loneliness,
some people crave it,
they search to be
one with themselves,
to be at peace
and to get away
from the stress
of it all.
but what happens
when being alone
only makes you worse?
anxiety attacks,
they happen
all the time,
and there are others around
that can help you
feel better.
but what happens
when your anxiety attack
hits you at 4 in the morning
when everyone’s asleep?
who do you go to then?
i tried to meditate,
but my heart still races.
simple deep breaths
aren't doing the job.
there’s gotta be ways
to manage it:
can a funny
youtube video
do all the magic?
yeah, that’s better.
a good laugh
was all it took.
sometimes,
the little things
are all i need
to wipe the bad thoughts.
thanks, steve.
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Monday, December 18, 2017
10. bye-bye, puppy
it was time.
the family knew,
after seeing you like this,
they couldn’t have you
living in discomfort.
after 12 years
of happiness
and love,
it was time for you
to cross the rainbow bridge
and go to puppy heaven.
the little boy
got to cuddle with you
for one last time,
his heart breaking
more and more
as he watched you cry,
thinking more and more
that this would be
his last time
with his best friend.
mama came back
to take you away
and put you down.
the young boy
said one final
“bye-bye, puppy”
and saw you off.
he didn’t show it,
he doesn’t cry much,
but it breaks his heart
seeing you gone.
he swears that
he still sees you
on the couch,
right next to mama,
and it breaks his heart
to walk in the house
and not get a greeting
from a smiling puppy.
but he knows
that it’s for the best
that you’re up in heaven
with all the treats
you could ever ask for,
and he knows
that God blessed him
with 12 wonderful years
with the greatest pet
anyone could ever ask for.
but he knows
you were more than just
a simple pet:
you were a family member,
you were his best friend,
and you were a loved one.
he’ll forever miss you
but he can’t wait
to meet you again
on the other side.
you made the world happy,
just as we said you would,
and you brought so much love
to all those around you.
you did a wonderful job,
and we all love you,
cooper.
the family knew,
after seeing you like this,
they couldn’t have you
living in discomfort.
after 12 years
of happiness
and love,
it was time for you
to cross the rainbow bridge
and go to puppy heaven.
the little boy
got to cuddle with you
for one last time,
his heart breaking
more and more
as he watched you cry,
thinking more and more
that this would be
his last time
with his best friend.
mama came back
to take you away
and put you down.
the young boy
said one final
“bye-bye, puppy”
and saw you off.
he didn’t show it,
he doesn’t cry much,
but it breaks his heart
seeing you gone.
he swears that
he still sees you
on the couch,
right next to mama,
and it breaks his heart
to walk in the house
and not get a greeting
from a smiling puppy.
but he knows
that it’s for the best
that you’re up in heaven
with all the treats
you could ever ask for,
and he knows
that God blessed him
with 12 wonderful years
with the greatest pet
anyone could ever ask for.
but he knows
you were more than just
a simple pet:
you were a family member,
you were his best friend,
and you were a loved one.
he’ll forever miss you
but he can’t wait
to meet you again
on the other side.
you made the world happy,
just as we said you would,
and you brought so much love
to all those around you.
you did a wonderful job,
and we all love you,
cooper.
9. weakening
but it was worse
than the cat!
the young boy,
now a college student,
came home one night
and found you whining
uncontrollably.
mommy and daddy
tried to pet you
but nothing would work!
they took you to
the doctor
to see what was wrong,
but they found no pain.
no stroke,
no damage,
no nothing!
they thought you were fine!
but the whining didn’t stop,
and you couldn’t even walk.
it was so bad,
a light breeze
could knock you over.
you had to be carried,
it was the only way
to stop the whining.
and every time
someone held you
in their arms,
you would cuddle closer,
not wanting
to leave their embrace.
it broke everyone’s heart
seeing you like this,
daddy couldn’t help
but cry,
and the young boy,
while he didn’t show it,
wasn’t taking it easy.
than the cat!
the young boy,
now a college student,
came home one night
and found you whining
uncontrollably.
mommy and daddy
tried to pet you
but nothing would work!
they took you to
the doctor
to see what was wrong,
but they found no pain.
no stroke,
no damage,
no nothing!
they thought you were fine!
but the whining didn’t stop,
and you couldn’t even walk.
it was so bad,
a light breeze
could knock you over.
you had to be carried,
it was the only way
to stop the whining.
and every time
someone held you
in their arms,
you would cuddle closer,
not wanting
to leave their embrace.
it broke everyone’s heart
seeing you like this,
daddy couldn’t help
but cry,
and the young boy,
while he didn’t show it,
wasn’t taking it easy.
8. collapse
things got scary
pretty quickly, though.
remember when
you used to
play with the rope?
no longer.
you hardly had
that much energy
because every time
you got wired up,
you’d sneeze and cough
uncontrollably.
sure,
you had your moments
of jumping
all over daddy
and trying to lick
his face,
but you never
played with your toys
ever again.
christmas presents
went from toys
to just bones
and treats.
you loved the treats.
but the toys?
well, we forgot
you even had them!
playful was no longer
the right word
to describe you.
energetic was no longer
linked to your name.
adorable? yes.
playful? no.
you had calmed,
in the same way as…
…the cat.
pretty quickly, though.
remember when
you used to
play with the rope?
no longer.
you hardly had
that much energy
because every time
you got wired up,
you’d sneeze and cough
uncontrollably.
sure,
you had your moments
of jumping
all over daddy
and trying to lick
his face,
but you never
played with your toys
ever again.
christmas presents
went from toys
to just bones
and treats.
you loved the treats.
but the toys?
well, we forgot
you even had them!
playful was no longer
the right word
to describe you.
energetic was no longer
linked to your name.
adorable? yes.
playful? no.
you had calmed,
in the same way as…
…the cat.
7. my best friend
the youngest boy,
now in high school,
gave you plenty of love.
they say when kids
get their iphones,
they ignore
everything around them.
not the young boy.
he used to run
around the house
with the phone,
trying to get
nice pictures
of you.
he would post them
for the entire world
to see you,
and he always
bragged about you
to his friends.
“my puppy is
my best friend!”
he always said
as he showed them
your pictures.
“i miss puppy”
he would say
just minutes
after leaving the house,
or seconds after
you went with daddy
to bed.
you were like
a child to him.
he always wanted
to pet you,
to cuddle with you,
to hold you
in his arms.
you were his best friend.
now in high school,
gave you plenty of love.
they say when kids
get their iphones,
they ignore
everything around them.
not the young boy.
he used to run
around the house
with the phone,
trying to get
nice pictures
of you.
he would post them
for the entire world
to see you,
and he always
bragged about you
to his friends.
“my puppy is
my best friend!”
he always said
as he showed them
your pictures.
“i miss puppy”
he would say
just minutes
after leaving the house,
or seconds after
you went with daddy
to bed.
you were like
a child to him.
he always wanted
to pet you,
to cuddle with you,
to hold you
in his arms.
you were his best friend.
6. attention
oh, we forgot
to mention,
there’s a cat.
the boys always thought
that the cat was mean,
she hid in the basement
and did nothing
but bite and scratch people.
the puppy didn’t like her
that much either.
she would jump out
and just bop him
in the nose.
he was afraid
to even run by that door
because of the cat
always lurking around.
years later, they all
warmed up to
the kitty,
as she turned
peaceful,
even letting the puppy
play with his rope
without getting hit.
little did they know
that she was more peaceful
because her time was almost up.
the kitty had
to be put down,
and now puppy
was the center
of attention.
he and he alone
got everyone’s love,
there was no more competing.
to mention,
there’s a cat.
the boys always thought
that the cat was mean,
she hid in the basement
and did nothing
but bite and scratch people.
the puppy didn’t like her
that much either.
she would jump out
and just bop him
in the nose.
he was afraid
to even run by that door
because of the cat
always lurking around.
years later, they all
warmed up to
the kitty,
as she turned
peaceful,
even letting the puppy
play with his rope
without getting hit.
little did they know
that she was more peaceful
because her time was almost up.
the kitty had
to be put down,
and now puppy
was the center
of attention.
he and he alone
got everyone’s love,
there was no more competing.
5. back
it looks like
it was all just
a quick scare, though.
because friday the 13th,
a day typically associated
with bad luck,
rolled around.
the boys were home alone,
unusual for the time
but that’s how it was.
a knock on the door,
the young one
looked out
the window.
it was dad,
but what’s in his arm?
oh look,
a smiling puppy!!!
he’s all better!
both boys
were overjoyed,
their little tiny
puppy dog
was no longer sick,
and everything was
back to normal!
it was all just
a quick scare, though.
because friday the 13th,
a day typically associated
with bad luck,
rolled around.
the boys were home alone,
unusual for the time
but that’s how it was.
a knock on the door,
the young one
looked out
the window.
it was dad,
but what’s in his arm?
oh look,
a smiling puppy!!!
he’s all better!
both boys
were overjoyed,
their little tiny
puppy dog
was no longer sick,
and everything was
back to normal!
