[CENSORED]

i’m tryna be alright

but something’s always

getting in the way,

tryna control my mental

but every time

everything seems fine,

something comes along

and [CENSORED]

gave all my good vibes

to everyone else

and saved none

for myself,

so whenever

something nice arrives,

i always [CENSORED]

i admit i’m wrong

on things

i may not

be wrong about

just because i’m scared

of hurting someone,

or losing them

from my life,

already lost [CENSORED]

they say,

“don’t meet your heroes”

but mine are already gone,

cancer and suicide beat ‘em

before i could greet ‘em,

i’ll never get to [CENSORED]

spent a lot of time

thinking about

if i was gone,

i’d never do it

but what if

i went and [CENSORED]

how many would

miss me then?

would the tears

really fall down their eyes?

or would they

go along with their lives,

like i was [CENSORED]

brain keeps saying

nobody cares for me,

but that’s fine,

they love you most

when you [CENSORED]

nobody hears my side,

but that’s alright,

i hardly get a word in

before someone

cuts me off,

all my stories

go unheard

because i don’t [CENSORED]

i’ve been through the wringer

and i wouldn’t wish it

on a soul,

want the people i know

to be okay,

even though that means

they’ll be [CENSORED]

want to keep ‘em pleased

but am i what they need?

what does it matter?

soon as they see this,

they’ll [CENSORED]

this is just me venting,

i’m not tryna

do more damage,

i just want peace

when my brothers

hit me,

i got one by blood,

and i gotta [CENSORED]

so please don’t tell me

you get what i’m going through

unless you’ve seen

a breakdown

in front of your eyes,

try to get him

to [CENSORED],

it’s tough to help

when they can’t

help themselves,

the responsible one,

but i can’t be

a breadwinner,

dependent on me to [CENSORED]

and i’m tryna

settle into a role

as the good guy,

wanna keep the peace

and play nice,

when all they wanna do

is [CENSORED]

but let me stop myself

before another word

gets misconstrued,

all this talk

about disrespect,

never my intent,

don’t like to diss,

i’m not doing that shit,

all i said was [CENSORED]

and you [CENSORED]

distance but [CENSORED]

i wanna [CENSORED]

can i [CENSORED]

just a [CENSORED]

one word [CENSORED]

[CENSORED]

[CENSORED]

[CENSORED] [CENSORED]

[CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED]

fucking let me speak.

echo chamber, part 2

they don’t care

what i’ve got to say,

i could scream it

to the heavens

and no one

would pay attention,

been that way

since the beginning,

i’ve been the human

echo chamber

for as long

as i’ve been living,

cut off and ignored

too many times to count,

and now,

some of the ones

that supported me

the most

are starting

to go away,

i no longer know

what to say.

i don’t wanna

have to die

to hear how much

they love me,

i want to believe it

when they say

how much they care,

if i have to leave

the chat again,

it would be

the end of me,

but i feel like

they’d be better off

without me,

i’m high-functioning

so i pretend i’m okay,

but it’s hard

to bend the truth

when on the inside,

all i do is break.

like i’m sinking

into quicksand,

stuck in a pool

too deep to stand in

and i never learned

how to swim,

water coming up

around me,

and i’m drowning

with no one

to save me,

maybe i’m better alone

because i’m codependent

and i’d only throw

all my weight on you,

how do they all

have their shit together?

i can’t fake it,

i’m wallowing in self-hatred

that i can’t escape,

so much for making it

to the quarter life.

does anyone even hear me?

grateful

tell me

what i got

to be grateful for,

i’m alive

but i’m barely surviving,

just when i thought

i cleared my mind,

here comes ’23

tryna take me alive,

messing with my health

more than a couple times,

devil working double time,

and i gotta keep

pretending i’m fine

so i don’t worry them,

even though

i’m dying inside,

got me writing

the same thing

again and again,

when all i’m thinking of

is my friends

and where they went.

i got brothers

losing family,

it’s like i lost

a part of mine,

i got friends

working three jobs

and still can’t put

food on the table,

i got people

losing their homes,

and i can’t do

nothing about it,

buried in these

student loans,

dying to help

but i can’t even

help myself,

almost got eaten

by the machine,

now i can’t even

find peace

in my job security,

and i can’t do enough

to help the team.

