behind the scenes: an EP about losing friends back cover mistake

i honestly quite enjoyed the last time i wrote a little behind-the-scenes “postface” on this blog. i honestly might continue to do this with certain poems and projects if i have something to say, provided it doesn’t give too much away.

in this case, i wanted to talk about a mistake i made. a few days ago, i released a new poetry project called “an EP about losing friends.” it featured a few poems i’ve had waiting in the wings for months, and it featured things i had really wanted to say for a long time. and while these poems don’t tend to get many views (which isn’t necessarily my goal with them), i found that this project actually received a few more views than usual. thank you! i’m glad to see others checking it out, and it’s nice to hear that it’s resonating.

that said, after initial release, i made an error that i’ve never made before.

while creating the cover art for the project, the picture i had used for the back cover was one i had already used as the back cover for my last poetry album, “silenced.” for the sake of reference, this was the original back cover for this new EP:

and this was the back cover of my last album:

so yes, it totally slipped through the cracks that i re-used a picture for an album cover. this was a total accident that i did not expect, but if you’re curious about how it happened, i’d like to explain:

whenever i take a picture for a poetry album cover that doesn’t feature my face (such as a wall, a street, or a tree), i tend to delete it once the album cover is made. after all, i would no longer have any use in my phone for a picture of the floor, would i?

however, i somehow must’ve forgotten to delete the picture of the floor after releasing “silenced,” thus it stuck around on my phone longer than it should’ve. it hadn’t even dawned on me that i had already used this picture; it was just sitting on my phone, and i thought “sure, why not.”

it also helps that i was creating the cover at approximately 4 in the morning…the wonders of late-night editing.

as a result, i’d like to apologize for that. while i doubt many people caught the error (especially given that very few people read these poems), that’s an error i shouldn’t have made, and i should’ve been more careful about it.

as a result, i did quickly whip up a new back cover for the project, which is pictured at the top of this post. if you'd like to see it again, though, here it is:

i hope this mistake didn't dampen your view of this project. it's a very important one to me, and i'd hate to have soiled it with a preventable mistake. i apologize for my error.

of course, if you’d like to associate the project with the original back cover, by all means go ahead. regardless of your choice, i’m happy you took some time out to check out my poems. they are such a great outlet, after all.

3. through the grapevine

another day,

another dose of drama,

already questioning my value

to the circle

while it’s shrinking

by the second,

questioning “who’s next?”

as i try to check

if they’re alright,

piecin’ shit together

when i’m learning

through the grapevine,

peelin’ back the layers,

what the hell

will be today’s find?

abstract was right,

sometimes,

it’s so spot on

it hurts,

got to my highest point

but let my guard down

to all this shit

i wish i never learned.

they split my world

into pieces,

feeling like everybody’s leaving

i’m just tryna keep the peace,

but i don’t get

to see ‘em,

it’s the season

of deceiving,

want to be the voice

of reason,

but who the hell

do i believe in?

how the hell

can i reach ‘em?

nobody even

wants to speak,

and the team

is ripping at the seams.

tired of losing

friends in the group

over shit i didn’t do,

like zeus says,

it’s miserable,

things never change,

this shit is pitiful,

everything’s split in two,

and i don’t want

to take sides,

but communication is gone,

they’re cutting lines,

it didn’t have

to come to this,

it could’ve been fixed,

but it’s too far gone,

years of friendship

stripped away,

my friends

saved my life in ’22,

but i wish

they could’ve saved

each other.

i wish it didn’t

end this way.

2. cold

…the night air.

cold, but i don’t feel it.

my mind’s spinning

all too quickly,

what did i do wrong?

distract myself

at the store,

tea and some snacks,

and i’m back

to a place

where things were different.

young and wide-eyed,

believing in the best

before the trauma

kicked in,

fight or flight

every time since.

get to the train,

sad songs

to numb the pain,

oh, how my life

has changed,

i used to think

i’d find a soulmate

but nowadays,

i got love

as a one-way street,

used to put

everyone else first,

but now

i don’t have friends,

i have people

i care about

that pretend

i’m not there,

i got people

i tell my therapist about

so they won’t be worried,

i’m the king of self-sabotage,

my clear headspace

became fuzzy again

in the span of a day.

off the train,

i reach my street,

car flashing down,

what if i keep walking?

move at my pace,

better stop if i don’t

get out of the way…

wait, why am i thinking that?

my night got screwed,

now my brain’s fried

to where the dark thoughts

try to spread their lies?

i gotta get inside.

nurse this bottle

and try to calm down,

got my story straight,

now to slow the heart rate.

the night’s over,

no more pain.

1. alone in an open zone

6:30 pm,

the blue bench,

couple to the left,

did i take their spot?

staring at the green

and the yellow,

afterglow in the background,

and it fades to the blue

and the purple,

hustle bustle

turns to a

quiet tiptoe,

a few more go by,

a lady with a dog.

and then there’s me.

so this is what it’s like

being alone

in an open zone,

my unlucky number,

15 minutes to go,

space starting

to feel liminal,

energy is minimal,

i just sit

and bare my soul,

asking where’d my friends go

as if they were ever

here to begin with,

they’re having fun

without me,

just as it’s always been.

i’m the problem,

i’m the burden,

i hold them back,

it’s my fault.

5 minutes to go.

walls are going up,

security came to tell me,

no more wallowing

in my own pity,

home so early?

how do i explain it?

pain in the pit

of my stomach,

they don’t hate me,

do they?

everything swirling

all at once,

how do i find a way

out of this hole?

guess i’ll make it up

as i go.

for now…

an EP about losing friends preface

it’s been quite some time since we last spoke. i hope life has been treating you warmly. i’m going to be releasing three new EPs, hopefully all during this year. the first of them is called “an EP about losing friends.” the loss of friendship is one of the most disheartening things to me; i’ve had to witness close friends become strangers (or worse yet, enemies) in recent times, and it always brings me great stress and sadness to see it. the three poems on this EP are things i’ve felt i've needed to say, and it feels good to get them off my chest. that’s the beautiful thing about poetry, after all. i hope you enjoy these new poems, and i hope you’re prepared for the new era. strap in.

1. alone in an open zone

2. cold

3. through the grapevine