4. sick
things aren’t always
gonna be easy
with the new family, though.
the first vacation
was worse than expected.
the boys had fun
and the shore family
loved you,
you were so sweet
and so fluffy,
and everyone
wanted you.
but it wasn’t all great:
you ate a few things
you shouldn’t have ate,
be it on walks
or when sitting on the couch,
and it all added up.
you got yourself
pretty sick.
it was the first
real scare
for the new family.
you had to go to
the puppy doctor
for the first time.
you wore the cone
of shame
for the first time,
and it hurt the boys
to see you like that.
they came out
with mama
in the rain
to visit you,
and it hurt their hearts.
they already lost two dogs,
don’t take their third!
gonna be easy
with the new family, though.
the first vacation
was worse than expected.
the boys had fun
and the shore family
loved you,
you were so sweet
and so fluffy,
and everyone
wanted you.
but it wasn’t all great:
you ate a few things
you shouldn’t have ate,
be it on walks
or when sitting on the couch,
and it all added up.
you got yourself
pretty sick.
it was the first
real scare
for the new family.
you had to go to
the puppy doctor
for the first time.
you wore the cone
of shame
for the first time,
and it hurt the boys
to see you like that.
they came out
with mama
in the rain
to visit you,
and it hurt their hearts.
they already lost two dogs,
don’t take their third!
3. welcome
and sure enough,
one saturday morning,
along you came
into the new house.
the new member
of a happy family,
and boy, did they love you!
the little boys,
they were overjoyed,
a brand new dog!
they had two dogs before,
neither of them lasted long,
so they were excited
to have a puppy
that they could
run with,
play with,
laugh with,
cuddle with!
remember how
the younger one
reacted?
screaming at
the top of his lungs,
he couldn’t believe it,
you were the most
adorable thing
he’d ever laid eyes on!
they loved you,
more than words
can describe!
you were everything
that family needed
to well-round themselves
even further!
one saturday morning,
along you came
into the new house.
the new member
of a happy family,
and boy, did they love you!
the little boys,
they were overjoyed,
a brand new dog!
they had two dogs before,
neither of them lasted long,
so they were excited
to have a puppy
that they could
run with,
play with,
laugh with,
cuddle with!
remember how
the younger one
reacted?
screaming at
the top of his lungs,
he couldn’t believe it,
you were the most
adorable thing
he’d ever laid eyes on!
they loved you,
more than words
can describe!
you were everything
that family needed
to well-round themselves
even further!
2. home
unfortunately,
things went downhill,
and rather quick too.
see him?
he’s getting married
and moving from this house.
he’s going to live
somewhere else,
in a different house,
and they can’t have
dogs.
“but that’s my owner!
i’m man’s best friend!
he can’t leave me!
where will i go!”
well, buddy,
there’s something great
that’s about to happen!
he’s taking you
to live with
someone else.
a new mommy
and a new daddy,
and they have two little boys
that would LOVE a new dog.
they’ll play with you
and pet you
and love you
and you’ll never
feel alone.
you’ll be
the greatest thing
that’s ever happened
to them!
“ooh! ooh! i like that!”
it’ll be
a christmas miracle
for the two boys
at the house.
things went downhill,
and rather quick too.
see him?
he’s getting married
and moving from this house.
he’s going to live
somewhere else,
in a different house,
and they can’t have
dogs.
“but that’s my owner!
i’m man’s best friend!
he can’t leave me!
where will i go!”
well, buddy,
there’s something great
that’s about to happen!
he’s taking you
to live with
someone else.
a new mommy
and a new daddy,
and they have two little boys
that would LOVE a new dog.
they’ll play with you
and pet you
and love you
and you’ll never
feel alone.
you’ll be
the greatest thing
that’s ever happened
to them!
“ooh! ooh! i like that!”
it’ll be
a christmas miracle
for the two boys
at the house.
1. birth
welcome to the world!
it’s been waiting for ya,
little guy!
we’re glad you’re here!
ready to make
the world happy?
you’re gonna have
that smile on your face
no matter what, buddy!
just bring joy
to all those around you,
that’s what’s gonna happen!
that’s what i thought
before you ripped up
his couch,
used the house
as your toilet
and made a complete
ruckus of everything.
and even when
you smiled,
they knew
you were doing
something wrong.
but they just
couldn’t help
seeing that adorable smile,
so they trained you
to be good,
and follow the rules,
and everything got better.
it’s been waiting for ya,
little guy!
we’re glad you’re here!
ready to make
the world happy?
you’re gonna have
that smile on your face
no matter what, buddy!
just bring joy
to all those around you,
that’s what’s gonna happen!
that’s what i thought
before you ripped up
his couch,
used the house
as your toilet
and made a complete
ruckus of everything.
and even when
you smiled,
they knew
you were doing
something wrong.
but they just
couldn’t help
seeing that adorable smile,
so they trained you
to be good,
and follow the rules,
and everything got better.
cooper preface
i know i just released my second full-length album, but recent events in life caused me to fast-track the release of my third one. this one is simply titled "cooper." it's an album that i made in dedication to my puppy dog, cooper, who just had to be put down after living with me for 12 years. he was the best puppy anyone could've asked for, and this album talks about different points in his life. much like the preface for "what happens," i won't really describe the poems, but i'll give you the tracklisting, since the picture is really small.
1. birth
2. home
3. welcome
4. sick
5. back
6. attention
7. my best friend
8. collapse
9. weakening
10. bye-bye, puppy
Sunday, December 17, 2017
10. i
i fell harder than ever,
at least in my mind.
i said that same thing
at least five times this week.
i didn’t think
i could function,
i felt scared
and disoriented.
i had to run,
it was for my own good,
did i really want
to keep going?
i didn’t.
i wanted to push forward
with better things.
i wanted to do things
that were more fun.
i didn’t want my brain
to be angry at me.
i didn’t want to
fall off my pillar
or go to a place
that wasn’t that pretty.
i wanted to be happy.
i think this will help.
i don’t have to worry
about losing my passion
in a split second
on the clocks
because i can brain storm
despite sleep deprivation
and avoid comparisons
to the machine
while i leave these christmas presents
as the parting gift.
i will make things better.
i promise.
at least in my mind.
i said that same thing
at least five times this week.
i didn’t think
i could function,
i felt scared
and disoriented.
i had to run,
it was for my own good,
did i really want
to keep going?
i didn’t.
i wanted to push forward
with better things.
i wanted to do things
that were more fun.
i didn’t want my brain
to be angry at me.
i didn’t want to
fall off my pillar
or go to a place
that wasn’t that pretty.
i wanted to be happy.
i think this will help.
i don’t have to worry
about losing my passion
in a split second
on the clocks
because i can brain storm
despite sleep deprivation
and avoid comparisons
to the machine
while i leave these christmas presents
as the parting gift.
i will make things better.
i promise.
9. passion
you hear it
all the time
“fame isn’t as good
as everyone makes it
out to be.”
i first thought
they were joking,
why wouldn’t i want
the fame,
the wiki page,
the money,
the attention?
of course,
i was pretty hard-headed
back then.
after all,
do you really want
the fame
to overtake
what you really
care about?
the little things
in life?
the people that
want to see you
succeed?
you wouldn’t
give them up
for a red-carpet,
would you?
all that yearning
for the fame
and the wiki page
stopped being fun
to me.
carrying a camera
trying to convey
a story
just didn’t fit
me anymore.
words on a page,
now that’s more me.
i don’t want to be
the one
who does what he feels
he has to do,
and not what he wants
to do.
i don’t want to be
the one
who feels like
he’s in the wrong place.
i don’t want to be
the one
who gets in
over his head
with something
he no longer loves.
i’d rather be me.
all the time
“fame isn’t as good
as everyone makes it
out to be.”
i first thought
they were joking,
why wouldn’t i want
the fame,
the wiki page,
the money,
the attention?
of course,
i was pretty hard-headed
back then.
after all,
do you really want
the fame
to overtake
what you really
care about?
the little things
in life?
the people that
want to see you
succeed?
you wouldn’t
give them up
for a red-carpet,
would you?
all that yearning
for the fame
and the wiki page
stopped being fun
to me.
carrying a camera
trying to convey
a story
just didn’t fit
me anymore.
words on a page,
now that’s more me.
i don’t want to be
the one
who does what he feels
he has to do,
and not what he wants
to do.
i don’t want to be
the one
who feels like
he’s in the wrong place.
i don’t want to be
the one
who gets in
over his head
with something
he no longer loves.
i’d rather be me.
8. brain storm
what happens
when you want to write
but your mind draws a blank?
when you feel an urge
to speak on something
but you’re not sure what?
are you overworking yourself?
were you too lost
in your thoughts
that you threw together
some nonsense and tried
to make it work,
against all odds?
do you self-destruct?
does your brain just
turn off?
do you lose your passion?
does all that you do
begin to feel
forced?
contrived?
mediocre?
are you really pushing
to do your best,
or are you just
writing things
for the sake of
writing things?
and how do you
bring back that passion?
how long does it take?
days, weeks, months?
can you bring it back
on your own?
or do you need others
to do it for you?
where does the passion start,
and where does it stop?
and is there a way
to make sure it doesn’t end?
because i don’t want it to.
when you want to write
but your mind draws a blank?
when you feel an urge
to speak on something
but you’re not sure what?
are you overworking yourself?
were you too lost
in your thoughts
that you threw together
some nonsense and tried
to make it work,
against all odds?
do you self-destruct?
does your brain just
turn off?
do you lose your passion?
does all that you do
begin to feel
forced?
contrived?
mediocre?
are you really pushing
to do your best,
or are you just
writing things
for the sake of
writing things?
and how do you
bring back that passion?
how long does it take?
days, weeks, months?
can you bring it back
on your own?
or do you need others
to do it for you?
where does the passion start,
and where does it stop?
and is there a way
to make sure it doesn’t end?
because i don’t want it to.
