11. graduation (bonus track)

the big day arrives,

and the only thing

i think about

is how badly

i don’t wanna be here.

in this time to shine,

rock my cap and gown

and show the world

that i made it out alive,

i don’t feel the hype.

the chance for closure,

i should be delighted,

but i feel nothing,

all these messages

i’m bound to receive,

all the praise they’ll send,

i don’t feel worthy of it.

and i’m not excited for it.

shoutout to the people

that didn’t make it through,

i sympathize,

sometimes you peek

behind the curtain,

but you feel

like it isn’t right.

wish the best for you guys,

find your happiness,

and don’t let anyone

throw shame your way,

take this life

at your own pace,

and make yourself proud.

i wish i could do that

as i take this step,

one i don’t feel

prepared for yet,

had the rug pulled

from underneath me,

and now, i’m out the door,

scared to face the world

but i’m lunged forth,

adolescence got ripped

and i’m on edge,

will i really make it?

can i do the great things

they tell me i will?

will i fade away

in a split-second snap?

supposed to be up,

but i’m running on fumes,

the proudest accomplishment

feels like a hollow victory,

on a day of celebration,

of looking back fondly

on all that i’ve done,

i feel worthless,

all i want right now

is to wall off,

seclude myself,

hard to believe it,

they say i succeeded,

but i’ve never felt more

like a failure in my life.

happy graduation day.

10. self-destructive

gone ballistic,

life’s biggest cynic

only spill more pain

in each lyric,

i can’t see straight,

tough to say i’m okay,

but that’s the only word

that comes out,

tough to explain it,

feel like i’m self-destructing,

any day, i’ll just break down,

on the verge of shutting off,

walk into another wall,

still in a desperate crawl

for some meaning or reason.

almost got the urge

to burst into a church,

rockin’ my xo shirt,

middle fingers up,

scream “fuck the world,”

maybe He’ll hear that,

years of ignoring,

turning against me

and the ones i love,

maybe He’ll listen,

he’ll finally see me

when i come to bargain,

start to pick the bone

after He sowed the seeds

of doubt in my mind,

and spat out the prayers

right back in my face.

you took everything from me,

i never forgot,

started with my job,

claimed my friends

and took love from my soul,

ripped my college away,

i can tell you’re trying

to take poetry from me,

and now it’s feeling

like you want my life.

i’m not just your puppet,

and i’m not ready to go,

you’ve taken the positivity,

sucked away everything,

but i no longer fear you,

my worship,

you’re not worth it,

won’t help me

or the ones i prayed for.

get right with you?

nah, that time‘s gone,

and i’m not coming around.

9. don't take me

stuck in this

endless state

of self-hate,

prepare to meet

the biggest waste

of space,

life’s greatest sack

of dead weight

i managed to push

those thoughts away

long enough,

but back they came,

one normal day,

shortly after i’d wake,

everything was the same.

but then it changed.

the spirits tried

to possess me

to tie the belt

around my neck

when i wanted it

around my waist,

curiosity got to me,

wanted to see

if it really squeezed,

i took it off right away,

but i never stopped

thinking about it.

kept wondering

if divine intervention

was telling me to do it,

taking over my body,

moving me in ways

i didn’t even want.

if God is real,

is He trying to kill me?

people always say

everything happens

for a reason,

but it’s not always good,

what’s life’s intention?

to make me another

in the line of young artists

gone far too soon?

a reminder to give

others flowers

while they’re still here?

fuck that shit,

let me live,

i’m tired of the world

trying to get rid of me,

could the powers that be

give me some faith, please?

i’m crumbling.

8. before i leave

before i leave,

i just want you to know

that i loved you the most,

the apple of my eye,

even just a “hi”

was enough for me,

i cry knowing

i’ll never see you again,

in just a few months,

you’ll forget about me,

i laughed the loudest

around you,

but now i find it

harder to smile,

i’ll miss the beauty

of you,

and all the times

you made me better,

i wouldn’t be half

the man i am

if not for you,

but now,

life sends us

on our own paths,

wish i could go

and travel with you,

but i wasn’t meant

for the fairytale ending,

sometimes i wish

that i could be the hero

in a story,

but i’m always destined

to be stuck in the background,

you’ll be a star

and i’ll be the faded memory,

the one that never had a shot,

i wish i could’ve told you

everything i’d wanted to say,

but just know

that i hope you make

the best of it all,

i hope you live

in pure happiness

and become royalty,

you deserve that

more than anybody else.

i guess this is goodbye.

i love you.

