behind the scenes: on the edge alternate cover

image courtesy of studio trigger and cd projekt red

this might seem a bit different compared to my other posts, but i thought it’d be something worth talking about. think of this as a “reverse preface,” which…i believe is actually called a “postface.”

maybe that's something i could do in the future with other poems/albums.

either way, my newest poem “on the edge,” based on the anime “cyberpunk: edgerunners,” was rather unique in one way for me: this is the first time with any of my poems that i created two unique single covers for a poem/album. one of them is pictured above already, but in case you want to see them together for comparison's sake, here they are:

the original cover

the alternate cover, as you saw above. all images are courtesy of studio trigger and cd projekt red

the reason why this poem had two different covers was because, simply put, i felt inspired.

unlike other poems/albums i’ve written, i had this poem’s title and cover all done before the poem itself was fully completed. being based on “edgerunners” had initially inspired me to integrate “edge” into the title in some way, so “on the edge” came to me fairly quickly.

as for the cover…well, without getting into spoilers for those that haven’t seen the anime yet (which i highly recommend watching, it’s fantastic), the moon plays a very important role in the story. it’s a major part of the journeys of the two main characters in the series, david and lucy, and the view of the earth from the moon is prominently showcased, too. thus, i knew i wanted the cover to have some picture of the moon.

the problem was, i had a little more to choose from than i initially expected.

when seeking out pictures of the show’s moon, i couldn’t find one of the earth from the moon by itself, so i had to resort to screenshotting a video of a particular scene. however, while doing so, i had found a separate picture featuring david and lucy on the moon that i really liked. so i decided to create one cover with each image to get an idea of which one i liked more.

as it would turn out, i thought both were great!

so, with this predicament, i polled my friends on my social media accounts asking them which cover they preferred. in an extremely close vote, the winner was david and lucy, so i went with that for the proper release. still, i didn’t want the alternate cover to go to waste, so i thought i’d post it here with a bit of background.

now that the poem is out for everyone to read, and the cover art is here, you all can decide which one you prefer to associate the poem with. enjoy!

on the edge

image courtesy of studio trigger and cd projekt red

life right now

got me feeling

cyberpsycho,

trying to fly

to the moon,

need to be brought

back to earth,

scared to go to sleep,

i got problems

i don’t think

a ripperdoc

could fix,

seasonal depression

kicking in,

life in night city

got me wishing

for something

bigger than this,

how can i start

at the rainbow

if i know

there’s no happy endings

out here?

more connected,

but more lonely

than i’ve ever been,

and no amount of eddies

could exempt me

from the empty feeling,

wouldn’t know

the first step

to love,

yet i’m looking

for my lucy,

not even ready,

i haven’t trained

or tossed

the trauma aside,

never know

what i want

in love and life,

so i chrome up

to drown the emotion.

suppressing my pain

like i’m david,

wondering

if i need saving,

guess i understand

what maine was saying,

‘cause all i ever knew

how to do was run,

i want somebody

to believe in me,

tell me i can do it,

‘cause i’m supposed

to be special

but when will i feel it?

i want my chooms

to see their dreams through,

but am i too far gone?

did i jump in the fire

too fast?

will i get to make

a name for myself?

fly her to the moon?

or did i break myself apart

and now it’s too late?

i don’t wanna know.

girl next door

they always called

that lady crazy,

but i knew

she carried pain,

world turned its back

on her,

as things looked up,

daddy pup was gone,

left a son and daughter

all their own,

he was lost for days,

DOA was the state,

hardest part

is how to explain

to the babies

in an easy way,

because no one

should have to bury

their husband

in their 20s.

mama had to run

to a life

she didn’t want

just to feed the kids,

she stared death

in the face

too many times,

needed to be reunited,

he didn’t deserve it,

and without him,

she didn’t know

what to do,

but those little ones

kept her alive,

she had daddy’s eyes

and he had daddy’s smile,

kiss them on the forehead

and say goodnight,

he’s looking down on you,

proud you’re making it through.

i hope the best

for the girl next door,

the neighborhood

may have painted you

in a bad way,

but i know you’re trying

to keep your head

above water,

the world is unsympathetic,

but on the darkest days,

those babies

are your light,

a reminder of the reason

that you fight,

to honor your love,

let his spirit guide you,

guardian angel

never leaving your side,

up there, he’s smiling

at the woman you’ve become.

