10. alright

i hope i find

comfort in my mind

one day,

win these battles

i’ve been fated to face,

never asked for it,

but i gotta learn

to make the most of it,

they want to turn

the prophet to a pariah

but i’ll get through it

like mariah in ‘05,

emancipation of me,

i’m still waiting

for my time,

but soon, i’ll be free

and peace will be mine.

i hope i make

something of myself

one day,

hope i can swerve

well enough

to avoid the snakes,

always knew

they were fake,

but i let them back in,

my mistake,

try not to make

that again,

i hope my mind

can escape

the bad place,

want to stay away,

i hope one day,

i could be okay.

and to all my friends

that have stuck with me

through the pain,

i hope we ride it out

the rest of the way,

i hope that nothing

makes us separate,

i hope we reach

greater places

and maintain

our relationships,

we’ve walked through

our share of fires,

but we’ll make it out

and go higher,

i hope we see

each other’s successes

to the end,

we might be playing

with a trick hand,

but one day,

we’re gonna win.

we’re gonna be alright.

9. pain into production

another day

spent sick of life,

kicking me

while i’m down,

everything’s going

in a circle,

trying to find comfort

while i’m laying

on a bed of nails,

i wanna get better,

i’m screaming for it,

crying for help

but the help i need

ain’t getting

back to me,

how can we

break the stigma

with a lack of

availability?

7/7 my birth,

but i can’t

feel lucky,

one digit short,

so now i’m cursed,

and i’ve been

through the ringer,

traumatized

while few dared

to bat an eye,

sent off

all my good

to the wrong ones,

lost the trust

i once had,

always forced

to have my back

to the wall.

but i’m still here.

i haven’t given in,

and it’s not

in my plans,

i never tried

to compromise,

no matter

how little credit

comes my way,

i’ve turned my pain

into production,

and soon,

it’ll be paper,

one of these days,

they’ll be screaming

my name,

and i’ll look

at all who doubted

and laugh

in their faces.

one day.

8. the warning

my greatest blessing

is life

and my biggest curse

is life,

got this trauma

from my strife,

that’s why my head’s

in the clouds,

but when i come down,

i’m exposing these clowns,

i got a bone to pick

and i’m cleaning it dry,

kicked and i’m tired,

but i’m back up again,

pick up the pen,

got a warning to send.

spent all my time

running like i’m munson,

but this is my year,

i was your puppet

for too long,

and now i’m the master,

done conforming

to what you want

out of me,

because Lord knows

you won’t recover

if you lower your voice

enough to hear my side,

better keep your head

on the swivel

and the ears up high,

‘cause the alpha dog

will get snipped

if he doesn’t reign

his ego in.

i’ve been spending

my life in a fight,

the industry keeps trying

to dim my light,

scared of the power

of what i write,

editors wanna take

food from my plate,

they tried to give me

the short end

of the stick,

i sharpened that shit,

now it’s the tool

that i’ll use to win,

fuck the establishment,

you and the fucking

horse that rode in,

keep running,

that karma

will come heavy

in the end.

strap in.

7. don't test me

every time i’m away,

the game’s in disarray,

don’t let me start

feeling myself,

because you know

i won’t stop,

i’m the kind

that makes

the algorithms

hate me,

‘cause i do it

my way,

who said i fell off?

you’re the one

that hit your head,

i’m still right here,

the king ain’t going

nowhere yet.

my life revolves

around the internet,

but it’s you

that’s chronically online,

my success depends

on being connected,

but it’s really you

who’s wasting time,

gave you support

and you spat it back,

never had the same energy,

you always wanted

some kind of rivalry,

lick the boot

of some strangers

you’ve never met,

but didn’t give

that same attention

to heads that needed it.

passion ain’t enough

when you’re looking

for an excuse

to post sublims,

so here’s a taste

of your own medicine.

i tried to stay away

from the disses,

but i’ll load up

my lyrical clip

if anyone wants it,

‘cause i’m tired

of showing love

only to get none,

fake people

changing up,

nobody praying for me,

but i’m maintaining,

and for everyone

that forgets,

i called myself “king”

for a reason,

because i’m vicious

with the words

i’ve written,

so don’t let me

get livid,

put on a clinic

and end you

in minutes.

don’t test me.

