3. i wrote the book on self-loathing

tryna muster the strength

to get out of bed,

but i’m too stuck

in my head,

a modern day mr. jones,

just wanna be beautiful

but every time

i’m counting crows,

only 13 show,

it seems i’ve kept

the devil in the know,

he’s been working overtime

on my life,

“fate is kind,”

that’s disney’s biggest lie,

if that was the case,

i wouldn’t be cursed

with the pain

inside my mind.

can’t wait for them

to name a new

mental health disorder

after me,

pretty easy to see

why they’re tired of me,

i’m not cut out

for “fun”

so i’ll be left in the dust,

all i ever do

is bring down

everyone that i’m around,

i’m sinking

into the swamp

like i’m artax,

‘cause who’d wanna be

around someone

who radiates this much sadness?

got some shit

i wanna say

that i’ll hold

to the chest

so i don’t leave ‘em worried,

i made that mistake

and hurt important people,

trust i don’t wanna

do it again,

but just like i said

in 2020,

they’re all better without me,

i bring no value,

and all the happiest days

are the ones

i’m not part of,

should just leave ‘em alone

and disappear,

hide my face in shame

and go away,

i’m too dependent

on ‘em anyway,

they’ll be great

and it’ll all be okay,

‘cause i’m nothing

without them

but they don’t need me

in the same way.

you’ll be fine without me.

go be happy.

2. i’m sorry my poems ruined your life

took a minute

to process

and i went back

to the past,

remembered someone

that i shouldn’t have,

all the poems

i devoted to them

that i should’ve held

to the chest,

don’t deny my part

in any pain,

but i wish you did

the same,

accountability was never

your favorite game,

i’ve always been easy

to manipulate,

and i was wrapped

around your finger,

you were so filled

with hate

but why do i

so clearly remember

your warm embrace?

you never miss them,

you just miss

who you thought they were,

the fleeting moments

that you can’t repeat

since they went off,

blissful and ignorant

of the ways

they changed you,

how they’d break you

and make you

question everything

you thought you knew

about yourself,

throw your confidence

on the shelf,

light the gas

and watch the flame engulf,

i have every reason

to wish you the worst,

but i don’t.

i hope you’re treating him

better

than you treated me,

i hope you’ve grown up

and tried to be

a better person,

quit talking about

“that’s just who i am”

and own up

where you must,

you’re the reason

i find it harder to trust

and swore off love,

but i can’t live

with anger or disgust,

i hope that karma

taught you something

and you listened,

dropped all the pettiness,

projection and disses,

act a little less

dismissive

and learn to accept.

i’m still learning to forgive.

1. i wouldn’t wanna hang out with me either

welcome to the ride,

come along

and i’ll take you inside

this twisted mind,

you seem to have

a lot of patience

to choose a guy

like me,

someone who will find

a way

not to appreciate

the greatness

you can give,

i’ve been known to sabotage

and ruin my chances,

let my own actions

cause me to lose

the good things in life,

and you mean a lot

to me

so come watch me

fuck it up

all in one night,

i’ll be the temporary

friend in your life,

give you five minutes

until you learn

that i’m unexciting,

and with my permission,

you can kick me

to the curb,

you won’t have to worry

about hurting me,

because chances are

i deserve it,

i’ve always been

the buzzkill,

best at bringing

the mood down,

and all my attempts

to improve

just inch me closer

to my doom,

so you can decide

if you’d still like to ride,

i promise

i won’t be hurt

if you say no.

it’s probably better

for you anyway.

a day in the life EP preface

surprise! i’m sure you weren’t expecting this but thank you for stopping by on such short notice. today, i’ve brought you my milestone 10th poetry EP, “a day in the life EP.” this is (i believe) the first time ever that i’ve released a poetry project without any prior announcement, teases, snippets, or indications that i was working on one. truth be told, this was a spur-of-the-moment thing; as the name suggests, i wrote this EP out in a day, as i just had some stuff on my mind and wanted to write. i once heard a wise mind say that, if you’re ever struggling or not feeling your greatest, write it out. so i took that advice and just let some emotions pour out here. i hope you enjoy these poems; it’s been difficult lately, but i’m glad i still have anyone who stops by to read my work. now if you don’t mind, i’m off to sleep; i have a big day ahead of me today (i’m finally gonna get the help i need, i hope). until then, enjoy these new poems:

1. i wouldn’t wanna hang out with me either

2. i’m sorry my poems ruined your life

3. i wrote the book on self-loathing

10. hug the people you love and care about a little tighter

emma left yesterday.