10. alright

i hope i find

comfort in my mind

one day,

win these battles

i’ve been fated to face,

never asked for it,

but i gotta learn

to make the most of it,

they want to turn

the prophet to a pariah

but i’ll get through it

like mariah in ‘05,

emancipation of me,

i’m still waiting

for my time,

but soon, i’ll be free

and peace will be mine.

i hope i make

something of myself

one day,

hope i can swerve

well enough

to avoid the snakes,

always knew

they were fake,

but i let them back in,

my mistake,

try not to make

that again,

i hope my mind

can escape

the bad place,

want to stay away,

i hope one day,

i could be okay.

and to all my friends

that have stuck with me

through the pain,

i hope we ride it out

the rest of the way,

i hope that nothing

makes us separate,

i hope we reach

greater places

and maintain

our relationships,

we’ve walked through

our share of fires,

but we’ll make it out

and go higher,

i hope we see

each other’s successes

to the end,

we might be playing

with a trick hand,

but one day,

we’re gonna win.

we’re gonna be alright.

9. pain into production

another day

spent sick of life,

kicking me

while i’m down,

everything’s going

in a circle,

trying to find comfort

while i’m laying

on a bed of nails,

i wanna get better,

i’m screaming for it,

crying for help

but the help i need

ain’t getting

back to me,

how can we

break the stigma

with a lack of

availability?

7/7 my birth,

but i can’t

feel lucky,

one digit short,

so now i’m cursed,

and i’ve been

through the ringer,

traumatized

while few dared

to bat an eye,

sent off

all my good

to the wrong ones,

lost the trust

i once had,

always forced

to have my back

to the wall.

but i’m still here.

i haven’t given in,

and it’s not

in my plans,

i never tried

to compromise,

no matter

how little credit

comes my way,

i’ve turned my pain

into production,

and soon,

it’ll be paper,

one of these days,

they’ll be screaming

my name,

and i’ll look

at all who doubted

and laugh

in their faces.

one day.

8. the warning

my greatest blessing

is life

and my biggest curse

is life,

got this trauma

from my strife,

that’s why my head’s

in the clouds,

but when i come down,

i’m exposing these clowns,

i got a bone to pick

and i’m cleaning it dry,

kicked and i’m tired,

but i’m back up again,

pick up the pen,

got a warning to send.

spent all my time

running like i’m munson,

but this is my year,

i was your puppet

for too long,

and now i’m the master,

done conforming

to what you want

out of me,

because Lord knows

you won’t recover

if you lower your voice

enough to hear my side,

better keep your head

on the swivel

and the ears up high,

‘cause the alpha dog

will get snipped

if he doesn’t reign

his ego in.

i’ve been spending

my life in a fight,

the industry keeps trying

to dim my light,

scared of the power

of what i write,

editors wanna take

food from my plate,

they tried to give me

the short end

of the stick,

i sharpened that shit,

now it’s the tool

that i’ll use to win,

fuck the establishment,

you and the fucking

horse that rode in,

keep running,

that karma

will come heavy

in the end.

strap in.

7. don't test me

every time i’m away,

the game’s in disarray,

don’t let me start

feeling myself,

because you know

i won’t stop,

i’m the kind

that makes

the algorithms

hate me,

‘cause i do it

my way,

who said i fell off?

you’re the one

that hit your head,

i’m still right here,

the king ain’t going

nowhere yet.

my life revolves

around the internet,

but it’s you

that’s chronically online,

my success depends

on being connected,

but it’s really you

who’s wasting time,

gave you support

and you spat it back,

never had the same energy,

you always wanted

some kind of rivalry,

lick the boot

of some strangers

you’ve never met,

but didn’t give

that same attention

to heads that needed it.

passion ain’t enough

when you’re looking

for an excuse

to post sublims,

so here’s a taste

of your own medicine.

i tried to stay away

from the disses,

but i’ll load up

my lyrical clip

if anyone wants it,

‘cause i’m tired

of showing love

only to get none,

fake people

changing up,

nobody praying for me,

but i’m maintaining,

and for everyone

that forgets,

i called myself “king”

for a reason,

because i’m vicious

with the words

i’ve written,

so don’t let me

get livid,

put on a clinic

and end you

in minutes.

don’t test me.

