wish i missed you

just got your email
last night, told me
you missed me, i’m
hoping cali has been
treating you nicely, i
have to say, seeing
your name again just
made me think back
to those nights that
we had, when you’d
take me out to party
and i’d always be the
designated driver, i’ll
say that it definitely
prepared me for the
day i was placed in
my current position
as an uber driver, so
thanks for letting me
practice chauffeuring.

those were some fun times.

but i wish i could miss
you like you miss me,
something says that
this rekindling won’t
work in the way that
i’m sure you hope, for
as many great times
and happy moments
we had, you left me
at an emotional low
just as often, like all
the times you used
me while you were
lonely, all that sex
was less than fun
when the feelings
were gone, and i
was only filling in
as a temporary fix.

i never stopped thinking
about all of that, because
i’m supposed to pretend it
was nice, and that the sex
was my high, but the pain
became too much to take,
i had to run away to save
myself from falling in, and
in the end, you had to go,
we had our fun, but so too
did we have our pain, and
as much as i want to miss
you, i can’t bring myself to.
all i can do is hope you find
your peace and happiness
way out in the golden state.

i guess that’s my way of saying, “goodbye.”

10. work in progress

those loud, dark thoughts
have finally quieted down.
it takes a lot to get them
out of me, they spent the
day lingering, as quick as
positive thoughts make my
day, negative thoughts can
break it, and even though
i’ve continued to grow, this
is something i’ll never get
over, even when i’m at my
best, the anxiety won’t go
away, so the only option is
to make the best out of it.

i’m still learning how to,
and while i’m getting a
lot better, this feeling is
what it’s like to always
be a work in progress,
i’m always trying to be
better, do better, and
be more comfortable
with myself, i feel like
i have way too many
questions i’m asking
myself, some that i’m
not sure if i’m able to
ask out loud, but one
day, i’ll find answers.

until then, maybe i’ll
go detox, take some
worry off of me and
let the creative juice
flow back naturally,
had so much stress
about the direction
i’d head in, would it
be worth it? and as
i look back on what
i’ve crafted in this
span of time, i can
tell you that it was.
proud to add a new
chapter to the book,
thanks for being so
patient with all this.

that’s 25 albums down.

hopefully many more to come.

9. i'm scared

i’m scared that i’m
boxing myself in, i’m
scared that i’m writing
myself into a corner, i’m
scared that my work won’t
hit like it used to, i’m scared
that the 25th album won’t be
as special as it should be, i’m
scared that i’m not putting out
enough poems, i’m scared that
i’m losing the work ethic that i
had a year ago, i’m scared the
people who enjoy my poems are
getting tired of my excuses, i’m
scared that i’m losing creativity.

i’m scared that i’m a
senior in college, i’m
scared that i’ll never
see some of my close
friends after we leave,
i’m scared that they’ll
just forget about me,
i’m scared that they
already hate me, i’m
scared they want to
leave me, i’m scared
they never cared for
me to begin with, i’m
scared that i’m only
draining their energy.

i’m scared of being 21,
i’m scared of growing
up, i’m scared of going
out into the real world,
i’m scared my art won’t
be accepted by any of
them, i’m scared i won’t
make enough money to
support my mama and
my future partner, i’m
scared i won’t have a
partner, i’m scared i’ll
grow old all by myself,
i’m scared i’ll end up
homeless, i’m scared
i won’t be strong, i’m
scared i won’t be able
to support myself, i’m
scared i’ll get chewed
up and spit back out.

i’m scared.

8. not bad enough

can’t stop looking back
on the days where i had
poems dropping almost
every day, i’d put out an
album, then jump right to
the next one without any
time off, i would drop two
projects in a week while i
was working on the third,
fourteen whole albums in
a single year and then the
fifteenth was written and
ready to go for 2019, felt
like i had something new
for you guys all the time,
but now it’s taking months
to crack these new ones.

i think it’s because i’m
not doing bad enough.
i write when i’m down
and feel like i need to
say something, but life
these days is going well
enough that i just don’t
feel down quite as often,
so when the anxiety isn’t
affecting me as hard, it’s
easier for me to get stuck,
and that’s when i wonder,
“what do i even write now?”

i can’t ill out again and get
mad, because i’m not angry
enough to do it, and i don’t
have much to flex, either, so
where do i take these poems?
as much as 2018 sucked, at
least it gave me stuff to write
about, things i could get off
my chest, but now i’m in this
creative rut, worried that any
poem i write will just look like
a recycled concept, and that
sooner or later, i’ll break under
the weight of high expectations.

i guess this is the life of an artist.

7. how are you?

these days, the one
question everyone
asks when they see
me is “how are you?”
it’s odd to say this but
i just never know what
to say to that, because
i just don’t know how i’m
feeling, i can’t say “good”
but i can’t say “bad,” and
i can’t tell what that means.
i don’t know if i should feel
concerned, or if it’s just a
part of an ongoing process.

one that entails that i just
become satisfied enough
with life that i can handle
the rigor of it without any
exceptionally good or bad
moments, where every day
just feels like a five out of
ten and nothing really tries
to move the needle in either
direction, i keep to myself
away from all the stress of
society, and find just enough
enjoyment in it to keep going.

i suppose i sometimes
want something a little
bigger than this, maybe
a few 10/10 days would
be nice, but i guess i’ve
just created this routine
where each of my days
are bound to be about
the same, nothing bad
enough to complain of,
but not a lot that’ll be
good enough to write
home about, that’s all
just a part of life’s big
plan for me, i suppose.

so how are you doing?

6. back to you

i shouldn’t be
doing this now.
i keep on telling
myself not to do
it, because i said
i wouldn’t, and it’s
not like you’re ever
going to read this,
but it just keeps on
popping back up in
my head, my mom
keeps on asking if
i’ve seen you lately,
i lie and tell her that
i haven’t, but dammit,
every day i wish i never
said your name to her.

she asks me about you
as if you two have met,
and it hurts that it gets
brought up so much now,
because i wish things had
gone differently, i wish that
cooler heads prevailed and
there wasn’t so much anger.
it’s all been blown up so much
that now it’s affecting others
around us, there’s someone i
struggle to talk to and i say
that i’m fine, but she’s been
seeing how distanced i am.

how did we even get here?
was it something i said or
did? was it something you
said or did? did you just get
tired of dealing with me? eh,
i guess i wouldn’t blame you,
i get tired of dealing with me,
too, and i wish for so much:
i wish i could do better and
be stronger through all this,
i wish i didn’t keep writing
this when i said i wouldn’t,
i wish in some way that we
could fix the mistakes and
be friends, and i wish that
the tension would go away,
but, i mean, life doesn’t give
many happy endings these
days, so i guess this is how
i’m gonna be living for now.

happy belated birthday, by the way.
didn’t forget, just never got to say it.

5. we fucked up

i’m still in shock
that we lost him.
four months later
and, despite what
he believed, i still
haven’t forgotten
him, i still haven’t
stopped watching
his old videos and
wondering just how
exciting it would be
if we still got to see
his smile, his spirit,
his ability to make
a bad day better.

we fucked up hard.

behind that smile
was a man crying
for us to help him,
and yet we spoke
loudest with those
clown memes, too
many took him as
a joke, thinking for
some reason that
he just wanted the
attention when he
really had 800,000
people checking in.

the world took him
away from us, but
we didn’t make the
situation better, just
seems like the jokes
only proved the point,
and even if he couldn’t
help himself, the memes
weren’t much help, either.
now we’re left mourning a
man who left far too soon,
social media couldn’t leave
its toxicity to the side for a
moment, and all we’re left
with is the memories of a
better, much happier time.

we miss you, desmond.