no sadder day

than saturday,

i wish you could’ve stayed,

so many more words

you had left to say,

all you wanted

was to make something

of yourself

in some way,

but it’s been taken.

you fought it all,

but the pain

was too much to take,

mama was distraught

at the thought,

because no mom

ever thinks

they’ll be the one

to bury their daughter.

you inspired me

daily,

your passion for your craft

and that brilliant mind

made me want

to get better at mine,

i wouldn’t be

half the man i’ve become

if not for your love,

you’re the only one

i ever thought of,

and i want to make sure

that your story

lives on.

i only wish

you got to be here

to tell that story.

i don’t know

how i’ll go through

these days

without you around,

i still feel like

i see you

somehow,

i don’t know

where you go in the end,

but i hope

you hold my hand

and be my guide,

i hope your soul

never truly dies.

if you see God,

tell Him i said “thanks,”

He and i

don’t see eye to eye,

but if He’s real,

i’m glad He put you

in my life,

the tears

roll down my eyes,

but i know

you’d want me to smile,

remember the good times,

all the joy

and the light of your life,

hallelujah

to the beautiful emma,

i’ll make sure your memory

lives on forever.

mama says she loves you.

9. today was the longest month of my life

sun beckons in my room

and i haven’t slept

a minute,

the insomnia’s

been winning

and it’s hard to fix it,

the winter

casts its firm grasp

once again,

the weakest season

where happy moments

feel fleeting,

and a fresh start

gets thrown in the trash.

it’s a dark time

and it feels endless,

i’m trapped

in my perpetual sadness

and the self-hate

creeps its way

back in,

suddenly,

everything comes crashing down,

and positivity

is nowhere to be found.

and every time i bounce back,

it never lasts,

only feel it for a minute,

then it’s gone in an instant,

every habit

gets its benefits depleted

in no time flat,

and i’m back to feeling

like i’m worthless,

like everything i do is bad.

every mistake i make

feels catastrophic,

it’s all exploding

around me,

and i’m vibing

while surrounded

by fire,

and once it all burns down,

i’m seated in the rubble,

because everything i love

has started to crumble.

embarrassed about

my own existence,

feel like i wanna disappear

for just a little bit,

retreat back to my shell,

i thought I finally broke out,

but now,

i’m right back where i started,

it’s like i can never

be comfortable for long

because bad luck

is creeping around the corner.

i once won an award

in school

for being in the background,

so maybe hiding

is something i’m destined for,

maybe i’m just bound

to push away

all the good people

that come my way,

they’ve been there

and continued to care

despite my bad mental state,

and i feel like

i’ve only caused them pain.

and every time

i think i could shake

the demons from the past,

they come back

to lead me astray.

do scars ever

truly heal?

or do they merely fade

and serve

as a painful reminder

of your worst days?

25 but i still got

a lot of growing to do,

i wanna get out

of my own way,

escape the darkest parts

of my own brain,

and be the version of me

my people deserve,

i’ve barely been ready

to be an adult

since day one,

but i’m tryna do better,

and i only hope

that better

is good enough.

8. this is the closest i’ve gotten to putting my screenwriting degree to use

falling back

on old habits,

shutting myself out

in sadness

and ignoring the ones

i shouldn’t be,

and it takes me back,

to a time

of better things.

i just really wish

i could see allie again.

one of my

best friends,

made the bad times good

and the best times better,

we were always together,

so many TMI convos

you confided in me

between the laughs

we shared,

you used to miss home,

it was so far away,

some days,

that jet lag

was too much to take,

but you made

the most of it.

even when

you were homesick,

down in the dumps

because some asshole

stood you up,

you still lit up my day,

remember that time

that you told me,

“i’d totally date you.”

i kinda wish i took you up on that.

i was always

so distracted

by the wrong ones

that i didn’t see

the right one

standing in front of me,

who even knows

if we were meant to be,

but i’d like to believe.

sometimes i wish

i could go back

to that night in her dorm room,

wish i just kissed her then

before she left,

wish i hadn’t been so distant

in the time since,

head wasn’t on straight

and i coped

in the wrong ways.

you’re all i’m thinking of

in this club tonight,

you always loved to party

and i wish i’d joined you

once or twice,

just to know

if the feeling was right,

or just to spend

some more time

with a special person

in my life.

but instead,

i pour my sorrows

into the cup,

dive in and drown,

the alcohol

gives me all

the liquid courage

i could ever need,

but i turn away

anyone that comes up to me,

i tell ‘em

“i’m waiting for allie,”

but i’ll be waiting

‘till the end of time

if i wanna see her again.

i wish you were here.

