ember

can’t even process,
a young, bright soul
gone far too soon.
i don’t want to
believe what i hear,
i wanna wake up
from this awful dream,
i don’t want it to be true.

we weren’t even close,
had one class together,
but i saw a lot in you.
passion, kindness,
desire for greatness,
you had everything
and then some,
and you left a mark
on so many of us.
if only you could see
all the love we have.
you and i hardly even
knew each other and yet,
i’m broken over this.
i can only imagine
how much harder it is
for everyone else.

rest easy, sweet one.
your ember will still
burn bright to us,
and you’ll remain
in our hearts forever.
you wanted the world
to be a happy place,
and we’ll make it happy.
your desire will live on
in all that we do,
and we’ll work hard
to preserve your name

ember

10. feeling scared

doesn’t feel like
i’m my usual self,
yeah i’m chill and
getting to relax but
it’s like i don’t know
what the sun looks like.
nothing but sitting by
my possibly bipolar self
after all the insanity.

i’m glad i made it out,
sophomore year was nuts,
but it certainly left scars,
some that i’m still here
thinking about often,
some that still affect
how i go about life
and think about myself.
yeah, i pushed through
and i was very proud,
but it sucks when you
bring out some bad vibes
from a growing experience.

how much better is it
really gonna get now?
will junior year bring me
more joy, love and growth,
or will i come out of it
more cynical than ever?
and how much longer
will i be writing these for?
are people gonna keep
coming along for the ride?
or will everyone just leave?
will 20 be a year filled with
blessings or curses for me?

i’m feeling scared.

9. feeling good

feeling better than
i ever have now,
living the chill life,
relaxing and taking
all the time to myself,
just keeping things calm
after all the insanity.

sophomore year was
pretty damn wild,
you all know the story,
a year of growth and
change for the better,
but it’s nice to just
step back and relax.
after it all popped off,
it’s feels so nice when
the dust settles and
you appreciate that
you made it through.

it was quite the push,
but i did damn well,
and it’s only gonna
get better from here.
another journey means
plenty more to write,
i’ll take you all along,
it’s gonna be fun,
another chapter of life
is upon me at 20 and
i’m ready to write it.

i’m feeling good.

8. what the hell am i?

am i something i’m not?
i tell myself that i know
exactly who i am, but
do i really know that?
i’m bi-curious, i am,
i just know that i am.
and i know that there’s
no one who can say
that i’m not, but…
why do so many people
ask me about it now?

can’t help but wonder if
they’re asking because they
genuinely want to know or
they think i’m faking it.
even mama wanted to know
“how can you be willing
to have a relationship if
you’re not sexually attracted?”
is sexual attraction really
the only attraction?

things like this just
make me wonder if
i really know myself.
are they really all
negative opinions
or do they just want
to keep me thinking?
do i really know me?
am i letting others
decide who i am?

what the hell am i?

7. i am what i am

don’t need to feel like
i’m something i’m not,
i’m secure in myself
and i know who i am.
bi-curious boy here,
facing the world and
never letting anyone
try to tell me otherwise.

had to field some questions
about myself lately, since
you don’t meet someone
that’s bi-curious everyday.
“the hell does that mean?”
means i’m not attracted
to guys in the sexual way,
but i’m still willing to have
a relationship with a guy if
he is the right one for me.

i’m allowed to experiment
with whoever i want to,
and you can leave your
negative opinions about it
right on my doorstep.
i know exactly what i want,
i’ll be exactly who i am,
and i won’t let anybody
try to say what i’m not.

i am what i am.

6. no they don't

maybe my words
don’t really hit
as hard as i think.
am i really here
bringing people
into my mind or
just saying some
fake deep shit that
everyone else has?
i’ve lasted a year
but will i really go
further than this?

will i really
be able to keep
going like this
if people don’t
read my poems?
fourth album of
just this summer,
am i going too fast?
have people stopped
reading because i’m
giving too much at once?
are my concepts really
all that great or am i
just overrated, huh?

am i really gonna
be able to keep
doing this for free?
never wanted money
to be my influence,
but can i really sell
myself with some
poems on a blog?
am i really writing
the best that i can?
is the passion i had
still there or am i
just phoning it in?

do my words hit?
no, they don’t.