7. comparisons
when you get compared
to someone,
how should you feel?
is it a sign
that you’re as good
as them?
have you reached
a level where
you are their
second coming?
where your idol
now idolizes you
and loves what you make?
or is it a sign
that you aren’t
your own?
a sign that
you can’t be viewed
on your own
and you’re just
another version
of them?
another student
that can’t match up
to the teacher,
to the point where
they imitate
the leader?
or is it a sign
that you’re not good
at all?
they compare you
to someone
that wasn’t
all that great
in the first place,
and your struggle
reminds them of
a previous battle
fought by another?
comparisons,
they’re a beast
altogether.
sometimes they send
the wrong message
and take away
your motivation
for…well, anything.
they create stress
and frustration,
and pressure to perform,
and more often then not,
they suck.
too bad we kinda need them.
to someone,
how should you feel?
is it a sign
that you’re as good
as them?
have you reached
a level where
you are their
second coming?
where your idol
now idolizes you
and loves what you make?
or is it a sign
that you aren’t
your own?
a sign that
you can’t be viewed
on your own
and you’re just
another version
of them?
another student
that can’t match up
to the teacher,
to the point where
they imitate
the leader?
or is it a sign
that you’re not good
at all?
they compare you
to someone
that wasn’t
all that great
in the first place,
and your struggle
reminds them of
a previous battle
fought by another?
comparisons,
they’re a beast
altogether.
sometimes they send
the wrong message
and take away
your motivation
for…well, anything.
they create stress
and frustration,
and pressure to perform,
and more often then not,
they suck.
too bad we kinda need them.
6. the machine
who decides
what becomes popular
in our world?
how far does
the machine go
to dig for
the next big thing?
and when does it decide
when the next big thing
just needs to die down?
is there a switch
that can be flipped
to tell a thing
to fizzle out
or stay strong?
i want to meet
the machine,
i want to ask it
how it works,
and whether it looks at
the feeble creatures
that aren’t developed
and just want
a second of love.
or if it looks at
the thriving beetle
that worked to build
his colony and
still gets the short end
of the stick.
i want to know
where it gets its ideas,
where it decides
who to pick
and how far they go
and where they end up.
does the machine have
full control over
all of that?
or does it let them go
once they take off?
can i pick your brain, machine?
what becomes popular
in our world?
how far does
the machine go
to dig for
the next big thing?
and when does it decide
when the next big thing
just needs to die down?
is there a switch
that can be flipped
to tell a thing
to fizzle out
or stay strong?
i want to meet
the machine,
i want to ask it
how it works,
and whether it looks at
the feeble creatures
that aren’t developed
and just want
a second of love.
or if it looks at
the thriving beetle
that worked to build
his colony and
still gets the short end
of the stick.
i want to know
where it gets its ideas,
where it decides
who to pick
and how far they go
and where they end up.
does the machine have
full control over
all of that?
or does it let them go
once they take off?
can i pick your brain, machine?
5. split second
do you ever stop for a minute
and wonder what happened
to those people you met
and left in a flash?
just someone you happened
to say hi to on the street?
maybe a waiter
at a restaurant
that you never saw again,
no matter how many times
you went back?
you ever wonder
what happened
to that one person
you said hello to,
but never said goodbye to?
the person that left your life
just as soon as they entered?
the chance encounter
that faded away
into the memory dump?
you ever wonder
if that was the person
you would take to the moon
with you?
i hope they’re all happy.
you know,
the people i never said goodbye to?
i hope the woman
that i helped at the store
keeps going to church
and staying positive
in this wild-ass world.
i hope my friends at the store
keep helping her out,
she was so kind and loving,
almost like a second mom.
i hope the gentlemen
who said “bless you” when i sneezed
gets many blessings sent his way,
i hope the kid
who asked me to play with him
when i was on the clock
found another friend to play with.
i hope the lady
with the baby
that wanted my brother
to take her picture
lives a life of love
with the child.
i hope the guy
who scared me
by yelling out the window
of his car
when i walked home at night
got to his house safely.
and i hope the cute girl
that i saw all the time
but never actually knew
found a lover
to keep her warm at night.
in such a short life,
we can learn so much
from split-second interactions.
this is the beauty of life:
the sense of wonder
that comes from
the tiniest of things.
it’s magnificent.
and wonder what happened
to those people you met
and left in a flash?
just someone you happened
to say hi to on the street?
maybe a waiter
at a restaurant
that you never saw again,
no matter how many times
you went back?
you ever wonder
what happened
to that one person
you said hello to,
but never said goodbye to?
the person that left your life
just as soon as they entered?
the chance encounter
that faded away
into the memory dump?
you ever wonder
if that was the person
you would take to the moon
with you?
i hope they’re all happy.
you know,
the people i never said goodbye to?
i hope the woman
that i helped at the store
keeps going to church
and staying positive
in this wild-ass world.
i hope my friends at the store
keep helping her out,
she was so kind and loving,
almost like a second mom.
i hope the gentlemen
who said “bless you” when i sneezed
gets many blessings sent his way,
i hope the kid
who asked me to play with him
when i was on the clock
found another friend to play with.
i hope the lady
with the baby
that wanted my brother
to take her picture
lives a life of love
with the child.
i hope the guy
who scared me
by yelling out the window
of his car
when i walked home at night
got to his house safely.
and i hope the cute girl
that i saw all the time
but never actually knew
found a lover
to keep her warm at night.
in such a short life,
we can learn so much
from split-second interactions.
this is the beauty of life:
the sense of wonder
that comes from
the tiniest of things.
it’s magnificent.
4. christmas presents
christmas comes
but once a year,
and it’s all about
the joy,
the love,
and the family.
but more than anything,
we get excited
for the gifts
that santa brings
to us.
i remember when
i made christmas lists,
“i want that new nintendo system,
or the power ranger megazord,
or a trip to disney world!”
all the things
that santa could bring,
the toys,
the games,
the chocolate,
that’s all i wanted,
but now it’s different,
because the things that i want,
santa can’t bring me.
i want my college bills
to be paid off,
i want people
to stop killing
all the time,
i want my crush
to love me back,
i want my dog
to live forever,
and i want the world
to be happy again.
santa can’t bring me
all of that,
even if he wanted to.
but i do know that
he can bring optimism,
he can bring excitement,
he can bring out
the child within us,
he can make us
forget our problems
and just be happy.
he can bring us together
just for one day
and remind us
that there’s so much
to be thankful for.
so at least there’s that.
but once a year,
and it’s all about
the joy,
the love,
and the family.
but more than anything,
we get excited
for the gifts
that santa brings
to us.
i remember when
i made christmas lists,
“i want that new nintendo system,
or the power ranger megazord,
or a trip to disney world!”
all the things
that santa could bring,
the toys,
the games,
the chocolate,
that’s all i wanted,
but now it’s different,
because the things that i want,
santa can’t bring me.
i want my college bills
to be paid off,
i want people
to stop killing
all the time,
i want my crush
to love me back,
i want my dog
to live forever,
and i want the world
to be happy again.
santa can’t bring me
all of that,
even if he wanted to.
but i do know that
he can bring optimism,
he can bring excitement,
he can bring out
the child within us,
he can make us
forget our problems
and just be happy.
he can bring us together
just for one day
and remind us
that there’s so much
to be thankful for.
so at least there’s that.
Saturday, December 16, 2017
3. clocks
where did the time go?
what happened to
the days of playing
with my toys in
the basement?
the days where i
turned my loneliness
into adventures,
where the red ranger
met willy wonka,
played hide-and-seek
behind the toy box,
and flew on starly
to the magical islands?
where are the days
where the back basement
was locked
and i wasn’t allowed in?
what happened to the times
when i thought there was
a monster lurking back there,
that only came out
when i was away?
or what about the days
where i didn’t care for “love?”
what happened to girls
having cooties?
you play hello kitty,
i play digimon,
and don’t try to hug me!
keep your kisses
away from me,
i don’t want that,
buzz lightyear doesn’t need kisses!
now the red ranger
and willy wonka
are long since gone,
and i can’t remember
if they went in the trash
or in someone else’s hands,
but they aren’t with me.
starly flew away
and the toy box is gone,
in it’s old place,
mere emptiness,
a small void,
a childhood gone.
and there was no monster
in the back basement,
nothing but dust
and boxes.
there’s no lock anymore,
and i can go back,
but what’s the point?
all the fear and curiosity
fly out the window
when the door is wide-open
all the time.
and love is what i yearn for now.
i don’t think kissing is yucky
but i still haven’t tried,
and i like someone now.
a few years late
but i’m feeling what that’s like,
and it’s lovely and scary
all at the same time.
i guess we can’t
turn back the clock
because life
has to move on.
and even though
we want to go back
and play with our toys,
we have to grow and evolve.