6. learning experience

take it back

to a time

when we were young,

it was easier

to let our guards down,

had each other’s backs,

never scared to trust,

‘cause who thinks

the one you call “bro”

will one day grow

to screw you over?

you don’t notice

anything shady

but one day,

they flip

like a coin,

and suddenly,

all they can do

is hurt.

thought you were fake

when i helped you

in your darkest days,

paid for things

no one should need

at that age,

then you cut ties

with no rhyme

or reason why,

tried to slither back

a couple years too late,

no explanation,

still i gave it

a second chance,

but i saw the toxicity,

the hatred grew

in your soul,

you take it out

on whoever’s close.

cheated on years ago,

so now you hate women,

she got pregnant,

it brought out

the worst in you,

turned yourself over

to the side of hate,

abortion tirades,

you just wanna

control their bodies,

you’d rather she die

while carrying

than kill the fetus,

say you’re pro-life,

but talk online

about a strap,

‘cause it’s all life

‘less a gun’s involved,

shit is sad.

and this ain’t a diss

it’s a learning experience,

raised with your own brain,

so you use it to hate,

you won’t listen,

you’re bound to be

stuck in your ways,

‘cause the world

screwed you over,

got you feeling betrayed,

but i’m not here

to wish you ill,

because i fear

you feel

a lot of pain,

the same as many

screwed by life

at a young age,

acting out in rage

to give the world

a taste of its own medicine.

i hope you escape

that place,

i hope you learn

to listen,

i wish you the best,

i hope life

treats you better,

i hope you learn

tolerance,

grow from the trauma

and find health

in your relationships,

try to wear

another’s pair

of shoes,

think outside

your mind

and consider

someone other

than yourself

for once.

5. sometimes i wonder

sometimes i wonder

what i did

to deserve the pain,

‘cause now i feel

like i shouldn’t

show my face again,

all my life,

i’ve felt invisible,

never the most special,

and now,

as my mental

starts to dwindle,

i ask who i angered?

when was i cursed?

doesn’t matter

how hard i work,

i never get to feel

like a success,

can’t have my flowers

while i’m here to smell them.

sometimes i wonder

if the ones

younger than me

will be alive

by the time

i get to where

i’m trying to be,

‘cause Lord knows

the world

offers no protection

to their souls,

safest places

become the scariest,

and “family first”

a manipulative mantra,

plant the seed

of trust

just to traumatize,

a cycle i’m tired of.

sometimes i wonder

if it’s worth going

for the throne,

‘cause i’m worried

i’ll get there

and then ask,

“now what?”

will it give me

the fulfillment

i’m searching for?

or just distract

from the depressive thoughts?

is this really

the key

to the happiness

i seek?

or will it leave me

even more defeated?

sometimes i wonder.

4. crunch

i hate myself

whenever i’m not

working on something,

easily distracted,

my mind

spending all it’s time

wandering,

everything takes

my attention

all at once,

but i gotta focus,

all about the work,

hustle culture,

they told me

this is all it takes

to get to success,

put in the work

and you get

the results.

bullshit.

if hard work

was really the key,

i wouldn’t have

to worry

about a dollar,

i wouldn’t

have to fear

that i won’t

be livin’

in a house

this time next year,

my résumé

does a lot

of speaking,

but by the end

of the evening,

i’m still bleeding,

just want to have

one day

where i gain respect.

but instead,

i’m still typing

at 5 am,

the sun’s up

and i’m stuck

on this one line,

i can’t sleep

because i’m still scared

of the monster

under my bed,

it’s moving

to my head,

and it’s taking

everything from me,

my entire life is spiraling

right when everything

was looking up.

no breaks, just crunch.

3. stay alive

trying to vibe

while my body

and mind

try to kill me,

summer’s upon us,

and once more,

i find myself

in a battle

to be alright

while my brain

does me no favors,

never a good swimmer,

but now i’m trying

to keep my head

above water.

no amount of medicine

makes it go away,

sometimes i wonder

if i have it in me

to fight through the pain,

will i ever be okay?

will i ever not feel

like i’m gonna faint?

will i one day be free

of vasovagal syncope?

will i ever have

some luck on my side?

will my being ever find

a sign of peace?

i gotta stay alive,

but is that something

i’ll get to decide?

so much i need to do,

will i have enough time?

desmond didn’t get

to see 30, will i?

how many more tears

will i have to cry

before i get to where

he was at 29?

suddenly, even 24

seems out of reach,

less than two months,

but it feels so far,

i’m trying so hard,

but i keep

hitting the wall,

how many more times

do i have to fall?

i never wanted this.

