heartbreak prelude

happiest of moments are
still filled with sadness,
i try my best but i can’t
get this out of my head,
she’s still racing through
and i’m shaking as i think
of all that i lost and i’m in
a state of unease, since i
can’t even focus on these
words that i’m writing down.

the emotions usually spill
straight onto the page, but
the only thing spilling now
are the tears from my eyes.
i wish i could just feel better
about it all, and be happier,
but my heart stays shattered,
and just as quick as i’m able
to love and enjoy myself, i’m
back in this state of self-hate,
because i’m reminded of her,
and her, and her, and her, too.

the one who ghosted me, then
the one i pushed away early,
the one i wasn’t enough for,
and the one that i missed
because i was an idiot and
didn’t care when i should’ve.
love and i just weren’t meant
to be down with each other,
and that’s why i’m seated
here, all on my lonesome,
because i just can’t do it.

i just want happiness,
but it won’t come here,
it just runs away and it
points and laughs at me.
and while the world moves
and sings “thank u, next,”
getting over past love, i
cry on my couch and play
“let her go” on loop, since
i see her in my sleep, but
know she’ll never be mine,
and i dove so deep that i’ll
only struggle to feel better.

but this is just the prelude,
bet things only get worse.

cold memories

laying in the cold room
in the back of the house,
tried so hard but couldn’t
warm myself up at all, no
blanket or jacket can get
me back, and the heat’s
gone in this lonely house.

as i lay chilled, i’m
reminded of all the
cold memories i’ve
collected over time,
when i was shoved
to the side, lied to,
told me you’d love
forever and always
be here for me, but
then you’d leave in
a sudden flash, and
years later, i still say
it hurts me, even as
people say “fuck her,”
because i can’t tell
where i went wrong,
how i made you leave.

questioned my confidence
ever since that time, and i
fear the others will soon go.
the cycle seems to repeat,
and as i fall asleep on this
bed, wrapped in the sheets,
another loyal one leaves and
it’s harder to breathe because
i want them to stay with me.
trying not to feel pain, but i’m
powerless in the process, and
i prove to be petulant while i’m
praying now for your presence.

i crave the warmth,
i want the memories
to just go away, but
they haunt as i lay,
and it’s hard to find
comfort in this house,
but here i am now, i’m
heavy in the hatred.
some demons don’t
leave you alone, and
i wish that they would,
but they’re all too cold.

life can be unfair, can’t it?

love

fucked-up world where
all the love is leaving,
and all we have instead
is hatred and turmoil,
but sometimes, it feels
like i contributed to that
turmoil when i didn’t love
as much as i should have.
so much i do regret saying,
i wish i could change it, but
i missed out on the train, and
now i’m stuck here in the rain.

i wish i loved her then
like i miss her now, but
that’s just what you get
when you take their love
and their care for granted.
now i don’t even wanna go
sleep at night, because all
i get here is dreams of her.
didn’t even wanna get out
of my bed today because
my heart hurt me so hard,
i’m not doing so well now.

you always wish for
one more chance, but
sometimes you’re not
blessed with such luck,
i learned the hard way,
don’t let a good one go,
all those sad love songs
were actually right, and
they hit a lot harder now
than they ever did before.
the euphoric summer nights,
bet they won’t feel the same.

but that’s love for ya. it hurts.

11. 2018 (bonus track)

fuck 2018.

lost all my faith,
never be a day
where i can say
“He’s just okay,”
i feel ashamed,
but it’s the way
God’s just made
this shit, hooray!
wants me to die,
why can’t He try
to make my life
a little bit nice
just one time,
oh, Lord on high,
give me the sign,
am i a bad guy?

she said “i’m sorry”
i said “don’t be, i’m
not worth energy,”
twenty eighteen
has been killing me,
seriously fatigued,
fuck me, not worth
being happy, and
i’m not trying to
sound so sappy,
but life grabs me
and it attacks me,
all so fucking taxing,
can i relax, please?

this year’s been shit,
just wanna go get rid
of these evil spirits,
they’ve got business,
they’re all gonna stick,
want to see me dead,
i’m rewriting my script,
i’m fucking tired of this,
He lost all my respect,
good luck getting it back,
2018, never wanna snap
my life on over to that.

yeah, fuck 2018…
end this shitty year already…
happy new year, bitches…

i’m out.

