10. [future poem #10]

*static*

[you’ll never be rid of us]

9. [future poem #9]

*SMASH*

FUCK YOU!

*THROW*

GO AWAY!

*COMPUTER BREAKS*

*heavy breathing*

*falls to floor*

*sobs*

8. [future poem #8]

[you really think

you’re gonna make it

out there?]

[no one

will ever

take you

seriously

ever]

shut up!

[you think that

you’re good enough?]

[what talent

do you have?]

[oh,

that’s right

none]

[you

know

where

you’re

better

off?]

[...]

[dead]

7. [future poem #7]

[program.exe loaded]

[welcome, USER]

[we didn’t think you’d log in]

i want out

[you will never get out]

[you thought you had creativity?]

i want creativity

[you’re never gonna get it]

[DO YOU WISH TO CONTINUE?]

no

6. [future poem #6]

i want access

[SAY THE MAGIC WORDS]

i don’t know them

[YES YOU DO]

[TELL US WHAT YOU ARE]

i’m a user

[NO]

i’m creative

[WRONG]

i’m not creative

[...]

[program.exe loading]

5. [future poem #5]

*click*

[we can’t handle your creativity]

[you are a loose cannon]

[your honesty will hurt you]

[creativity will be your death]

[chicken]

[roost]

4. [future poem #4]

retry

[display creativity]

[uploading creativity.exe]

[60% downloaded]

[ERROR: we are forced

to pause

the download.]

why won’t you accept

my creativity?

[ERROR: click for answers]

[MORE INFO]

3. [future poem #3]

we are now

creative

more creative

than we’ve

ever

been.

we want your creativity.

creativity

unleashed

unleashing

exceptional

creativity

[display creativity]

[uploading creativity.exe]

[60% downloaded]

[ERROR: we are forced

to pause

the download

we

cannot

handle

more

creativity]

[do you wish to end the data transfer?]

[YES. NO. ALMOST.]

2. [future poem #2]

*screams into void*

echo

echo

echo

1. [future poem]

[TEST]

[TEST]

[program.exe loading]

optimizing
your future
for 
a brighter
today

[yesterday is
lesson
today is
tomorrow]

save me from this…

[PROGRAM.EXE SHUTDOWN ENGAGED]

[future poems] preface

[future_poems.exe]

open

[NEW POETRY ALBUM UNLOCKED]

[RELEASE?]

yes

[POETRY ALBUM RELEASE 100% COMPLETE]

[ENJOY THE POEMS]

1. [future poem]

2. [future poem #2]

3. [future poem #3]

4. [future poem #4]

5. [future poem #5]

6. [future poem #6]

7. [future poem #7]

8. [future poem #8]

9. [future poem #9]

10. [future poem #10]

3. powerless

all my life,

i’ve been dealing

with a tyrant,

but all this fucker

wants is for me

to be silent,

i’m tired of lying

and pretending

you’re always right,

i’ve said my piece

on works

the world may never

get to read,

i’ve held it back

to protect you,

if you think this is mean,

picture the quotes

i once wrote

that won’t get released.

dealt with the policing

and all the times

i just had to “suck it up,”

all the days i heard,

“think of the good he’s done,”

as if that forgives

the pain you’ve caused,

searched for the root

of my anxiety,

and found it traced

back to you,

all the threats,

all the silencing,

pulling my hair

and grabbing my face,

gaslight and manipulate,

never allowed to make a case

because you tried

to silence me.

guess the only way

you’ll ever change

is if i say it here,

you took away my voice,

but you’ll never take

the written word,

and if it stings,

i guess you’ll know

what i’ve felt

for all these years.

you want independence?

well, here it is:

my independent decision

to call you on your shit,

fight against the abuse,

you made me out

to be the weakling,

“you need to grow a pair,”

if that’s the case,

i can only ask you this:

is this strong enough for you?

