proud of you

it’s the darkest part

of the year,

should be filled

with joy and love

but all the lights

have gone off,

as my brain wanders,

i search for a sign,

something to cling to

that could bring me

to a calmer frame

of mind,

some sweet relief

in what they call

“the most wonderful time

of the year,”

trying to ward off

the existential thoughts

and fears

of what would happen

if everything was gone.

and i remember you.

the one whose smile

is enough

to bring me back

from the dark,

my heart

skips a beat

every time i see

your name,

you’ve made me smile

the brightest

during my worst days,

you might not

even realize

what you mean to me,

i thank the stars

in every way

for making sure

to place us

in the same room,

never wanna do

this thing

without you,

one of the few things

i can say

makes life great.

and to you,

i know believing

in yourself

is hard,

self-esteem

might make it seem

like you’re not seen

for who you are,

but i promise

that you’ll make it far,

i’m honored

to be part

of your journey,

best thing

that i get to be,

the one i’m always

most excited to see,

i know you been fighting,

but in case

you haven’t

told yourself lately,

i’m glad you’re here,

and i’ll do anything

to make you happy.

i’m proud of you.

3. i'm dying inside

another day

where i feel like

i’m just passing the time,

got the kind

of anxiety

that makes standing

feel like a chore,

just wanna lay down

on the floor

and stare up

at the ceiling,

life keeps revealing

all this pressure

i’ve been feeling,

i tried concealing it,

but i’m front row

at the grand unveiling,

i’m a disappointment,

every time

i find a good thing,

i destroy it,

and no matter

my habits,

i just can’t control it.

can’t even distract

myself from it,

my hobbies hardly

have the enjoyment

that they once brought,

there’s nothing to do

but twitter,

insta and youtube,

brain keeps going

in different directions,

offering new distractions

every time

i’m tryna be productive,

and somehow,

i’m too sad

to get the words out,

even though

this is supposed to be

the time

when i come alive,

tryna be a good guy

and keep the vibes high

while i’m dying inside.

waiting for the day

i get out

of my own way,

out of my own head,

i’m hanging by a thread

but i just wanna be

a better friend,

i got people

that need me,

and i wanna be there

for them,

be a helping hand

and a shoulder to cry on,

somebody to rely on,

everybody needs one,

try to be the one to help

even though i don’t

ask for it myself,

give them something

to smile about

even when i have nothing,

maybe then,

i won’t feel like

i have to keep running,

maybe then,

i’ll finally learn

what it’s like

to be worth something.

i’ll stand up eventually.

2. give up on love

all that cheesy shit

you hear about love

doesn’t seem so cheesy

when you’re alone,

25 years living,

and for most of it,

i thought i was good

on my own,

but when you’re in the dark

for so long,

it gets lonely,

a house doesn’t feel

like a home

with no one to hold,

told myself

all along

that i wouldn’t fall,

now i’m face first

on the floor

and i’m coming apart,

i see the seams

start to unweave

and i’m in stitches,

tryna knit myself

back together

and get used

to the fact

that i’ll be single forever.

seeing all these people

with their lovers

and wishing

for something similar,

why does everybody

seem prettier

when you’ve got no one?

wouldn’t stand a chance

with half the people

i’ve known,

they’re better off

if i just

left them alone,

the one i’m thinking of,

i probably annoy,

too scared to tell

how i really feel,

i wrote seven pages

and i still can’t say it,

just waiting

for the moment

where i fuck up

and make them

uncomfortable

like everyone else,

say too much

and drive them away,

sometimes i wonder

if i should just

give up on love.

what would i even

have to offer?

any potential lover

would be better off

running away

and finding another,

what if

they see me

angry?

it’s something

i don’t even

like to be

‘cause it reminds me

of the guy

i never wanna see,

what if i don’t have

enough money?

can’t pull my weight

to support a family?

what if i have

too many quirks

and insecurities?

my confidence

has been crushed

by the love,

guess it’s time

to realize

i’ll never have anyone.

that’s just my luck with love.

1. what do i matter anyway?

i’m feeling like

the oldest

25-year-old alive,

a quarter-life crisis,

will i even survive?

everything’s so fast,

i just wanna

slow down time,

take it back

to when everything

felt right,

i miss that boy

in high school

who would shine his light

and provide

nothing but positive vibes,

smile on his face

and some words

to motivate,

he was never afraid

of who he was

or what they’d make

of him,

went about his way

and was happy

with himself,

but as the years passed,

his confidence fell,

now i can’t make

heads or tails

of life,

just wanna feel well,

but i’m zagreus

the way i’m stuck in hell,

i just wanna break

the spell

and one day,

feel good about myself.

stood on the scale

and i was scared

of what i saw,

even the seemingly

skinny people

can’t stand

themselves sometimes,

tried to lie

and claim

i don’t got a body

under mine,

all because

i’m terrified

of what i look like,

every time

i look in the mirror,

i wanna hide it,

break down and cry

because i’m never

satisfied with it,

roughly 145

but i still don’t

feel right,

diet and exercise

but i still don’t

have pride in it,

combine it

with the crohn’s

and now my body’s

all in my mind,

friends offer food

and all i can do

is apologize,

why am i like this?

