little things

loneliness,
some people crave it,
they search to be
one with themselves,
to be at peace
and to get away
from the stress
of it all.
but what happens
when being alone
only makes you worse?

anxiety attacks,
they happen
all the time,
and there are others around
that can help you
feel better.
but what happens
when your anxiety attack
hits you at 4 in the morning
when everyone’s asleep?
who do you go to then?

i tried to meditate,
but my heart still races.
simple deep breaths
aren't doing the job.
there’s gotta be ways
to manage it:
can a funny
youtube video
do all the magic?

yeah, that’s better.
a good laugh
was all it took.
sometimes,
the little things
are all i need
to wipe the bad thoughts.

thanks, steve.

10. bye-bye, puppy

it was time.

the family knew,
after seeing you like this,
they couldn’t have you
living in discomfort.
after 12 years
of happiness
and love,
it was time for you
to cross the rainbow bridge
and go to puppy heaven.

the little boy
got to cuddle with you
for one last time,
his heart breaking
more and more
as he watched you cry,
thinking more and more
that this would be
his last time
with his best friend.

mama came back
to take you away
and put you down.
the young boy
said one final
“bye-bye, puppy”
and saw you off.

he didn’t show it,
he doesn’t cry much,
but it breaks his heart
seeing you gone.
he swears that
he still sees you
on the couch,
right next to mama,
and it breaks his heart
to walk in the house
and not get a greeting
from a smiling puppy.

but he knows
that it’s for the best
that you’re up in heaven
with all the treats
you could ever ask for,
and he knows
that God blessed him
with 12 wonderful years
with the greatest pet
anyone could ever ask for.

but he knows
you were more than just
a simple pet:
you were a family member,
you were his best friend,
and you were a loved one.
he’ll forever miss you
but he can’t wait
to meet you again
on the other side.

you made the world happy,
just as we said you would,
and you brought so much love
to all those around you.
you did a wonderful job,
and we all love you,
cooper.

9. weakening

but it was worse
than the cat!

the young boy,
now a college student,
came home one night
and found you whining
uncontrollably.
mommy and daddy
tried to pet you
but nothing would work!

they took you to
the doctor
to see what was wrong,
but they found no pain.
no stroke,
no damage,
no nothing!
they thought you were fine!

but the whining didn’t stop,
and you couldn’t even walk.
it was so bad,
a light breeze
could knock you over.

you had to be carried,
it was the only way
to stop the whining.
and every time
someone held you
in their arms,
you would cuddle closer,
not wanting
to leave their embrace.

it broke everyone’s heart
seeing you like this,
daddy couldn’t help
but cry,
and the young boy,
while he didn’t show it,
wasn’t taking it easy.

8. collapse

things got scary
pretty quickly, though.

remember when
you used to
play with the rope?
no longer.
you hardly had
that much energy
because every time
you got wired up,
you’d sneeze and cough
uncontrollably.

sure,
you had your moments
of jumping
all over daddy
and trying to lick
his face,
but you never
played with your toys
ever again.

christmas presents
went from toys
to just bones
and treats.
you loved the treats.
but the toys?
well, we forgot
you even had them!

playful was no longer
the right word
to describe you.
energetic was no longer
linked to your name.
adorable? yes.
playful? no.

you had calmed,
in the same way as…

…the cat.

7. my best friend

the youngest boy,
now in high school,
gave you plenty of love.

they say when kids
get their iphones,
they ignore
everything around them.
not the young boy.

he used to run
around the house
with the phone,
trying to get
nice pictures
of you.
he would post them
for the entire world
to see you,
and he always
bragged about you
to his friends.

“my puppy is
my best friend!”
he always said
as he showed them
your pictures.

“i miss puppy”
he would say
just minutes
after leaving the house,
or seconds after
you went with daddy
to bed.

you were like
a child to him.
he always wanted
to pet you,
to cuddle with you,
to hold you
in his arms.

you were his best friend.