i got love

ruining my mind again,

this is why

i tried

to avoid it

in the first place,

every time i fall,

i grow more depressed,

convinced they hate me

more by the day,

i’m trying to find a way,

but therapy

evades me,

every time i think

i’ve found it,

the business comes in

and leads me astray,

so i never have

the help i need

for long enough

to make a difference,

stuck figuring my shit out

on my own,

keep being told i’m strong,

but i’m exhausted,

dying for a break

that life can never provide.

so i ask one more time…

why should i be grateful?

mr. positive

everybody telling me

that i need a break,

but if i take one,

my soul would break,

i’d be an even bigger

waste of space,

life would take me,

hustle culture’s

got me by the waist,

and now i’m falling

flat on my face,

overwhelmed by all

the emotions i face,

coming off the last record,

you would think

i wouldn’t have

anything left to make,

but i didn’t expect

to be back in this place,

loaded up on self-hate

and i got ‘em worried

for my mental state.

i’m not trying

to ignore what you say,

trust that i hear it,

i know i got people

that wanna see me win

but i can’t get

outta my own head,

i wanna get off

the internet

but i need it to live,

and now i got ‘em scared

i’m gonna hurt myself,

i promise i’m not,

i got enough on my plate,

tryna be a guardian

to someone older than me,

if you think i’ve got it bad,

he’s me times ten,

sometimes i don’t even know

who i’m talking to

when i look in his eyes,

or if he hears my advice,

tried to get him off the pen,

but he doesn’t listen,

turning into a therapist

when it’s me

that needs that shit,

it’s got me wishing

this life was different.

i miss being mr. positive,

peace, love and rockstar shit,

the wide-eyed kid

who hadn’t been hit by life yet,

the one that hadn’t been

existentialist,

mama used to tell me

people come back to life

after they die,

i think she just wanted

to help me sleep at night,

i miss being the kid

that thought family came first,

before i knew

what they’d really do,

then had to be told

i should love him

after all the disrespect,

i miss when i talked a lot

but didn’t say too much,

now i always feel like

i should never say shit.

i miss when i didn’t

have to worry

i’d be homeless,

when student loans

were words i didn’t know,

i miss when i didn’t

self-sabotage

every situation i got in,

i miss when i had

no idea what love was,

when i didn’t catch feelings

for someone i had

no chance with,

before the one

i thought i loved

took advantage,

and before i tore

the team apart

with my feelings for one,

peer-pressured to admit it,

now it’s feeling distant,

insist we’re still cool,

but i wish i could believe you.

did i say too much

just by writing this out?

too much time

trying to offer help

when i need it myself,

but the search

only gets worse

because the industry sucks,

they’d rather see

depressives die

than improve their lives,

treat therapy like a luxury

and not a right,

this world is fucked

no matter where you turn,

survival of the fittest,

and i’ve been through it,

but i’m still here,

out of breath

but i’m still running,

out of energy

but i’m still fighting,

it’s all i’ve known how to do,

so i’ll just do it.

i’ll be good one day.

the last 17 minutes of summer

one of the late nights

outside,

trying to enjoy

the last 17 minutes

of summer,

crickets chirping

as i search

across the night sky,

trying to find

some answers,

the clock strikes

midnight

and i say goodbye,

reminiscing on the few times

life felt right,

circle back to july,

holding on

to these memories

like i held on

to you that night,

so scared

to let myself feel it,

now i’m too scared

to ever say it,

but i didn’t want

to let go.

how can i expect her

to like me back

when i don’t even

like me back?

and how will i ruin it

like i do

all my friendships?

how will my way

of saying too much

come back around

to haunt me today?

i should just

go away,

i’m lost and i’m scared

and i’m so afraid

to disappoint,

i’m losing my mind

by the minute,

and the demons

i learned to quiet

are suddenly louder.

summer’s gone,

put it in the books,

i was on top

of the world

for a minute,

now i’m sinking,

never a good swimmer,

but i’m thrown

into the ocean,

trying to ride

the wave

when the water’s

around my chin,

let it crash

and wash me ashore,

i made it out,

but will i ever find

anything more?

pick myself up

and learn to walk again,

life leaves me unsure,

but maybe one day,

i'll be okay.

time to go back inside.