SZA said

“good luck

on them

20 somethings”

i should’ve listened,

‘cause now i’m stuck

looking back

on all the shit

i’ve been missing,

life’s flying

while i’m still finding

my purpose,

am i even worth it?

don’t want ‘em

to be worried

but what would they do

if i wasn’t there?

feeling like i could

disappear

and who would even care?

i know it’s not

what they want to hear,

but it’s all

that’s going on

up here,

wanna hide my face

in shame

‘cause every time

things are going great,

i find a way

to destroy it,

self-sabotage

sending me right back

to this sorry state.

what do i matter anyway?

stories to cry to EP preface

back so soon? well, you know, i'm never one to ignore an opportunity when inspiration strikes. thus, i've returned with my eighth poetry EP, "stories to cry to EP" (yes, i do habitually add "EP" to the title of every EP). like many of my EPs, this came out of a desire to unleash some raw, emotional thoughts that i've had stuck in my head. it's my hope that poems like these can bring comfort at a time when life has kicked a lot of us down and made us shed more than a few tears. i often feel like, as a writer, if someone cries to my work, it's a sign that i've done my job and my writing has connected to the reader, and i wanted to make that happen here. i wanted to do what i do best with my poetry and just let my emotions spill onto the page. i'm very proud of these poems, and i hope you enjoy them (and/or have a nice shower cry to them; whichever you prefer). it's always lovely seeing those of you who stop by to take a look at these poems; hopefully, i'll have even more for you in the future:

1. what do i matter anyway?

2. give up on love

3. i'm dying inside

10. the throne is mine

i heard they said

the poetry king

was dead,

shit got me wondering

when i ever left,

i’ve just been

biding my time,

turns out they’re the ones

i need to remind,

carefully consider

every word and rhyme

because i’m tryna be

the greatest alive,

working the night shift

while they’re sleeping on me,

take the odds,

i’ll keep dreaming,

i already know

they don’t believe in me,

but i got stories

for every season

whenever you need ‘em.

and i pay

my respects

to maya, edgar and plath,

but i’m honestly

tryna be better than that,

i don’t call myself

the “king” for nothing,

i wanna be the best

to ever do it,

i want my words

to live on

when i’m long gone,

i wanna see myself

in the history books

in my next life,

i even found out

i might’ve been

emily dickinson

in a past life,

so maybe i got

a thing or two in common

with hailee

that she might like,

because i got

all my words

pitch perfect

on every poem

i write.

i don’t flex much

but i had to do it

one time

to remind you

that the throne is mine,

realest writer

that you’ll ever find,

yeah, i know i’m a mess

with a complex mind

but my words

are magic

and no one

can tell me otherwise,

i’ve written enough

for a whole lifetime

but i’m still on my grind,

i’m gonna be like nas

when i hit the 5-0,

31 albums down

and i’m still here

with the hits, boy.

this is my story...

i’m doing my own thing.

9. dying words

read these words carefully,

for they could be

the last ones you see

from me,

eyes feeling dry

from the million tears

i’ve cried,

tryna find a place

to run and hide,

all these thoughts

circling my mind,

feeling nothing

but pain inside,

can’t make it

go away,

living out

my last few days,

looking back

on the ways

i could’ve done more,

told her how i felt

before it was too late,

stopped the cycle

of self-hate,

stood up for myself

and built the confidence

i desperately needed,

should’ve never waited,

but my clock is ticking,

so hear out

my dying words:

at least

i was me

authentically,

i made mistakes

and pushed some away,

i never became

the person

i wanted to be

or the person

you needed me to be,

i never made it

as far as i could’ve,

but at least

i was me,

and hopefully,

that version of me

was good enough for some,

when the day comes

where i’m gone,

celebrate what i made,

don’t cry or feel shame,

make a toast

to the content soldier,

the poetry king,

honor the legacy i leave,

because i know

they’ll remember the name.

matt anderson.