6. attention

oh, we forgot
to mention,
there’s a cat.

the boys always thought
that the cat was mean,
she hid in the basement
and did nothing
but bite and scratch people.

the puppy didn’t like her
that much either.
she would jump out
and just bop him
in the nose.
he was afraid
to even run by that door
because of the cat
always lurking around.

years later, they all
warmed up to
the kitty,
as she turned
peaceful,
even letting the puppy
play with his rope
without getting hit.

little did they know
that she was more peaceful
because her time was almost up.

the kitty had
to be put down,
and now puppy
was the center
of attention.
he and he alone
got everyone’s love,
there was no more competing.

5. back

it looks like
it was all just
a quick scare, though.

because friday the 13th,
a day typically associated
with bad luck,
rolled around.
the boys were home alone,
unusual for the time
but that’s how it was.

a knock on the door,
the young one
looked out
the window.
it was dad,
but what’s in his arm?

oh look,
a smiling puppy!!!
he’s all better!

both boys
were overjoyed,
their little tiny
puppy dog
was no longer sick,
and everything was
back to normal!

4. sick

things aren’t always
gonna be easy
with the new family, though.

the first vacation
was worse than expected.
the boys had fun
and the shore family
loved you,
you were so sweet
and so fluffy,
and everyone
wanted you.

but it wasn’t all great:
you ate a few things
you shouldn’t have ate,
be it on walks
or when sitting on the couch,
and it all added up.
you got yourself
pretty sick.
it was the first
real scare
for the new family.

you had to go to
the puppy doctor
for the first time.
you wore the cone
of shame
for the first time,
and it hurt the boys
to see you like that.
they came out
with mama
in the rain
to visit you,
and it hurt their hearts.
they already lost two dogs,
don’t take their third!

3. welcome

and sure enough,
one saturday morning,
along you came
into the new house.

the new member
of a happy family,
and boy, did they love you!
the little boys,
they were overjoyed,
a brand new dog!
they had two dogs before,
neither of them lasted long,
so they were excited
to have a puppy
that they could
run with,
play with,
laugh with,
cuddle with!

remember how
the younger one
reacted?
screaming at
the top of his lungs,
he couldn’t believe it,
you were the most
adorable thing
he’d ever laid eyes on!

they loved you,
more than words
can describe!
you were everything
that family needed
to well-round themselves
even further!

2. home

unfortunately,
things went downhill,
and rather quick too.

see him?
he’s getting married
and moving from this house.
he’s going to live
somewhere else,
in a different house,
and they can’t have
dogs.

“but that’s my owner!
i’m man’s best friend!
he can’t leave me!
where will i go!”

well, buddy,
there’s something great
that’s about to happen!
he’s taking you
to live with
someone else.
a new mommy
and a new daddy,
and they have two little boys
that would LOVE a new dog.

they’ll play with you
and pet you
and love you
and you’ll never
feel alone.
you’ll be
the greatest thing
that’s ever happened
to them!

“ooh! ooh! i like that!”

it’ll be
a christmas miracle
for the two boys
at the house.

1. birth

welcome to the world!
it’s been waiting for ya,
little guy!

we’re glad you’re here!
ready to make
the world happy?
you’re gonna have
that smile on your face
no matter what, buddy!
just bring joy
to all those around you,
that’s what’s gonna happen!

that’s what i thought
before you ripped up
his couch,
used the house
as your toilet
and made a complete
ruckus of everything.
and even when
you smiled,
they knew
you were doing
something wrong.

but they just
couldn’t help
seeing that adorable smile,
so they trained you
to be good,
and follow the rules,
and everything got better.

cooper preface

i know i just released my second full-length album, but recent events in life caused me to fast-track the release of my third one. this one is simply titled "cooper." it's an album that i made in dedication to my puppy dog, cooper, who just had to be put down after living with me for 12 years. he was the best puppy anyone could've asked for, and this album talks about different points in his life. much like the preface for "what happens," i won't really describe the poems, but i'll give you the tracklisting, since the picture is really small.