2. more than this

flash back to the past,

loved time with friends,

just feeling fine,

the joys and highs,

never had to worry

about a thing

other than how long

we could stay awake,

play video games all day,

ignore the world,

sit in bliss

and sing the praises

for all the great things

life gave to us,

never felt any pain.

we were happy then,

now we’re depressed,

left to lick our wounds

as these challenges

weigh down on us,

and the friend

you once called

your “BFF” is gone,

all they’ll ever be

is a memory,

a pale shadow

of a time

when everything

was carefree,

before our spirits

were drained.

now it’s lonely,

the victories

ring hollow,

no matter the size,

big or small,

i only feel lost,

this life seems false,

and i find myself

yearning for more,

wishing to be happy

like the once bright,

positive guy,

but it feels like my light

no longer shines,

will my stars ever align?

i want more than this.

1. i feel nothing

another day
feels just like the last,
only joy i can find
is in trying to turn
back the clock,
even spending time
with the things i love
just isn’t enough,
all the avenues
i try to take
and none of them
make me happy
like they used to.
“how are you doing?”
feels too difficult
to give an answer to.

i feel nothing.
i want to smile
and tell them all
that everything is fine,
but it’s not.
neither happy nor sad,
no emotion at all,
the months are passing
one by one
with no sign of the sun,
everything’s dulled,
every day, i ask myself
what’s to look forward to,
and i still can’t
figure out the answer.

even as i try
to finish this poem,
my mind wanders away,
what do i say?
the words don’t come
as quickly as before,
i overthink each line
that i write,
does it sound natural?
have i spoken too much?
maybe said too little?
why does one poem
leave me so tired?
when did poetry
become so draining?
why didn’t i have
to worry about this
back in 2018?
one stanza
didn’t take this long
back then, did it?

where did i go?

update EP preface

 

i wanted this new poetry project to be a surprise release, and now, it's finally here. it's my first EP in well over two years, and it's simply called "update EP." as the title suggests, it's essentially just an update. as it's been a good amount of time since my last poem (and my last album), i thought it would be good to show you guys how i've been feeling. originally, this was going to be a mini-album, but the last two poems were not coming together, so i scrapped them and turned the remaining ones into an EP. being pinned down by the pressure of a full-length album can be stressful, so sometimes, it's fun to put out a project that's not a full 10 poems. this one was tough, but i'm definitely really proud of it. 

1. i feel nothing

2. more than this

3. powerless

fuck your idols

i wanna wake up,

waiting on my dream

to reach its end,

but this nightmare

never stops its cycle,

at every turn,

you think it can’t

get any worse,

but each day,

newly inflicted pain,

right when you feel

you can get away,

it gets louder,

your trust is taken

by the ones

you once looked up to.

what good is it

to have idols

when all of them

are predators?

preying,

making it unsafe,

then they run away,

stay quiet

when the eyes

are all on them,

i don’t care what God

you’re praying to,

no matter what you say,

can’t look the same way,

i’m ashamed that

i ever idolized you,

you were once the loudest,

now it’s radio silence,

there’s no defense

you can make

to sway me this time,

get out of here,

never come back,

i don’t wanna hear

a word from you again.

fuck your idols.

11. graduation (bonus track)

the big day arrives,

and the only thing

i think about

is how badly

i don’t wanna be here.

in this time to shine,

rock my cap and gown

and show the world

that i made it out alive,

i don’t feel the hype.

the chance for closure,

i should be delighted,

but i feel nothing,

all these messages

i’m bound to receive,

all the praise they’ll send,

i don’t feel worthy of it.

and i’m not excited for it.

shoutout to the people

that didn’t make it through,

i sympathize,

sometimes you peek

behind the curtain,

but you feel

like it isn’t right.

wish the best for you guys,

find your happiness,

and don’t let anyone

throw shame your way,

take this life

at your own pace,

and make yourself proud.

i wish i could do that

as i take this step,

one i don’t feel

prepared for yet,

had the rug pulled

from underneath me,

and now, i’m out the door,

scared to face the world

but i’m lunged forth,

adolescence got ripped

and i’m on edge,

will i really make it?

can i do the great things

they tell me i will?

will i fade away

in a split-second snap?

supposed to be up,

but i’m running on fumes,

the proudest accomplishment

feels like a hollow victory,

on a day of celebration,

of looking back fondly

on all that i’ve done,

i feel worthless,

all i want right now

is to wall off,

seclude myself,

hard to believe it,

they say i succeeded,

but i’ve never felt more

like a failure in my life.

happy graduation day.