7. why do medications have side effects if they’re supposed to help you?

from the nothing

i emerged,

and to the nothing

i’ll one day go,

another day

i spend fixating

on my fate

and where i came from.

we begin

and end

in a hospital bed,

but what happens

when the lights turn off?

they were off once,

why don’t i remember?

billions of years

where i was just asleep?

then why am i so tired?

insomnia

shouldn’t be a problem

if i was so good

at sleeping then,

before i popped in

without my permission.

and one day,

i’ll be gone

without my permission?

well that’s not fair.

and no one

can tell me

what it feels like,

because no one

who’s ever died

has lived to tell the tale,

something we all face,

but what is fate like

when we get there?

it’s why you gotta

find happiness

in life,

because it goes by

in a flash,

i’m tryna be happy,

but why does peace

elude me?

why can’t i escape

the intrusive thoughts

long enough

to calm down?

why was it

so easy before,

but it’s harder now?

all my fears

refuse to disappear,

it’s like i’m seeing them

crystal clear,

and now i can’t see

my future

because everything else

has gone fuzzy,

where am i even going?

and i’m scared

of being forgotten,

so many end up

lost to time,

and i don’t wanna die

a nobody,

i wanna be somebody,

i wanna make an impact

that lives on

long after i’m gone.

i wanna find comfort,

‘cause what’s a long life worth

if you ain’t happy

in the end?

i’m tryna live,

because i still ain’t happy yet,

and when i get there,

i wanna keep going

and find more happiness,

i’m struggling to figure out

how to be,

and how to feel,

but i’m tryna believe

that one day

i will.

6. a poem for the days when standing up feels hard

it kills me

every time

you say you’re not

good enough,

you’re so loved

and you deserve it all,

you’ve shared stories

with me

that few eyes get to read,

and i wish

there was an easy way

to say how much you mean,

not just to me,

but to so many.

fighting all the battles

you’ve been forced to face,

yet you’re still here today,

doing your best

to keep a smile

on your face,

even when life tries

to erase it,

you’ve got the kind of strength

i wish i could have,

independent and smart

and unapologetically “you,”

and i wish you didn’t

have to deal with

as much as you do.

i just wanna wipe

that tear

from your eye,

help you hold your head

up high,

it’s a trying time,

but i want to do

what i can

to help you see

the light

on the other side of life.

you’ve been through so much

and the year’s just started,

you’re tired

because all these battles

have left you jaded,

i wish i could help you

take the weight off

that brain of yours,

carried it to the chest

out of fear

it would bother them,

but i promise

it’s not a burden.

rest your weary head

on my shoulder,

i’ll keep you safe,

the demons

won’t invade this space,

it’s been tough,

but there’ll be better days,

i’m here for you

the whole way,

and i’ll do all that i can

to make sure you’re okay.

5. it was a happy valentine’s day until this poem came along

the loner

that’s aching for companionship,

scared to commit

because of all the times

i’ve been scarred by it,

but it feels like life

lacks fulfillment

if you don’t have someone

to share it with,

and i’ve never

been close enough

to know what love is.

every time

i think i found a lover,

it’s star-crossed,

they’re never aligned

and it makes me wonder

if it’ll ever be my time.

valentine’s day

made its way here

so fast,

everyone’s falling in love

while i’m on the run,

anytime the feelings

start to bubble up,

i fizzle out,

too scared to face them

head on,

so i write poems

until they pass,

except they never do.

we’re born alone,

we die alone,

so we’re all looking

for a connection

while we’re here,

but my connection

got cut short,

someone snipped the cord

and no amount of solder

could put it back

to what it once was.

i’d barely stand a chance

anyway,

everyone would always say

you have to love yourself

to love someone else,

as if i could love

all the problems i’ve got,

love is a risk

and i’m stuck in my cocoon,

never to step out.

don’t even feel like

i can handle it,

already fold under pressure

and a relationship’s

the greatest deal of it,

wanna be a good partner

but would i be enough?

so much stress on myself,

a pathological people pleaser

like taylor,

and yeah…

i wouldn’t marry me either.

who would see anything in me anyway?

4. i’m not saying i’m spider-man but have you ever seen us in the same room?

they said they wanna see

what a tortured poet

really looks like,

i got a couple hundred

you can read

if you’re tryna see

my life,

take a step

outside your mind

to check out mine.

a twisted vision,

25

but a kid

on the inside,

out of place

with everyone in sight,

using these words

as a means to stay alive

because writing

is the only thing

he really does right.

the revolution

will not be televised,

like desmond said,

you’re just gonna feel it

so be advised,

knocked down

a hundred times

yet still

i rise

like maya,

the poetry king

as advertised,

live and in the flesh,

getting some rhymes off

to remind you

why his mind

is one of the greatest alive.