4. winning sucks

it always seems like
everybody wants to
be the best, they just
want to be winners at
something, no matter
what it takes or who
they have to beat to
get there, and sure,
it sounds appealing
to be the best at a
thing you’ve put so
much time into, but
i can tell you, it’s not
nearly as good as you
may be led to believe.

i’ve been a winner,
believe it or not, and
there was a time where
people thought i was the
absolute best at what i did,
and you would think that felt
good to me, or that it made me
want to get better, but in reality,
it wore me down, it made me wish
that i’d never gotten good enough
to be seen as the best, and it only
encouraged me to stop practicing.

the more they told me
that they just wanted
me to lose, the more
times i got flipped off
for winning, and the
more times they got
angry with me when
they didn’t win, the
more i just wanted
to hit the off button.
the more i wanted to
pretend i had no idea
what i was doing, the
more i wanted to just
quit and remove this
from my life entirely.
it got to a point where
i said, “fine, you win,”
and gave up on doing
something that, at one
point, was my escape
from the toxicity of life.

because that toxicity seeped in.

and that’s why winning sucks.

3. this world hates you

the older i get and
the more i see, the
more i start to feel
like the collective
heart of the world
gets colder, like it’s
at a point of being
unchangeable, all
that positivity that
i used to spread is
worthless, and the
optimism i once had
fades with each and
every passing day.

sometimes i happen
to realize stuff that i
didn’t notice before,
like the one time that
i was shamed because
i didn’t want to live, at
14, i guess i didn’t take
the time to realize it but
i was put to shame and
i was invalidated on the
grounds that i had such
thoughts. i felt like i was
not allowed to feel down,
like i had to hide all of my
sad emotions behind the
mask of masculinity, and
that i wasn’t allowed to be
weak at that point in time.

that feeling of shame
reared its ugly head at
me once again just over
five years later, when i’d
quit my retail job. i felt like
my life had been threatened
when a customer who claimed
that he had a gun backed me
into a window, i still feel like it
gives me some ptsd, because
i’m honestly shaking and my
heart is racing right now as
i type these words out here.

what hurt just as bad was
how invalid my pain’s been,
since the boss never called
after i left, even though i was
told he would, also some that
i loved weren’t on my side and
thought the way i left was more
important than the fact that my
life could’ve been in danger, and
even now i’ve heard some tell me,
“eh, that’s happened to me before,
it happens in the workplace,” hence
why i remind others not to invalidate
another’s struggle just because you
have one you’ve been going through.

i guess i’m just seeing
proof that this world is
so unsympathetic, it just
doesn’t care about how
you’re feeling, it wants
you to get caught in its
trappings and play into
its demands, it works to
silence you, like i’ve been
for so often, never getting
a say and always being the
one pinned down and in the
wrong, i could scream it out,
but no one would listen to me.

if this is my only way, so be it.

2. pray for the young ones

in my reflection, i’ve
thought a lot about
the young ones, and
though i’ve made it
known that i’m not a
religious person, i’ve
felt the need to pray
for the young ones.
i’ve thought so much
about the position i’m
in, and how it relates
to so many others that
i know, and i can’t help
but pray for their safety.

this year, the last class
i shared the high school
floor with graduated, so
all my former high school
classmates are entering
into adulthood, and even
if i’m not in direct contact
with a lot of them, i pray
they find their happiness
and comfort sooner than
i did, and i hope that life
treats them a little more
positively in their move
to college and beyond.

even more than those guys,
i look and realize i’m now a
senior at an art college, and
as i start taking my last steps
away from the college life, i’m
praying for the ones that are
just walking into it, i hope that
freshman year is more special
to them than it was to me, and
as i enter the real world of art,
i pray for the young artists that
are below me, and i’m hoping
that the teachers who critique
them don’t break their mental
health like that one did to me.

still haven’t gotten over it.

i guess i’m not used to
this feeling of seniority
in my adult years, and
maybe i’m not used to
the pace life is moving
at, because my senior
year of high school still
feels like just yesterday,
yet here i am, realizing
i’m heading to the big,
bad, scary world soon.
the best thing i can do
is hope those below me
don’t have to fear like i
have for the past years.

i’m praying for them.

1. point of no return

lately, i’ve been taking
a lot of time to reflect
on all of this, and that
probably isn’t surprising,
we writers often tend to
be very reflective, but
i’ve had a lot of time to
look at all of my work,
and it turns out that i’m
at the point of no return.
25 albums in, this is the
life i’ve made for myself,
to think of how much my
life’s been flipped around
over the last two years.

back then, it was just
about letting out the
thoughts that no one
got to hear, the fears
that no one thought i
had because i was a
happy, positive guy,
but now, this is my
livelihood, it’s more
than just thoughts
written out, it’s my
art, my expression,
it’s the place for me
to be unabashedly
me, it’s the outlet
that’s saved me
just as much as
it’s changed me.

i’ve written of myself
in a way that i could
never have imagined,
i’ve brought all of my
worst fears, left all of
my biggest beefs, and
laid my baggage out on
a plate for everyone to
see, and i could never
take away a moment of
it, i’m in this until i take
my last breath, through
all the lost friends and
dark times i’ve lived in
and written, there’s no
going back on it, guess
it’s time to embrace it.

no turning back now.

work in progress preface

it took me some time to get here, but finally, my 25th album is ready to go. i decided to call it "work in progress." i had to cancel an album to get to this one, but some of the concepts for that planned album did end up here. it felt good to get a lot of this off my chest, and i hope you guys enjoy reading it!

1. point of no return

2. pray for the young ones

3. this world hates you

4. winning sucks

5. we fucked up

6. back to you

7. how are you?

8. not bad enough

9. i'm scared

10. work in progress

the old me

everybody wants
to go back in time,
relive some magic
part of their life, but
i’d wanna go back to
chat with somebody,
a guy i used to know
but now the image is
fuzzy, i wish i could
go talk to the old me,
before he gets tainted
by the anxiety, wish i
could give him some
advice no one ever
put out, teach him
right before stigma
starts coming about.

i’d like to tell him “yeah,
you’re different, but that’s
perfect on you, they’ll peak
in middle and high school,
don’t mind those fools,”
and i’d tell him not to use
an insult like “gay,” ‘cause
one day, he may say, he’d
take a boy on a date, and
i’d advise him who to steer
clear of and who to trust,
so no one tries to leave my
boy out in the dust, i’d tell
him “people may not care,
don’t fret, because i know
that you’ll end up the best.”

i’d save him from the mess,
tell him to think less, and i’d
foster him so he could feel a
sense of success, and maybe
then he might find that bit of
confidence, couldn’t grasp it
by myself but he would know
the rest, he might laugh at me
if i said he would write one day,
i’d tell him, “boy, trust me, i’ll
be right one day,” that bright
and carefree smile wouldn’t
escape from his face, i wish
i could see him in that state.

i miss the old me.

the story of love

got a story i’m gonna
tell about a guy with
thoughts of love, he
could’ve sworn that
he swore it off, but
the feeling’s been
bubbling up, stuck
on his mind, sitting
duck, but now he’s
here blocking the
box because he’s
got so many on his
mind, feelings that
aren’t reserved for
one, he’s struggling
between quite a few.