1. birth

2. home

3. welcome 

4. sick

5. back

6. attention

7. my best friend

8. collapse

9. weakening

10. bye-bye, puppy

10. i

i fell harder than ever,
at least in my mind.
i said that same thing
at least five times this week.
i didn’t think
i could function,
i felt scared
and disoriented.
i had to run,
it was for my own good,
did i really want
to keep going?

i didn’t.

i wanted to push forward
with better things.
i wanted to do things
that were more fun.
i didn’t want my brain
to be angry at me.
i didn’t want to
fall off my pillar
or go to a place
that wasn’t that pretty.

i wanted to be happy.

i think this will help.
i don’t have to worry
about losing my passion
in a split second
on the clocks
because i can brain storm
despite sleep deprivation
and avoid comparisons
to the machine
while i leave these christmas presents
as the parting gift.

i will make things better.

i promise.

9. passion

you hear it
all the time
“fame isn’t as good
as everyone makes it
out to be.”
i first thought
they were joking,
why wouldn’t i want
the fame,
the wiki page,
the money,
the attention?

of course,
i was pretty hard-headed
back then.

after all,
do you really want
the fame
to overtake
what you really
care about?
the little things
in life?
the people that
want to see you
succeed?
you wouldn’t
give them up
for a red-carpet,
would you?

all that yearning
for the fame
and the wiki page
stopped being fun
to me.
carrying a camera
trying to convey
a story
just didn’t fit
me anymore.
words on a page,
now that’s more me.

i don’t want to be
the one
who does what he feels
he has to do,
and not what he wants
to do.
i don’t want to be
the one
who feels like
he’s in the wrong place.
i don’t want to be
the one
who gets in
over his head
with something
he no longer loves.

i’d rather be me.

8. brain storm

what happens
when you want to write
but your mind draws a blank?
when you feel an urge
to speak on something
but you’re not sure what?
are you overworking yourself?
were you too lost
in your thoughts
that you threw together
some nonsense and tried
to make it work,
against all odds?

do you self-destruct?
does your brain just
turn off?
do you lose your passion?
does all that you do
begin to feel
forced?
contrived?
mediocre?
are you really pushing
to do your best,
or are you just
writing things
for the sake of
writing things?

and how do you
bring back that passion?
how long does it take?
days, weeks, months?
can you bring it back
on your own?
or do you need others
to do it for you?
where does the passion start,
and where does it stop?
and is there a way
to make sure it doesn’t end?

because i don’t want it to.

7. comparisons

when you get compared
to someone,
how should you feel?
is it a sign
that you’re as good
as them?
have you reached
a level where
you are their
second coming?
where your idol
now idolizes you
and loves what you make?

or is it a sign
that you aren’t
your own?
a sign that
you can’t be viewed
on your own
and you’re just
another version
of them?
another student
that can’t match up
to the teacher,
to the point where
they imitate
the leader?

or is it a sign
that you’re not good
at all?
they compare you
to someone
that wasn’t
all that great
in the first place,
and your struggle
reminds them of
a previous battle
fought by another?

comparisons,
they’re a beast
altogether.
sometimes they send
the wrong message
and take away
your motivation
for…well, anything.
they create stress
and frustration,
and pressure to perform,
and more often then not,
they suck.

too bad we kinda need them.

6. the machine

who decides
what becomes popular
in our world?
how far does
the machine go
to dig for
the next big thing?
and when does it decide
when the next big thing
just needs to die down?
is there a switch
that can be flipped
to tell a thing
to fizzle out
or stay strong?

i want to meet
the machine,
i want to ask it
how it works,
and whether it looks at
the feeble creatures
that aren’t developed
and just want
a second of love.
or if it looks at
the thriving beetle
that worked to build
his colony and
still gets the short end
of the stick.

i want to know
where it gets its ideas,
where it decides
who to pick
and how far they go
and where they end up.
does the machine have
full control over
all of that?
or does it let them go
once they take off?

can i pick your brain, machine?

