6. 11pm in philly (bonus track)

i haven’t had a minute

to talk my shit,

after all i put up with,

i think i deserve it,

2021, i kept getting kicked,

loneliest i’ve ever been,

but i’m still in this,

tryna find my own success,

while the others stay useless,

someone talking down?

yeah, i heard through the vine,

the same narrative,

they all say that i’m lazy,

these motherfuckers

can’t parent their kids,

but wanna act

like they know my life,

but keep talking shit,

i still won’t quit,

i’ll stay in my world

and work towards my wins,

you provide nothing productive,

no surprise,

they tried to put me down

but i’m still alive,

i said never to push me,

but nobody listens,

live in their ignorance

while they’re taking the piss,

i’ve been quiet for the longest,

be glad i protect,

but one of these days,

i won’t be so kind,

when i’m winning,

i’m not giving you

a piece of my pie,

i’m saving it

for the real ones

that stay by my side,

shoutout to my friends

that hear me out

through the best

and worst times,

i’m gonna win in a way

that they wouldn’t even try.

don’t push a writer…

guess some people

needed to hear that again…

5. cheers to me

waiting for my flowers,

i know i deserve ‘em,

been through hell

but i’m still here

to tell the tale,

i still hit my lows

and the pain won’t go,

but look what i’ve built

along the way,

jack of all trades,

my versatility

shines through,

even when i’m kissing

the bottom,

can’t say

i’m ever afraid

of the drop.

anyone that wants

to try and do it better,

go ahead,

i’m waiting,

that ain’t a challenge,

it’s an invitation,

i’d rather welcome

collaboration

than battle one

that wants

to be my replacement.

i’m not going away,

so you’d better

get used

to hearing my name,

‘cause whether i live

to see it or not,

i know i’m gonna

die a legend.

make a toast for me,

the king claiming

the throne,

content soldier,

look at me go,

took the blows

from those

that thought i’d slow,

yet i still

put on a show,

never stop the flow,

still got so many goals,

watch out,

i’m about to glow,

ready to be everything

they said i’d never be,

i’ll win on my own terms,

so place your bets,

because i’m set for success.

cheers to me.

4. party

9:47 pm,

seventh trip

to the bathroom,

wondering

if i should lock

myself in,

this is new

to me

and i’m overwhelmed,

everything feels louder

than it really is,

what do i get

when i head back?

disassociating,

had to move away

from the corner

where someone

was throwing up

next to me,

just focus

on the movie

on screen,

haven’t had

a bite to eat,

not so hungry,

too many people,

counted 19,

i give a wave

when they stop by,

but i try

to pretend

i’m not here.

i’m too shy

for this scene,

great party

but mentally,

it’s bleeding me,

happy for the invite,

but i’m always

my most awkward

when the world

can see it.

won’t leave yet,

i’ll stay for my friends

who might feel the same,

try to hold

a conversation

and hope they don’t

abandon me.

alright, let’s head back down.

3. love made me lose myself

love gave me pain

when i was supposed

to be smiling,

love took away

the optimism

from my life before,

love made me regret

the very words

i’ve written here,

love made all

the positivity

turn to fear,

love made me

hold back

the real feelings

to avoid the hurt.

love was a gaslight

burning under me,

love was a lack

of responsibility,

love was painting me

as the bad guy,

love was silencing

without accountability,

love was apologizing

for my mistakes

without getting any back,

love was saying

“that’s just who i am”

instead of growing

from your toxicity,

love was causing rifts

in friendships

because of immaturity.

love was manipulation,

love was trauma,

love was losing trust,

love was being used,

love was being led on,

love was never compromising,

love was taking advantage,

love was leaving scars,

love was spending every day

feeling like a 10 and a 0

all at one time

all because of one person,

love was the last straw,

love was having the rug

pulled from under me

and losing the innocence

life had given me

for so many years.

love made me lose myself.

2. journal

sun’s coming up,

but my eyes haven’t shut,

my mind’s getting fried,

and it’s all falling apart,

i’m in shambles,

another trip to the bathroom,

nothing’s feeling good,

taking in all these pills,

but i’m still no better,

keep thinking life’s

trying to find

new ways to kill me,

don’t want me

to achieve my dreams,

divine beings

wanna see me six feet deep.

in a crowded room

but i feel alone,

thought i pushed past it,

but i’m right back

where i started,

constantly trying

to convince myself

that they care,

but where’d they go?

most lonesome

i’ve felt in my life,

like they don’t even

want me around,

it’s all my fault,

brought it on myself,

so i live with the pain.

i lost it all in ’21,

my vacation,

my body,

my mental,

my friends,

i’m defeated,

yet i’m still

pretending i have things

figured out,

but the bad thoughts

crowd around

in my brain,

they all hate me,

already drained,

can i just have

one good day?

i can’t take this.

1. crisis

i’m having my first

mid-life crisis,

didn’t think i could skip

so far ahead,

but the quarter-life

has gone for too long.

haven’t had

a good night’s sleep

in weeks,

i’m scared to close

my eyes,

what if they don’t

open again?

in my dreams,

all i see

is a reflection

of the pressure

i’ve been placing

on myself,

and i can’t stop

my mind from racing

as i alternate

between sleep and wake.

they say to enjoy our youth,

as if these aren’t

the worst years

of our lives,

like we’re not scared

that we’re all gonna die,

like we don’t have to worry

if our friends

are gonna make it out alive,

as if we’re not

living just to survive,

praying that we make it

to 25,

and that one day,

the world finally

answers our cries

for help.

7 years to 30,

yet i still see

the clock ticking,

telling me

i’m growing weary,

but i wanna be

taken seriously,

i want to feel like

i matter,

i’ve been knocked down

too many times,

i want luck

for once

to be on my side,

i want to feel

like everything

will be alright,

i want to feel

like i’m not spiraling,

losing my mind,

i want a sign of light

in this dark, dreary life.

end this nightmare.

worst years of our lives preface

it's nice to see everyone again. last time we talked, i mentioned that i was hard at work on a lot of poetry, and now i'm ready with another mini-album, which i call "worst years of our lives." i went into this without a concept; i just wanted to write some real, raw, unfiltered, brutally honest poems about how life has been treating me recently. for some of us, these last few years have been some of the worst of our lives, and we don't know what the next ones will hold. but i know that art is a place of comfort, and an outlet that allows us to let our emotions spill out as honestly as possible. that's the inspiration behind this project. so i hope you all enjoy this set of poems, and don't worry, my 30th full-length album is in the works. i hope to have it out soon. in the meantime, i hope you all are well, and are ready to let the nighttime have the floor: 

1. crisis

2. journal

3. love made me lose myself

4. party

5. cheers to me

6. 11pm in philly (bonus track)