there’s the one he’s
having trouble letting
go of, no matter how
hard he tries, placed
so much of his worth
into that one, while he
doesn’t anymore, the
regret for how things
turned out sticks in
his mind, wishes he
could make it right,
even though she’d
like to never speak
with him ever again.

then there’s one who
has the beauty of a
model, with a smile
so perfect it could
light up the world,
they support each
other subtly but he
feels like he’d never
stand a chance, one
so lovely deserves a
lover with confidence,
a quality he’s feeling
he doesn’t possess.

and there’s one whose
personality he just can’t
get enough of, so many
laughs they’ve shared
in so short a time, but
he’s afraid to judge so
soon, especially after
heartbreak loomed so
often before, thoughts
of falling in love scare
him so, he chooses to
remain in seclusion as
the pain could be too
much for him to take.

they always say to
follow your heart,
but how can he go
with it when there’s
the fork in the road?
what’s the approach?
can’t decide if he will
take a leap of faith or
run away, stay in the
solo lane, escape the
hurting that fuels the
anxiety he faces and
hope it doesn’t make
him heartless, turning
away from those that
he cares the most for.
but it’s always eating
at him, he just isn’t cut
out enough to be loved.

and it sucks.

status update

can’t even begin to
describe it, it’s true,
realizing it more and
more, i’m at a point
in my life quite a few
couldn’t get to before,
year number four and
it’s coming at me fast,
time moves in a flash,
i keep pushing forward
and i’m just trying to
keep my head on me.

but i still can’t tell
where i’m headed,
i’m going in every
different direction.
just as confident as
i am nervous, just as
happy as i am sad, a
beautiful mess, elated
and then deflated, i’m
making the best of it,
just can’t tell right now
if i’m great at it, guess
i’ve gotta just stay at it.

hurts that lately, i’ve
been thinking of you,
and i know that i said
i wouldn’t write about
that but fuck this, i’m
back on my bullshit,
started to wish that
pettiness didn’t get
in the way and i want
this to go right back to
what it was before, not
just for you but for those
around, distanced myself
from some surrounding us,
wish things would work out.

guess i felt i should show
what my headspace is like,
give a quick diary entry, not
hold this inside, number 25,
i try and i try, it’ll take a while
to get it right, but my sights
are set on it, i’ll get on it, i’m
planning it, not panicking, so
bear with the slow news weeks,
but don’t look too deep in, you
might have an idea what it’ll be
if you look back in the capsule.

don’t go too far.

10. sorry

i’m sorry.

i couldn’t do better.

i wasn’t good enough.

i messed up.

i pushed you away.

i made you unhappy.

i made you uncomfortable.

i’m such a screw-up.

i made you wanna leave.

i was awful.

i never deserved you.

i’m wallowing again.

i can’t stop myself.

i say i’m doing fine.

i’m really not.

i wish you cared.

i miss you so much.

i wish you came back.

i wish life got better.

i’m sorry.

9. leaving

oh, you’re leaving?

i knew you would.

no one stays long.

why are you going?

is it my fault?

is it your fault?

i should’ve been better.

life’s not fair.

you’re so mean.

why are you leaving?

you won’t even answer?

what are you, a ghost?

i miss you already.

i made you wanna go.

why am i not good enough?

why can’t i be normal?

they all left me.

and now you’re going, too.

i’m just not worth it.

well fine then, leave.

everyone else left.

why don’t you?

goodbye!

8. dead

did i ever tell
you the story?

of my old friend?

well, he died.

it was really sad.

i cried for weeks.

we hung out the
day before he left.

he was so happy.

he told me he loved me.

he thanked me for
being a good friend.

he gave me a big hug.

he usually hated hugs.

it was strange, but nice.

the next day, they found him.

he was hanging.

they looked through his
phone and found a video.

he addressed me in it.

he told me he wanted
me to be happy, that i
was better without him.

but i’m not better.

i want him back so bad.

i miss my friend.

7. war

did you know i
fight in a war?

it’s explosive.

i’m on my own
team, though.

i shoot all of
the cannons.

and i take all
of the attacks.

the battles are intense.

you wouldn’t even
find these when you
play a video game.

but i never really
tell anyone of them.

they don’t even know.

i trust you enough
to tell you about it.

but i bet that you
still won’t see it.

i can tell, but i can’t
demonstrate it to you.

you’ll have to see for
yourself if i’m fighting.

i could be in a battle
right as i’m talking.

i might have just
fired off a shot.

can you tell?

6. pain

everyone loses.

life inflicts pain.

everyone says
it doesn’t hurt.

they’re lying.

no one is happy
all of the time.

they just don’t want
to make you scared.

on the inside,
they’re losing.

you just don’t
see that side.

only they do.

they say they’re
doing fantastic.

but they just lost
their dear friend.

and their grandfather
will leave them soon.

you can see right
through the smile.

they’re clearly faking it.

can’t you see that
they haven’t slept?

life’s taking a hold.

right now, they’re losing.

there’s just too much pain.

5. pills

pills, pills, pills,
pills, pills, pills.

this party is
pretty crazy.

i’m trying a lot
of new things.

i feel a lot better
after the xanax.

is that what molly
really looks like?

there’s so much
going on here.

pills, pills, pills,
pills, pills, pills.

we don’t need
just the tablets.

give me more of
that purple stuff.

come fill up my
styrofoam cup.

i’m having fun.

i never wanna
go back home.

pills, pills, pills,
pills, pills, pills.

there’s a needle.

i’m scared of needles.

but it looks cool.

someone just told me
to go sniff the sugar.

i sniffed it, and
it wasn’t sugar.

pills, pills, pills,
pills, pills, pills.

wonder if mother
will be mad at me.

she might kill me.

if these don’t kill
me first, that is.

i was happy.
now i’m sad.

i wanna do this again.

pills, pills, pills,
pills, pills, pills.

4. fun

this place used to
be a lot more fun.

it was brighter here.

everything was so
much happier, too.

there were a lot of
people hanging out.

but that was a
long time ago.

now, it’s so empty.

and everything’s dark.

i don’t know why.

i wish that i had
an answer for it.

i don’t think i did
anything wrong.

but i don’t think
they did, either.

so i don’t have
a single clue of
what happened.

it was all so quick.

one minute, it’s happy.

next minute, it’s not.

maybe i’m too old
to feel that again.

maybe it’s just not
meant to be for me.

i wish this place
could be fun again.

3. muscles

i have big muscles.

they’re very strong.

but nobody ever
gets to see them.

i hide my muscles
behind my laptop.

typing is the way
i get my workout.

i feel protected
by my keyboard.

it’s the only place
that allows me to
flex my muscles.

i don’t need a gym.

just a computer
or a cell phone.

as long as it has
a keyboard that
i can type with.

i do so many
workouts with
the keyboard.

sometimes i like
to type quickly.

i also like paragraphs.

i used to hate essays.

but now i like typing
them on a keyboard.

i used to lie
in my essays.

i still do today.

teachers don’t read these.

but you’ll definitely see them.

i love having muscles.