5. split second

do you ever stop for a minute
and wonder what happened
to those people you met
and left in a flash?
just someone you happened
to say hi to on the street?
maybe a waiter
at a restaurant
that you never saw again,
no matter how many times
you went back?

you ever wonder
what happened
to that one person
you said hello to,
but never said goodbye to?
the person that left your life
just as soon as they entered?
the chance encounter
that faded away
into the memory dump?
you ever wonder
if that was the person
you would take to the moon
with you?

i hope they’re all happy.
you know,
the people i never said goodbye to?

i hope the woman
that i helped at the store
keeps going to church
and staying positive
in this wild-ass world.
i hope my friends at the store
keep helping her out,
she was so kind and loving,
almost like a second mom.

i hope the gentlemen
who said “bless you” when i sneezed
gets many blessings sent his way,
i hope the kid
who asked me to play with him
when i was on the clock
found another friend to play with.
i hope the lady
with the baby
that wanted my brother
to take her picture
lives a life of love
with the child.
i hope the guy
who scared me
by yelling out the window
of his car
when i walked home at night
got to his house safely.
and i hope the cute girl
that i saw all the time
but never actually knew
found a lover
to keep her warm at night.

in such a short life,
we can learn so much
from split-second interactions.
this is the beauty of life:
the sense of wonder
that comes from
the tiniest of things.

it’s magnificent.

4. christmas presents

christmas comes
but once a year,
and it’s all about
the joy,
the love,
and the family.
but more than anything,
we get excited
for the gifts
that santa brings
to us.

i remember when
i made christmas lists,
“i want that new nintendo system,
or the power ranger megazord,
or a trip to disney world!”
all the things
that santa could bring,
the toys,
the games,
the chocolate,
that’s all i wanted,
but now it’s different,
because the things that i want,
santa can’t bring me.

i want my college bills
to be paid off,
i want people
to stop killing
all the time,
i want my crush
to love me back,
i want my dog
to live forever,
and i want the world
to be happy again.
santa can’t bring me
all of that,
even if he wanted to.

but i do know that
he can bring optimism,
he can bring excitement,
he can bring out
the child within us,
he can make us
forget our problems
and just be happy.
he can bring us together
just for one day
and remind us
that there’s so much
to be thankful for.

so at least there’s that.

3. clocks

where did the time go?
what happened to
the days of playing
with my toys in
the basement?
the days where i
turned my loneliness
into adventures,
where the red ranger
met willy wonka,
played hide-and-seek
behind the toy box,
and flew on starly
to the magical islands?

where are the days
where the back basement
was locked
and i wasn’t allowed in?
what happened to the times
when i thought there was
a monster lurking back there,
that only came out
when i was away?

or what about the days
where i didn’t care for “love?”
what happened to girls
having cooties?
you play hello kitty,
i play digimon,
and don’t try to hug me!
keep your kisses
away from me,
i don’t want that,
buzz lightyear doesn’t need kisses!

now the red ranger
and willy wonka
are long since gone,
and i can’t remember
if they went in the trash
or in someone else’s hands,
but they aren’t with me.
starly flew away
and the toy box is gone,
in it’s old place,
mere emptiness,
a small void,
a childhood gone.

and there was no monster
in the back basement,
nothing but dust
and boxes.
there’s no lock anymore,
and i can go back,
but what’s the point?
all the fear and curiosity
fly out the window
when the door is wide-open
all the time.

and love is what i yearn for now.
i don’t think kissing is yucky
but i still haven’t tried,
and i like someone now.
a few years late
but i’m feeling what that’s like,
and it’s lovely and scary
all at the same time.

i guess we can’t
turn back the clock
because life
has to move on.
and even though
we want to go back
and play with our toys,
we have to grow and evolve.
why? i don’t know,
i didn’t make life,
but i’ll try my best
to stay positive
and work my hardest
on everything
life throws at me,
and maybe i’ll see
the red ranger and
willy wonka again
when i fly my starly
to the magical islands.