8. from the beginning

september ‘17,

she’d rejected me,

wasn’t ready

but it hit me harder

than i was expecting,

didn’t know why

but my mind

fell into a bad place,

i couldn’t let it go,

the world was crushing me

in its grasp,

and the trauma

eventually kicked in,

needed a way

to express it,

so i wrote it down,

took my chance

to unleash the emotions

and real thoughts

on a page,

then put it out

and let it have

it’s own life.

who’d have thought

it’d take me here?

thought i’d be sitting

behind the camera,

but chose to switch lanes,

the written word

was my haven,

i was a maven,

trying to play my part

in changing the world,

17 albums

in a year’s time,

a moment of highs

and giant lows,

wrote like

i was possessed

with a symbiote,

later learned

to take it slow,

but no matter the speed,

i was spittin’,

speaking that real shit,

my pen’s been livid,

i wrote for the nobodies

who had shit on the mind

but didn’t know how to say it.

and look what i made of it.

31 albums down

and i’m still the king,

from the beginning,

i had a gift,

but i never thought

this would be

the life i’d live,

yet here i am,

comfortable on the throne,

when i’m in my zone,

i know there’s no one better,

make like moses,

part the ocean

and the bars i write,

shoutout to dom,

that shit was deep,

and shoutout to me,

because sometimes

i need it,

i’m messy

and still learning

to trust my mental,

but as long as i breathe,

i’ll write these stories,

and i’ll make sure

that they remember me,

the poetry king.

let’s make a toast to me.

7. happy ending

i’ve been living

a lie,

happy on the outside,

dying on the inside,

tryna find

a good reason

to believe in life,

feel like i’m spiraling

toward my demise,

i wanna stay alive

because i’ve got friends

on the other side,

but i feel like a child

in an adult’s body,

bound to be left behind,

begging for a reason

to grind,

try to write these words

from the soul,

but i’m pondering

my purpose

like joe,

trapped in my mind

and i’m begging

for them to let go.

i’m a cross between

charlie brown and eeyore,

try and i try,

but i can’t get it right,

maybe i’m woody,

but what am i

against a buzz lightyear?

strap me to the rocket

and let me fly

because i deserve

to take the fall,

i wish i never

fell in love

the first time,

because then

i would’ve never

felt the hurt

the second

or the third time,

all i’ve done

is get in the way,

you’re perfect

and i’m a burden,

always so easily hurt

and i can’t

get over myself,

got people that love me,

but i never feel

like i deserve it.

people like me

don’t get a happy ending,

we don’t get the girl

or the money

or the world,

we don’t get the success

even after we’ve

busted our ass,

we’re not the number one

to anyone else,

all we’ve got

is ourselves,

statistics

wishing we could

make a difference,

but we’ve missed out

on our 15 minutes,

so we’re left

to accept

that this life

is the best we get.

and it’s empty.

6. therapist

i’m a great therapist

for someone

who could really use one,

always struggled

to ask for help

because i felt

i had to clean up

my messes myself,

i suppress it

so i don’t overwhelm,

but now i’m the one

feeling it worse,

distract myself

from my problems

by taking on

everyone else’s,

because the pain

i’ve felt

is something i’d never

want anyone else

to have to go through.

i’ve had trust issues

since i was 17,

made me act out

in some bad ways,

but i’m learning

not to dwell on

my past mistakes,

i’ve had my beefs

but bitter’s something

i’m never trying to be,

that petty shit is bad

for my anxiety,

so this is the most

you’ll see from me

as far as responding,

i’d rather take

the high road

than go back and forth,

trying to be better

instead of getting

caught up in drama,

because i’ve got

too many out there

that need my help.

i’m not tryna

say too much

for the sake

of protecting my people,

I just want them

to have some peace,

don’t even care

who’s praying for me,

‘cause i’m saving mine

for them,

i wanna let ‘em know

that life will be okay,

even though i barely have

my own head on straight,

i’m not okay

but i wanna make sure

everyone else is safe,

people pleaser

in the worst way

because i don’t know

my own purpose.

maybe one day i’ll learn it.

5. one more day

before you pointed

the pistol at your dome,

what were you thinking of?

you always felt

unworthy of the love,

wasn’t your first try

but this is my last time,

now that you’re gone,

i don’t even feel alive,

survivor’s guilt

kicked in from the minute

that i saw you die,

the worst sight

i’ll ever lay eyes on,

i loved you more

than you could ever

love yourself,

but i always missed

the obvious signs,

all i wanted to do

was call you my wife,

reminders of the cruelty

of life,

haven’t slept

because every night,

i try to convince myself,

“this can’t be right!”

even though i saw it,

i’d give it all

just to have you back,

wanted to comfort you

and keep the demons away,

been looking at pictures

of that smiling face,

all i ever wanted

was one more day,

to show you that

you mattered more

than the voices

in your head,

my best friend,

the love of my life,

the greatest thing

to happen to me,

but now, you’re gone,

and i’m never waking up

from this nightmare

we call life.