2. snakes

there used to be
more people here.

now there aren’t.

they took their
pets with them.

i liked the pets.

they had snakes.

it was weird, but
they were gentle.

they were so kind.

i miss the snakes.

it sounds strange, but
i wish they came back.

i thought they were nice.

did you ever have pets?

what was your favorite?

puppies are cool.

cats are very nice, too.

but i was really stuck
on those old snakes.

i was attached to them.

i wish they had the
chance to meet you.

i miss the snakes.

1. greeting

welcome to my world!

will you stay with me?

we’ll have so much fun!

we’ll talk for hours.

there’s so much to do.

you’ll never wanna leave.

i’m sure you’ll stay.

no one else did.

you seem different.

you look amazing.

i can’t wait to see you!

will you get bored of me?

can we be friends?

you’ll make us happier!

i feel so terrified.

i’m so glad you’re here!

it’s been lonely lately.

you’re a new person.

we don’t get many of those.

you intimidate me.

you bring me joy.

i hope you stay forever.

welcome to my world!

trance preface

this is my 24th album. it’s called “trance.” i hope it hypnotizes you.

1. greeting

2. snakes

3. muscles

4. fun

5. pills

6. pain

7. war

8. dead

9. leaving

10. sorry

10pm in my basement

went and got all my
rhymes out, time to
tell the tale of why i
stepped out, hard to
write when the vibe’s
positive, but my brain
is now moving in every
direction, i try to meet
your expectations, but
i can’t figure it all out,
life’s driving me crazy,
trying to stay in it now.
ladies calling me bae
when they’re already
taken, can’t tell what
to make of it, and the
randos on the web are
sending pics unsolicited,
i couldn’t tell you where
my head is, i’m trying to
run from the side-picking,
‘cause people only go for
the one they’re close with,
i write this out because it’s
the only way i’m heard, i’d
scream into a megaphone
and you wouldn’t know it,
i’m like k-dot, since there’s
nobody praying for me, i’m
my biggest enemy, just like
drizzy, they all want to take
away my energy, all i wanna
do is just release my album,
curve all of the drama but it
feels like they never wanna
work it out, it’s all about the
pettiness and anger and it’s
annoying but i guess this is
just how it is, the party never
ends, it’s a continuous loop
of tension and as everyone is
leaving me, i guess i’ve gotta
learn to party on all by myself.

here goes nothing.

king freestyle

been close to a month
since i’ve checked in,
i bet everyone wonders
where the hell i’ve been,
sittin’ listenin’, everyone
is fillin’ in, paranoid these
people try to paint me like
a villain, man, but i’m just
chillin’, man, turns out i’m
really him, yeah all these
people aren’t ready for a
concept, i can not stop it,
new album dropping, and
it won’t read like this so
curb your expectations,
i’m gonna flip ‘em, grip
and rip ‘em like a hitter,
frankie lindor, don’t look
rich or have the bling but
i’m the king, not a thing
that you can say, no you
can’t rain on my parade,
create these waves, yeah,
i’m the greatest, cannot
hate on what i’m making,
yeah, don’t even need a
beat to make my point,
nope, got iconic bars on
every single joint, yeah,
take my time to craft my
lines, make ‘em sublime,
don’t often rhyme but i’ve
got fire and my mind, it’s
just spellbinding, right?
everybody bow down, i’m
fucking royalty, show me
loyalty, don’t you fucking
toy with me, put you in a
trance, i’m about to do it,
just give a bit more time,
you’ll all like my new set.

yeah, new album coming soon.

stay tuned.

everything gets worse

all that shit they
try and tell you
when they push
positivity down
your throat is all
a bowl of fucking
lies, nothing ever
gets better, it all
gets worse, and
the only people
that live through
the shit are those
that can somehow
numb the pain and
just feel used to it.

i’m losing it all,
friends are gone,
not even comfy in
my own home, and
this family feud has
grown too large, it’s
all stuck, speechless,
can’t seem to find the
light at the end of the
tunnel, and my desire
to go recluse has only
gotten bigger as this
hateful world takes a
massive hold, squeeze
the life out of me and
throw bad news after
bad news every day.

somebody’s placing a
hex on me, it’s making
me wanna scream, i’m
trying not to leave but
i can’t find a way to be
happy, and every time i
start to feel better, i get
hit, like a ton of bricks in
my face, and i’m so tired,
everyone tells me to keep
my head up, but the world
won’t let me get up, and it
just feels like i should just
give up hope at this point.

because everything gets worse.

fuck the fame

no one sees the pain
i cause to myself, they
only see how much i’m
putting content out and
will never hear that i’m
at war with myself. all of
this internet bullshit just
silences my cries for help
because the heartless are
slowly crafting my demise,
to them, i’m just some joke,
only satisfying their desire
to find some good old clout.

fuck the fame, if this is
all it’s good for. even as
i scream it out, i’m just a
clown, they say i’m a fool
who just wants attention
even though i’ve got 800k
on my screen and up to six
clean figures in my wallet.
they’re driving me away, it
grows hard to focus when
the digital world molds us
and makes us reliant on it.

wonder if they’ll get it when
i’m gone. fighting back tears
as i think about those people
who will never cry when i die.
they thought it was for show,
a ruse to inspire memes, but
now i’m taking my last breath.
so much i’m gonna miss, i’m
sorry for all the harm i caused
and all the fear i brought about.

fuck the fame.

closure

i’m waking up and
hearing it through
the grapevine that
some shots are off,
fired in my direction,
someone’s out here
attacking me without
having all the facts,
just slaved off all the
content cops but now
i’ve got some people
asking me to censor,
hold my words back.
not meant to speak
with God, so now i
decide it for myself.

i wouldn’t write it if
i couldn’t speak it.
apparently, they try
to say my words are
trash, worthless but
nobody’s gonna say
it straight to my face,
they’d rather write on
me because they think
i dissed them, people i
have love for didn’t see
it’s a fiction piece, and
they’re trying to catch
shyamalan in the act,
think they have signs
but my sixth sense, it
puts in that overtime.

don’t take my words
for disrespect or go
jump to conclusions
too quick, this isn’t
a diss, i’ve always
got you in my good
graces, but before
you shoot off, don’t
be afraid to check,
i know we haven’t
spoken but i won’t
bite if you ask, not
trying to turn into
enemies, just had
to give a response.

i’m off this one.

cutie pie

i think you are a
cutie pie, just so
beautiful, love but
you don’t feel that
way back, it hurts.
try to find out why,
but i can’t, and i’m
left inside this cell
wishing you didn’t
crush my heart, go
run back to him, the
guy that hurt you so
hard so long before.

is it because you
like the fuckboys?
only living for the
temporary thrill he
gives you? you just
can’t escape from
the simulation, so
you’re settling for
the safe pick, you
won’t find anyone
to be the upgrade,
you’d rather play
with the emotions
of the kind ones
and hurt them?

why did you build
me up? why’d you
lead me on? now
i’m left here alone,
rotting in prison as
i try to figure out if
i was even worth it.
i’m nice, right? my
niceness isn’t toxic,
is it? oh, i guess so,
because if it wasn’t,
i wouldn’t be sitting
here in this cell, huh?

doesn’t that suck.

