ember

can’t even process,
a young, bright soul
gone far too soon.
i don’t want

to believe what i hear,
i wanna wake up
from this awful dream,
i don’t want it to be true.

we weren’t even close,
had one class together,
but i saw a lot in you.
passion, kindness,
desire for greatness,
you had everything
and then some,
and you left a mark
on so many of us.
if only you could see
all the love we have.
you and i hardly even
knew each other

and yet,
i’m broken over this.
i can only imagine
how much harder it is
for everyone else.

rest easy, sweet one.
your ember will still
burn bright to us,
and you’ll remain
in our hearts forever.
you wanted the world
to be a happy place,
and we’ll make it happy.
your desire will live on
in all that we do,
and we’ll work hard
to preserve your name

ember

10. feeling scared

doesn’t feel like
i’m my usual self,
yeah i’m chill

and getting to relax

but it’s like

i don’t know
what the sun looks like.
nothing but sitting

by my possibly bipolar self
after all the insanity.

i’m glad i made it out,
sophomore year was nuts,
but it certainly left scars,
some that i’m still here
thinking about often,
some that still affect
how i go about life
and think about myself.
yeah, i pushed through
and i was very proud,
but it sucks

when you bring out

some bad vibes
from a growing experience.

how much better

is it really gonna get now?
will junior year

bring me more joy,

love and growth,
or will i come out of it
more cynical than ever?
and how much longer
will i be writing these for?
are people gonna keep
coming along for the ride?
or will everyone just leave?
will 20 be a year

filled with blessings

or curses for me?

i’m feeling scared.

9. feeling good

feeling better

than i ever have now,
living the chill life,
relaxing and taking
all the time to myself,
just keeping things calm
after all the insanity.

sophomore year

was pretty damn wild,
you all know the story,
a year of growth

and change for the better,
but it’s nice to just
step back and relax.
after it all popped off,
it’s feels so nice

when the dust settles

and you appreciate

that you made it through.

it was quite the push,
but i did damn well,
and it’s only gonna
get better from here.
another journey

means plenty more to write,
i’ll take you all along,
it’s gonna be fun,
another chapter of life
is upon me at 20

and i’m ready to write it.

i’m feeling good.

8. what the hell am i?

am i something i’m not?
i tell myself that i know
exactly who i am,

but do i really know that?
i’m bi-curious, i am,
i just know that i am.
and i know

that there’s no one

who can say
that i’m not, but…
why do so many people
ask me about it now?

can’t help but wonder

if they’re asking

because they genuinely

want to know

or they think i’m faking it.
even mama wanted to know
“how can you be willing
to have a relationship

if you’re not sexually attracted?”
is sexual attraction

really the only attraction?

things like this

just make me wonder

if i really know myself.
are they really all
negative opinions
or do they just want
to keep me thinking?
do i really know me?
am i letting others
decide who i am?

what the hell am i?

7. i am what i am

don’t need to feel like
i’m something i’m not,
i’m secure in myself
and i know who i am.
bi-curious boy here,
facing the world

and never letting anyone
try to tell me otherwise.

had to field some questions
about myself lately,

since you don’t meet someone
that’s bi-curious everyday.
“the hell does that mean?”
means i’m not attracted to guys

in the sexual way,
but i’m still willing to have
a relationship with a guy

if he is the right one for me.

i’m allowed to experiment
with whoever i want to,
and you can leave

your negative opinions about it
right on my doorstep.
i know exactly what i want,
i’ll be exactly who i am,
and i won’t let anybody
try to say what i’m not.

i am what i am.

6. no they don't

maybe my words
don’t really hit
as hard as i think.
am i really here
bringing people
into my mind

or just saying some
fake deep shit

that everyone else has?
i’ve lasted a year
but will i really go
further than this?

will i really
be able to keep
going like this
if people don’t
read my poems?
fourth album

of just this summer,
am i going too fast?
have people stopped reading

because i’m giving

too much at once?
are my concepts

really all that great

or am i just overrated, huh?

am i really gonna
be able to keep
doing this for free?
never wanted money
to be my influence,
but can i really sell
myself with some poems

on a blog?
am i really writing
the best that i can?
is the passion i had
still there

or am i just phoning it in?

do my words hit?
no, they don’t.