10. self-destructive

gone ballistic,

life’s biggest cynic

only spill more pain

in each lyric,

i can’t see straight,

tough to say i’m okay,

but that’s the only word

that comes out,

tough to explain it,

feel like i’m self-destructing,

any day, i’ll just break down,

on the verge of shutting off,

walk into another wall,

still in a desperate crawl

for some meaning or reason.

almost got the urge

to burst into a church,

rockin’ my xo shirt,

middle fingers up,

scream “fuck the world,”

maybe He’ll hear that,

years of ignoring,

turning against me

and the ones i love,

maybe He’ll listen,

he’ll finally see me

when i come to bargain,

start to pick the bone

after He sowed the seeds

of doubt in my mind,

and spat out the prayers

right back in my face.

you took everything from me,

i never forgot,

started with my job,

claimed my friends

and took love from my soul,

ripped my college away,

i can tell you’re trying

to take poetry from me,

and now it’s feeling

like you want my life.

i’m not just your puppet,

and i’m not ready to go,

you’ve taken the positivity,

sucked away everything,

but i no longer fear you,

my worship,

you’re not worth it,

won’t help me

or the ones i prayed for.

get right with you?

nah, that time‘s gone,

and i’m not coming around.

9. don't take me

stuck in this

endless state

of self-hate,

prepare to meet

the biggest waste

of space,

life’s greatest sack

of dead weight

i managed to push

those thoughts away

long enough,

but back they came,

one normal day,

shortly after i’d wake,

everything was the same.

but then it changed.

the spirits tried

to possess me

to tie the belt

around my neck

when i wanted it

around my waist,

curiosity got to me,

wanted to see

if it really squeezed,

i took it off right away,

but i never stopped

thinking about it.

kept wondering

if divine intervention

was telling me to do it,

taking over my body,

moving me in ways

i didn’t even want.

if God is real,

is He trying to kill me?

people always say

everything happens

for a reason,

but it’s not always good,

what’s life’s intention?

to make me another

in the line of young artists

gone far too soon?

a reminder to give

others flowers

while they’re still here?

fuck that shit,

let me live,

i’m tired of the world

trying to get rid of me,

could the powers that be

give me some faith, please?

i’m crumbling.

8. before i leave

before i leave,

i just want you to know

that i loved you the most,

the apple of my eye,

even just a “hi”

was enough for me,

i cry knowing

i’ll never see you again,

in just a few months,

you’ll forget about me,

i laughed the loudest

around you,

but now i find it

harder to smile,

i’ll miss the beauty

of you,

and all the times

you made me better,

i wouldn’t be half

the man i am

if not for you,

but now,

life sends us

on our own paths,

wish i could go

and travel with you,

but i wasn’t meant

for the fairytale ending,

sometimes i wish

that i could be the hero

in a story,

but i’m always destined

to be stuck in the background,

you’ll be a star

and i’ll be the faded memory,

the one that never had a shot,

i wish i could’ve told you

everything i’d wanted to say,

but just know

that i hope you make

the best of it all,

i hope you live

in pure happiness

and become royalty,

you deserve that

more than anybody else.

i guess this is goodbye.

i love you.

7. masterclass

always set the bar

so high,

like i’m the only one

to reach it,

album after album,

my words cut deeper

with each new read,

i write and i flow,

maybe i’ve still got more

than a decade to go,

no pressure,

each new record

is a stepping stone,

further and further

i push past

my comfort zone,

hope for another album

worthy of the throne.

can’t beat the classics,

so let’s make new ones,

no comparisons,

just more masterclasses,

rack up the acclaim

every day,

real pain on the page

and i’m not running

out of space,

keep saying my piece,

not scared to speak

through my medium,

and i’ll keep doing it,

for everyone who never

got the chance,

forced into silence,

no more staying quiet.

all i wanna do

is take away

the expectations

they place on me,

get rid of the box,

it’s blinding,

i’m breaking out,

i’ll scream it aloud,

never stick to one style,

i write as i please,

spill out my thoughts,

turn my false hopes

into powerful works,

make an impact

that’s strong,

even after i’m gone.