6. learning experience

take it back

to a time

when we were young,

it was easier

to let our guards down,

had each other’s backs,

never scared to trust,

‘cause who thinks

the one you call “bro”

will one day grow

to screw you over?

you don’t notice

anything shady

but one day,

they flip

like a coin,

and suddenly,

all they can do

is hurt.

thought you were fake

when i helped you

in your darkest days,

paid for things

no one should need

at that age,

then you cut ties

with no rhyme

or reason why,

tried to slither back

a couple years too late,

no explanation,

still i gave it

a second chance,

but i saw the toxicity,

the hatred grew

in your soul,

you take it out

on whoever’s close.

cheated on years ago,

so now you hate women,

she got pregnant,

it brought out

the worst in you,

turned yourself over

to the side of hate,

abortion tirades,

you just wanna

control their bodies,

you’d rather she die

while carrying

than kill the fetus,

say you’re pro-life,

but talk online

about a strap,

‘cause it’s all life

‘less a gun’s involved,

shit is sad.

and this ain’t a diss

it’s a learning experience,

raised with your own brain,

so you use it to hate,

you won’t listen,

you’re bound to be

stuck in your ways,

‘cause the world

screwed you over,

got you feeling betrayed,

but i’m not here

to wish you ill,

because i fear

you feel

a lot of pain,

the same as many

screwed by life

at a young age,

acting out in rage

to give the world

a taste of its own medicine.

i hope you escape

that place,

i hope you learn

to listen,

i wish you the best,

i hope life

treats you better,

i hope you learn

tolerance,

grow from the trauma

and find health

in your relationships,

try to wear

another’s pair

of shoes,

think outside

your mind

and consider

someone other

than yourself

for once.

5. sometimes i wonder

sometimes i wonder

what i did

to deserve the pain,

‘cause now i feel

like i shouldn’t

show my face again,

all my life,

i’ve felt invisible,

never the most special,

and now,

as my mental

starts to dwindle,

i ask who i angered?

when was i cursed?

doesn’t matter

how hard i work,

i never get to feel

like a success,

can’t have my flowers

while i’m here to smell them.

sometimes i wonder

if the ones

younger than me

will be alive

by the time

i get to where

i’m trying to be,

‘cause Lord knows

the world

offers no protection

to their souls,

safest places

become the scariest,

and “family first”

a manipulative mantra,

plant the seed

of trust

just to traumatize,

a cycle i’m tired of.

sometimes i wonder

if it’s worth going

for the throne,

‘cause i’m worried

i’ll get there

and then ask,

“now what?”

will it give me

the fulfillment

i’m searching for?

or just distract

from the depressive thoughts?

is this really

the key

to the happiness

i seek?

or will it leave me

even more defeated?

sometimes i wonder.

4. crunch

i hate myself

whenever i’m not

working on something,

easily distracted,

my mind

spending all it’s time

wandering,

everything takes

my attention

all at once,

but i gotta focus,

all about the work,

hustle culture,

they told me

this is all it takes

to get to success,

put in the work

and you get

the results.

bullshit.

if hard work

was really the key,

i wouldn’t have

to worry

about a dollar,

i wouldn’t

have to fear

that i won’t

be livin’

in a house

this time next year,

my résumé

does a lot

of speaking,

but by the end

of the evening,

i’m still bleeding,

just want to have

one day

where i gain respect.

but instead,

i’m still typing

at 5 am,

the sun’s up

and i’m stuck

on this one line,

i can’t sleep

because i’m still scared

of the monster

under my bed,

it’s moving

to my head,

and it’s taking

everything from me,

my entire life is spiraling

right when everything

was looking up.

no breaks, just crunch.