5. my words hit

everybody knows
my motherfucking words

hit hard,
i bring you into
my mind in a way
few can really do
quite as well.
haven’t even been
in the poetry game
for a year

and yet,
my fire won’t dim.

i don’t need

no big views or clicks
to make me wanna
say what i say,
that’s why i’m on
the roll that i’m on.
fourth full album
this summer alone,
who’s putting in
more work that me?
who’s dropping poems
with better concepts
than this guy, huh?

the best damn poet
money can buy

but my poems are free,
i don’t need cash
to influence my love
for doing what i do.
this is all passion,
straight from the brain
doing one of the things
that i do best here.

do my words hit?
yeah, they do.

4. shitty birthmonth

july 1st,
it sucks because
my birthday’s

in just six days,
and i just

don’t want it to be
my birthday.

i tell myself that
it’s gonna be such
an exciting month
full of love and joy,
but it’s probably
gonna go nowhere fast.
i’m gonna sit alone
in my bedroom
on my birthday,
not hanging with friends
because they’re all busy
or too far away,
and all the family

is out at work, too.

oh yeah, guess what!
i’m 20 years old
and i don’t have
a damn job now!
i’m 20 and growing up,
but i still don’t even
have a job? what?
what the hell

am i gonna be saving

for this “big” month of mine?
more anxiety? more sadness?

more time spent alone?
yeah, i made it here,
20 years old,

but what have i done?
next to nothing?

shitty birthmonth to me.

3. happy birthday

july 1st,
it’s great because
it’s the start

of the best damn month
in the world

because it’s the month

that i was born in.

you know when
your birthday

is on the seventh day
of the new month
that it’s gonna be
a damn celebration.
nice, warm weather,
happy days and love,
support from everyone,
it’s gonna be a month
for the books, you know?

hang out with friends,
maybe hit the beach,
do all the fun things
i haven’t done yet
because i’ve been
saving them all
for the big month.
it’s gonna be

a month-long party
to celebrate

that i made it

20 years
and that i’m still

going strong
even today.

happy birthday to me.

2. hate myself

or maybe

they’re not hitting like

on my poems and stuff
because they don’t
really like them.
maybe the selfies
just get all the likes
because they’re glad
i’m alive,

not because
i’m that good looking.

why did my body
look so weird

in that last picture?
am i getting a gut?
i only just turned 20,
how do i have a gut?
i’m a mess of a man,
my mind just goes
all different ways,
who the hell

would wanna date that?
she got over you,
he’s straight

and happy with his girl,
am i really that hot?

i’m saving myself
for that special person
but they already left.
every single one

that i’ve ever liked

is gone.
yeah, i might look okay
but what does that do?
it’s about

what’s on the inside and all,

but my insides suck

and my brain is a mess.

i hate myself.

1. love myself

won’t support the work
that i put in on here,
writing every day,
posting all the time,
still get 0 likes,
but when i post
that selfie here,
everyone jumps

all over that like button.

i know my damn
selfie is bomb,
you don’t gotta
remind me i’m hot.
i don’t even need

to post

a thirsty-ass status

asking like
“who wants to date me”
because i already know
everyone wants to.
even people

that are already

in relationships
want a little piece of me,
that’s how good i am.

saving myself

for that special person
gets pretty damn hard
when everyone wants you.
but hey,

no one ever said
that being good-looking
would be easy, did they?

sorry to brag,

i know you probably

didn’t expect me
to go this far with it,

but it just so happens

that i’m really happy now.

i love myself.

polarized preface

here it is! my milestone 10th full-length album "polarized." i've referred to this album a bit as my "child" because i love it so much, and because it's very important to me. not only because it's my 10th album, but because it deals with something that isn't super easy to just talk about every day. a look at the titles should answer what it is for you:

1. love myself

2. hate myself

3. happy birthday

4. shitty birthmonth

5. my words hit

6. no they don't

7. i am what i am

8. what the hell am i?

9. feeling good

10. feeling scared