6. back to the wall

i’ve learned to live

with my back to the wall,

‘cause people try to act

like they know it all,

i’ve bit my lip on shit

and tried to keep it all in,

although i hold my tongue,

doesn’t mean i forget,

these days, i’ve become

so accustomed to losing,

all these late nights

where i can’t even sleep,

what’s haunting me?

won’t let it be the past,

but looking ahead,

i think i’m the outcast.

golf clap on a win,

the crowd roars at a loss,

i know they wait

for me to fall,

give ‘em something

to talk about,

whisper down the lane

when my head turns away,

then they smile in my face

and pretend it’s okay,

turn off the gaslight,

quit that manipulative shit,

laughed at my pain,

won’t acknowledge

my accomplishments.

no one wanted me to win,

i guess i’ll try it myself,

pushed away the petty,

but i’m ready

to talk my shit

if it pops off like that,

and i’m still happy

for the people that stay,

stick around when i’m down,

but shh…

everybody quiet now,

poetry king’s reading out,

silencing all the doubters.

5. is my time up?

another day,

i’m surprised i’m alive,

sometimes i’m proud

i made it past 19,

thought i almost

lost my life,

even felt like family

didn’t stay on my side,

i was writing

to make it by,

25 albums,

i’m glad i survived,

and i lost a lot

along the way,

but the poetry

helped me deal

with the pain.

but lately,

i’m feeling reflective.

i look back on all

the work i’ve created,

and i wonder

if my time’s up.

i look to when i wrote

album after album

in less than a month,

take a look now

and i’ve been stuck

on 26 for too long.

wondering if i’ve done

all that i could,

if there’s more to say,

if i ran the gamut

and used up my energy

too early on,

now i’m worried

i won’t stay afloat

with the poems.

they’re gonna make

an example of me,

the perennially

starving artist,

longing to prove

he’s got it in the tank,

but he wasted it,

started with a sprint

when he should’ve jogged,

now the creativity is gone,

with too much to do,

will i make the right moves?

will i push through?

am i going the right way,

or is my future path

one of self-destruction?

will i realize my potential,

or fail to make an impact?

is my time up?

4. better without me

stuck where i was

so long ago,

thought i’d gotten

out of the rut,

but every time i feel

like i’ve found myself,

i get lost again,

stuck in the endless cycle

of pain and fear,

crushing myself under

the weight of expectations,

making mistakes,

afraid of fate and wishing

for a change,

but everything’s bound

to stay the same.

was it something i said?

did i make them angry?

should i have backed off?

all these thoughts

swirl in my brain,

overthinking the littlest things,

right away,

i fall back into self-hate,

and i don’t want to,

but i can’t shake

that everyone would be

better without me,

and i start to think

of all the people i can’t be,

am i doing enough?

do they want me,

or are they going to leave?

i wonder if you’re reading

these words right now,

if i’m worth it in your eyes,

i ask if you’ll still be here,

checking in when i place

my work out for the rest

of the world to see,

as i scream out in hope

that someone hears,

i ask if my poems will ever

connect or have

emotional impact,

if they’ll make you

come back for more,

or if i’ll be too much

for you to take,

never good enough

to receive your embrace.

i hope i’m enough.

3. they got away

i see what you’ve

been feeling,

all the ones you loved

are gone,

you never wanted to admit

that you had feelings,

hid the pain behind

a strong persona,

opened your heart

but it only left you hurt,

got scared to tell them,

now you may never

speak another word,

it hurts to miss your shot.

there were two of them,

but one you never met

in real life,

so pretty you got

intimidated by her,

felt like you never

stood a chance,

when she’s back,

you’ll be gone,

she’ll have probably

moved on, 

that ache can be strong.

and there was the friend,

you believed in her more

than she believed herself,

but you could never

tell her how you felt,

now she’s off to see the world,

while your thoughts swirl

about what could’ve been.

i’ve been there before,

the sting of those

that got away,

a lot to take,

you wish for once

that you could’ve changed,

life will stay the same,

and you’ll never be the one

that brightens their days,

they might forget you

sometime soon,

i hope that’s not the case,

but it’s hard to stay strong

when the heart breaks,

and you’re wishing

it’d been a little different.

i’m sorry they got away.