why? i don’t know,
i didn’t make life,
but i’ll try my best
to stay positive
and work my hardest
on everything
life throws at me,
and maybe i’ll see
the red ranger and
willy wonka again
when i fly my starly
to the magical islands.
what happened to
the days of playing
with my toys in
the basement?
the days where i
turned my loneliness
into adventures,
where the red ranger
met willy wonka,
played hide-and-seek
behind the toy box,
and flew on starly
to the magical islands?
where are the days
where the back basement
was locked
and i wasn’t allowed in?
what happened to the times
when i thought there was
a monster lurking back there,
that only came out
when i was away?
or what about the days
where i didn’t care for “love?”
what happened to girls
having cooties?
you play hello kitty,
i play digimon,
and don’t try to hug me!
keep your kisses
away from me,
i don’t want that,
buzz lightyear doesn’t need kisses!
now the red ranger
and willy wonka
are long since gone,
and i can’t remember
if they went in the trash
or in someone else’s hands,
but they aren’t with me.
starly flew away
and the toy box is gone,
in it’s old place,
mere emptiness,
a small void,
a childhood gone.
and there was no monster
in the back basement,
nothing but dust
and boxes.
there’s no lock anymore,
and i can go back,
but what’s the point?
all the fear and curiosity
fly out the window
when the door is wide-open
all the time.
and love is what i yearn for now.
i don’t think kissing is yucky
but i still haven’t tried,
and i like someone now.
a few years late
but i’m feeling what that’s like,
and it’s lovely and scary
all at the same time.
i guess we can’t
turn back the clock
because life
has to move on.
and even though
we want to go back
and play with our toys,
we have to grow and evolve.
why? i don’t know,
i didn’t make life,
but i’ll try my best
to stay positive
and work my hardest
on everything
life throws at me,
and maybe i’ll see
the red ranger and
willy wonka again
when i fly my starly
to the magical islands.
2. deprivation
consumed by my own loneliness,
everything around me is a blur.
i search for some warmth
and comfort,
just hoping the fear
will subside.
it only haunts me
further and further,
i feel the need
to run faster and faster,
but there’s no escape,
and i’m afraid to close my eyes,
because this isn’t just a dream,
you can’t pinch me
to stop this,
because there’s no knowing
where it’s going.
for all we know,
it could be behind me now,
taunting, scaring,
no one even knows.
i could be staring at it
as i type these words.
it’s around here somewhere,
and i can’t stop moving
or it’ll take over,
shake me,
push me to places
i don’t even wanna go.
it could break me,
it could disrupt my flow,
but how can i run
when there’s no getting up?
my body won’t stand,
because it doesn’t want to,
it wants to be here
in the solitude,
reflecting
and thinking back
to the good times,
but the beast lurks
and doesn’t like personal space,
it just wants to take mine.
not tonight, please. just go away.
everything around me is a blur.
i search for some warmth
and comfort,
just hoping the fear
will subside.
it only haunts me
further and further,
i feel the need
to run faster and faster,
but there’s no escape,
and i’m afraid to close my eyes,
because this isn’t just a dream,
you can’t pinch me
to stop this,
because there’s no knowing
where it’s going.
for all we know,
it could be behind me now,
taunting, scaring,
no one even knows.
i could be staring at it
as i type these words.
it’s around here somewhere,
and i can’t stop moving
or it’ll take over,
shake me,
push me to places
i don’t even wanna go.
it could break me,
it could disrupt my flow,
but how can i run
when there’s no getting up?
my body won’t stand,
because it doesn’t want to,
it wants to be here
in the solitude,
reflecting
and thinking back
to the good times,
but the beast lurks
and doesn’t like personal space,
it just wants to take mine.
not tonight, please. just go away.
1. the parting gift
“hey, i remember meeting that girl,
she was a knockout,
what ever happened to her?”
well, first of all,
thanks for throwing me
on the spot,
we’re all at the table,
our faces are stuffed,
and now i have to tell the world
all of my business?
gee, how considerate.
and second of all…
…well…
…i don’t know how to answer that…
…what did happen to her?
i don’t even know
what to say:
we were that close,
and suddenly,
poof.
one night together,
it was perfect,
everything was lovely,
even the food.
but after that,
something felt off,
nothing was the same.
conversations?
hardly held them.
emotions?
i sensed few of them.
my presence?
didn’t seem to want it.
but through it all,
i was told nothing was wrong,
and maybe i’m gullible,
but i believed it,
and just assumed all was well,
but things still felt off.
just couldn’t shake it.
i didn’t do any wrong,
did i?
and then i realized
what was going on.
i followed the clues
and i found out
you really didn’t want me.
distraught,
i took out my frustration
on a keyboard,
and it only made things worse.
you said i was aggressive,
and i didn’t believe it,
but for a minute, i was,
and it only fucked things up further.
it wasn’t even about your love,
no, nothing of the sort.
you were one of my best friends
and i didn’t want to lose that,
but now it’s gone,
we haven’t spoken since,
and i’ve learned to accept it.
some friendships
just aren’t meant to be,
you have your plans
and i have mine.
i wish you the best,
and i’m glad that you're happy.
don’t want there to be hate
or anger between us,
i don’t want
to get in the way,
just know that i’m sorry
if i did you wrong,
and i’m always grateful
for the memories we shared.
but now i take my leave,
as i head to the real world
without you,
i was destined for this,
and it’s time to forget.
goodbye, old friend,
sorry to waste your time.
- lovebug
she was a knockout,
what ever happened to her?”
well, first of all,
thanks for throwing me
on the spot,
we’re all at the table,
our faces are stuffed,
and now i have to tell the world
all of my business?
gee, how considerate.
and second of all…
…well…
…i don’t know how to answer that…
…what did happen to her?
i don’t even know
what to say:
we were that close,
and suddenly,
poof.
one night together,
it was perfect,
everything was lovely,
even the food.
but after that,
something felt off,
nothing was the same.
conversations?
hardly held them.
emotions?
i sensed few of them.
my presence?
didn’t seem to want it.
but through it all,
i was told nothing was wrong,
and maybe i’m gullible,
but i believed it,
and just assumed all was well,
but things still felt off.
just couldn’t shake it.
i didn’t do any wrong,
did i?
and then i realized
what was going on.
i followed the clues
and i found out
you really didn’t want me.
distraught,
i took out my frustration
on a keyboard,
and it only made things worse.
you said i was aggressive,
and i didn’t believe it,
but for a minute, i was,
and it only fucked things up further.
it wasn’t even about your love,
no, nothing of the sort.
you were one of my best friends
and i didn’t want to lose that,
but now it’s gone,
we haven’t spoken since,
and i’ve learned to accept it.
some friendships
just aren’t meant to be,
you have your plans
and i have mine.
i wish you the best,
and i’m glad that you're happy.
don’t want there to be hate
or anger between us,
i don’t want
to get in the way,
just know that i’m sorry
if i did you wrong,
and i’m always grateful
for the memories we shared.
but now i take my leave,
as i head to the real world
without you,
i was destined for this,
and it’s time to forget.
goodbye, old friend,
sorry to waste your time.
- lovebug
what happens preface
1. the parting gift
2. deprivation
3. clocks
4. christmas presents
5. split second
6. the machine
7. comparisons
8. brain storm
9. passion
10. i
Monday, December 11, 2017
bing
cover art courtesy of gargoyle pastures
you went and did it.
betraying my trust
as a friend,
i thought you were
on our side,
but you went and did
the unspeakable,
and it hit me like
“bing!”
why did you do it,
and more than once, too?
i had you saved
in my phone
and referred to as
“my dude,”
but now i feel sick
just thinking about you.
don’t you remember
when you told me
that you felt ashamed
that women had to
walk around at night
feeling scared?
but look what you’ve done!
THREE TO FOUR?
it shouldn’t have even
happened once!
but then what was worse,
when the going got tough,
you ran the other way.
dropped off of socials,
didn’t address a thing.
i thought you were smart,
but i was dead wrong,
especially when you came back,
with a sudden name change,
you said you had to
go through your material,
but why?
to sweep it under the rug?
wipe away your past?
feed on the misery
of the women
who have to live
with what you did?
you were once
once of my best friends,
the coolest kid
on the block,
a guy with mad talent
and the brain to match it.
well, i thought you had the brains.
but now i see
the real you,
a wolf in sheep’s clothing,
getting away with your
awful actions.
i hope karma
catches up to you,
because then you’ll have
some justification
for that high anxiety
of yours.
Saturday, November 25, 2017
5. if you're reading this, i love you
i love you.
yeah, you,
the one with the
pretty eyes.
oh wait,
there’s so many
with the pretty eyes!
what about the one
with the beautiful hair?
oh, there’s a lot of them!
all of your hairstyles,
so different,
yet so perfect!
okay, this’ll narrow it down:
the biggest sweetheart:
the one with
the heart of gold.
they say that
only the most special people
have the golden hearts.
wait what?
all of them are gold!
every single one
has that gold heart
they all talked about!
they must all be amazing.
how can i tell
all of these people
that i love them?
or do they figure that out
on their own?
maybe, they don’t need me
to tell them
how amazing they are,
because they have the gold hearts.
you only get the gold heart
when you do good things.
they must’ve done the good things
and they probably know
that they’re loved…
but i’ll say it anyway:
i love you, gold-hearted ones.
yeah, you,
the one with the
pretty eyes.
oh wait,
there’s so many
with the pretty eyes!
what about the one
with the beautiful hair?
oh, there’s a lot of them!
all of your hairstyles,
so different,
yet so perfect!
okay, this’ll narrow it down:
the biggest sweetheart:
the one with
the heart of gold.
they say that
only the most special people
have the golden hearts.
wait what?
all of them are gold!
every single one
has that gold heart
they all talked about!
they must all be amazing.
how can i tell
all of these people
that i love them?
or do they figure that out
on their own?
maybe, they don’t need me
to tell them
how amazing they are,
because they have the gold hearts.
you only get the gold heart
when you do good things.
they must’ve done the good things
and they probably know
that they’re loved…
but i’ll say it anyway:
i love you, gold-hearted ones.