1am in my living room

i know the world’s
been waiting on me,
wondering when i’m
gonna drop the 24th,
but i’m breaking, got
a lack of productivity,
it worries me, a great
kick off to the summer,
while i watch them all
live it up, i dodge these
calls and struggle with
the work i’m doing, it’s
bearing me down and
i’m frustrated with the
lack of consistency, i’m
wishing i could have the
creativity, but it’s leaving.
saw you’ve been missing
people and i start to wish
that i was one of them, i’m
trying to hide my pain but
i can’t, and every time my
mama asks about you, i’m
at a loss for what to say. i
wish she had a chance to
meet you, she’d be happy.
speaking of, i’m scared my
mama’s getting tired of me,
still can’t help her pay these
bills and she’s always gotta
hear me complain, i know i’m
a pain, wish i could do better.
i’m glad to have her, though,
some people don’t have that
guidance she provides and i
can see it in their eyes, hurts
to watch them go down paths
you wish they wouldn’t, and i
wonder if the energy would be
higher if their mama was part
of their lives in a bigger way.
i’m jumping all around now,
but that’s just what my mind
is looking like at this point in
time, trying to find what i had
fostered in the past, but all the
passion i had is passing away.
i just wanna get it back and try
to drop some albums, but this
time, it’s out of reach, and i’m
feeling like it’s not coming back.
trying my best to grab it, but it’s
like my best is not good enough.

it never is.

5. i'm a loser

3:30 am again, i can’t
find peace, it’s gonna
be another late sleep,
because dreams are
the only place that i
can retreat to as my
escape from the bad
luck of life, and even
though i know all the
moments i saw with
her were fake, i want
to go back to them so
i can pretend it’s okay.

even if i awake and it
makes me feel worse,
the temporary bits of
happiness i get from
them make me want
to go back. even got
to see another friend
that walked away, we
worked it out, spent a
day engaging in that
conversation i’d been
craving, amazing to be
in such a great space.

but so the story goes,
i only find joy in those
dreams, and when i’m
faced with real life, all
i have is my own self,
no friends to cry to, no
lover to cuddle with, no
success to speak of, i’m
stuck to telling people i
am doing fine when i’m
really not: i tell them i’m
great when i’m really just
alone, scared, tired, and
feeling like everything i do
is a mistake and everyone
hates me but won’t say it.

i just feel like i’m a loser.

4. life before

artists hype the fame
but still like to say they
miss their life before it.
still at that “life before”
phase, they tell me to
savor it, because i’ve
got some people who
expect me to give a
payment if i’m ever
famous, like i owe a
favor to any of them.

but even in the phase
i’m in, already started
to miss my life before
all this, look back and
miss the happy matt,
the kid who knew how
to smile through and
never show his pain.
beacon of positivity,
often wish you guys
got to know him then
instead of meeting me,
the cynical sad boy who
can’t control his emotions.

already going through
the motion where i miss
the old me, no one told
me but i know they feel
the same way, he never
felt alone or wondered
if he’d make it through,
kept on going, pushed
forward, no paranoia to
speak of for the happy
boy, but now he’s laying
in bed, self-hating, feels
so lazy, just can’t take it.

i wish i could go back.

3. love sucks

i know i’ve talked
about love so much
before, but it’s just
something i keep on
coming back to, i’ve
just thought so much
about how i’ll never
have it and how i’m
so unlovable at this
point, mom and dad
always tell me they
hope i find someone
special, but i’m bound
to stay alone forever.

because love sucks.

i know it seems angsty,
but i mean it, and if love
didn’t suck, i wouldn’t be
going through the motions
because everyone i’ve ever
liked, i never had a chance
to be with. and if love didn’t
suck, i wouldn’t be sitting up
at 4 in the morning thinking
about how this same person
i’ve been stuck on for the last
year is probably off falling for
someone who’s everything i’ll
never be, and less annoying.

and if love didn’t suck,
i wouldn’t need to write
another poem about it.
and if love didn’t suck,
i wouldn’t be thinking
about how much she
probably hates to hear
even a word from me,
i wouldn’t need to try
and act like i’m fine,
i’d just feel it, but i’m
struggling to get rid of
this, and it hurts to see
how much better off she
is without me and how i
ruin everything between
the two of us, i’m sorry,
i wish she cared to read
this, but i bet she doesn’t.

why am i not good enough for her?

2. fake friends

these days, it seems
like everyone’s trying
to leave, even when i
would plead for them
to stay, instead they’d
throw up the deuces,
say peace and beam.
lately, so many have
walked out that i’ve
lost count, so much
for always being here
for me when i need it.
they’d say it but now
i’ll never believe in it.

lost one that i thought
i could call my brother,
we looked so alike they
thought we were, but so
he goes, and gone too is
the one i had once called
a sister-in-law, i’d thought
she was sweet but now i’m
cut off, it honestly sucks, i
wish them the best, though.
they’re better than the one
who supported these words
but now wants to forget i’d
ever been a part of his life,
pulled the shit i told him i’d
been most scared of, like a
snake slithering down me,
what a way to go out, huh?

and then there’s another
i’ve done things for that
i would’ve never thought
he’d need this early, paid
out-of-pocket to help him
and offered up anything in
a time of desperate need,
but apparently, just wasn’t
enough, and so the story is
told in the same way as the
others: dropped without any
reason, has me feeling like
i’m nothing, never worthy of
the love they’ll give to others,
hope they aren’t faking it to
them in the same way they
did straight up to my face.

because no one deserves that.

1. content cops

social world is crazy,
i usually see nothing
but now i’m running,
catching glimpses of
some hits and i’m just
trying to make sense
of it, but i step off of
my cloud, i come and
get bombarded with
the content cops that
wanna take my soul
but they don’t meet
with me, face to face.

they’re all out here
trying to censor me,
acting like i’m talking
white supremacy but
all i’m posting is some
teases, then they’re all
afraid to speak to me?
this shit is a doozy, i’m
trying to see why you’re
afraid to have honesty,
talk to me if you think i
need it, solves so much
if you were just upfront.

are you really concerned
about my health? or just
what i post? want me to
think you’re here but you
would rather go gossip?
you’d think that a family
would have some loyalty
to not go behind a back,
but apparently, a tiny bit
of common courtesy is a
little too much to ask for
out of people these days.

that’s a shame.

i need to vent preface

here’s my newest mini-album, “i need to vent.” originally, this one started as an EP, but it ended up growing a bit more into a mini-album since i had a little more inspiration. this was one of the more difficult projects that i’ve written. i’ve had a lot to get off of my chest that i’ve held in for a while, and a lot of pain went into writing these ones. i even cried when re-reading them, just because they were that difficult to write. i’m really proud of this project, though, and i hope you guys enjoy it.

1. content cops

2. fake friends

3. love sucks

4. life before

5. i’m a loser

missing you

late at night, my
heart is heavy as
i try once again to
convince myself i’m
fine without you, but
just as i start trying to
convince myself that i’ll
be alright, the memories
come flooding back to me
and i’m yearning again to
go back to the time when
everything was alright for
the two of us, at the point
where i start to lose myself.

for so much time, i’d be
afraid to speak, wanted
it to seem like i was just
fine, but i was never able
to believe my own lies, so
i watch from the sidelines
and i see you, so happy, i
tell myself you’re so much
better without me, and i’m
sorry i couldn’t be the one
to give you what you need.

wish that i was easier to love,
but i’m just not enough, and
i wish i could fall out of this
feeling, but i’m stuck, and it
sucks that i’m going through
this, just missing you as i sit
and wish this would go away,
or that life played this game
in a more fair way, with less
heartbreak and pain, a little
less self-hate and some more
happiness poured on my plate.

here i am again, missing you.

i’m sorry i’m such a bother.

better off dead

all that shit that was
said of me was right.

do i even work hard?

i don’t even make money.

i can’t even drive.

what do i do with my life?

are people even gonna
care what i write here?

another poem like this?

the more i grow,
the worse i get.

no one cares for me.

no one likes my poems.

i don’t like suicide, but
i sometimes feel like i’ll
die and no one will care.

i worry that so many will
just shrug and move on.

i know i won’t do it, but
i feel like i would just be
better off dead, and the
world would be so much
happier without me in it.

and every time i try to tell
myself that’s not the truth,
i just believe it even more.

i feel so vulnerable,
i feel so afraid, and
i’m losing my faith.

i’m scared of growing,
i already feel so alone.

i don’t know if i can do this.