2. be okay

23 and i’m still

feeling these

growing pains,

everyone’s talking

about moving away,

i’m feeling like

one of these days,

i’ll be on my own,

not a place

to call home,

overwhelmed

by emotions,

fear of abandonment

taking its hold,

sinking deeper

at my lowest low,

wondering

if i’ll ever escape.

people i went

to school with

already having kids,

while i’m still

tryna figure out

how to live,

learning how

to pick up

my broken pieces

and put them

back together,

and now i’m finding

through the vine

that some people

i knew when i was young

are no longer alive,

life’s moving too fast,

and i’m scared,

paranoid,

i don’t wanna be next.

i’m just trying

to survive,

i’m just trying

to get by,

i’m just trying

not to die,

i’m just trying

to stay alive,

i’m just trying

to believe in life,

but when will life

believe in me?

when will the pain

and discomfort

subside?

when will i be free

of the demons

fighting in my mind?

i just wanna be okay.

1. five years

five years of writing

got me feeling

reflective,

ups and downs

with beautiful highs,

but the lows,

i wouldn’t wish

on a soul,

inspiration down,

imposter syndrome

setting in now,

i look at old poems

and cringe,

what was i thinking?

they were right,

i wasn’t writing right,

structure’s off,

but they didn’t know

the words were worse.

when i’m reading,

i see how

we’re still

at square one,

i’m older, hardened,

a little bit wiser,

but still in a rut,

my mental

might be worse

than it was

when i couldn’t

control it,

and i’m still

waiting for the world

to change

instead of playing

the same old games,

vegas then,

texas now,

concerts and schools,

what have we

come to?

and i see

i’m still mistreated

by the ones

above me,

misusing their power

and authority,

back then,

a retail job

was nothing,

now i’m watching them

take my career path

and try to throw

a fork in the road,

force me to detour,

when will i get

the respect i deserve?

for putting in the work

when i was kicked

to the curb?

five years later,

it’s only gotten worse.

silenced preface

we’ve made it. i’m so happy and relieved to have gotten to this point. i’m finally able to release my 30th full-length album “silenced.” this album was written over the course of the last six months, a time where i dealt with a heavy amount of mental distress and paranoia, hitting a gigantic low point around may. i spent most of my time by myself as well, feeling as though i didn’t have a voice and fighting with the frequent thoughts that my friends didn’t care about me. this album is the embodiment of all my emotions since february; pain, joy, anger, sadness, frustration, hopelessness, hopefulness, everything you can think of and more. it’s the culmination of everything i’ve done with my poetry in the last five years, ever since i first wrote “my dear” on september 15th, 2017. i left my entire heart in this project, and i’m so proud of this body of work. i hope it brings you the same level of comfort and healing that it brought me.

1. five years

2. be okay

3. stay alive

4. crunch

5. sometimes i wonder

6. learning experience

7. don’t test me

8. the warning

9. pain into production

10. alright

the warm up

30’s almost done

but i’m just getting started,

dog days, i’m warming up

but i’m still coldhearted,

came back for a bit

to talk my shit,

‘cause there’s people

tryna test me,

out to get me,

i didn’t wanna run it back

to disses or sublims,

but all the fake shit

made me wanna ill out,

they spit the support

right back into my face

so these words

are gonna spill out,

gotta get real now,

these people think

they’re hot shit

‘cause their tiktok

did a hundred thou,

get success,

then they forget

who had their backs

in the beginning,

petty bullshit,

they wanna turn

into enemies,

now every post

gotta be a shot

that they sending me,

pretentious,

put their opinions

on a pedestal,

act like it’s objective,

shit is incomprehensible,

possessive,

holding the key

to the gate

you’ve been keeping,

these people reaching,

keep impeding,

can’t give me a reason,

karma comes heavy

so be ready

if your shit flops,

could lose it all,

so humble yourself

before you drop,

shout to the ones

that hold me down,

my people for life,

we’re gonna win,

yeah, that’s it,

speak it in existence.