4. where the wild things are

spent all this time

wishing i was a kid again,

yearning for life

to be simple again,

back to an age

where loneliness

wasn’t so bad

because i had

all these

imaginary friends

to play with,

i’ve never known

how to drive,

but i could definitely sail,

when the going got tough,

it was easier

for the tough

to run away from home,

jump into the boat

and let the river flow.

first time in my life

that i felt like a king,

all these new friends

to play with,

and no brothers

or sisters

to bury me

in my snow fort,

our only forts

are the piles

we sleep in together,

enjoying a wild rumpus

with carol, KW and douglas,

i always liked

alexander the best,

they never paid him

any attention,

and i feel now

what he was

going through.

but even he knew

i was no king,

just a boy

trying to get away,

the pain

was too much to take

at a young age,

and i needed

new friends

i wouldn’t hate,

and even though

i had to say goodbye,

i wish i could’ve stayed,

that soup and cake

might’ve been great,

but nothing truly changed,

i’m growing older

but i’m still carrying

my burdens all the same,

i just hope one day

that i can go back

to being the king

that i once was.

3. 140

a loud and crowded room,

but i feel alone,

starting to wonder

what it was

that made me come to this,

wanted to get

out of the house,

but now i feel like

i should go home,

i don’t know

what’s come over me,

but it won’t go away,

140 on my heart rate,

and my mental state

is decaying

the longer i stay.

it’s almost like

i’m not even here,

i could get up and leave

and no one

would notice me,

i wish social anxiety didn’t exist,

only waited

months for this

and i’m ruining it,

and i’m damned if i do,

damned if i don’t,

whether i stay or go,

i won’t be right,

fade away

like the puff of smoke

flown over my head.

what if everybody hates me?

what if they never

wanted me here

in the first place?

i can’t calm my brain

so i guess i’ll go

lock myself

in the bathroom

and pray nobody

has to come in,

head between my legs,

deep breathing

on the floor,

exactly how i pictured

my saturday night to go,

the only one in the party

who can’t have fun.

what’s wrong with me?

2. drown

thought i found

my love

in this club again,

saw her walking in

with that confidence,

got a face like dua,

body like ava,

baby so enchanted,

you would think

that she was taylor,

but so it goes,

i know it all too well,

my head tells me

what my heart won’t,

that she’s only

a distraction,

don’t start now

because i’ll only

open myself up

to further disappointment.

try to convince myself

i’ve fallen in love

with everyone i meet

to forget how much

i want you,

never had the guts

to admit

you were the one,

you struggled to feel

confident in yourself,

but it was me

who wasn’t brave enough,

couldn’t just say it,

now you’re out

of my life,

never coming back,

i’d throw it all away

for another day,

even though i know

it’ll never come.

so i drown myself

and down the bottle,

be lucky

if i hobble home

safely and with

sanity intact,

if a life with love

is a life that’s lived,

then what’s my life

even worth in the end?

tonight i might

bleed out,

doubt i’m worth

crying for,

but i wish

i told you

everything,

because you’re the one

i’ll be missing most

when i’m gone.

i hope you’ll miss me, too.

1. puppet

you aren’t the one.

you’re not all that.

you call yourself a king?

you’re just a puppet

on a string.

we give you the songs.

go out and sing.

what’s creative freedom?

none of that here.

one more word,

and we’ll replace you.

AI’s waiting in the wings.

you already felt the sting.

we’ll put the weight

of the fallout

on your shoulders.

and you’ll never make it.

you’ll never be able to settle.

perennially underpaid.

the GOAT,

only in your lying mind.

you’ll never get there.

and we’ll spend the time

pulling the strings.

puppet.

dance.

the poetry king preface

it’s so great to see you all again. since releasing my last few EPs, i had believed i wouldn't be releasing any new full-length albums anytime soon. i believed shorter projects and singles were the new way to go. as it turned out, though, inspiration struck, and i’m now back with my 31st full-length poetry album “the poetry king.” this album came as a result of me having too many ideas for other projects. i had so many ideas for new projects, but i took a step back and said “perhaps it would be best to combine all of these ideas into one long album.” i was really inspired to make something that felt like my old poetry albums; a versatile collection of poems that didn’t necessarily *need* a full-blown concept or narrative throughline. just a collection of poems blending many of the styles and tones i’ve gone for over the last six years of writing. i mean it when i say, i believe this is my best and most versatile poetry project yet, and i’m unbelievably proud of it. i hope it leaves as much of an impact on you as it did on me. please enjoy it; i’ve missed you all so much:

1. puppet

2. drown

3. 140

4. where the wild things are

5. one more day

6. therapist

7. happy ending

8. from the beginning

9. dying words

10. the throne is mine