proud of me (a-okay)

raining outside

but it feels like sun,

cloudy and gray

but i’m a-okay,

last few months

were pretty insane,

so much to say

since i went away,

finally learned

how to heal

from the years

of pain,

reflecting on some days

and learning what

i overcame,

how i escaped

the self-hate

that plagued me,

left me cynical

and jaded,

reclaimed my spark

and found the light

along the way.

pushed through

a lot of dark

to get here,

lost myself

tryna be somebody else

just to impress those

who’d never see me,

chasing validation

from the ones

fated to become strangers,

i let them break

and overtake me,

i chased a love

from others

that i never gave

to myself,

searched within

and found the person

i’d missed,

picked up the pieces

and learned to make peace

with the solitude

on this journey.

i’m a reflection

of every decision

i have

and haven’t made,

i missed some chances

and i’ve made my mistakes,

but i never felt afraid

to admit where i fell,

i’ve worked to be

a better me,

and never strayed

from who i am

for ones who’d

never understand,

explain to me

what shame is

because i don’t know

what it feels like

these days,

i do it all

for the one

i see

in the mirror,

he’s always been enough

and he’s all

i’ve ever truly needed.

i’m proud of me.

writing is my joy

the happiest time of year

for most

is the hardest for me,

overtaken by the cold

and my anxiety,

searching desperately

for a moment

to breathe,

harder to sleep

and i’m begging

for one day

where i feel happy

authentically,

a gift that i can’t find

under the tree,

a spark that brings back

the old me

who found positivity

easy to preach,

give me a reason

to believe,

if only temporarily.

and quietly,

i find my peace

as i write my piece,

sit and let

my written words speak,

explore a side

others don’t often see

and leave it all

on the page,

unleash my raw thoughts

and honesty,

let my creativity

take center stage

as i build a legacy

that will outlive me,

time stops for no one,

but as i write,

the clock freezes,

leaving a mark

that future generations

will feel as they read,

my word will reverberate

for all who need relief

when life’s got ‘em beat.

it’s in these moments

where i find my joy,

like my younger self

with his new

favorite toy,

the anxious nerves

seemed inescapable,

but the clouds part

as i write it out,

my heart

no longer pounds,

and i’ve found

myself again,

release all the pain

i’d held within

and finally start

to heal,

i write what’s real

and find the strength

i’ve been begging

to feel.

writing is my joy.

writing is my joy single preface

https://mattapoetry.blogspot.com/2026/04/writing-is-my-joy.html

a toast to the introverts

take a moment

to rest your head,

you’ve been everywhere

and back again,

so much pressure

on your shoulders

that you’ve forgotten

what it’s like

to live without stress.

wanted to please

everyone so much

that you forgot

about yourself,

tryna gain approval

from people

who’d never be satisfied,

and it makes

you forget

who you’ve really been

all this time.

maybe you’ve become

a homebody,

held back some of you

to protect your peace,

you had to redirect

your energy

back to the vessel

that matters best.

you deserve the life

that makes you happiest,

not the one

they tried to handpick,

it’s not missing out

if what you’re doing

brings you the most

joy.

some of them

may never understand,

but you don’t need them

to believe that you can,

just because they

never supported the vision,

doesn’t mean

you can’t see it.

you can do it

all by yourself,

better than they’ve ever

expected you to,

give yourself a hand,

raise your own glass,

you can win,

even alone,

you’ve got it going

so strong

that you’ll never be lonely

on your own.

let’s have a toast to the introverts.

