

hmm…
i miss him.

i do, too.

5. waste

am i just
meant to be
some fucking

time-waster?

just a means
to an end,
a person to
waste time with
until you find

a replacement?

someone that can
do everything
that i did,

but even better?

someone who
has confidence,
someone who
goes outside,
someone who
isn’t just some
overthinking bitch
that gets sensitive
at every single word,
takes everything to heart,
hides his emotions
behind his writing,
actually speaks
the fuck up,
someone who
doesn’t have to
convince themselves
they’re a good friend
because it’s natural,
someone who…

fuck, i’m doing it again.

4. buddy

haven’t been the same
sinCe yOu left my life.
walking in the house,
nOt to be greeted by
your smiling face is
still not sitting right.
none of us have been
feeling alright about it,
and while i’ve tried to
Put on a confidEnt face,
it’s Really difficult.

what any of us here
would gIve to have
just a little More tIme
to hold and love you.
juSt one more day.
i know they SaY
nOt to cry bUt
holding in tearS
is becOMing harder
than yoU Could fatHom.

i’ve got to be strong.
you’d want Me to
smile like You did
through the Bad
and all the good,
but i wish that i
could go through
thosE bad and good
timeS wiTh you here.
i want you Back bUt
it just won’t happen.
i wish it woulD.

3. fantasy

everything around me
just feels so wrong.
the reality i live in
is grim and anxious.
i want to go over to

the fictional world,

where everything’s
happy and fun,
everyone gets along,
stress doesn’t exist,
we all have a home,
we all have love,
and life is easy

because it’s not real.

this reality feels
so unlike what
i want it to be.
i really do fear
that i won’t
have a home,
i’m stressed
at a time where
i shouldn’t be,
i can’t find love
because all the
ones that i like
are taken or gone,
never returning,
and my mind says
that i have no shot.

and i can’t live
like i would in
the other world,

because

it’s

all

just

fucking

fake.

2. conscience

so…
tell me what’s
on your mind?

a lot.

i mean,

i should be

feeling good,

but it just feels

like everything is

not as it should be.

hm…
well why’s that?

well,

it’s like,

my life is

starting to

move along

so damn fast

and, that’s not

how it usually is.

like, i’m so used to

taking it all slow and

living a quiet little life,

enjoying smaller things,

and having relaxing time.

now, i’m not even excited

that my birthday’s coming,

in about a month, mind you,

because it means i’m getting

to a point where i’m having to

get a job and a driver’s license

and make all my own decisions,

and i’m honestly not ready for it.

mhm…
and that stops
you from feeling
how you should?

yeah,

because

it’s summer,

i really want to

just be happy and

care-free but i can’t,

because i’m too busy

thinking all of this stuff.

i thought having free time

would help me feel relaxed,

especially after this wild year,

but all this time by myself just

made me start thinking and now,

i can’t stop myself no matter what.

hmm…
you’ve got quite
a dilemma now.
this might take
a little more
time to fix.
be patient now,
i’m sure you’ll
be just fine.

yeah, but

being patient

is the hard part.

1. test

testing, testing,

one two three,

can you hear me?

sorry, didn’t mean

to disturb you.

i just haven’t been

sleeping well lately,

everything around me

just feels like it’s

closing in quickly

and i feel like there’s

no room to breathe

on these long days.

the sun shines bright,

the children play outside,

the beaches are bustling,

but not in my world.

i just

feel

nothing.

no motivation

to do anything,

no excitement

for the future,

no positivity

in spite of all my

built-up enthusiasm.

i just start to wonder…

will this work itself out?

big kid preface

this is my ninth full-length poetry album, it's called "big kid." thematically, it's my most vulnerable one yet, but structurally, it's very different than a lot of stuff that i've put out. you'll see when you read it.

1. test

2. conscience

3. fantasy

4. buddy

5. waste

6. king's back?

7. 20

8. growing pains

9. enemies

10. final talk

10. good night!

good night!

9. appetizer

hey, you know
how i said
“let’s eat”
a bit ago?
well, uh,
that reminds me:
this whole album
is just an appetizer.
i have another
brand new album
coming very soon.
how soon, you ask?
meh, i dunno.

hey, that title
makes me hungry.
appetizers are good.
mozzarella sticks
and boneless wings,
maybe cheese fries,
they’re all good.
i shouldn’t be
writing this all
at 1:30 am,
when there’s no
way to get those
kinds of food.
and you shouldn’t
be reading this
at 1:30 am,
because there’s a
very small chance
i made you hungry.

i’m gonna go eat now.

8. whoa

that was weird.

don’t do it again.

7. tv

what if i made
my poems like
a tv show?
if they were like
stranger things,
would they be
scary yet charming?
if they were like
ed edd n eddy,
would they be
hilariously dumb?
or what if they
were like the sopranos
and they just ended
without any re

6. wait

that interlude
was longer than
any of the previous
poems on here.

this album
doesn’t even
make sense
anymore.

nothing does,
let’s eat!

5. pt. 2

picture a rainy night.

throw in a jazzy sax.

now picture yourself
sitting inside an
empty coffee shop,
on that rainy night,
listening to the
jazzy saxophone.

think about it
for a minute,
and boom,
you just made
an interlude!

it’s almost like
you wrote part
of this album
for me.

4. electric boogaloo

i really liked
my album
“all in the mind.”
that was fun
to write out.

so i wrote
a sequel!

you’re reading it now!!!

eeeeeeeeee!!!!!

3. what is this?

this isn’t a
sad album.
this isn’t a
confident album.

this is just
an album.

weeeeeeeeee

2. i have a question

what if i wrote out
an albums with some haikus?
wouldn’t that be fun?

1. hi, i'm matt

hi, i’m matt
and this is
my poetry.

yay!

electric boogaloo preface

this is the sequel to my album "all in the mind," hence the name "electric boogaloo."

1. hi, i'm matt

2. i have a question

3. what is this?

4. electric boogaloo

5. pt. 2

6. wait

7. tv

8. whoa

9. appetizer

10. good night!