3. stay alive

trying to vibe

while my body

and mind

try to kill me,

summer’s upon us,

and once more,

i find myself

in a battle

to be alright

while my brain

does me no favors,

never a good swimmer,

but now i’m trying

to keep my head

above water.

no amount of medicine

makes it go away,

sometimes i wonder

if i have it in me

to fight through the pain,

will i ever be okay?

will i ever not feel

like i’m gonna faint?

will i one day be free

of vasovagal syncope?

will i ever have

some luck on my side?

will my being ever find

a sign of peace?

i gotta stay alive,

but is that something

i’ll get to decide?

so much i need to do,

will i have enough time?

desmond didn’t get

to see 30, will i?

how many more tears

will i have to cry

before i get to where

he was at 29?

suddenly, even 24

seems out of reach,

less than two months,

but it feels so far,

i’m trying so hard,

but i keep

hitting the wall,

how many more times

do i have to fall?

i never wanted this.

2. be okay

23 and i’m still

feeling these

growing pains,

everyone’s talking

about moving away,

i’m feeling like

one of these days,

i’ll be on my own,

not a place

to call home,

overwhelmed

by emotions,

fear of abandonment

taking its hold,

sinking deeper

at my lowest low,

wondering

if i’ll ever escape.

people i went

to school with

already having kids,

while i’m still

tryna figure out

how to live,

learning how

to pick up

my broken pieces

and put them

back together,

and now i’m finding

through the vine

that some people

i knew when i was young

are no longer alive,

life’s moving too fast,

and i’m scared,

paranoid,

i don’t wanna be next.

i’m just trying

to survive,

i’m just trying

to get by,

i’m just trying

not to die,

i’m just trying

to stay alive,

i’m just trying

to believe in life,

but when will life

believe in me?

when will the pain

and discomfort

subside?

when will i be free

of the demons

fighting in my mind?

i just wanna be okay.

1. five years

five years of writing

got me feeling

reflective,

ups and downs

with beautiful highs,

but the lows,

i wouldn’t wish

on a soul,

inspiration down,

imposter syndrome

setting in now,

i look at old poems

and cringe,

what was i thinking?

they were right,

i wasn’t writing right,

structure’s off,

but they didn’t know

the words were worse.

when i’m reading,

i see how

we’re still

at square one,

i’m older, hardened,

a little bit wiser,

but still in a rut,

my mental

might be worse

than it was

when i couldn’t

control it,

and i’m still

waiting for the world

to change

instead of playing

the same old games,

vegas then,

texas now,

concerts and schools,

what have we

come to?

and i see

i’m still mistreated

by the ones

above me,

misusing their power

and authority,

back then,

a retail job

was nothing,

now i’m watching them

take my career path

and try to throw

a fork in the road,

force me to detour,

when will i get

the respect i deserve?

for putting in the work

when i was kicked

to the curb?

five years later,

it’s only gotten worse.

silenced preface

we’ve made it. i’m so happy and relieved to have gotten to this point. i’m finally able to release my 30th full-length album “silenced.” this album was written over the course of the last six months, a time where i dealt with a heavy amount of mental distress and paranoia, hitting a gigantic low point around may. i spent most of my time by myself as well, feeling as though i didn’t have a voice and fighting with the frequent thoughts that my friends didn’t care about me. this album is the embodiment of all my emotions since february; pain, joy, anger, sadness, frustration, hopelessness, hopefulness, everything you can think of and more. it’s the culmination of everything i’ve done with my poetry in the last five years, ever since i first wrote “my dear” on september 15th, 2017. i left my entire heart in this project, and i’m so proud of this body of work. i hope it brings you the same level of comfort and healing that it brought me.

