3. 140

a loud and crowded room,

but i feel alone,

starting to wonder

what it was

that made me come to this,

wanted to get

out of the house,

but now i feel like

i should go home,

i don’t know

what’s come over me,

but it won’t go away,

140 on my heart rate,

and my mental state

is decaying

the longer i stay.

it’s almost like

i’m not even here,

i could get up and leave

and no one

would notice me,

i wish social anxiety didn’t exist,

only waited

months for this

and i’m ruining it,

and i’m damned if i do,

damned if i don’t,

whether i stay or go,

i won’t be right,

fade away

like the puff of smoke

flown over my head.

what if everybody hates me?

what if they never

wanted me here

in the first place?

i can’t calm my brain

so i guess i’ll go

lock myself

in the bathroom

and pray nobody

has to come in,

head between my legs,

deep breathing

on the floor,

exactly how i pictured

my saturday night to go,

the only one in the party

who can’t have fun.

what’s wrong with me?