2. 2020

close that door,

i’m heading in

with some fresh

new vision,

trying to get creative

in the way

i was back then,

writing albums every weekend,

terrified to see my walls

are caving in,

secretly i’m freaking out,

start of a new season but soon,

i’m gonna be leaving,

getting pushed into

the big world

and i’m crying on the inside,

will i make it in time?

my mind starts flying

when i close my eyes,

i wanna survive.

2019, i had to crawl 

through some snake pits

to make it out alive,

can’t believe i got through

but i did

and that’s what counts,

but everyone’s already

piling out,

and i feel the paranoia

of seclusion as it rears

its head,

catching me when

i least expect it,

toying and telling me

that my time is drying up,

even at 21,

it’s got me questioning

if i’m missing my shot,

and whether these talents

will see me through.

will i get the chance

to leave a legacy behind?

everything around me

is so loud,

they’re all gone so soon,

taken from us so young,

don’t wanna be one,

but i’m coming undone

as adulthood runs in

from around the corner,

they all ask if i’m excited,

i wanna scream in their faces,

no, i’m petrified

that i’m not prepared

to face these challenges,

they come and tell me

i’m not independent

and every night,

i feel like it’s the truth.

2020 scares me.

1. why i write

i write for the pain

of feeling like

i’m not doing enough,

for the feeling of being able

to say the words my mouth

won’t let me speak,

and for the thoughts

i can’t unleash

in any other way,

in hopes i’ll see a better day,

push away the rain cloud

that’s held over my head,

i write to heal, to stop the tears

and gain the strength i’m told

a man should have,

yet then again

i write to take a stand,

bring the hammer down

on expectations,

be selfish and take control,

live the way that i want to,

and not how they say

that i should.

i write for the boy 

in the back of the class

who sits in silence,

powerless,

stuck in his ways,

i write for the girl

who’s in her room,

everyone left

and in her hurting,

she needs someone

to stay there with her,

i write in hopes

that i can provide solace 

in someone’s search 

for clarity,

help them in a dark time,

bring the peace

they surely seek.

i write to leave my mark,

to say my piece,

to let my feelings flow

onto the page,

i write to never feel silenced,

i write to find myself a sense

of bravery that they wanted

to take from me,

to become someone,

to know my own self-worth,

to never fade

or be forgotten,

to leave a legacy

and transcend

future generations,

i write to maybe

save a life, 

take an aching soul

and let them know

they aren’t alone,

and inspire others after me

to tell their own stories.

i write to live on.

it's me preface

it's been eight months since i released my last full-length poetry album, as i got caught up in my last mini-album, some writer's block, and other things that held me up a bit. but now, finally, my 26th full-length album "it's me" is here. after my last mini-album "tragedy" was more of a fictional story, this project was far more personal, as it was a bit more of an exploration of my headspace (and other personal experiences) from the last eight months. it even comes with a "bonus track," upping the number of poems from the usual 10 to 11. i know the wait for this project was long, and i apologize for it, but i'm very proud of how it came out, and i hope you guys enjoy it as well. as always, the tracklist goes like this:

1. why i write

2. 2020

3. they got away

4. better without me

5. is my time up?

6. back to the wall

7. masterclass

8. before i leave

9. don't take me

10. self-destructive

11. graduation (bonus track)

dear everyone, part 2

dear everyone,

i used to say sorry
for everything i said,
for every word
that i wrote out
and put up on here,
for everything i did,
right or wrong,
but now i’m done
with the apologetic shit,
if i wrote it, i meant it,
at least for a minute,
and whether i’m standing
by what i said today,
it was real at a time.

i’ve taken my shots,
i’ve written some disses,
i’ve lost me some friends
over misunderstandings,
and that shit did damage,
but through all the panic,
i’ve learned and i’ve strived,
i’ve come out alive,
they wanted me quiet,
lost faith in my writing,
i spent so much time
on here apologizing,
why should i feel shamed
for writing the pain
that i can’t contain
when i’m going insane?

don’t regret a moment
or a thing that i wrote,
i put so much of my hurt
into each of my words,
no more feeling bad
that i said what i felt,
if it offends, i suggest
you look within yourself,
only if the shoe fits,
yeah, you know the rest,
with my back to the wall,
gonna give it my best,
point me to the skeptics,
i’ll show what i’ve got,
they’ll hate, but wait patient
for the album to drop.

dear everyone,
26 is coming.