5. my words hit

everybody knows
my motherfucking
words hit hard,
i bring you into
my mind in a way
few can really do
quite as well.
haven’t even been
in the poetry game
for a year and yet,
my fire won’t dim.

i don’t need no
big views or clicks
to make me wanna
say what i say,
that’s why i’m on
the roll that i’m on.
fourth full album
this summer alone,
who’s putting in
more work that me?
who’s dropping poems
with better concepts
than this guy, huh?

the best damn poet
money can buy but
my poems are free,
i don’t need cash
to influence my love
for doing what i do.
this is all passion,
straight from the brain
doing one of the things
that i do best here.

do my words hit?
yeah, they do.

4. shitty birthmonth

july 1st,
it sucks because
my birthday’s in
just six days,
and i just don’t
want it to be
my birthday.

i tell myself that
it’s gonna be such
an exciting month
full of love and joy,
but it’s probably
gonna go nowhere fast.
i’m gonna sit alone
in my bedroom
on my birthday,
not hanging with friends
because they’re all busy
or too far away,
and all the family is
out at work, too.

oh yeah, guess what!
i’m 20 years old
and i don’t have
a damn job now!
i’m 20 and growing up,
but i still don’t even
have a job? what?
what the hell am i
gonna be saving for
this “big” month of mine?
more anxiety? more sadness?
more time spent alone?
yeah, i made it here,
20 years old, but
what have i done?
next to nothing?

shitty birthmonth to me.

3. happy birthday

july 1st,
it’s great because
it’s the start of
the best damn month
in the world because
it’s the month that
i was born in.

you know when
your birthday is
on the seventh day
of the new month
that it’s gonna be
a damn celebration.
nice, warm weather,
happy days and love,
support from everyone,
it’s gonna be a month
for the books, you know?

hang out with friends,
maybe hit the beach,
do all the fun things
i haven’t done yet
because i’ve been
saving them all
for the big month.
it’s gonna be a
month-long party
to celebrate that
i made it 20 years
and that i’m
still going strong
even today.

happy birthday to me.

2. hate myself

or maybe they’re
not hitting like on
my poems and stuff
because they don’t
really like them.
maybe the selfies
just get all the likes
because they’re glad
i’m alive, not because
i’m that good looking.

why did my body
look so weird in
that last picture?
am i getting a gut?
i only just turned 20,
how do i have a gut?
i’m a mess of a man,
my mind just goes
all different ways,
who the hell would
wanna date that?
she got over you,
he’s straight and
happy with his girl,
am i really that hot?

i’m saving myself
for that special person
but they already left.
every single one that
i’ve ever liked is gone.
yeah, i might look okay
but what does that do?
it’s about what’s on
the inside and all, but
my insides suck and
my brain is a mess.

i hate myself.

1. love myself

won’t support the work
that i put in on here,
writing every day,
posting all the time,
still get 0 likes,
but when i post
that selfie here,
everyone jumps all
over that like button.

i know my damn
selfie is bomb,
you don’t gotta
remind me i’m hot.
i don’t even need to
post thirsty-ass
status asking like
“who wants to date me”
because i already know
everyone wants to.
even people that are
already in relationships
want a little piece of me,
that’s how good i am.

saving myself for
that special person
gets pretty damn hard
when everyone wants you.
but hey, no one ever said
that being good-looking
would be easy, did they?
sorry to brag, i know you
probably didn’t expect me
to go this far with it, but
it just so happens that
i’m really happy now.

i love myself.

polarized preface

here it is! my milestone 10th full-length album "polarized." i've referred to this album a bit as my "child" because i love it so much, and because it's very important to me. not only because it's my 10th album, but because it deals with something that isn't super easy to just talk about every day. a look at the titles should answer what it is for you.

1. love myself

2. hate myself

3. happy birthday

4. shitty birthmonth

5. my words hit

6. no they don't

7. i am what i am

8. what the hell am i?

9. feeling good

10. feeling scared