6. man of the year (bonus track)

ahem…

let me reintroduce myself…

surprise,

didn’t think

i’d make it out alive,

2025,

worst year of my life,

but i survived,

held it in

and swallowed my words

on all that went wrong,

i cried a lot of tears

this year

just to get here,

hid my face

from even those

that have seen it most,

sorry that i’ve been

gone from the world,

mine got destroyed

and i had to put it back,

and i’m still picking up

some pieces

and finding new ones,

waiting for the sickness

to quit overtaking me,

clear my ears

and get back to myself.

but i wanna believe

there’s better days ahead,

a little more time spent

with good friends,

maybe some new ones

if i give myself a chance,

like tyler said,

they thought i was dead,

but i’m stronger

than the one

who spent several months

hidden in bed,

only a few cents richer

but years wiser,

got into a few more fights

than i would’ve liked,

but all i needed

was to treat me

with kindness,

and slowly,

i’ve started to find myself.

still a work in progress,

but i’m starting

to find my peace,

we all need the space

to breathe,

and even though i bleed,

i always find a way

back to me,

there’s always a positive

somewhere in the madness,

and for all the hurt,

there’s always room to heal,

let’s hear it

for the man of the year,

too old

to star on nick,

but i’m young enough

for forbes,

back in my element,

i’m ready for the wins,

and every time i pop out

you know

it’s an event,

9 out of 9,

throw that shit up

for des,

wonder if he sees me

even though we never met,

i’ll carry on that energy

in every way i can,

the king on his throne

and my reign will never end.

5. the new piano man

i’m a walking contradiction,

one minute,

i’m the life of the party,

the next minute,

i’m outside in a panic,

i’m the new piano man

if i could only

brave the stage,

i’m a great singer

when it’s only me,

but all the confidence

leaves at the speakeasy,

yet they still praise me

when i sing out,

i wish i could feel it

when they tell me

it’ll be okay,

i know i’ll feel it

one day,

but this is the hardest

i’ve had to work

to be patient,

time moves fast

and slow

at the same time

as i pray

the silexan

works its magic,

and brings me

some peace.

everybody else’s

got it figured out

and then there’s me,

sometimes,

i feel comfortable

with who i am,

other times,

i grieve the person

that i once was,

and grief never leaves,

it just changes

into different forms,

all at once,

i’m glad i’m not

who i used to be,

yet i look at

what i’ve become

and i hate me enough

for the both of us,

and i try not

to live in it,

but how do you

recalibrate

a brain

that won’t let

the heart

have its way?

i’m sensitive,

feel everything

to the seventh power,

i’m a perfectionist,

stuck on feeling

like i’m falling short,

fixating on things

i wish i could ignore,

and begging to know

what it takes

to be normal,

every morning,

a new discovery

that’s all for naught,

finding dead ends

on the road to nowhere,

and just hoping

for a minute to breathe,

autistic burnout

still breaking me,

but i need

to get money

and pay these loans

before the cyst

on my neck

and the ear infection

gets me,

soon i’ll be happy,

but for now,

they’re in the mood

for a melody.

so let’s give ‘em a song.

4. someone loves me

it’s killing me softly

and it never goes away,

a fumble

i’ll think about

for the rest of my days,

everyone wonders

if i’m scared

of missing out,

but when you miss

your chance

with the ones

you’ve loved the most,

you’re never scared

to lose anything else,

in some ways,

i think i’ve grown,

but i’m still

the same kid

falling hopelessly

for ones i was never

meant to have,

every time

i think i’ve finally

put it in the past,

the scars i thought

had faded

are larger than i remembered.

still think about them

when a love song plays,

and my heart

still skips a beat

when i hear their names,

valentine’s day

feels empty

every time i think about it,

how many other timelines

are there

where i find the one

in the end?

and why is this

the one

where love is never

in my hands?

i’ve only ever been

the one

who helps others forget,

but my memory’s

so good

that i can’t stop

remembering all of them.

can’t live without them

but i sometimes wish

i never met them,

‘cause every time

i’m around them,

it all comes back to me,

and it feels like

it’s not healthy,

wanna give them

the best of me

but all they ever get

is the rest of me,

remain aloof

to try to prove

i’m okay without them,

let my shoulder

turn colder

instead of opening up,

i know that

someone loves me,

but it feels like

our connection

is just never meant to be.

i wish i could believe.