10. 2019

and now, look
where i’m at.

four years later, i’ve
lost much of what i
had back then, and
i can’t bring myself
to believe that i have
my life under control.
there’s no way for me
to mellow out, either,
because everyday i
think about how i’m
not doing enough to
help be there for my
friends, and i tend to
think of how much of
a failure i am, soon to
be 21, got no job and
i waste all of my days
writing poetry no one
will ever care to read.

never thought about love,
but here i am stuck in this
one-sided crush with her,
the one i had a chance to
be with over a year ago, i
blew my shot because i’m
a dumbass and i bet that
she wouldn’t care if i fell
right off and died today.
i try to tell myself i’m fine
but more and more, i see
that i’m lying because i’m
hurting harder and harder.
so many people i could fall
for, but she won’t leave my
mind, and i know that isn’t
so ideal for my own health,
but i just can’t help it at all.

spent my whole life praying
to a God that i can’t speak
to anymore these days, i’d
ask Him to help my friends
but all He would do is hurt
them harder, then started
to do the same to me, just
couldn’t take that anymore.
i don’t regret the distance,
but i can’t help but think of
how cynical i’m becoming
as i enter into adulthood.

beyond paranoid, i just
can’t take my head off
the swivel, freaked out
that i’ll grow alone and
i’ll be forgotten, no one
to ever make an impact,
just that lazy, sad poet
that wrote far too much,
thought he’d be a king,
but could never take a
royal throne, the fear is
taking over, i want all of
the pain to go away, but
i live through it, i try to
hide it, but i just can’t.

i just feel worthless.

9. 2015

even as i wanted to
forget freshman year,
junior/senior was the
time of my life, finally
felt confident and had
the world on my side,
never had a day where
i felt like no one cared,
didn’t have a moment
where i felt invalid, this
was just a perfect era.

awoke every day and
looked in the mirror, i
always had faith and
told myself “i got it,”
i oozed confidence,
never had to look for
validation from others
because i just believed
in myself, inside and out,
emotions under control, i
knew i was the shit, never
needed someone to say it.

and i knew i earned it,
always worth it, even
when i was all alone,
never self-hated as i
was too busy with my
rock band’s comeback,
a year full of happiness,
the blessings fell into my
lap and the gifts all just
kept right on giving, felt
like God had all the best
intentions for me in 2015.

back when life was happy.

8. 2013

some first impressions
aren’t so great, though,
third was no different,
high school started off
worse than i thought,
grades tanked and i
was sick of it, crohn’s
was making it hard to
feel good, could never
socialize and so i had
no friends to hang with,
was all alone, unhappy,
thought that i wouldn’t
make it stop, let it end.

yet, right now, i keep
wanting to go back to
2013, surprisingly, but
that was the summer
of my life, my grades
had fallen to the c’s
but dc, ac, oc were
c’s that could make
me happy, felt like
i could relax, made
youtube videos with
the guys, and i got to
an unescapable high.

even back to school at
year’s end, i felt like i’d
been more comfy, and
maybe it’s because i’d
play so much infinity or
got inspired by movies
but it felt like everything
was flourishing, and so
my creativity would grow,
school paper, writing my
reviews and the teacher
called them perfect, he
would even brag about
me to the others, almost
felt like i was a celebrity.

wow, that was a fun time.

7. 2010

wish i was excited
for life like before,
2010 was the time
i had it all planned.
100 subscribers on
youtube just out of
playing guitar hero,
had to say, was real
great then, before it
wrecked my hands,
will never get back
to that level again.

but that’s just fine,
because 2010 was
one of the greatest
years of my life, the
trip to universal out
in florida, really the
crown jewel of it all,
flew with neutron in
his rocket before the
place was torn away,
and i got to shoot the
aliens with the men in
black, and they let me
remember, how sweet!

or how about that the
movies released then
actually got me to feel
really excited? fresh off
pandora, hatter scared
me but that movie was
pretty sweet, gru came
and deceived at a time
when minions were neat,
the toys almost died but
the owls whisked me off
to ga’hoole right after i’d
said goodbye, chased the
wind and took to the sky.

the decade started so well.

what the hell happened?

6. 2009

new school, new life,
same stupid hair, but
my fears weren’t big
like before, no bullies
to break my mood, i’d
felt more comfortable,
the start of the middle
was so different but it
was nice to finally feel
like i could walk into a
room without someone
trying to hit me, though
homework was a killer,
it could’ve gone worse.

they could’ve bullied
because i looked like
a girl, or because i’d
gather round the tv
for season 3 of nbb,
thought they’d turn
on me for that lone
time that i cheated
during a vocabulary
test and forged my
mama’s signing on
the detention slip.

she still doesn’t know.

but no, they all forgot,
and life moved on, just
in some unusual ways:
carl tied balloons and
flew to paradise falls,
didn’t get what he had
wanted but at least the
movie made us all cry,
nat and alex had their
show cancelled but i
saw them in my city
for just one last time,
penn’s landing, what
a ride in the crazy car.

i kinda wanna go back.

5. 2008

i never wanna go
back to 4th grade,
impressed i made
it out with my life,
i had everybody
bullying me, and
never even told
my mama all the
frustration they
placed upon me.
seems surprising
that a sweet boy
was the target of
so many, but low
and behold, i was.

i won’t go naming,
but i still remember
the kid who always
kicked me when he
had to let me in the
classroom, all those
homophobic slurs i’d
constantly hear them
throw at me, and how
they’d lie and make it
out that i was the one
doing shit to them, did
anyone have my back?
nope, my “friends” had
turned right on me, too.

even the days where i’d
listen to trey songz and
play smash bros. brawl,
all just small moments,
couldn’t get away and i
hated it, started showing
signs of seclusion and i’d
stop talking, they’d notice
but wouldn’t know it was
their fault, caused me to
turn paranoid and never
feel like i was worth it, a
little blip, a statistic, and
no one that would ever be
special to the rest of them.

i can’t believe i made it.

4. 2006

second grade, your
boy was a bit chatty,
mama wasn’t happy
when teachers would
start giving low marks
because i couldn’t keep
my mouth shut, funny to
think about today since i
don’t talk nearly as much.
crazy to look back at that
time when i was so excited
that i never even stopped
to take the tiniest breath.

saving all of it for that one
christmas when i got the
wii, everyone told me not
to hit the tv, didn’t want
controllers to start flying,
and remember to take a
break so you can go for
a joy ride with lightning
mcqueen, he is speed,
was the only car that i
wanted to see, and we
played that old-school
jt and the bad girl riri.

miss times like that, had
not the smallest care, i’d
just go tap my happy feet
when i played that ddr on
the cube with luigi, kinda
easy but it kept me going,
got through it in one day
and i thought i was king.
back when i thought that
i could be royalty, but now
i look in the mirror and just
wonder what i’ve become.