1. five years

2. be okay

3. stay alive

4. crunch

5. sometimes i wonder

6. learning experience

7. don’t test me

8. the warning

9. pain into production

10. alright

the warm up

30’s almost done

but i’m just getting started,

dog days, i’m warming up

but i’m still coldhearted,

came back for a bit

to talk my shit,

‘cause there’s people

tryna test me,

out to get me,

i didn’t wanna run it back

to disses or sublims,

but all the fake shit

made me wanna ill out,

they spit the support

right back into my face

so these words

are gonna spill out,

gotta get real now,

these people think

they’re hot shit

‘cause their tiktok

did a hundred thou,

get success,

then they forget

who had their backs

in the beginning,

petty bullshit,

they wanna turn

into enemies,

now every post

gotta be a shot

that they sending me,

pretentious,

put their opinions

on a pedestal,

act like it’s objective,

shit is incomprehensible,

possessive,

holding the key

to the gate

you’ve been keeping,

these people reaching,

keep impeding,

can’t give me a reason,

karma comes heavy

so be ready

if your shit flops,

could lose it all,

so humble yourself

before you drop,

shout to the ones

that hold me down,

my people for life,

we’re gonna win,

yeah, that’s it,

speak it in existence.

sacrifice

over a week

since my

vasovagal attack

and my brain

still hasn’t calmed down,

paranoia’s heightened

and my anxiety’s rising,

i’m in constant fear,

feeling so weak,

waiting for the moment

where i nearly faint

one more time,

maybe i’ll throw up

and the lump

in my throat

will be gone.

why did my triggers

have to be tattoos

and piercings?

oh no,

did i make it worse

by saying that

out loud?

will i get harassment?

my mind’s racing

way too fast,

and i can’t

take it easy,

too much time

with my head

between my knees,

trying to make sure

my heart keeps beating.

some people in life

are just lucky,

but i guess not me,

i got stuck

with the terrible health,

physical and mental,

and i’m scared

that any second,

i’ll take my last breath

without realizing.

i want to achieve my dreams,

but will life let me?

can’t stop feeling

like divine intervention

wants me to be

a sacrifice,

an example of someone

who couldn’t do

everything he hoped

because he couldn’t stay

as long as he wanted,

i wanna see my 30s,

i don’t wanna die,

but how much longer

do i have to fight?

i’ve done everything

to manifest

and treat myself right,

i try to give life

as much as i can,

but i don’t get it back,

i just get kicked

in the gut

so much,

so i never

catch a break,

and every time

a good thing happens,

25 bad things

are waiting behind.

it’s…it’s bullshit.

3. love is dead

i have a complicated

history with love.

for years,

it was something

i couldn’t stop

thinking about.

i feel like most

of the poems

i once wrote

were about love,

and how hopeless

i was

in my devotion

to my crushes.

i had people

telling me

i really understood love

and described it well

despite never dating.

i guess it’s because

it was something

i always craved.

now i can’t

even let myself

have a crush.

too many times,

someone comes along

that might be the one,

but i have to suppress

any romantic feelings

i may have for them,

because the pain

comes back

all too fast

if i ever start

falling for them.

my friend always tells me

to give love a chance,

but it’d be so much easier

if not for trauma.

you know,

it’s kind of funny

how being manipulated

and silenced

and gaslit

was simultaneously

beautiful and heartbreaking.

it was the thing

that helped me grow

and appreciate myself more,

but also the thing

that made me

swear off romance

almost entirely.

i became more positive

and more cynical

all in one transaction.

sometimes,

i wish it was easier

to just fall headfirst

for someone

like i did long ago.

it was so easy

for me to know

what i wanted,

and to feel it

unabashedly,

but i guess

not everybody

has it that easy.

crazy how one person

can fuck with you

so much

that you can’t look

at a crush

without worrying

they’ll take advantage of you.

they probably don’t regret a thing, either.

2. they hate me

my brain

is constantly saying

things i know

just aren’t right.

i say all the time

that it’s lying,

but i can’t stop wondering

if it’s telling the truth.

i shouldn’t even

be entertaining these thoughts,

but i can’t help myself.

i’m always hearing

my brain say

that my friends

secretly hate me,

that they don’t

actually care about me,

and i know it’s wrong,

i can show

clear examples,

i know they care,

they’re happy

i’m here,

i know that

i’m a good friend.

but what if i’m not?

what if i’m a means

to an end?

what if they don’t

really want me around?

what if i’m only important

when it benefits them?

i’ve seen all the tricks,

and yet,

i still fall for them,

i still get lost

thinking about

if i mean as much

to the people around me

as they mean to me.

i shouldn’t be here,

i shouldn’t think like that,

but i do,

and i can’t stop myself.

i’m too paranoid.