10. i'm not sorry

i’m not sorry
for what i say.
when i write this,
i’m unashamed,
i’m not afraid to
call myself a God
or speak on one
who tried to hurt,
because a writer
isn’t one to push.
too much time i’ve
spent feeling like
i had to say sorry
for the things that
i’ve done and said,
even wrote a poem
apologizing to all,
even if they didn’t
need me to do it.
i’m tired of feeling
like i should just be
afraid to speak and
be honest with you,
this is just who i am.
an anxious and sad
but equally happy
guy who says what
he truly believes and
won’t apologize for
annoying others with
the things i put out.
14 albums in 2018,
you know what i am?
the hardest worker
you’ll ever find, even
when i sleep ‘till 4 pm.
who cares if the world
doesn’t ever recognize?
i’m proud of who i am
and the words i write,
and i won’t let anyone
take that away from me.

i’m not sorry.

9. I am a God

I am a God.

I am YOUR God.

I am the God of
the written word.

I am the God
of the poetry.

I don’t have any
ego complex, no,
I just so happen to
be the God of poetry.

when using my pronouns,
you shall call me “He/His”
instead of saying “he/his.”

thou shalt have no
others Gods but Me.

thou shalt not take
My name in vain.

thou shalt keep holy
the days of release.

honor thy writers and poets.

thou shalt not
kill the art form.

thou shalt not commit
the act of ghostwriting.

thou shalt not steal
another’s words.

thou shalt not lie
in the written word.

thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor writer
or thine own work.

this is My word.

I am a God.

8. say it again

“i’m a platinum artist,
got a platinum girl,
she’s a platinum heart,
it’s a platinum world,
driving platinum cars,
in a platinum ford, i
got a platinum start,
stay platinum? sure!”

haha, nah, cut that shit…

fake stuff, let’s do it again…

taking a second to think
about the rhymes this time,
because i’m trying to find
the right design to remind
these guys that the lines
i write are fine, and i might
just like to go, you know, my
flows are so explosive, rapid,
back to the past, pack bags,
let’s drag it to that, the old,
no holes barred, just go hard,
don’t show scars, rhyme bars,
can’t go too far, words aren’t
the real part, the rhymes are.

if it sounds good, you should
go put that on facebook, the
world’s shook, they mistook,
the rhymes hooked, and now
it’s all booked, won’t care if
stories aren’t there, can’t
share the personal tales,
just let the rhymes flow,
keep it in time, though,
rhymezone, why moan?
fly show, dry toe, shy beau!

sounds dumb, doesn’t it?

i quit with the rhymes then,
the rhythm just filled in, i
still win, yeah, killing this,
triple it quick ‘cause i’m
illing out, spilling loud
feelings, the realest,
appealing, no stealing
lines i’m dealing, yeah.
but i bring it now when
there’s slivers of doubt,
you see what i’m about,
never stuck in a drought,
never chasing for clout
but i am gonna tout that
i’m king with the crown
and i’m not coming down.

haha, that was fun…
not bad to throwback
once in a while, you know…
2018, what a time to be alive…
just hope 2019 ends up better…

alright, i’m off this one.

5. lost a friend

i lost my best friend today.

i never thought
i’d see the day,
but the call from
your mom was
the hardest i’ve
had to receive.
she found you
lying on the floor,
pills around you,
she was too late
to try saving you,
OD was complete
and you were gone.

i’m writing this letter
to say my last goodbye,
but i’m trying not to cry
because i know you’ll
never see these words
i write down tonight.
and i’m fighting tears,
i wish i was there when
they all tried to hurt you.
i couldn’t stand up to them,
i wasn’t able to back you up,
and it’s my fault you’re gone
and i can’t come by to tell you,
“everything will be alright and
those assholes don’t matter.”

so even though you won’t
ever see these words, i just
want to say sorry i wasn’t
there to comfort you then.
tears roll down my face and
i’m sorry i couldn’t be your
shoulder to cry on in the pain.
i’m sorry i wasn’t the friend
you deserved to have then,
the one to get you through
and prove you’re cared for
when everyone else wanted
you to go off and end it all.
i’m sorry i couldn’t save you,
i couldn’t stop the bullying,
i couldn’t let you know how
much you really mean to me.

i’m sorry i couldn’t help you.

