everything gets worse

all that shit they
try and tell you
when they push
positivity down
your throat is all
a bowl of fucking
lies, nothing ever
gets better, it all
gets worse, and
the only people
that live through
the shit are those
that can somehow
numb the pain and
just feel used to it.

i’m losing it all,
friends are gone,
not even comfy in
my own home, and
this family feud has
grown too large, it’s
all stuck, speechless,
can’t seem to find the
light at the end of the
tunnel, and my desire
to go recluse has only
gotten bigger as this
hateful world takes a
massive hold, squeeze
the life out of me and
throw bad news after
bad news every day.

somebody’s placing a
hex on me, it’s making
me wanna scream, i’m
trying not to leave but
i can’t find a way to be
happy, and every time i
start to feel better, i get
hit, like a ton of bricks in
my face, and i’m so tired,
everyone tells me to keep
my head up, but the world
won’t let me get up, and it
just feels like i should just
give up hope at this point.

because everything gets worse.

fuck the fame

no one sees the pain
i cause to myself, they
only see how much i’m
putting content out and
will never hear that i’m
at war with myself. all of
this internet bullshit just
silences my cries for help
because the heartless are
slowly crafting my demise,
to them, i’m just some joke,
only satisfying their desire
to find some good old clout.

fuck the fame, if this is
all it’s good for. even as
i scream it out, i’m just a
clown, they say i’m a fool
who just wants attention
even though i’ve got 800k
on my screen and up to six
clean figures in my wallet.
they’re driving me away, it
grows hard to focus when
the digital world molds us
and makes us reliant on it.

wonder if they’ll get it when
i’m gone. fighting back tears
as i think about those people
who will never cry when i die.
they thought it was for show,
a ruse to inspire memes, but
now i’m taking my last breath.
so much i’m gonna miss, i’m
sorry for all the harm i caused
and all the fear i brought about.

fuck the fame.

closure

i’m waking up and
hearing it through
the grapevine that
some shots are off,
fired in my direction,
someone’s out here
attacking me without
having all the facts,
just slaved off all the
content cops but now
i’ve got some people
asking me to censor,
hold my words back.
not meant to speak
with God, so now i
decide it for myself.

i wouldn’t write it if
i couldn’t speak it.
apparently, they try
to say my words are
trash, worthless but
nobody’s gonna say
it straight to my face,
they’d rather write on
me because they think
i dissed them, people i
have love for didn’t see
it’s a fiction piece, and
they’re trying to catch
shyamalan in the act,
think they have signs
but my sixth sense, it
puts in that overtime.

don’t take my words
for disrespect or go
jump to conclusions
too quick, this isn’t
a diss, i’ve always
got you in my good
graces, but before
you shoot off, don’t
be afraid to check,
i know we haven’t
spoken but i won’t
bite if you ask, not
trying to turn into
enemies, just had
to give a response.

i’m off this one.

cutie pie

i think you are a
cutie pie, just so
beautiful, love but
you don’t feel that
way back, it hurts.
try to find out why,
but i can’t, and i’m
left inside this cell
wishing you didn’t
crush my heart, go
run back to him, the
guy that hurt you so
hard so long before.

is it because you
like the fuckboys?
only living for the
temporary thrill he
gives you? you just
can’t escape from
the simulation, so
you’re settling for
the safe pick, you
won’t find anyone
to be the upgrade,
you’d rather play
with the emotions
of the kind ones
and hurt them?

why did you build
me up? why’d you
lead me on? now
i’m left here alone,
rotting in prison as
i try to figure out if
i was even worth it.
i’m nice, right? my
niceness isn’t toxic,
is it? oh, i guess so,
because if it wasn’t,
i wouldn’t be sitting
here in this cell, huh?

doesn’t that suck.

1am in my living room

i know the world’s
been waiting on me,
wondering when i’m
gonna drop the 24th,
but i’m breaking, got
a lack of productivity,
it worries me, a great
kick off to the summer,
while i watch them all
live it up, i dodge these
calls and struggle with
the work i’m doing, it’s
bearing me down and
i’m frustrated with the
lack of consistency, i’m
wishing i could have the
creativity, but it’s leaving.
saw you’ve been missing
people and i start to wish
that i was one of them, i’m
trying to hide my pain but
i can’t, and every time my
mama asks about you, i’m
at a loss for what to say. i
wish she had a chance to
meet you, she’d be happy.
speaking of, i’m scared my
mama’s getting tired of me,
still can’t help her pay these
bills and she’s always gotta
hear me complain, i know i’m
a pain, wish i could do better.
i’m glad to have her, though,
some people don’t have that
guidance she provides and i
can see it in their eyes, hurts
to watch them go down paths
you wish they wouldn’t, and i
wonder if the energy would be
higher if their mama was part
of their lives in a bigger way.
i’m jumping all around now,
but that’s just what my mind
is looking like at this point in
time, trying to find what i had
fostered in the past, but all the
passion i had is passing away.
i just wanna get it back and try
to drop some albums, but this
time, it’s out of reach, and i’m
feeling like it’s not coming back.
trying my best to grab it, but it’s
like my best is not good enough.

it never is.