Friday, November 24, 2017
4. you
you’ll probably never see this
and i might be wasting my time,
but i write to express
the thoughts in my head.
my love for you
can’t even stop growing.
every time we lock eyes,
i can’t help but notice
your pure perfection,
your beauty
that just seems to
grow each and every day.
and it’s probably not healthy
to be this in love,
but i’m head-over-heels
and i’m not ashamed.
the littlest things remind me
of the times we’ve spent together:
a simple love song,
a picture on my phone,
such tiny things
warp me right back
to those special moments.
and i’m hopeless,
stuck in a state
of endless devotion,
and i feel like
i’ll never be with you,
but i don’t love easily,
and i’ll probably never find someone
as special to me
as you.
we don’t talk much now,
i don’t want to be in the way,
you have things to do,
as do i,
but i’ll never leave you,
i’m here if you need me.
you’re the el to my mike
and my friends might laugh
because i’m so cheesy,
but friends never lie,
so let me tell the truth:
i’ll give all my love to you.
promise.
and i might be wasting my time,
but i write to express
the thoughts in my head.
my love for you
can’t even stop growing.
every time we lock eyes,
i can’t help but notice
your pure perfection,
your beauty
that just seems to
grow each and every day.
and it’s probably not healthy
to be this in love,
but i’m head-over-heels
and i’m not ashamed.
the littlest things remind me
of the times we’ve spent together:
a simple love song,
a picture on my phone,
such tiny things
warp me right back
to those special moments.
and i’m hopeless,
stuck in a state
of endless devotion,
and i feel like
i’ll never be with you,
but i don’t love easily,
and i’ll probably never find someone
as special to me
as you.
we don’t talk much now,
i don’t want to be in the way,
you have things to do,
as do i,
but i’ll never leave you,
i’m here if you need me.
you’re the el to my mike
and my friends might laugh
because i’m so cheesy,
but friends never lie,
so let me tell the truth:
i’ll give all my love to you.
promise.
3. lips are saved
we’re all too eager
to have that first kiss
and we’ll take it
regardless of the human
on the other end.
we see those
in seventh and eight grade,
lips locked together,
others made fun of because
they haven’t felt that.
kissed less at 19
than some have at 14.
hell, 19 hasn’t kissed at all.
because his lips are saved.
saved for the one
that steals his heart,
not just the first girl
to look him in the eye
and say “kiss me.”
no, his lips are for the one
that he gets to know,
sees as something more
than a pretty face,
the one that
wants to be with him,
sees the best in him,
looks past his flaws
because she needs him.
and he needs her too.
but he’s in no rush
to pluck one off the street,
he’s got his life ahead of him,
and so what
if he hasn’t had a kiss yet?
there’s too much to be happy about
for him to worry
about something so minuscule.
too much magic to make,
too much love to spread,
and one day
19 will meet the one
that he will fall for
and the love will be endless.
he’s excited about it.
to have that first kiss
and we’ll take it
regardless of the human
on the other end.
we see those
in seventh and eight grade,
lips locked together,
others made fun of because
they haven’t felt that.
kissed less at 19
than some have at 14.
hell, 19 hasn’t kissed at all.
because his lips are saved.
saved for the one
that steals his heart,
not just the first girl
to look him in the eye
and say “kiss me.”
no, his lips are for the one
that he gets to know,
sees as something more
than a pretty face,
the one that
wants to be with him,
sees the best in him,
looks past his flaws
because she needs him.
and he needs her too.
but he’s in no rush
to pluck one off the street,
he’s got his life ahead of him,
and so what
if he hasn’t had a kiss yet?
there’s too much to be happy about
for him to worry
about something so minuscule.
too much magic to make,
too much love to spread,
and one day
19 will meet the one
that he will fall for
and the love will be endless.
he’s excited about it.
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
2. birds
one simple school day,
didn’t see many things special…
well except for the birds.
they were flying all over the place,
around campus,
on the train,
in the street,
even on my phone,
and my computer,
it’s hard to dodge.
they held hands,
kissed,
hugged,
laughed,
they were happy,
madly in love,
and i’d be lying if i said
i didn’t want love like that,
i can’t say i don’t long
to hold you in my arms
and call you mine,
but i wonder,
am i ready?
they say to love others,
you must love yourself,
and i most certainly do,
but do i love myself too much?
do i come on too strong?
am i too honest for my own good?
“i like you,”
should i drop it like that?
give it to them right away?
it’s really tough
when you’re a wimp like me
in search of her.
remember that volcano
from the pixar short?
what was it called again?…
lava, that’s the one.
he sang for years
to the one he loved,
but she couldn’t hear
because she was underwater?
i feel that,
that volcano is me.
those nights in my basement
just blasting sad songs,
will she ever hear them?
is she, too, underwater?
when will she come out?
will i be like the volcano
and not find love until
i’m about to drown?
because we don’t grow back like him,
so that love won’t last long.
i’m being really mushy
and some might cry “unoriginal”
but i want to meet her,
and i want her to be the one,
but apparently,
me doesn’t want me
to get into that yet.
ah well,
i’ve waited 19 years
and still haven’t locked lips,
what bad will a few more be?
i promise, i can wait.
Monday, November 20, 2017
1. five different ways
i’ve always wondered,
how can one say
“i love you”
in five different ways
without getting called
“trite?”
how can you
show your affection
without feeling like
you wrote down
the exact same thing?
it’s a challenge i wanted to take,
because everyone needs
some of it.
we live in too much hate
and we feel too much anger,
what’s wrong with a little love?
and it didn’t help me
that when i first got
into this stuff,
i only brought up
the bad in the world,
the bad in myself,
the side of me that
no one really wants to see,
they want me to smile,
they want me to be happy with life,
“happy matt’s a good guy,
he should stick around for the show,
i’d love to know him a bit more.”
so why don’t we
forget all the hate,
just for a minute?
why don’t we go
and tell someone
they mean the world to us?
we don’t have that long
on this earth,
time flashes in an instant,
we might as well
enjoy that time
that someone has given to us,
and love is the first step.
let’s try to say
“i love you”
in five different ways
without any fear
of being repetitive.
well, one down…
all my love preface
my next poetry project is called "all my love." this one was a "mini-album" that would hold over until my next full-length "album." with this one, after "freedom of the verse" was more moody and sad, i wanted to see if i could write an album entirely about love. i wanted it to be a bit happier than the last, and love seemed like the perfect topic to talk about. here's what each poem is like:
1. five different ways - here, i address the question of "is it possible to say 'i love you' across multiple poems without feeling like you're treading the exact same ground?" this was one of the last ones i wrote for the "mini-album," and i knew from the jump i wanted it to be the starter.
2. birds - a story about an onlooker observing others being in love, told through "birds." it plays on the term "lovebirds," and our onlooker watches the "birds" and yearns for the same amount of love.
3. lips are saved - this poem discusses the stigma of having a first kiss. a 19-year old has kissed less people than a 14-year old, but he's not bothered by it because he's abstaining until he finds the right person to kiss.
4. you - another poem written about the person i had a crush on. it talks about being shamelessly in love and being able to fully acknowledge that love.
5. if you're reading this, i love you - i dropped this phrase across my social medias, and this poem doesn't discuss "love" in regards to relationships: it discusses love in regards to genuinely caring for others. it talks about loving the people in your life that are genuinely good, kind-hearted people.
half baked
remember when i wrote that poem
where i randomly capitalized letters
and they formed a Hidden message?
it was pretty Exciting stuff,
but now i Look back
and i Probably wouldn’t do it again.
but Maybe it’s just not for me,
Exactly why i did it, i don’t know,
it’s Possible that i was
just Looking to do something
more Exciting than just
writing About a feeling
or, like, Something
written by Everybody.
but I
don’t Need
anything Extra to help me
go off and Eat while i
write these Dumb little poems
that no one will See,
scroll past and just Leave…
i’m talking about the Exact same thing
that i talk about almost Every day.
i guess it must be really Pertinent in my life.
GOOD NIGHT
where i randomly capitalized letters
and they formed a Hidden message?
it was pretty Exciting stuff,
but now i Look back
and i Probably wouldn’t do it again.
but Maybe it’s just not for me,
Exactly why i did it, i don’t know,
it’s Possible that i was
just Looking to do something
more Exciting than just
writing About a feeling
or, like, Something
written by Everybody.
but I
don’t Need
anything Extra to help me
go off and Eat while i
write these Dumb little poems
that no one will See,
scroll past and just Leave…
i’m talking about the Exact same thing
that i talk about almost Every day.
i guess it must be really Pertinent in my life.