7. you got this, girl

i know everything that
you’re going through is
weighing down on you,
and life just keeps on
kicking, never giving
a chance to dance,
you can’t stand it.
just want a second
to feel special, and
it starts to feel like
everyone around you
couldn’t care less if
you’re happy or sad.
you feel so alone and
think no one’s there,
you’re better off gone,
there’s no one to love.

but i promise you are loved.

you’re far better
than you think,
and i’ve seen it,
just caught up in
what he made you
think of yourself,
he tried to rip all of
your confidence and
make you feel lower
than you actually are.
he made you forget
just how to love you,
you felt you weren’t
worth anything at all.

but you’re more than worth it.

you’re strong and brave
and you’re so unafraid,
and you don’t need him
to tell you the opposite.
you’re independent and
a wonder to behold, girl,
and i know that the world
will help you realize that.
don’t be afraid to show off,
you deserve all the praise,
take life at your own pace,
and keep on doing great.

you got this, girl.

6. may i have this dance?

i know they hurt you,
made you feel weak,
they didn’t treat you
the way you deserve.
all of the pain and the
stress starts to rise, and
you feel it’s impossible
to trust a single person,
for fear that they might
hurt you the same way.
but just for this night,
i ask you once kindly,

may i have this dance?

may we have one night
to move together and
forget everything else?
take away the hurting,
forget what they did,
and just be happy now?
you deserve to be loved,
and i want you to make
you the happiest ever,
even if it’s just for one
single small bit of time,
can we do this together?

can we have one moment?

let’s sway back and forth,
rest your head upon my
shoulder and feel safe.
enjoy the magic of it all,
feel comfort in knowing
that we have each other,
and i won’t hurt you in the
same way that they all did.
let me hold you in my arms
as a slow-dance track plays,
and forget those that hurt you,
i promise i won’t do the same.

would you like to dance?

4. everything's my fault

but i can’t stop,
because it’s all
a catharsis, and
as i write more,
it gets better, if
only for a second,
until i realize that
shit just got worse,
and i’ve gotta go
back to the pad
and type out more,
because i’ve gotta
let it all out, but i
just make myself
feel worse, and
it all goes to shit.
words don’t form,
what am i saying?
i don’t even know,
but i do know that
it’s all my fault you
wanna go away, i
can’t try to change
the way you feel,
but it hurts when
i realize that you’re
growing apart, and
i want it all to stop,
go back to before,
but i know i can’t,
it never gets better,
self-hating forever,
i want you here but
i lost my chance and
you won’t come back,
start to feel like i won’t
find happiness like what
you gave me before, so
i just stay on my own,
i know i’m not worth it.

everything’s my fault.

i’m not worth anyone’s time.

3. i'm not worth anyone's time

gimme some time,
i’m wallowing in my
own self-pity again
because it’s all i can
really do when i’m on
my own, here all alone.
who’s really gonna give
a shit about where i go
or what i do or how i live?
everyone’s just waiting to
get out of my life and leave
me out to dry, wouldn’t care
when or where i will die, but i
just sit alone and try not to cry,
no, i’m not worth anyone’s time,
and i don’t need any sympathy,
there’s nobody praying for me,
deity, get it all away from me,
if you mean it, just say it to me,
but i know that you wouldn’t,
never feeling good, i’m rough
wanting to push this up and
feel like i’m good enough but
i know that i’m not, it sucks.
i remember there was a time
where i didn’t have to think
about any of this, but now
the world’s a little darker
and everyone’s starting
to come and go faster,
it’s making me wonder
just how soon others
are going to tell me
to shut the fuck up,
stop writing out all
my damn feelings.