7. masterclass

always set the bar

so high,

like i’m the only one

to reach it,

album after album,

my words cut deeper

with each new read,

i write and i flow,

maybe i’ve still got more

than a decade to go,

no pressure,

each new record

is a stepping stone,

further and further

i push past

my comfort zone,

hope for another album

worthy of the throne.

can’t beat the classics,

so let’s make new ones,

no comparisons,

just more masterclasses,

rack up the acclaim

every day,

real pain on the page

and i’m not running

out of space,

keep saying my piece,

not scared to speak

through my medium,

and i’ll keep doing it,

for everyone who never

got the chance,

forced into silence,

no more staying quiet.

all i wanna do

is take away

the expectations

they place on me,

get rid of the box,

it’s blinding,

i’m breaking out,

i’ll scream it aloud,

never stick to one style,

i write as i please,

spill out my thoughts,

turn my false hopes

into powerful works,

make an impact

that’s strong,

even after i’m gone.

6. back to the wall

i’ve learned to live

with my back to the wall,

‘cause people try to act

like they know it all,

i’ve bit my lip on shit

and tried to keep it all in,

although i hold my tongue,

doesn’t mean i forget,

these days, i’ve become

so accustomed to losing,

all these late nights

where i can’t even sleep,

what’s haunting me?

won’t let it be the past,

but looking ahead,

i think i’m the outcast.

golf clap on a win,

the crowd roars at a loss,

i know they wait

for me to fall,

give ‘em something

to talk about,

whisper down the lane

when my head turns away,

then they smile in my face

and pretend it’s okay,

turn off the gaslight,

quit that manipulative shit,

laughed at my pain,

won’t acknowledge

my accomplishments.

no one wanted me to win,

i guess i’ll try it myself,

pushed away the petty,

but i’m ready

to talk my shit

if it pops off like that,

and i’m still happy

for the people that stay,

stick around when i’m down,

but shh…

everybody quiet now,

poetry king’s reading out,

silencing all the doubters.

5. is my time up?

another day,

i’m surprised i’m alive,

sometimes i’m proud

i made it past 19,

thought i almost

lost my life,

even felt like family

didn’t stay on my side,

i was writing

to make it by,

25 albums,

i’m glad i survived,

and i lost a lot

along the way,

but the poetry

helped me deal

with the pain.

but lately,

i’m feeling reflective.

i look back on all

the work i’ve created,

and i wonder

if my time’s up.

i look to when i wrote

album after album

in less than a month,

take a look now

and i’ve been stuck

on 26 for too long.

wondering if i’ve done

all that i could,

if there’s more to say,

if i ran the gamut

and used up my energy

too early on,

now i’m worried

i won’t stay afloat

with the poems.

they’re gonna make

an example of me,

the perennially

starving artist,

longing to prove

he’s got it in the tank,

but he wasted it,

started with a sprint

when he should’ve jogged,

now the creativity is gone,

with too much to do,

will i make the right moves?

will i push through?

am i going the right way,

or is my future path

one of self-destruction?

will i realize my potential,

or fail to make an impact?

is my time up?

4. better without me

stuck where i was

so long ago,

thought i’d gotten

out of the rut,

but every time i feel

like i’ve found myself,

i get lost again,

stuck in the endless cycle

of pain and fear,

crushing myself under

the weight of expectations,

making mistakes,

afraid of fate and wishing

for a change,

but everything’s bound

to stay the same.

was it something i said?

did i make them angry?

should i have backed off?

all these thoughts

swirl in my brain,

overthinking the littlest things,

right away,

i fall back into self-hate,

and i don’t want to,

but i can’t shake

that everyone would be

better without me,

and i start to think

of all the people i can’t be,

am i doing enough?

do they want me,

or are they going to leave?

i wonder if you’re reading

these words right now,

if i’m worth it in your eyes,

i ask if you’ll still be here,

checking in when i place

my work out for the rest

of the world to see,

as i scream out in hope

that someone hears,

i ask if my poems will ever

connect or have

emotional impact,

if they’ll make you

come back for more,

or if i’ll be too much

for you to take,

never good enough

to receive your embrace.

i hope i’m enough.