GOOD NIGHT
10. break
well, here we are.
thousands of words
in just over a month, huh?
a lot of different places, too,
some darker than others,
but what a ride it was.
i gained a lot
but lost some, too.
i lost myself,
fell to my worst,
but writing saved me.
i could’ve gone further
if it wasn’t for poetry
being my drug.
and so what
if no one read it?
leaving my imprint
and getting it out
was more important
than the arbitrary “like.”
the world changes around me,
life inspires art,
and my life changed
over such a short time.
i coped through
the written word,
i spoke through my joy,
my frustrations,
my sadness,
and i went down different paths,
all necessary
to get to where i am today.
i’m finally happy,
i’m where i want to be,
no more sadness,
gone is my stress,
the best days are here,
and i’m loving them all.
poetry is just
one of my joys
and i’m glad i had it.
i think a nice break is in order.
thousands of words
in just over a month, huh?
a lot of different places, too,
some darker than others,
but what a ride it was.
i gained a lot
but lost some, too.
i lost myself,
fell to my worst,
but writing saved me.
i could’ve gone further
if it wasn’t for poetry
being my drug.
and so what
if no one read it?
leaving my imprint
and getting it out
was more important
than the arbitrary “like.”
the world changes around me,
life inspires art,
and my life changed
over such a short time.
i coped through
the written word,
i spoke through my joy,
my frustrations,
my sadness,
and i went down different paths,
all necessary
to get to where i am today.
i’m finally happy,
i’m where i want to be,
no more sadness,
gone is my stress,
the best days are here,
and i’m loving them all.
poetry is just
one of my joys
and i’m glad i had it.
i think a nice break is in order.
9. career
so that’s what it’s like
to be dropped like it’s hot.
3 weeks
and i haven’t heard a peep.
i expected a call,
it’s the least you could do.
after all,
the cops were inside,
word-of-mouth said there was a gun,
he was up in my face,
i feared for my life,
shed tears in the back,
but i got out of dodge.
and after all the good times,
good things that you said,
“valuable asset to the team”
my ass.
you’re only loved,
if you go all the way up,
here’s a card
as we send you on your way!
but not me,
hell, i didn’t get a call
asking if i was okay.
almost 9 months
just pissed down the drain,
now i understand
why they talk behind your back.
always thought you were caring,
a good one all-around,
but it was part of your act
just to get me to stay,
spiral down further
in my mental state.
true colors were exposed,
and we’re just statistics,
we’re replaceable
you probably forgot my existence.
just like everything else
that you forgot all the time,
need to talk? days off?
“oh whoops, slipped my mind!”
shit, i’m writing rhythmic again.
i don’t do that anymore,
but it comes to my brain,
because i can’t help but ask,
why didn’t i hear from you?
the emotional stress
was too much to take,
pushed over the ledge,
no i’m not coming back.
seems like you don’t care,
“fuck your feelings, matt,
there’s other college kids
that’ll go right in your spot.”
and i’ll have you know
i didn’t find everything okay,
because bullshit wasn’t on my
shopping list.
i did what i could
and i tried my best
and i wasn’t perfect,
but i owned my mistakes.
leaving was not one of those,
but not hearing from you
after i was promised a call,
now that’s a mistake
that hasn’t been owned.
after almost 9 months,
i think i deserved better,
but you have your plans
and i have mine, too,
so thanks for letting me help
you to throw me away.
good luck to everyone else.
to be dropped like it’s hot.
3 weeks
and i haven’t heard a peep.
i expected a call,
it’s the least you could do.
after all,
the cops were inside,
word-of-mouth said there was a gun,
he was up in my face,
i feared for my life,
shed tears in the back,
but i got out of dodge.
and after all the good times,
good things that you said,
“valuable asset to the team”
my ass.
you’re only loved,
if you go all the way up,
here’s a card
as we send you on your way!
but not me,
hell, i didn’t get a call
asking if i was okay.
almost 9 months
just pissed down the drain,
now i understand
why they talk behind your back.
always thought you were caring,
a good one all-around,
but it was part of your act
just to get me to stay,
spiral down further
in my mental state.
true colors were exposed,
and we’re just statistics,
we’re replaceable
you probably forgot my existence.
just like everything else
that you forgot all the time,
need to talk? days off?
“oh whoops, slipped my mind!”
shit, i’m writing rhythmic again.
i don’t do that anymore,
but it comes to my brain,
because i can’t help but ask,
why didn’t i hear from you?
the emotional stress
was too much to take,
pushed over the ledge,
no i’m not coming back.
seems like you don’t care,
“fuck your feelings, matt,
there’s other college kids
that’ll go right in your spot.”
and i’ll have you know
i didn’t find everything okay,
because bullshit wasn’t on my
shopping list.
i did what i could
and i tried my best
and i wasn’t perfect,
but i owned my mistakes.
leaving was not one of those,
but not hearing from you
after i was promised a call,
now that’s a mistake
that hasn’t been owned.
after almost 9 months,
i think i deserved better,
but you have your plans
and i have mine, too,
so thanks for letting me help
you to throw me away.
good luck to everyone else.
8. happy matt's back
you miss me?
yeah, i did too.
i was off in a dark place,
not sure what to think.
life just got me down,
overthinking was destroying me,
slowly but surely,
i was heading where i didn’t want to go.
and i’ll admit,
i’m still tired,
there’s still some things
that need to be done,
some changes to make,
but i’ll do what i do,
because i’m where i want to be,
i’m stress-free,
and best of all,
i’m happy.
they say you gotta hit rock bottom
to know how it feels,
and i was right there,
my lowest possible point.
the positivity wasn’t there,
the pessimist came out,
i wasn’t myself,
and you can tell.
but i just needed time
to breathe,
to stay calm,
to motivate myself,
to look on the bright side,
and know that it’ll be alright.
i had people,
they helped me out,
they kept me happy,
made me smile,
brought out the laughs,
lifted me up
when the world wanted me down,
and they might never know
how much they helped,
but thank you guys
for bringing me back
and keeping me strong.
happy matt’s back.
yeah, i did too.
i was off in a dark place,
not sure what to think.
life just got me down,
overthinking was destroying me,
slowly but surely,
i was heading where i didn’t want to go.
and i’ll admit,
i’m still tired,
there’s still some things
that need to be done,
some changes to make,
but i’ll do what i do,
because i’m where i want to be,
i’m stress-free,
and best of all,
i’m happy.
they say you gotta hit rock bottom
to know how it feels,
and i was right there,
my lowest possible point.
the positivity wasn’t there,
the pessimist came out,
i wasn’t myself,
and you can tell.
but i just needed time
to breathe,
to stay calm,
to motivate myself,
to look on the bright side,
and know that it’ll be alright.
i had people,
they helped me out,
they kept me happy,
made me smile,
brought out the laughs,
lifted me up
when the world wanted me down,
and they might never know
how much they helped,
but thank you guys
for bringing me back
and keeping me strong.
happy matt’s back.
7. no likes
fuck those rhymes.
all just cheesy shit,
not from the heart,
first thing to pop up
and i jot down
this ridiculous plot
where a bunch of random words
just happen to make sense.
do the words i write
really have meaning
when they’re thrown together like that?
why do you think i changed my game?
can’t just keep rhyming words
and thinking i’m being clever
when all i’m doing
is writing nonsense
that no one will read.
and the few that do read it
will just think i’m a clone
of a man we call slim
and i’m not trying to be shady
‘cause he’s on another level
that i’ll never match.
because i’m not him.
free-verse gives me a better platform
to have some clarity,
to be honest,
to be real,
to share my emotions,
to be unapologetically me,
and, for once in my life,
not follow the rules.
we express ourselves differently.
i could write paragraphs about this,
but poetry feels right.
and even still,
very few will read these words,
but that’s okay.
i’m the founder of the “no likes club,”
so what’s one more post
with zero likes
gonna do to me?
well…
all just cheesy shit,
not from the heart,
first thing to pop up
and i jot down
this ridiculous plot
where a bunch of random words
just happen to make sense.
do the words i write
really have meaning
when they’re thrown together like that?
why do you think i changed my game?
can’t just keep rhyming words
and thinking i’m being clever
when all i’m doing
is writing nonsense
that no one will read.
and the few that do read it
will just think i’m a clone
of a man we call slim
and i’m not trying to be shady
‘cause he’s on another level
that i’ll never match.
because i’m not him.
free-verse gives me a better platform
to have some clarity,
to be honest,
to be real,
to share my emotions,
to be unapologetically me,
and, for once in my life,
not follow the rules.
we express ourselves differently.
i could write paragraphs about this,
but poetry feels right.
and even still,
very few will read these words,
but that’s okay.
i’m the founder of the “no likes club,”
so what’s one more post
with zero likes
gonna do to me?
well…
6. my dear
you grabbed my heart and never let go.
how you went from friend to crush in a year i’ll never know.
you won me over, you were so perfect.
your good intentions, your sweetness, your purity,
i was drawn in.
we were just kids making some films,
loving art, loving life,
and then you got me,
one magical night
was all it took.
i fell for you,
you were beautiful,
inside and out,
those beautiful eyes,
your perfect smile,
your gorgeous hair,
your lovely voice,
your heart of gold.
