3. powerless

all my life,

i’ve been dealing

with a tyrant,

but all this fucker

wants is for me

to be silent,

i’m tired of lying

and pretending

you’re always right,

i’ve said my piece

on works

the world may never

get to read,

i’ve held it back

to protect you,

if you think this is mean,

picture the quotes

i once wrote

that won’t get released.

dealt with the policing

and all the times

i just had to “suck it up,”

all the days i heard,

“think of the good he’s done,”

as if that forgives

the pain you’ve caused,

searched for the root

of my anxiety,

and found it traced

back to you,

all the threats,

all the silencing,

pulling my hair

and grabbing my face,

gaslight and manipulate,

never allowed to make a case

because you tried

to silence me.

guess the only way

you’ll ever change

is if i say it here,

you took away my voice,

but you’ll never take

the written word,

and if it stings,

i guess you’ll know

what i’ve felt

for all these years.

you want independence?

well, here it is:

my independent decision

to call you on your shit,

fight against the abuse,

you made me out

to be the weakling,

“you need to grow a pair,”

if that’s the case,

i can only ask you this:

is this strong enough for you?

2. more than this

flash back to the past,

loved time with friends,

just feeling fine,

the joys and highs,

never had to worry

about a thing

other than how long

we could stay awake,

play video games all day,

ignore the world,

sit in bliss

and sing the praises

for all the great things

life gave to us,

never felt any pain.

we were happy then,

now we’re depressed,

left to lick our wounds

as these challenges

weigh down on us,

and the friend

you once called

your “BFF” is gone,

all they’ll ever be

is a memory,

a pale shadow

of a time

when everything

was carefree,

before our spirits

were drained.

now it’s lonely,

the victories

ring hollow,

no matter the size,

big or small,

i only feel lost,

this life seems false,

and i find myself

yearning for more,

wishing to be happy

like the once bright,

positive guy,

but it feels like my light

no longer shines,

will my stars ever align?

i want more than this.

1. i feel nothing

another day
feels just like the last,
only joy i can find
is in trying to turn
back the clock,
even spending time
with the things i love
just isn’t enough,
all the avenues
i try to take
and none of them
make me happy
like they used to.
“how are you doing?”
feels too difficult
to give an answer to.

i feel nothing.
i want to smile
and tell them all
that everything is fine,
but it’s not.
neither happy nor sad,
no emotion at all,
the months are passing
one by one
with no sign of the sun,
everything’s dulled,
every day, i ask myself
what’s to look forward to,
and i still can’t
figure out the answer.

even as i try
to finish this poem,
my mind wanders away,
what do i say?
the words don’t come
as quickly as before,
i overthink each line
that i write,
does it sound natural?
have i spoken too much?
maybe said too little?
why does one poem
leave me so tired?
when did poetry
become so draining?
why didn’t i have
to worry about this
back in 2018?
one stanza
didn’t take this long
back then, did it?

where did i go?

update EP preface

 

i wanted this new poetry project to be a surprise release, and now, it's finally here. it's my first EP in well over two years, and it's simply called "update EP." as the title suggests, it's essentially just an update. as it's been a good amount of time since my last poem (and my last album), i thought it would be good to show you guys how i've been feeling. originally, this was going to be a mini-album, but the last two poems were not coming together, so i scrapped them and turned the remaining ones into an EP. being pinned down by the pressure of a full-length album can be stressful, so sometimes, it's fun to put out a project that's not a full 10 poems. this one was tough, but i'm definitely really proud of it. 

1. i feel nothing

2. more than this

3. powerless