1. bleaker by the day

i constantly feel like

i’m searching

for a sign of life

in a world

that looks bleaker

by the day.

i spent half a year

feeling like

i was getting somewhere,

thinking i was

in a better place,

and now,

i’m right back

where i used to be.

i thought my minute

of peace

would last an hour,

but i guess

the powers that be

don’t offer overtime.

sometimes,

i feel like i’ve entered

that gen z phase

where i never expect

anything to get better,

and even though

i don’t want to think that,

it feels like the positives

have packed it in

and taken an early retirement,

so now i’m left

to face life without them.

sounds like fun, huh?

cutting room floor EP preface

welcome back, everybody. i always look forward to the times when we see each other. today, i’ve prepared a short set of new poems for you all that i call the “cutting room floor EP.” the title choice is apt: originally, these poems were set to be part of my 30th full-length album, one that was meant to be very straightforward, almost playing out like a simple conversation. however, i felt while writing them that they were just regurgitating points from my last project, but in a more direct way. i didn’t feel that deserved to be the direction of a milestone 30th album; it deserves to be special. thus, i shelved that concept, but i thought it would be wrong to throw these poems away completely, so i decided to toss them onto a short EP. i hope you all enjoy it. there’s plenty more to come from here. i’m currently in the process of writing several poems, and i hope to have them out soon. even with all the projects i’m working on, poetry will always be in my back pocket. after all…#30 has to come sooner or later.

1. bleaker by the day

2. they hate me

3. love is dead

6. 11pm in philly (bonus track)

i haven’t had a minute

to talk my shit,

after all i put up with,

i think i deserve it,

2021, i kept getting kicked,

loneliest i’ve ever been,

but i’m still in this,

tryna find my own success,

while the others stay useless,

someone talking down?

yeah, i heard through the vine,

the same narrative,

they all say that i’m lazy,

these motherfuckers

can’t parent their kids,

but wanna act

like they know my life,

but keep talking shit,

i still won’t quit,

i’ll stay in my world

and work towards my wins,

you provide nothing productive,

no surprise,

they tried to put me down

but i’m still alive,

i said never to push me,

but nobody listens,

live in their ignorance

while they’re taking the piss,

i’ve been quiet for the longest,

be glad i protect,

but one of these days,

i won’t be so kind,

when i’m winning,

i’m not giving you

a piece of my pie,

i’m saving it

for the real ones

that stay by my side,

shoutout to my friends

that hear me out

through the best

and worst times,

i’m gonna win in a way

that they wouldn’t even try.

don’t push a writer…

guess some people

needed to hear that again…

5. cheers to me

waiting for my flowers,

i know i deserve ‘em,

been through hell

but i’m still here

to tell the tale,

i still hit my lows

and the pain won’t go,

but look what i’ve built

along the way,

jack of all trades,

my versatility

shines through,

even when i’m kissing

the bottom,

can’t say

i’m ever afraid

of the drop.

anyone that wants

to try and do it better,

go ahead,

i’m waiting,

that ain’t a challenge,

it’s an invitation,

i’d rather welcome

collaboration

than battle one

that wants

to be my replacement.

i’m not going away,

so you’d better

get used

to hearing my name,

‘cause whether i live

to see it or not,

i know i’m gonna

die a legend.

make a toast for me,

the king claiming

the throne,

content soldier,

look at me go,

took the blows

from those

that thought i’d slow,

yet i still

put on a show,

never stop the flow,

still got so many goals,

watch out,

i’m about to glow,

ready to be everything

they said i’d never be,

i’ll win on my own terms,

so place your bets,

because i’m set for success.

cheers to me.

4. party

9:47 pm,

seventh trip

to the bathroom,

wondering

if i should lock

myself in,

this is new

to me

and i’m overwhelmed,

everything feels louder

than it really is,

what do i get

when i head back?

disassociating,

had to move away

from the corner

where someone

was throwing up

next to me,

just focus

on the movie

on screen,

haven’t had

a bite to eat,

not so hungry,

too many people,

counted 19,

i give a wave

when they stop by,

but i try

to pretend

i’m not here.

i’m too shy

for this scene,

great party

but mentally,

it’s bleeding me,

happy for the invite,

but i’m always

my most awkward

when the world

can see it.

won’t leave yet,

i’ll stay for my friends

who might feel the same,

try to hold

a conversation

and hope they don’t

abandon me.

alright, let’s head back down.