pure perfection.
but could it be a fluke?
was it the heat of the moment?
did i really like you that much?
weren’t you just a friend?
how could i know if my heart
was playing tricks?
one more night
was what it took.
make special plans once more,
see if this was how i felt,
or if my heart was just being funny.
it wasn’t.
i did it.
i fell in love.
i never thought i would.
i’ve had crushes before,
but none as big as this.
everything about you
was wonderful,
not a single flaw, and that’s hard to do.
i loved you.
i’d never thought about relationships before,
i didn’t want to commit,
there was too much stress,
i never found the right person,
so i thought.
it just turns out that the right person
was there all along.
i just didn’t see it.
but then i felt it,
you were the one,
you brought me happiness in ways
few others have before.
i loved you so much.
but you weren’t ready,
you didn’t want to commit,
you didn’t want a relationship yet,
and that’s fine,
i’m glad we’re still friends,
and things have stayed strong.
but i still shake
and my heart still races
when i see you around.
and i might be a wimp
but even a “hello”
gets me nervous.
i still feel the same,
but i have to respect your space,
because we’re friends,
and i don’t want to lose what we have.
but i want you to know,
more than anything else,
i love you so,
and i’ll wait until the end of the world
for you to be ready.
i’ll give my heart to no one
other than you
and if i have to wait forever,
i’ll wait right here,
my dear.
how you went from friend to crush in a year i’ll never know.
you won me over, you were so perfect.
your good intentions, your sweetness, your purity,
i was drawn in.
we were just kids making some films,
loving art, loving life,
and then you got me,
one magical night
was all it took.
i fell for you,
you were beautiful,
inside and out,
those beautiful eyes,
your perfect smile,
your gorgeous hair,
your lovely voice,
your heart of gold.
pure perfection.
but could it be a fluke?
was it the heat of the moment?
did i really like you that much?
weren’t you just a friend?
how could i know if my heart
was playing tricks?
one more night
was what it took.
make special plans once more,
see if this was how i felt,
or if my heart was just being funny.
it wasn’t.
i did it.
i fell in love.
i never thought i would.
i’ve had crushes before,
but none as big as this.
everything about you
was wonderful,
not a single flaw, and that’s hard to do.
i loved you.
i’d never thought about relationships before,
i didn’t want to commit,
there was too much stress,
i never found the right person,
so i thought.
it just turns out that the right person
was there all along.
i just didn’t see it.
but then i felt it,
you were the one,
you brought me happiness in ways
few others have before.
i loved you so much.
but you weren’t ready,
you didn’t want to commit,
you didn’t want a relationship yet,
and that’s fine,
i’m glad we’re still friends,
and things have stayed strong.
but i still shake
and my heart still races
when i see you around.
and i might be a wimp
but even a “hello”
gets me nervous.
i still feel the same,
but i have to respect your space,
because we’re friends,
and i don’t want to lose what we have.
but i want you to know,
more than anything else,
i love you so,
and i’ll wait until the end of the world
for you to be ready.
i’ll give my heart to no one
other than you
and if i have to wait forever,
i’ll wait right here,
my dear.
5. me too
i need my space.
when i say “don’t touch,”
you fucking listen.
how many more times
do i have to say that
no means no
until you get that
there’s an issue?
what the hell
goes through your mind
when you force someone
into sex
when that’s not what they want?
how do you sleep at night
knowing that you made someone
feel unsafe,
uncomfortable,
petrified,
and all for self-gain,
so you could brag to your friend
and tell ‘em, “yeah i touched them!”
was it that nice of a touch
that you need to tell the world?
think of it yourself,
what if someone touched you there
and you didn’t want them to?
think if you
had to be thrown into a bed
and sexed without a thought
of whether you wanted it,
how would it feel?
pretty shitty, huh?
grab ‘em by the pussy,
you can do anything,
but why the fuck would you?
did you ever stop to think
if they wanted that?
before you moved on her like a bitch,
did you use your brain?
did you ask yourself
if her husband would’ve liked that?
if you even think
that this isn’t a problem,
reevaluate your life,
think about someone other
than yourself,
don’t be so fucking jaded,
because sexual assault
and harassment is real.
we live in a world
where people feel shocked
that they’ve never been
harassed or assaulted
in such a way during their lives.
if that’s not enough
to wake you up,
there’s no fucking hope
for you.
everyone else,
we have to be there
for those that have suffered,
we need to comfort them,
we need to let them know
that they’ll be okay,
and i’m not sure
how or if
we can stop this,
but at least we can try,
and self-control is the first step.
the next is consent.
#NoMeansNo #MeToo
when i say “don’t touch,”
you fucking listen.
how many more times
do i have to say that
no means no
until you get that
there’s an issue?
what the hell
goes through your mind
when you force someone
into sex
when that’s not what they want?
how do you sleep at night
knowing that you made someone
feel unsafe,
uncomfortable,
petrified,
and all for self-gain,
so you could brag to your friend
and tell ‘em, “yeah i touched them!”
was it that nice of a touch
that you need to tell the world?
think of it yourself,
what if someone touched you there
and you didn’t want them to?
think if you
had to be thrown into a bed
and sexed without a thought
of whether you wanted it,
how would it feel?
pretty shitty, huh?
grab ‘em by the pussy,
you can do anything,
but why the fuck would you?
did you ever stop to think
if they wanted that?
before you moved on her like a bitch,
did you use your brain?
did you ask yourself
if her husband would’ve liked that?
if you even think
that this isn’t a problem,
reevaluate your life,
think about someone other
than yourself,
don’t be so fucking jaded,
because sexual assault
and harassment is real.
we live in a world
where people feel shocked
that they’ve never been
harassed or assaulted
in such a way during their lives.
if that’s not enough
to wake you up,
there’s no fucking hope
for you.
everyone else,
we have to be there
for those that have suffered,
we need to comfort them,
we need to let them know
that they’ll be okay,
and i’m not sure
how or if
we can stop this,
but at least we can try,
and self-control is the first step.
the next is consent.
#NoMeansNo #MeToo
4. blood
bodies
spread across the floor,
the blood was splattered,
the damage was done.
killed by a man,
his heart black as night,
his soul never to be cleansed,
50 gone, all for what?
the hate destroyed him,
innocent lives taken,
all just wanted love,
peace, music, happiness,
now there’s none of that.
there’s only anger,
frustration,
disgust,
how could you?
a music festival,
a time for magic
ending in death.
this isn’t the first time,
but it needs to be the last.
stop the shooting,
stop the hate,
stop the violence,
stop the killing,
stop the anger,
stop the guns.
the world is too angry,
it can’t stay like this,
we can’t continue to hate
we have to learn to love.
put yourself in the shoes
of the people in vegas
who are mourning the deaths
of their family members,
best friends, loved ones
that died from the gun,
and realize
that this violence
needs to stop.
#PrayForLasVegas
spread across the floor,
the blood was splattered,
the damage was done.
killed by a man,
his heart black as night,
his soul never to be cleansed,
50 gone, all for what?
the hate destroyed him,
innocent lives taken,
all just wanted love,
peace, music, happiness,
now there’s none of that.
there’s only anger,
frustration,
disgust,
how could you?
a music festival,
a time for magic
ending in death.
this isn’t the first time,
but it needs to be the last.
stop the shooting,
stop the hate,
stop the violence,
stop the killing,
stop the anger,
stop the guns.
the world is too angry,
it can’t stay like this,
we can’t continue to hate
we have to learn to love.
put yourself in the shoes
of the people in vegas
who are mourning the deaths
of their family members,
best friends, loved ones
that died from the gun,
and realize
that this violence
needs to stop.
#PrayForLasVegas
3. picture this
picture this:
a world of love,
all of us getting along,
less arguing,
less hatred.
yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.
imagine a world
where we don’t let politics
get in the way of our opinions
on one another.
yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.
picture a world
where we don’t have to worry
about that two-sided shit
because we’ve found a middle ground.
yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.
think of a world
where we’re less judgmental,
where our differences don’t matter
and we love one another.
ohhh, wouldn’t that be nice.
now picture this:
a world of hate
where we don’t agree
on anything,
where we hurt
one another,
only care about ourselves
and try to kill,
hate for being different,
tell other people
to end their lives,
fight over petty shit,
deny the problems
and act like everything
is totally fine
when it’s totally not,
because that’s our world
at this very moment,
too much hate,
too much anger,
too much negativity,
too much fighting
in a world where
even a physical difference
is enough to cause hate
and i say hate
a lot because
that’s what it is,
hate hate hate
from people
who know nothing
but anger
and HATE.
man, doesn’t that suck.
a world of love,
all of us getting along,
less arguing,
less hatred.
yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.
imagine a world
where we don’t let politics
get in the way of our opinions
on one another.
yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.
picture a world
where we don’t have to worry
about that two-sided shit
because we’ve found a middle ground.
yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.
think of a world
where we’re less judgmental,
where our differences don’t matter
and we love one another.
ohhh, wouldn’t that be nice.
now picture this:
a world of hate
where we don’t agree
on anything,
where we hurt
one another,
only care about ourselves
and try to kill,
hate for being different,
tell other people
to end their lives,
fight over petty shit,
deny the problems
and act like everything
is totally fine
when it’s totally not,
because that’s our world
at this very moment,
too much hate,
too much anger,
too much negativity,
too much fighting
in a world where
even a physical difference
is enough to cause hate
and i say hate
a lot because
that’s what it is,
hate hate hate
from people
who know nothing
but anger
and HATE.
man, doesn’t that suck.
