3. this world hates you

the older i get and
the more i see, the
more i start to feel
like the collective
heart of the world
gets colder, like it’s
at a point of being
unchangeable, all
that positivity that
i used to spread is
worthless, and the
optimism i once had
fades with each and
every passing day.

sometimes i happen
to realize stuff that i
didn’t notice before,
like the one time that
i was shamed because
i didn’t want to live, at
14, i guess i didn’t take
the time to realize it but
i was put to shame and
i was invalidated on the
grounds that i had such
thoughts. i felt like i was
not allowed to feel down,
like i had to hide all of my
sad emotions behind the
mask of masculinity, and
that i wasn’t allowed to be
weak at that point in time.

that feeling of shame
reared its ugly head at
me once again just over
five years later, when i’d
quit my retail job. i felt like
my life had been threatened
when a customer who claimed
that he had a gun backed me
into a window, i still feel like it
gives me some ptsd, because
i’m honestly shaking and my
heart is racing right now as
i type these words out here.

what hurt just as bad was
how invalid my pain’s been,
since the boss never called
after i left, even though i was
told he would, also some that
i loved weren’t on my side and
thought the way i left was more
important than the fact that my
life could’ve been in danger, and
even now i’ve heard some tell me,
“eh, that’s happened to me before,
it happens in the workplace,” hence
why i remind others not to invalidate
another’s struggle just because you
have one you’ve been going through.

i guess i’m just seeing
proof that this world is
so unsympathetic, it just
doesn’t care about how
you’re feeling, it wants
you to get caught in its
trappings and play into
its demands, it works to
silence you, like i’ve been
for so often, never getting
a say and always being the
one pinned down and in the
wrong, i could scream it out,
but no one would listen to me.

if this is my only way, so be it.