“they don’t build statues

of the critics,”

so good thing

i’m a poet, too,

a wizard with words

that might be

unheard,

but like HOV said,

i’ll keep showing up,

and i’ll get the trophies

i know i deserve.

emily was ahead

of her time,

so i guess i’ll be

ahead of mine,

everybody

will be writing

and they’ll be thanking me,

all the next-gen poets

i’ll be inspiring,

put me in

the hall of fame already,

mo’s the only one

to get in unanimously

but he’s about

to have some company.

no debate,

i’m the greatest

who’s ever done it

but i’m still not done yet,

i’d say i’m in my prime

but i got a prime

that’s lasting my whole life,

i’ll probably never peak

because i’ll just keep

topping

every last thing i write,

they might be

sleeping on me,

but they’ll see me,

one day,

it’ll be my name

on the marquee.

3. i had a different name planned but i was politely asked to censor it

december 25th,

the most special time,

can you hear

the music?

can you feel

the joy

in the air?

it’s christmas day,

hooray!

i’m still depressed.

bury myself

in my work

to distract me

from the war

my conscience is fighting in,

maybe a minute

to forget

all the existential shit,

soon as midnight hit,

i couldn’t feel the spirit,

what good is it

when a holiday

has nothing special to give?

childlike joy

from the presents

no longer exists,

and the meaning

of it all

gets lost

when God’s not home,

so what’s even left

in this?

spend the day

home alone like kevin,

made ‘em disappear,

but unlike the movies,

there’s no happy ending,

say that blood

is thicker than water

just to trick you

and bleed you dry,

and all you’re good for

in their eyes

is gossip and lies.

they try to paint me

as the bad guy

even when i’m in the right,

ignore all the signs

and try to find

anyone but themselves

to take the blame,

take advantage of you

in your lowest mental states.

i’m just tryna make it

to new year’s day,

none of them see

the way

i’m fighting,

i’m tryna survive,

but my line of sight

is like every answer

they give

because i can’t

get ‘em straight.

how was i

so blinded before?

what did i do

to push through

the abuse?

what made me

so starry eyed

and oblivious

to it all before?

how was the boy

so positive

in that environment?

sometimes i wish

i could go back in time

and ask that kid

for advice,

how’d you put up

with the guy?

i doubt he’d have

sounded wise,

though i’m sure

it’d be real nice.

but i gotta stay

in this current time

and let ‘em run

with their stories,

i’ll give ‘em

something to write about,

make me the villain

in your superhero movie,

just remember

that this life

is really knives out,

and a twist

can come

at any moment.

so keep writing those scripts.

we’ll see

who the real villain is

in the end.

2. is it narcissistic to use the term “self-effacing” to describe yourself?

i’ve been holding onto hope

for far too long,

keep telling myself

that it’ll have to get better,

something will change

and luck will return,

but it feels like each day,

there’s a new worst,

thought i’d reached the lowest point

but somehow,

i’ve buried the bar underground.

it never gets easier,

just a little less sad,

every day

is a new kinda bad,

i just wanna be

a better friend,

but i just keep finding ways

to mess it up again.

i’m sorry for the times

when i’m distant,

i just get busy

thinking

of all the reasons

why i don’t deserve you,

i didn’t wanna do it again,

but i’m back to feeling

like they all deserve better

than me.

that self-hate

is what sent me

to the worst place

in the first place,

i thought i could escape

but it always

finds a way

to drag me back in,

creating more harmful

ruminations

that i can’t erase,

do whatever it takes

but they won’t go away.

comparison

is the root of all evil,

but i can’t stop doing it,

they all got

these big plans

and ambitions,

while i’m nothing

but dreams and delusions.

and the tides of life

got me terrified,

got me scared

of ending up alone,

everyone wants

to find a new place

to call home,

but the city’s

the only home i know.

let me get out of my mind,

just for a bit,

i tell everyone else

that life is worth it,

i wish i felt that

about myself,

suffocated by my own

expectations

and i’m just trying

to reach them,

even though i can’t breathe,

guess i’ll keep

holding onto hope

that i find some relief.

i’m going home now.