8-year old me was so sweet.

3. 2003

first days in that
magical school
of kindergarten,
wonder if i cried
before i walked
through the door.
least the teacher,
sunny as can be,
made us happy
to be in, and the
days were nice.

karate weighed me
down, but hey, at
least thursday was
reserved for pizza.
the fast food days
felt more special
than they do now,
like a holiday after
a week of learning.
mama took us out
blasting her shania,
singing in the car, i
almost felt like i was
at a massive concert.

moviegoing wasn’t as
frequent as before, and
the video games weren’t
all the rage, but we liked
hitting the arcade at the
mall, too bad it’s all gone.
sitting in the pile with kb
and blockbuster as relics
of a time when happiness
was a new toy you really
wanted to play with, and
sadness only came when
your favorite movie just
wasn’t in stock to rent.

the mall was different then.

2. 2002

pre-school days
like the rugrats,
i liked to think i
was like chuckie,
since i’d always
be afraid, even
my own shadow
made me jump.
funny how little
has changed up.
stuffed animals
kept me company
after a late night
with jimmy jimmy
at the candy bar.

spent everyday with
my toy story 2 and
monsters, inc. vhs’s,
and mama took us
driving, she played
her whitney cd and
i thought that i could
one day be a singer,
or maybe an actor.
listen to those lies,
really thought i’d
have the talent to
even succeed at it.
wonder what young
me would think if he
saw himself at twenty.

he’d probably like the
new video games, but
i wish i could go back
to play what he missed.
swindle with sly cooper,
soak up some sunshine
with mario on the island,
and maybe try to finish
that spider-man game
thirteen years earlier.
he never did pay much
attention to his games
after the very first level.

easily distracted, just like now.

1. 1998

welcome to the world,
it was quite a journey.
but you’re here, and
you’ve got your life
ahead of you, don’t
feel so intimidated.
july 7th, while you
just came to earth,
the power rangers
just flew to space.
but don’t you worry,
they’ll come back.
a dangerous world,
they’ll save it, right?

your first christmas,
celebrate it with your
new friends, blossom
bubbles and buttercup.
maybe if the noisiness
of the theater isn’t too
much for you to take,
mama will bring you
to the mini ant colony
pixar lovingly created,
flik and all his friends
stopped hopper, good
thing, too, since it turns
out he’s a sex offender.

you can’t play the
playstation yet, but
soon enough, you’ll
have your chance to
take that controller
away from your bro.
little do you know a
purple dragon was
born beside you, he
will mean more than
you may yet realize.
until you learn, go
listen to goo goo,
let them know who
you are, even if they
don’t want to see you.

welcome to the world, kid.

coming of age preface

kept everyone waiting a while for this one, but my 23rd poetry album is called “coming of age.” i had wanted to write an album with the theme of nostalgia and growing up to it, and this is what it became. i’m really proud of it and i hope you guys love it as much as i do.

1. 1998

2. 2002

3. 2003

4. 2006

5. 2008

6. 2009

7. 2010

8. 2013

9. 2015

10. 2019

i'm shit

tired of pretending that
i’m happy with the way
life is going, tell you the
only thing i’m king of is
telling the world i’m fine
when i’m really not, but
look at all the faces who
couldn’t give a shit if i’m
good or bad, and i think
they’ll only care when i’m
dead, i’ll get the success
i’ve been shooting for as
soon as i hit the floor, six
feet under the ground and
now the poems will blow up,
roses while i’m here? nope,
i don’t deserve any of them.

all i ever do is scream
about my sadness to
some people who just
don’t want to listen, i’m
sorry i’m a bother, wish
i wasn’t so annoying and
codependent, i’m just too
desperate to find approval
because i don’t like myself
enough to do it, not a good
influence, and as much as i
try to make others happy, i’ll
never be enough for them all.

the digital age creates
our expectations, i see
what everyone’s doing
and i wanna be them,
they’re so happy, life’s
treating them well, but
here i am falling in the
same hole as before, a
lonely, sad, unfortunate
soul that’s not worth the
same as the others, so i
guess this is the way i’m
coming of age, the guy in
the background that won’t
be special or remembered
and will be better off when
he leaves everyone alone,
stops pretending he’s not
disappointing to the ones
he holds in a high regard,
just shut up, matt, no one
wants to listen to you talk.

i’m shit.

i'm fine

so many times, i’ve
tried to hide behind
a smile and tell them
“i’m fine,” wanted to
tell myself it’s great,
especially when she
had left, i wanted to
feel like i was strong,
good without her but
i never meant it, had
to conceal my fear if
i ever saw her around.

they always say that
you have to be strong,
brave and unafraid but
i’ve never felt that way,
maybe that’s why i’ve
pushed so many away,
because i wasn’t strong
enough to be with them
and all i’d ever do is fall.
too sensitive to handle it,
i overthink everything and
i blow it every single time.

guess this is the life.
just sit back and try
to tell them all that
i feel alright, even if
the pain is killing me
inside, because it’s
been decided that
my only way to find
success is if i hide
the hurting and just
pretend that it’ll all
turn out perfectly.

so yeah, i’m fine.

disappear

used to have days
where i wanted to
disappear, run from
everyone and leave
my life behind, see
if anyone would be
sad if i walked out.
even thought that
the only way for my
work to hit would be
to drop dead, and i
thankfully got over
that, but it sucks to
see that others can’t.

some are quiet, and
never telling anyone
about the pain, they
hide it behind a smile,
and it’s a shame that
the happiest ones are
hurting so bad on the
inside, takes so much
to fight through it but
no one went to check,
were they doing okay?
couldn’t see but it was
certainly there, now the
light is permanently out.

some people scream
but no one hears them.
the words echo far but
there’s no answer, and
so they suffer despite
all the signs that get
ignored, the world will
chew up and spit out
without a worry about
if you’re feeling fine or
if the pain makes you
want to take your life.

shame that the earth
won’t care unless you
take it down to that line.
“rewarded in the afterlife”
only means that you can’t
have your flowers while you
are still here to smell them.
all we want is to be happy
and to feel like we matter,
and we can’t have it until
we’re six feet in the dirt?

fuck that shit.

are you here for me?

it’s quiet up here.
what should be a
peaceful time only
makes my anxiety
rise because i’m
stuck on only you.
i see you walk by
and i ask myself
why i even bother
when i know that
you wouldn’t care
if i dropped dead.

so many people that
i could fall with, but
you’re the only one
that my mind circles
back to, and even as
i try to push it away,
the feeling remains
the same, even as
i tell myself about
how little you care
for anything and
everything i do.

i’m wasting my time
because i know that
so many other, better
people deserve you,
but i’m stuck and just
can’t get myself out of
the rut i’ve kept falling
in the last few months.
hate myself more and
more every time i face
the fact that i blew my
chance to be with you.

i just wish you could
be here for me, when
the going gets tough.
i wish i was someone
more important, and
i wish i mattered more
for you in the long run.
but i don’t, and so i’m
always gonna die a bit
inside knowing that i’ll
never be enough, the
good times are gone.

but i’m here for you.

are you here for me?

i'm paranoid!

lately, people ask
how i’m doing, and
i don’t know how to
answer them, i don’t
feel specifically good
or bad, i just feel alive.
i often hesitate to say
how i feel, because i
don’t really feel much,
it’s got me a bit scared,
i think that i’m changing
and not in a great way.