2. too much hate
saturday morning,
i slept through your call,
and it’s still my biggest regret.
you went into school yesterday
wearing a hoodie,
a dress code violation.
the principal asked you to take the hood off
but you refused.
you didn’t want to show the secret.
i was scared,
what is she hiding?
i texted you,
but no response,
you didn’t even read it.
i worried for the night,
i called you,
texted you,
facebook messaged you,
anything i could do
just to hear you say,
“don’t worry, matt, i’m fine.”
but i got nothing.
until the next morning.
when i woke up to a voicemail.
“hey matt, i’m sorry i worried you.
you don’t have to be scared,
because i’ll be gone by the time you hear this.
i wore my hoodie yesterday because i had a belt around my neck.
i was waiting for the right moment,
i’m going to kill myself.
i’m so thankful for you and all you’ve done for me,
but no one else loves me,
no one else is really here for me,
not even my family.
don’t be scared, i won’t bother you anymore.”
i ran out of my house,
still in my pajamas.
i didn’t even put shoes on,
i had to talk to you
i got to your house,
and as the old story goes,
the door was locked and i had to knock it down.
there you were,
laying on the floor.
it was too late.
the belt firmly tightened around your neck.
your heart wasn’t beating,
there was no pulse,
you were dead.
no one loved you like i did,
the hate was too strong,
and it drove you to the edge.
it took your innocence,
it wiped your beautiful smile,
and worst of all, it ended your life.
the one i loved, the one i pined for,
was gone.
why is this world so angry?
why is there so much hate?
why do we say “drink bleach?”
why do we tell others to take their lives?
why did you all take her away from me?
i loved her more than anything,
but you fuckers killed her.
now i’ll never experience true love again.
i slept through your call,
and it’s still my biggest regret.
you went into school yesterday
wearing a hoodie,
a dress code violation.
the principal asked you to take the hood off
but you refused.
you didn’t want to show the secret.
i was scared,
what is she hiding?
i texted you,
but no response,
you didn’t even read it.
i worried for the night,
i called you,
texted you,
facebook messaged you,
anything i could do
just to hear you say,
“don’t worry, matt, i’m fine.”
but i got nothing.
until the next morning.
when i woke up to a voicemail.
“hey matt, i’m sorry i worried you.
you don’t have to be scared,
because i’ll be gone by the time you hear this.
i wore my hoodie yesterday because i had a belt around my neck.
i was waiting for the right moment,
i’m going to kill myself.
i’m so thankful for you and all you’ve done for me,
but no one else loves me,
no one else is really here for me,
not even my family.
don’t be scared, i won’t bother you anymore.”
i ran out of my house,
still in my pajamas.
i didn’t even put shoes on,
i had to talk to you
i got to your house,
and as the old story goes,
the door was locked and i had to knock it down.
there you were,
laying on the floor.
it was too late.
the belt firmly tightened around your neck.
your heart wasn’t beating,
there was no pulse,
you were dead.
no one loved you like i did,
the hate was too strong,
and it drove you to the edge.
it took your innocence,
it wiped your beautiful smile,
and worst of all, it ended your life.
the one i loved, the one i pined for,
was gone.
why is this world so angry?
why is there so much hate?
why do we say “drink bleach?”
why do we tell others to take their lives?
why did you all take her away from me?
i loved her more than anything,
but you fuckers killed her.
now i’ll never experience true love again.
1. my demons
the overthinking returns,
it just never seems to leave.
the smallest things worry me,
and they really shouldn’t,
but i can’t help myself.
i dwell on the hypotheticals,
some good, some bad,
but mostly the sad,
and i don’t want to imagine
such bad thoughts,
because i’m trying to spread positivity,
make the world happy,
bring joy to my friends,
but i scare myself.
“am i a bother?”
“do they not want me around?”
“is my positivity fake?”
“can i really be happy
when my thoughts bother me so?”
and i can’t just “not think about them,”
because they stick with me,
they bring me down,
they make me lazy.
you can’t just “stop thinking,”
if it was that easy, would i be writing?
i guess i just have to deal with it,
try my best to be happy,
stay optimistic about life,
though the demons may haunt me,
i have people in life
that will help me get through the pain,
and i know it’ll never go away,
but i’ll battle through it
and everything will be okay.
just don’t leave me, please.
it just never seems to leave.
the smallest things worry me,
and they really shouldn’t,
but i can’t help myself.
i dwell on the hypotheticals,
some good, some bad,
but mostly the sad,
and i don’t want to imagine
such bad thoughts,
because i’m trying to spread positivity,
make the world happy,
bring joy to my friends,
but i scare myself.
“am i a bother?”
“do they not want me around?”
“is my positivity fake?”
“can i really be happy
when my thoughts bother me so?”
and i can’t just “not think about them,”
because they stick with me,
they bring me down,
they make me lazy.
you can’t just “stop thinking,”
if it was that easy, would i be writing?
i guess i just have to deal with it,
try my best to be happy,
stay optimistic about life,
though the demons may haunt me,
i have people in life
that will help me get through the pain,
and i know it’ll never go away,
but i’ll battle through it
and everything will be okay.
just don’t leave me, please.
freedom of the verse preface
so, before i post my poems on here, i'd like to let you guys know that, as i write sets of poems, i like to compile them into fake "albums." i just use my own pictures and make fake "tracklists" and whatnot, because it's kind of fun. what i'm going to do from here on out is, before i post each "album" on here, i'll post the "front and back covers" that i make and talk a little bit about each album and poem in general. let's start with this one, "freedom of the verse."
"freedom of the verse," released in october, was my first free-verse poetry album. i used to write more "rhythmic" poetry in my free time, but now i look back on those old poems and i don't really like them that much. writing in free-verse was something i got a bit more excited about, as it gave me more creativity to not feel "forced" when writing. when i would write "rhythmic" poems, i would literally just think of the first line and go with what rhymed afterward. writing in free-verse now gives me more of an ability to just write what comes to mind.
a lot of the poems on this "album" deal with more dark, occasionally moody topics, as i was not exactly feeling like my usual happy self while writing a lot of these poems. i don't often show this more sad side of myself to others, so writing these poems allowed me to kind of show a side of me some aren't really used to. here's a rundown of each poem, with a short summary as to what they are about.
1. my demons - i tend to overthink a lot, no matter what the situation is. this is occasionally a recipe for disaster, as it leads me to feel lazy and it kills my mood. i talk a little about that in this poem.
2. too much hate - this was a fictional story about suicide. some of it was inspired by an old friend of mine that very nearly committed suicide, but didn't actually do it. the story features a character feeling angry that a girl, who he had fallen in love with, killed herself because she was bullied by others and not accepted by her family. it was one that was really tough for me to write.
3. picture this - in this one, i talk a lot about the hate that exists in our world today. i wanted to make others imagine a world where everyone got along, regardless of who we are, and then paint a picture of a world where we do nothing but aimlessly hate one another.
4. blood - i wrote this one about the mass shooting that occurred in the las vegas strip on october 1st, 2017. i wrote it as a way of explaining that the violence in our world needs to stop, and that we need to stop the killing and stop the hatred.
5. me too - in the wake of several sexual assault/harassment scandals going around hollywood, there was a trend where people were encouraged to post "me too" as a way of showing that sexual assault and harassment is a very real issue. much like "blood," life inspired my poems.
6. my dear - this was the first free-verse poem that i wrote. it was written about a girl that i had a crush on. i very rarely develop romantic feelings for others, but the girl this poem is about is really special to me, and i talk a little bit about us here.
7. no likes - here, i talk about how i switched from writing "rhythmic" poems to writing free-verse poems and talk about how, even despite the fact that i don't often get "likes" on a lot of my posts, i'm still motivated to keep doing what i'm doing.
8. happy matt's back - after a long time of just not feeling like myself, this poem was basically my way of saying that i was finally starting to feel happy again. in it, i thanked the people that helped me to stay strong and keep trying my best, no matter how hard life got me down.
9. career - this one was honestly a little tough to write: in october of 2017, i had just quit my part-time job that i had worked at for almost 9 months. i won't go into full detail for personal reasons, but at the time, the job had been stressing me out emotionally and, one night, some rather scary events occurred inside the store that pushed me to my breaking point and made me say, "that's it, no more." however, that night, after quitting, the manager on duty (who, by the way, was very kind and understanding about the whole thing) told me that my store manager would call me about the whole thing the next day. as of this writing, it's been a little over a month and a half since i quit and i haven't gotten that call. in fact, i haven't heard a peep from my manager, despite being told i would hear from him. i was a bit angry about this, as i had felt like the lack of even a proper goodbye made those nearly 9 months worthless, and i wrote a poem detailing my frustrations.
10. break - as the last poem on the album, i purposely wrote this one with the intention of making it a shorter poem that felt more like a reflection on everything i had written. i ended off the poem by saying how happy writing had made me, but that i would be taking a short break from writing poems. the break lasted for about a month, i believe.
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