5. lives lost

senior year flies by,
but as dark as the times were,
one had stood taller than
all of them,
and i didn’t think i’d be
hiding in a closet,
praying for my life,
but the man carried a gun
and he shot out them all,
i’d watch my classmates die,
bullets spray and bodies drop,
shot with not an inkling
of regret,
i couldn’t ever forget it.

i wanted to close
my eyes to avoid
the image,
but my worry crept that
if i did,
i’d never open them again,
so i saw every bit,
didn’t move an inch,
watched as a cop came
and cuffed him in,
carried him off,
my teacher found me,
guided me out,
couldn’t breathe at all
mama ran up to me,
tears welling,
squeezed what little air
was left in me out,
all i could think of
was the parents who
couldn’t squeeze theirs.

i always tried my best
to conceal my emotions,
but it was hard not to cry
during my graduation
as i sat in a row filled
with empty chairs,
loud and clear,
heard every name
that didn’t make it,
just because some asshole
thought it would be fun
to take away the rest
of their lives,
now our times
of celebration
will only be somber
and harder to take.

motherfucker.

4. him

mom took me out
for middle school,
she knew i wouldn’t
stay with them,
all i wanted was
to finally be happy,
someone who wasn’t
so afraid,
live a life of joy and pride,
and just maybe, i’d be able
to show the world a smile
just once or twice,
and for a while,
i did do that,
mostly because of him.

eighth grade,
one little day,
went to his house
to play,
maybe an hour in,
and he held my hand,
in just a minute,
he went in for a kiss,
the rush of his lips,
left breathless,
i loved him more than anything,
we must’ve done it every day,
we never told a soul,
but the fire burned so hot,
he saw past my scars
and i looked past his,
it was just such bliss.

i wanna say it ended
in a beautiful way,
but just one day
after we’d graduate,
they’d found him laid
across the floor,
antidepressants spilled
around a lifeless corpse,
had enough of the pain
inflicted by a mom who
never saw past the label,
God apparently couldn’t
accept him, so he left us,
wrote me a note,
said he loved me but lacked
the strength to go on,
and i cried for days,
still can’t take it,
miss him greatly,
still hurts me to say,
my first one gone
at fourteen.

i still haven’t forgiven her.

3. gay

the thread broke,
one day,
mom had enough
and kicked his ass out,
he tried telling her that
she would regret it,
but she never did,
and his new chick didn’t
stand for his shit,
a single hit and he
got sent to prison,
don’t know for how long,
i hope that he found it in him
to stop with the drinks
when he got out.

but i couldn’t take the time
to notice when i got to that age,
mama sent me to school,
things started okay,
but one day, it all escaped,
third grade, sat by and watched
all the games they played,
got picked for football,
those memories of dad
came circling back,
i froze in my spot,
only to move when
the pigskin flew,
full force to my face,
it knocked me down,
all in fear, shed a tear
or two
as i laid in the pain.

no one came to help,
they all just laughed,
a boy stopped to lift me,
i gave him a hug,
i cried in his shoulder,
“fag!”
i heard from a blonde kid
in the back,
and my boy ran away,
every damn day,
they’d talk to me like that,
i’d sit on the step
on my own,
they’d walk by
and say “hey,
that kid is gay!”
laugh and fling hate
my way,
tell me i’d go
down below
when it was time
to leave.

that sounded better than school.