2. deprivation

consumed by my own loneliness,
everything around me is a blur.
i search for some warmth
and comfort,
just hoping the fear
will subside.

it only haunts me
further and further,
i feel the need
to run faster and faster,
but there’s no escape,
and i’m afraid to close my eyes,
because this isn’t just a dream,
you can’t pinch me
to stop this,
because there’s no knowing
where it’s going.
for all we know,
it could be behind me now,
taunting, scaring,
no one even knows.

i could be staring at it
as i type these words.
it’s around here somewhere,
and i can’t stop moving
or it’ll take over,
shake me,
push me to places
i don’t even wanna go.
it could break me,
it could disrupt my flow,
but how can i run
when there’s no getting up?

my body won’t stand,
because it doesn’t want to,
it wants to be here
in the solitude,
reflecting
and thinking back
to the good times,
but the beast lurks
and doesn’t like personal space,
it just wants to take mine.

not tonight, please. just go away.

1. the parting gift

“hey, i remember meeting that girl,
she was a knockout,
what ever happened to her?”

well, first of all,
thanks for throwing me
on the spot,
we’re all at the table,
our faces are stuffed,
and now i have to tell the world
all of my business?
gee, how considerate.

and second of all…
…well…
…i don’t know how to answer that…
…what did happen to her?
i don’t even know
what to say:
we were that close,
and suddenly,
poof.

one night together,
it was perfect,
everything was lovely,
even the food.
but after that,
something felt off,
nothing was the same.
conversations?
hardly held them.
emotions?
i sensed few of them.
my presence?
didn’t seem to want it.

but through it all,
i was told nothing was wrong,
and maybe i’m gullible,
but i believed it,
and just assumed all was well,
but things still felt off.
just couldn’t shake it.
i didn’t do any wrong,
did i?

and then i realized
what was going on.
i followed the clues
and i found out
you really didn’t want me.
distraught,
i took out my frustration
on a keyboard,
and it only made things worse.
you said i was aggressive,
and i didn’t believe it,
but for a minute, i was,
and it only fucked things up further.

it wasn’t even about your love,
no, nothing of the sort.
you were one of my best friends
and i didn’t want to lose that,
but now it’s gone,
we haven’t spoken since,
and i’ve learned to accept it.
some friendships
just aren’t meant to be,
you have your plans
and i have mine.
i wish you the best,
and i’m glad that you're happy.
don’t want there to be hate
or anger between us,
i don’t want
to get in the way,
just know that i’m sorry
if i did you wrong,
and i’m always grateful
for the memories we shared.

but now i take my leave,
as i head to the real world
without you,
i was destined for this,
and it’s time to forget.
goodbye, old friend,
sorry to waste your time.

- lovebug

what happens preface

my second full-length poetry album is finally complete. i call this one "what happens?" i went into this one without a theme in mind, and i focused a lot on randomness. that's why the cover art is simple graffiti i found on the walls in my school. from here on out with my prefaces, by the way, i'm not going to explain what each poem on each project is about (unless the situation calls for it). i'd rather not spoon-feed you guys, because that's not the point of poetry. however, i'll post the tracklist each time, just so you know what order they will be posted in.

1. the parting gift

2. deprivation

3. clocks

4. christmas presents

5. split second

6. the machine

7. comparisons

8. brain storm

9. passion

10. i

bing

cover art courtesy of gargoyle pastures

you went and did it.
betraying my trust
as a friend,
i thought you were
on our side,
but you went and did
the unspeakable,
and it hit me like
“bing!”
why did you do it,
and more than once, too?

i had you saved
in my phone
and referred to as
“my dude,”
but now i feel sick
just thinking about you.
don’t you remember
when you told me
that you felt ashamed
that women had to
walk around at night
feeling scared?
but look what you’ve done!
THREE TO FOUR?
it shouldn’t have even
happened once!

but then what was worse,
when the going got tough,
you ran the other way.
dropped off of socials,
didn’t address a thing.
i thought you were smart,
but i was dead wrong,
especially when you came back,
with a sudden name change,
you said you had to
go through your material,
but why?
to sweep it under the rug?
wipe away your past?
feed on the misery
of the women
who have to live
with what you did?

you were once
once of my best friends,
the coolest kid
on the block,
a guy with mad talent
and the brain to match it.

well, i thought you had the brains.

but now i see
the real you,
a wolf in sheep’s clothing,
getting away with your
awful actions.
i hope karma
catches up to you,
because then you’ll have
some justification
for that high anxiety
of yours.