3. cool kids

staring at the ceiling

in my room,

falling to the pits

of my doom,

consumes me

as i pass the time,

trying to find

the right rhyme

but all i do

is fall in line,

nihilist,

i’m numb to it,

no more meaning

to my life,

used to be the guy,

but now

i’m not even worth

a side-eye,

barely worth it

to even wonder why.

lay awake

as i face

the music,

i’m not

one of the cool kids,

doing cool things,

making memories,

i’m holed up

in the house

while the lovers play,

they have their way

while i’m the one

with the price to pay,

staring out the window,

hoping for a better day,

my youth

getting thrown away,

don’t cry for me

‘cause i’m the one

that deserves the blame,

wasn’t worth the trouble,

i’m not fun enough anyway.

too much to take on,

give it a day or two

and i’ll be gone,

then everyone

will move on,

find a new song

and sing along,

always told

i was supposed

to be strong,

but i feel like

i can’t go on,

pain’s supposed to last

for how long?

the wave of life

still stringing me along,

land of the departed,

my mind’s been haunted,

get me off this,

sick of feeling exhausted,

one life offered

and i’ve wasted it,

how much more

can i author?

i’ve lost it.

2. running

love got me blind,

suddenly,

i can’t even drive

in a straight line

because you’re back

on my mind,

you’re all i think of,

despite the fact

that i’ve got

all these distractions,

even when i’m not

throwing lines,

i’m somehow

catching catfishes,

tired of this spam

in my mentions,

i just want you,

tell me

that it’ll be alright,

i want to know

you see me,

because lately,

i don’t believe in me.

i’m trying to meet

your expectations,

but i feel like

i can’t reach ‘em,

i’m trying to be

the best version of me,

but i’m struggling,

stuck wondering

if i’ve done enough,

love you most

but you’re the one

i’m running from,

held it all in

for so long,

but it’s started to burst,

the feelings so extreme,

got me passing

the speed limit,

returned to the neighborhood,

but what will i find?

finally back,

but what did it cost?

walk in

and i’m all alone,

house doesn’t feel

like a home,

nothing makes sense

to me anymore,

but i guess it beats

being in the quiet streets,

wish i could see you

but i doubt you’d want me,

not after the way

i took my leave,

just know i missed you

more than you’ll ever know,

i believe in you

more than myself,

and i hope you’ll listen

to the stories

i still have left to tell.

hope you’re doing well.

1. borderline

falling in life

like my head

ain’t screwed on right,

stuck on the borderline

going out of my mind,

out of body

when i’m around,

got me flying

100 miles

but i can’t go

in a straight line,

no view to admire

in the middle of nowhere,

no light to shine

when i’m losing it all,

sanity escapes me,

got no one to call,

no purpose in life,

so i travel

on my own,

while my brain

is going

out of control.

fuck new friends,

i want my friends,

tried to be there

for the team,

but it seems

they don’t need me,

would they care

if i leave?

inconspicuously

make my escape

like a thief

in the night,

sneak away

without a peep,

like i was never there,

follow the lights,

wherever they lead,

take the path

and see where it goes,

little did i know

that lonely road

was the only place

i’d call home.

so this

is what it’s like

to be alone,

everyone else fought

but i was the one

who lost,

now they’re all gone,

king of self-sabotage

works his magic

like always,

every time

it goes right,

i find a way

to spite myself,

so all i’ve got

is these words i write,

as i take the wheel

and drive,

hoping to find

some direction

when all that’s left

is the endless nothing

i’m faced with.

where to next?

alone: the EP preface

what’s this? i’m back already? well, it seems the break didn’t last too long. as i discussed before, i’m back from the middle of nowhere with a brand-new set of poems, this one titled “alone: the EP.” it’s been a long time since i released a project right on the heels of another (just over a week later), but hey, when inspiration strikes, you jump at the opportunity. as has been the case lately, there were things i needed to get off my chest, and i thought this would be an exciting way of doing so. i also wanted to try not to overthink things here; forget the “promo cycle,” just drop the project and see how people take it. if they rock with it, great; if they don’t, great. so with that, i hope you enjoy this short new set of poems. it’s always fun having you all here for story time:

1. borderline

2. running

3. cool kids