am i becoming
so cynical that
now i just feel
nothing at all?
neither elated
nor deflated, i
just push on in
hope that i can
have a day that
might stick out
a little bit more
than the others?

she told me that
she didn’t want
to change me,
but i think it’s
too late for it.
decent’s just
the best that
i can feel for
a single day,
and i have to
live with that,
nothing more.

i’m paranoid! yay!

for the lost ones

i wanna say a few
words to those who
are battling, can’t feel
what they’re all worth.
seems like too many are
struggling and thinking
they’ve got nothing they
can offer the world, and
i can’t lie, i’m feeling that
in the same way you are,
but i just want to write up
something you can turn to
when you’re lacking belief.

just take a breath.

i know there’s not a
thing that i can say
to permanently end
the pain, but what i
can tell you is that
i’m happy you’re all
here to read these
words on this page.
i know this life can
knock you down in
every way, and you
will have some days
where nothing even
feels okay, but those
are just small pieces
that i promise will get
better if you let them.

you’re strong for how
you’ve pushed forward,
it’s hard to face these
problems alone, and i
know how it feels when
your head plays tricks
to make you think you
aren’t special, but the
bravery you’ve shown,
it’s commendable, and
please, promise you will
never let anyone say that
you aren’t strong enough.

this poem is for the lost ones:
you are absolutely worth it.

10. resurrection

yeah, the king’s back
and for real this time,
this throne is mine and
nobody’s gonna take
the crown away, not
gonna leave you all,
as long as there’s a
soul out in search of
a purpose, i’ll be here
to guide and provide
a light, let them know
they’re not alone, no
matter what they’re
going through, they
have my poems to
turn to for comfort.

struggled for a minute
but i’m concentrating,
now i’m out creating
what i knew i could,
guessing it just takes
some time to get back
in the swing of this, it’s
tough to keep your touch
but now i’ve got it back,
gonna be the king they
been waiting for, you’re
patient, i appreciate it,
thanks for sticking with
me, you’re the greatest,
how can i repay this?

end of 22, but i’m
just getting started,
thoughts are swirling,
now i have ideas, i’m
gonna keep it going,
what will be on 23?
stick around, you’ll
see, it’s a journey
that i’m really glad
to be on, let’s just
keep it pushing, i’m
sitting on my throne,
crown still fits right,
and i’m never giving
up, uh huh, i’m back.

resurrection.

9. perspective

i guess i feel like
i needed to “quit.”

i thought it would
just be a little troll,
but i realize that it
gave me a good bit
of perspective, and
it made me start to
realize the words i
write mean a thing
or two to the people
supporting what i do.

even if it’s me just
hopelessly moping,
repeating the words
i wrote before about
a love that will never
be with me, there is
someone who feels it,
and it really connects,
i just have to know it
and tell myself these
poems are important.

i would leave behind
a lot if i gave it all up,
so many people that
i’ve brought along for
this journey, i couldn’t
leave or forget them,
even the ones who’ve
stopped reading these.
who would i be to stop
and rid myself of what
i love doing so much?

i think it’s time
for a resurrection.

8. my impact

i guess that goes
to show my impact.

sometimes i tend to
forget how much i
matter to everyone.

i tend to not give
myself the credit
i actually deserve.

my words connect
more than i think.

i never realized it
because i lack the
confidence in them.

spend too much time
thinking all about how
much better everyone
else is at this than me.

they rhyme harder,
the rhythm’s tighter.

and here i am, just
writing out the first
thought on my head.

i didn’t really think
it would catch on.

a bunch of words
on a page with no
real pattern at all.

but yet, here i am,
and they all want
me to come back.

i guess that goes
to show my impact.

7. come back

i see messages
like that, and i
start to feel bad,
i just wanted to
say it to see if
anyone would
feel sad if i left,
and now i’ve got
everyone sending
paragraphs and
telling me that the
people who don’t
read are lowlives.

i didn’t think a
harmless troll
would cause a
bit of hostility,
but here we are,
everybody wants
me to come back,
write not for them,
do it for me, even
if that’s how i’ve
been going this
entire time now.

it’s like a bunch of
people are bummed,
“come back and write,
with all your passion,
you wouldn’t just give
all of this up, don’t quit.”
everyone wants to know
if i’m okay, ironic since i
use poetry to help me if
i’m not feeling so great.
but everyone’s thinking
that i’m leaving because
i’m not feeling that good.

i didn’t think they’d care.

6. a letter from a fan

“dear poetry king,

i don’t know if you
will answer us back,
but i just thought i’d
write this to you now.
i wish i wrote it before
you left, but i guess i
waited a little too long.

i just wanted to tell you
that your words meant
the world, and i’m glad
that you put them out.
i know how passionate
you were about these,
and it made you happy
to put out poems, even
if no one looked at them.

i don’t really believe
you’ve left, but if it’s
true that you’re gone,
i hope you know that
your words made us
happy. your bravery
was wonderful, and
i hope some day, you
come back to poetry.
you are worth it, your
work is special, and
i hope wherever you
go to, you just keep
doing what you love.

long live the poetry king.”

5. started to wonder

and i think that’s
why i wanted to
leave, because
i had to ask if i
was making all
my readers tired
of hearing these
same sad things
on constant loop.
it’s how i feel, but
even if it’s real, i
had to ask myself
if it got repetitive.

i mean, how many
times can i write
about a crush that
will never share the
feeling before i get
told to just shut up?
she even told me she
reads those ones, and
i started to ask if i was
only on it because she
kept checking in and i
wanted to give her the
poems she’ll care for.

had to wonder if i
was cracking to the
pressure of others,
writing what i felt
but putting it out
because it’s what
somebody else had
wanted to hear, and
it made me look at
my work differently,
in a way much less
satisfied than i had
been when i started.

i couldn’t write for me.

4. my biggest critic

bet that you can’t
believe i would try
throwing it away.
it almost seemed
like i would have
my creative touch
back, but now i’ve
just given it all up.
and for what? i’ve
heard them all say
i’m done because
the views are going
down and so now,
i’ve had enough?

well, that’s what you’d think.

you’d be right to
talk about a low
view count and
the decline that
i’ve been seeing
since “(untitled)”
dropped, but i
honestly don’t
care about that
too much today.
the numbers are
just stats and i’ll
write regardless
of the number of
people reading.

the sad truth is that
just because i called
myself a king, i never
felt too comfortable
about the nickname
and it only made me
more paranoid with
every word i’d write.
once you are a king,
the standards raise
and everything you
write just has to be
perfect, but i never
felt perfect and i’d
lose sleep at night
worried the words
were getting basic
and repetitive. i’d
say that no one is
harsher on these
words than i am.

i’m my biggest critic.

3. time away

i can’t believe it.

they actually
think i’m dead.

i think i needed a
moment like that,
some time away
to consider the
creativity and
decide where i
could go after
the last album.

that was such a
big moment, and
i just wondered if
this world would
give a shit if i quit,
drop it just like this,
a cold-turkey exit.

it’s like i’ve said,
they really care
when you’re no
longer there, it
saddens them
to see you go,
and the thought
of you being gone
makes them want
to check you out.

i didn’t even think
they would believe
that i was leaving
for a second, but
here we are, the
outpour is strong,
everybody wants
me to stay here.

i can’t believe it.