1. i had the best night of my life last night until i woke up

another trip around the sun,

25 but who’s counting?

i’ve got everything

that i could ever want

outside of love,

success, comfort,

stability and sanity,

but i’ve got everything else!

wake up midday

to a feeling of dread,

but at least i’m feeling

anything at all,

still have to wait

to talk to a therapist,

but i struck up

a nice conversation

with the wall.

waste an hour

after my shower

while i ponder

all the troublesome thoughts,

then remind myself

how much the hobbies i loved

no longer bring me much.

it’s a quiet life

but it’s the life for me,

i’m like cassie

the way i’ve never ever

been happier,

we’re all just trying

to keep it together,

but like peter, i’m just

tryna do better,

and i’m failing miserably.

i say that i’m fine

while i’m dead inside,

barely feeling

like i have

enough words to write,

they always say

“you’re exactly where

you’re supposed to be.”

so where i’m

supposed to be

is sad and lonely?

really?

the GPS must be malfunctioning,

because how’d i get

so existential on the ride?

smiling and dying

at the same damn time,

am i really living

or am i just alive?

the days feel long,

but they’re gone in an instant,

january took forever

but how it’s already february?

and i just wanna feel

like i’m worth it,

a young man burdened

by his glorious purpose,

i barely even know

what it is

because i’m just trying

to live,

i’m scared i’ll lose it all,

but at least then,

i’ll have nothing to lose,

been at the bottom

so long

that i’ve even got a bed

down here.

take a step out

for a minute,

time spent with my friends

that i already miss

while i’m still in it,

every ride home

brings the same melancholy,

when the night’s over

and i’m all alone,

back at the house

with only my thoughts,

“goodnight, peoples,

i’m definitely not thinking

about death anymore.”

just fixating.

what a life.

be safe preface

it always warms my heart to see all of you still here. today, i bring you my 32nd poetry album, “be safe.” it’s amazing to me that i’ve gotten to write this many. this project came amid some very rough times in my personal life, as i’ve been trying to keep my head on straight while i wait to receive the help that i need (wow, that could’ve been a line on the album). in the meantime, i’ve found that writing can help heal through those tough times, so i thought i should do it, as writing is one of the only things i’m particularly good at. i also wanted to get a bit more creative with the formatting on this one, unleashing my raw feelings in a bit of a different way. i’m unbelievably proud of what i’ve made here, and i hope it brings comfort to anyone who may also be struggling. take care of yourselves, and as the title says, “be safe”:

1. i had the best night of my life last night until i woke up

2. is it narcissistic to use the term “self-effacing” to describe yourself?

3. i had a different name planned but i was politely asked to censor it

4. i’m not saying i’m spider-man but have you ever seen us in the same room?

5. it was a happy valentine’s day until this poem came along

6. a poem for the days when standing up feels hard

7. why do medications have side effects if they’re supposed to help you?

8. this is the closest i’ve gotten to putting my screenwriting degree to use

9. today was the longest month of my life

10. hug the people you love and care about a little tighter

FPEMP

coming off december,

i thought i had it all,

but i had to fall

to know the feel

of the bottom,

used poetry to cope,

but i got too livid

when i should’ve

kept my lip bitten

and all i did was cause

further division,

contributed to the friction

and now i cringe

at some of the shit i said.

thought i was

healing myself,

but i was harming

in the process,

got a little

too close to the ledge

and had to face

the consequences,

had to learn

that even a perfectionist slips.

it was always

“write what’s real”

but the “real”

was ruminations,

baseless fears

and misinterpretations,

it was good intentions

that i wasn’t accepting,

painted the worst images

and sent the wrong messages,

my mind was facing

the wrong direction,

had the best ones

uncomfortable,

and rightfully so.

who would’ve thought

the best shit you wrote

would hurt ‘em the most?

i did what i was

scared of

and i lost ‘em,

didn’t value them

as a friend should,

only exhausted them

and caused more pain,

and the world’s a worse place

when the fam ain’t right.

i have and will

apologize

a thousand times

for all the ways

i wronged them,

i applaud them

for forgiving me

for things

i’m still trying

to forgive myself for,

but i know

they’ll be there

to carry me

when i fall to the floor.

i heard some shit

that doja said

that got me wishing

for a life like that,

a team that’s strong

and tight like that,

i was in the wrong

but i wanna make it

right like that,

i wanna be there

for my people

through the good and the bad,

i don’t know

if i could ever

pay ‘em back

for the way

they’ve had my back,

but i’ll do the best i can.

meditate to clear my mind,

heal and realize

i’ve got the best kind

of people in my life,

could’ve left me

when i messed up

and i lost my mind,

but you made sure

i wasn’t left behind,

and i promise

to be a shoulder

when you cry,

my people

are my meaning of life,

and for them,

i’ll be the best me

that i can be

for as long as i’m alive.

“fuck people except my peoples.”