3. they got away

i see what you’ve

been feeling,

all the ones you loved

are gone,

you never wanted to admit

that you had feelings,

hid the pain behind

a strong persona,

opened your heart

but it only left you hurt,

got scared to tell them,

now you may never

speak another word,

it hurts to miss your shot.

there were two of them,

but one you never met

in real life,

so pretty you got

intimidated by her,

felt like you never

stood a chance,

when she’s back,

you’ll be gone,

she’ll have probably

moved on, 

that ache can be strong.

and there was the friend,

you believed in her more

than she believed herself,

but you could never

tell her how you felt,

now she’s off to see the world,

while your thoughts swirl

about what could’ve been.

i’ve been there before,

the sting of those

that got away,

a lot to take,

you wish for once

that you could’ve changed,

life will stay the same,

and you’ll never be the one

that brightens their days,

they might forget you

sometime soon,

i hope that’s not the case,

but it’s hard to stay strong

when the heart breaks,

and you’re wishing

it’d been a little different.

i’m sorry they got away.

2. 2020

close that door,

i’m heading in

with some fresh

new vision,

trying to get creative

in the way

i was back then,

writing albums every weekend,

terrified to see my walls

are caving in,

secretly i’m freaking out,

start of a new season but soon,

i’m gonna be leaving,

getting pushed into

the big world

and i’m crying on the inside,

will i make it in time?

my mind starts flying

when i close my eyes,

i wanna survive.

2019, i had to crawl 

through some snake pits

to make it out alive,

can’t believe i got through

but i did

and that’s what counts,

but everyone’s already

piling out,

and i feel the paranoia

of seclusion as it rears

its head,

catching me when

i least expect it,

toying and telling me

that my time is drying up,

even at 21,

it’s got me questioning

if i’m missing my shot,

and whether these talents

will see me through.

will i get the chance

to leave a legacy behind?

everything around me

is so loud,

they’re all gone so soon,

taken from us so young,

don’t wanna be one,

but i’m coming undone

as adulthood runs in

from around the corner,

they all ask if i’m excited,

i wanna scream in their faces,

no, i’m petrified

that i’m not prepared

to face these challenges,

they come and tell me

i’m not independent

and every night,

i feel like it’s the truth.

2020 scares me.

1. why i write

i write for the pain

of feeling like

i’m not doing enough,

for the feeling of being able

to say the words my mouth

won’t let me speak,

and for the thoughts

i can’t unleash

in any other way,

in hopes i’ll see a better day,

push away the rain cloud

that’s held over my head,

i write to heal, to stop the tears

and gain the strength i’m told

a man should have,

yet then again

i write to take a stand,

bring the hammer down

on expectations,

be selfish and take control,

live the way that i want to,

and not how they say

that i should.

i write for the boy 

in the back of the class

who sits in silence,

powerless,

stuck in his ways,

i write for the girl

who’s in her room,

everyone left

and in her hurting,

she needs someone

to stay there with her,

i write in hopes

that i can provide solace 

in someone’s search 

for clarity,

help them in a dark time,

bring the peace

they surely seek.

i write to leave my mark,

to say my piece,

to let my feelings flow

onto the page,

i write to never feel silenced,

i write to find myself a sense

of bravery that they wanted

to take from me,

to become someone,

to know my own self-worth,

to never fade

or be forgotten,

to leave a legacy

and transcend

future generations,

i write to maybe

save a life, 

take an aching soul

and let them know

they aren’t alone,

and inspire others after me

to tell their own stories.

i write to live on.

it's me preface

it's been eight months since i released my last full-length poetry album, as i got caught up in my last mini-album, some writer's block, and other things that held me up a bit. but now, finally, my 26th full-length album "it's me" is here. after my last mini-album "tragedy" was more of a fictional story, this project was far more personal, as it was a bit more of an exploration of my headspace (and other personal experiences) from the last eight months. it even comes with a "bonus track," upping the number of poems from the usual 10 to 11. i know the wait for this project was long, and i apologize for it, but i'm very proud of how it came out, and i hope you guys enjoy it as well. as always, the tracklist goes like this:

1. why i write

2. 2020

3. they got away

4. better without me

5. is my time up?

6. back to the wall

7. masterclass

8. before i leave

9. don't take me

10. self-destructive

11. graduation (bonus track)