3. love made me lose myself

love gave me pain

when i was supposed

to be smiling,

love took away

the optimism

from my life before,

love made me regret

the very words

i’ve written here,

love made all

the positivity

turn to fear,

love made me

hold back

the real feelings

to avoid the hurt.

love was a gaslight

burning under me,

love was a lack

of responsibility,

love was painting me

as the bad guy,

love was silencing

without accountability,

love was apologizing

for my mistakes

without getting any back,

love was saying

“that’s just who i am”

instead of growing

from your toxicity,

love was causing rifts

in friendships

because of immaturity.

love was manipulation,

love was trauma,

love was losing trust,

love was being used,

love was being led on,

love was never compromising,

love was taking advantage,

love was leaving scars,

love was spending every day

feeling like a 10 and a 0

all at one time

all because of one person,

love was the last straw,

love was having the rug

pulled from under me

and losing the innocence

life had given me

for so many years.

love made me lose myself.

2. journal

sun’s coming up,

but my eyes haven’t shut,

my mind’s getting fried,

and it’s all falling apart,

i’m in shambles,

another trip to the bathroom,

nothing’s feeling good,

taking in all these pills,

but i’m still no better,

keep thinking life’s

trying to find

new ways to kill me,

don’t want me

to achieve my dreams,

divine beings

wanna see me six feet deep.

in a crowded room

but i feel alone,

thought i pushed past it,

but i’m right back

where i started,

constantly trying

to convince myself

that they care,

but where’d they go?

most lonesome

i’ve felt in my life,

like they don’t even

want me around,

it’s all my fault,

brought it on myself,

so i live with the pain.

i lost it all in ’21,

my vacation,

my body,

my mental,

my friends,

i’m defeated,

yet i’m still

pretending i have things

figured out,

but the bad thoughts

crowd around

in my brain,

they all hate me,

already drained,

can i just have

one good day?

i can’t take this.

1. crisis

i’m having my first

mid-life crisis,

didn’t think i could skip

so far ahead,

but the quarter-life

has gone for too long.

haven’t had

a good night’s sleep

in weeks,

i’m scared to close

my eyes,

what if they don’t

open again?

in my dreams,

all i see

is a reflection

of the pressure

i’ve been placing

on myself,

and i can’t stop

my mind from racing

as i alternate

between sleep and wake.

they say to enjoy our youth,

as if these aren’t

the worst years

of our lives,

like we’re not scared

that we’re all gonna die,

like we don’t have to worry

if our friends

are gonna make it out alive,

as if we’re not

living just to survive,

praying that we make it

to 25,

and that one day,

the world finally

answers our cries

for help.

7 years to 30,

yet i still see

the clock ticking,

telling me

i’m growing weary,

but i wanna be

taken seriously,

i want to feel like

i matter,

i’ve been knocked down

too many times,

i want luck

for once

to be on my side,

i want to feel

like everything

will be alright,

i want to feel

like i’m not spiraling,

losing my mind,

i want a sign of light

in this dark, dreary life.

end this nightmare.

worst years of our lives preface

it's nice to see everyone again. last time we talked, i mentioned that i was hard at work on a lot of poetry, and now i'm ready with another mini-album, which i call "worst years of our lives." i went into this without a concept; i just wanted to write some real, raw, unfiltered, brutally honest poems about how life has been treating me recently. for some of us, these last few years have been some of the worst of our lives, and we don't know what the next ones will hold. but i know that art is a place of comfort, and an outlet that allows us to let our emotions spill out as honestly as possible. that's the inspiration behind this project. so i hope you all enjoy this set of poems, and don't worry, my 30th full-length album is in the works. i hope to have it out soon. in the meantime, i hope you all are well, and are ready to let the nighttime have the floor: 

1. crisis

2. journal

3. love made me lose myself

4. party

5. cheers to me

6. 11pm in philly (bonus track)