2. rattle

feel like every
good moment
i ever have is
a false climax,
and i’ll just fall
right on back to
what made me
wanna write that.
low point incoming,
seventh this year,
i really just have to
wonder where my
act 3 comes in at.

or what if i’m just
flipping the script
and i’m living in a
cycle where act 3
flips right back to
act 2 and it never
gets a resolution?
act 1 decision was
to live out this big,
hellish nightmare,
fits of anxiety will
all pass one day,
but awfully soon,
a day turns two,
two goes fourth,
onto the eighth
and i just want
to stay in bed.

heart pounds as i
write these words,
any second now,
i’m gonna pass out,
no one’s around but
they aren’t far off,
i can’t calm down,
what if i do conk?
how will they react?
will they tell my mom?
what’ll teachers say?

shit, some strangers
just showed up and
are right next to me
while i’m struggling
to calm myself down.
i’m petrified of it all.
feel like i’ll throw up,
i can’t stop shaking,
i don’t even know how
to form words anymore,
i’m just bashing on my
keyboard, typing things
and it’s going to shit,
today was supposed to
be all perfect, how did
any of this happen now?

i keep changing the name
of this fucking poem now,
one minute it’s “screenplay,”
then it’s “attack,” can i just
call it “rattle” or something?
i don’t even know what i’m
saying anymore, just please
make this stop now, i’m not
even trying to rhyme like i
was at first, and my lines are
just getting uneven right now,
how many times have i said
“now” in this damn poem?
i’m in public having an attack
and this is fucking terrifying,
i hate every second of this,

JUST STOP!

1. here i am again

how can one love
so strong and yet
get no love back?
how do they pour
every little thing
into many others,
and not feel that
same effort, too?
love’s one of those
terrible demons that
never lets you have
things your own way.

why can i not find
my own person?
why does the one
i want to love never
want to love back?
why do i not get to
love them until they
fall out of it with me?
how do they fall out
of love so easily?
what if i get the one
i want to love, but
they just become
too tired of me?
why does love play
all of these games,
and never give me
hope or happiness?

is it love’s fault,
or is it my own?
is love picking me
as a punching bag,
or am i the one that
causes all of this?
am i un-lovable?
will i ever have the
satisfaction of love?
or will it continue to
escape my grasp?
what do i do now?

i guess i just try
focusing on me,
learning to feel
content in my
lonesomeness,
try to enjoy the
company of me,
earn my own love
before anyone else
steals my heart...but,
i’m too used to me.
i spend far too much
time on my own now,
it starts to get dull.
when am i gonna get
that lovey shit people
make a big deal about?

never, i bet.

headspace preface

went with a surprise release on what's my last album of 2018, "headspace." short one, just something to stuff your stockings with during this holiday season. merry christmas, bitches.

the downers: these poems are, obviously, the more sad, less optimistic ones.

1. here i am again

2. rattle

3. i'm not worth anyone's time

4. everything's my fault

5. lost a friend

the uppers: these poems are, obviously, the more happy, confident ones.

6. may i have this dance?

7. you got this, girl

8. say it again

9. I am a God

10. i'm not sorry

11. 2018 (bonus track) - for the first time in the history of my poetry albums, i included a bonus track. i was gonna release this as a standalone single, but it felt like it would be worth releasing alongside the album. basically this poem serves as a wrap-up for what's been the worst year of my life. hey, no one ever said 20 would be easy.

erase

i want to erase it all.

take away the pain,

the evil, the hurting,

remove all the bad,

negative things and

live to my happiest,

never afraid, shamed,

but i can’t do it today.

script can’t be changed,

this all feels the same,

it‘s never alright and

it never gets better,

shit’s on a new level,

i never can settle and

no matter what, i’m

just never enough.

not one to love and

i say that a lot but

it’s all just the truth,

i’m just gonna lose,

everyone’s leaving,

‘tis the season, just

another reason to

hate my own being.

i keep on pushing,

but it’s all so rough,

“smile through pain,”

that’s pretty tough,

attack as i type and i

never feel nice, can i

just have one night to

not feel so uptight?

freestyle writing, i’m

feeling so frightened,

want this all to end,

please never again,

it’s a vicious cycle,

i’ll never escape so

i’ll never feel vital

and never feel safe.

putting on a face?

i feel so ashamed,

deserve all the hate,

no i don’t feel great,

my life’s in a circle,

it’s all in reversal,

i’m just such a mess,

i’m never the best.

i want to erase it all.