4. winning sucks

it always seems like
everybody wants to
be the best, they just
want to be winners at
something, no matter
what it takes or who
they have to beat to
get there, and sure,
it sounds appealing
to be the best at a
thing you’ve put so
much time into, but
i can tell you, it’s not
nearly as good as you
may be led to believe.

i’ve been a winner,
believe it or not, and
there was a time where
people thought i was the
absolute best at what i did,
and you would think that felt
good to me, or that it made me
want to get better, but in reality,
it wore me down, it made me wish
that i’d never gotten good enough
to be seen as the best, and it only
encouraged me to stop practicing.

the more they told me
that they just wanted
me to lose, the more
times i got flipped off
for winning, and the
more times they got
angry with me when
they didn’t win, the
more i just wanted
to hit the off button.
the more i wanted to
pretend i had no idea
what i was doing, the
more i wanted to just
quit and remove this
from my life entirely.
it got to a point where
i said, “fine, you win,”
and gave up on doing
something that, at one
point, was my escape
from the toxicity of life.

because that toxicity seeped in.

and that’s why winning sucks.