1. what do i matter anyway?

i’m feeling like

the oldest

25-year-old alive,

a quarter-life crisis,

will i even survive?

everything’s so fast,

i just wanna

slow down time,

take it back

to when everything

felt right,

i miss that boy

in high school

who would shine his light

and provide

nothing but positive vibes,

smile on his face

and some words

to motivate,

he was never afraid

of who he was

or what they’d make

of him,

went about his way

and was happy

with himself,

but as the years passed,

his confidence fell,

now i can’t make

heads or tails

of life,

just wanna feel well,

but i’m zagreus

the way i’m stuck in hell,

i just wanna break

the spell

and one day,

feel good about myself.

stood on the scale

and i was scared

of what i saw,

even the seemingly

skinny people

can’t stand

themselves sometimes,

tried to lie

and claim

i don’t got a body

under mine,

all because

i’m terrified

of what i look like,

every time

i look in the mirror,

i wanna hide it,

break down and cry

because i’m never

satisfied with it,

roughly 145

but i still don’t

feel right,

diet and exercise

but i still don’t

have pride in it,

combine it

with the crohn’s

and now my body’s

all in my mind,

friends offer food

and all i can do

is apologize,

why am i like this?

SZA said

“good luck

on them

20 somethings”

i should’ve listened,

‘cause now i’m stuck

looking back

on all the shit

i’ve been missing,

life’s flying

while i’m still finding

my purpose,

am i even worth it?

don’t want ‘em

to be worried

but what would they do

if i wasn’t there?

feeling like i could

disappear

and who would even care?

i know it’s not

what they want to hear,

but it’s all

that’s going on

up here,

wanna hide my face

in shame

‘cause every time

things are going great,

i find a way

to destroy it,

self-sabotage

sending me right back

to this sorry state.

what do i matter anyway?