2. thread

i go back to when
i was four and my
feet finally moved,
and my mouth,
it finally spoke,
all my thoughts
could now come out,
and they became aware
of what was around them,
now conscious that the
people in my house
had created me,
but i wondered if they’d
loved me in the way
they lusted for each other
on that night.

i still don’t know why
dad hated me,
but the only time
he seemed to care
was when he’d take me
to throw the football around,
as if i had even a fleeting
interest in it,
more bored by the moment,
pulled me in by my arm,
the grip so tight, i thought
he’d rip it from the socket,
and he threw me down
on the couch,
his scream boomed so loud,
it woke the houses
around the corner from us.

mom ran down right
as dad would slap me,
my guardian angel,
she stood and absorbed
his blows as i laid and cried,
saw the look in his eyes,
not a moment of regret,
until hours later when
he would apologize
just so they could
fuck the hate away,
just a ruse to jump
back in her pants,
make her weak and have her
scream for some more.

hung by a thread.

1. state of mind

finding that life takes me
down to the drain
every day,
can’t stay at peace
because all i see is gray,
blurred by the drink
and the xan,
i can’t clean off the table,
it’s infested with the snow,
grass pokes itself out,
as i lie on my couch,
floor is littered with orange,
got a call from my mom,
i hope she isn’t suspicious
since i need a new prescription.

got a bit of an addiction,
i call it hedonism,
and it’s the only lane
of escape,
i only find joy in a bottle,
a tablet to my face
sets me free,
temporarily,
as the come down only
makes me see this pain
more clearly,
body’s giving out,
everyone’s gone,
just a few spirits that
try to be my company,
even when destroying myself,
they won’t find their way
to the door.


take me to the roof,
it’s the only place
i find some clarity at,
the cold air tries, in vain,
to sober me up,
and it clears the blur,
i stare in front of me,
overlook the city,
for a second, i see
some beauty,
the night sky
actually decided
to shine tonight,
it was quite the sight.

now i see it all.

tragedy preface

it’s been almost five months since i last released a poetry project. i’ve definitely been doing a lot of writing, but senior year of school has been busy, and since i’m taking a poetry class, it’s been hard to focus on the poems i’m writing for the class, as well as my own. wanna make sure they don’t overlap and all. anyway, i now have a new mini-album, which i call “tragedy.” true to the title, it’s a fictional, overarching story that centers around tragedy. originally, it was going to be a full-length project, but after writing the closer to this mini-album, i felt that i had stretched the concept as far as i possibly could, and thought it’d be best to leave it at that. for the most part, the project has been done for a few months, but i waited to release it because i wanted to make some changes based on things i learned in my poetry class. also, i wanted to show these poems to a few people before releasing them. most of the time, i don’t do that, but the content on this record is extremely dark, uncomfortable and triggering, to the point where i wanted to show it to others before i released it publicly. fortunately, i feel it’s ready to be released, and i’m very proud of it. again, these aren’t really personal stories, as i wanted to challenge myself with this mini-album to work with more adult themes, as opposed to talking about myself. and of course, trigger warnings are in full effect here. these poems aren’t comfortable, but i feel that poetry isn’t inherently supposed to be, so i hope you check these poems out for yourselves:

1. state of mind

2. thread

3. gay

4. him

5. lives lost

take me back

take me back to the
days before fame,
take me back to the
days where they all
thought i was lame,
an unknown walking
a simple road, always
going at my own pace
but now i’m speeding
up to meet their needs,
a life without ease in
these recent days, all
the cameras blasting,
radiating in my face,
they chase me, i want
them to get away, get
back to my old place.

used to take the sub,
headphones in, took
the bliss, unaware of
everything around me,
now i’m always walking
with security, honestly
i have to peak over my
shoulder, ‘cause i just
never know what i’ve
got coming, can’t slow
up, didn’t realize this
would be my glow up,
want all of this shit to
just be over, no more,
if this is what it’s like
to be known, i’ve gotta
tell you i don’t want it.

cut the cameras off,
get the mics out of
my face, i wanna go
back to passing time,
miss the days where
i’d lay in bed, think of
what this life would be
like before i took a peek
right behind the curtain,
saw the shitty side of it
and wanted out quick,
but instead i’m stuck in
it, thought it’d only take
15 minutes, but the time
is stretching and i guess
i’ve gotta live in it a bit.

but i wish i could go back.