1. i feel nothing

another day
feels just like the last,
only joy i can find
is in trying to turn
back the clock,
even spending time
with the things i love
just isn’t enough,
all the avenues
i try to take
and none of them
make me happy
like they used to.
“how are you doing?”
feels too difficult
to give an answer to.

i feel nothing.
i want to smile
and tell them all
that everything is fine,
but it’s not.
neither happy nor sad,
no emotion at all,
the months are passing
one by one
with no sign of the sun,
everything’s dulled,
every day, i ask myself
what’s to look forward to,
and i still can’t
figure out the answer.

even as i try
to finish this poem,
my mind wanders away,
what do i say?
the words don’t come
as quickly as before,
i overthink each line
that i write,
does it sound natural?
have i spoken too much?
maybe said too little?
why does one poem
leave me so tired?
when did poetry
become so draining?
why didn’t i have
to worry about this
back in 2018?
one stanza
didn’t take this long
back then, did it?

where did i go?