heartbreak prelude

happiest of moments are
still filled with sadness,
i try my best but i can’t
get this out of my head,
she’s still racing through
and i’m shaking as i think
of all that i lost and i’m in
a state of unease, since i
can’t even focus on these
words that i’m writing down.

the emotions usually spill
straight onto the page, but
the only thing spilling now
are the tears from my eyes.
i wish i could just feel better
about it all, and be happier,
but my heart stays shattered,
and just as quick as i’m able
to love and enjoy myself, i’m
back in this state of self-hate,
because i’m reminded of her,
and her, and her, and her, too.

the one who ghosted me, then
the one i pushed away early,
the one i wasn’t enough for,
and the one that i missed
because i was an idiot and
didn’t care when i should’ve.
love and i just weren’t meant
to be down with each other,
and that’s why i’m seated
here, all on my lonesome,
because i just can’t do it.

i just want happiness,
but it won’t come here,
it just runs away and it
points and laughs at me.
and while the world moves
and sings “thank u, next,”
getting over past love, i
cry on my couch and play
“let her go” on loop, since
i see her in my sleep, but
know she’ll never be mine,
and i dove so deep that i’ll
only struggle to feel better.

but this is just the prelude,
bet things only get worse.

cold memories

laying in the cold room
in the back of the house,
tried so hard but couldn’t
warm myself up at all, no
blanket or jacket can get
me back, and the heat’s
gone in this lonely house.

as i lay chilled, i’m
reminded of all the
cold memories i’ve
collected over time,
when i was shoved
to the side, lied to,
told me you’d love
forever and always
be here for me, but
then you’d leave in
a sudden flash, and
years later, i still say
it hurts me, even as
people say “fuck her,”
because i can’t tell
where i went wrong,
how i made you leave.

questioned my confidence
ever since that time, and i
fear the others will soon go.
the cycle seems to repeat,
and as i fall asleep on this
bed, wrapped in the sheets,
another loyal one leaves and
it’s harder to breathe because
i want them to stay with me.
trying not to feel pain, but i’m
powerless in the process, and
i prove to be petulant while i’m
praying now for your presence.

i crave the warmth,
i want the memories
to just go away, but
they haunt as i lay,
and it’s hard to find
comfort in this house,
but here i am now, i’m
heavy in the hatred.
some demons don’t
leave you alone, and
i wish that they would,
but they’re all too cold.

life can be unfair, can’t it?

love

fucked-up world where
all the love is leaving,
and all we have instead
is hatred and turmoil,
but sometimes, it feels
like i contributed to that
turmoil when i didn’t love
as much as i should have.
so much i do regret saying,
i wish i could change it, but
i missed out on the train, and
now i’m stuck here in the rain.

i wish i loved her then
like i miss her now, but
that’s just what you get
when you take their love
and their care for granted.
now i don’t even wanna go
sleep at night, because all
i get here is dreams of her.
didn’t even wanna get out
of my bed today because
my heart hurt me so hard,
i’m not doing so well now.

you always wish for
one more chance, but
sometimes you’re not
blessed with such luck,
i learned the hard way,
don’t let a good one go,
all those sad love songs
were actually right, and
they hit a lot harder now
than they ever did before.
the euphoric summer nights,
bet they won’t feel the same.

but that’s love for ya. it hurts.

11. 2018 (bonus track)

fuck 2018.

lost all my faith,
never be a day
where i can say
“He’s just okay,”
i feel ashamed,
but it’s the way
God’s just made
this shit, hooray!
wants me to die,
why can’t He try
to make my life
a little bit nice
just one time,
oh, Lord on high,
give me the sign,
am i a bad guy?

she said “i’m sorry”
i said “don’t be, i’m
not worth energy,”
twenty eighteen
has been killing me,
seriously fatigued,
fuck me, not worth
being happy, and
i’m not trying to
sound so sappy,
but life grabs me
and it attacks me,
all so fucking taxing,
can i relax, please?

this year’s been shit,
just wanna go get rid
of these evil spirits,
they’ve got business,
they’re all gonna stick,
want to see me dead,
i’m rewriting my script,
i’m fucking tired of this,
He lost all my respect,
good luck getting it back,
2018, never wanna snap
my life on over to that.

yeah, fuck 2018…
end this shitty year already…
happy new year, bitches…

i’m out.

10. i'm not sorry

i’m not sorry
for what i say.
when i write this,
i’m unashamed,
i’m not afraid to
call myself a God
or speak on one
who tried to hurt,
because a writer
isn’t one to push.
too much time i’ve
spent feeling like
i had to say sorry
for the things that
i’ve done and said,
even wrote a poem
apologizing to all,
even if they didn’t
need me to do it.
i’m tired of feeling
like i should just be
afraid to speak and
be honest with you,
this is just who i am.
an anxious and sad
but equally happy
guy who says what
he truly believes and
won’t apologize for
annoying others with
the things i put out.
14 albums in 2018,
you know what i am?
the hardest worker
you’ll ever find, even
when i sleep ‘till 4 pm.
who cares if the world
doesn’t ever recognize?
i’m proud of who i am
and the words i write,
and i won’t let anyone
take that away from me.

i’m not sorry.

9. I am a God

I am a God.

I am YOUR God.

I am the God of
the written word.

I am the God
of the poetry.

I don’t have any
ego complex, no,
I just so happen to
be the God of poetry.

when using my pronouns,
you shall call me “He/His”
instead of saying “he/his.”

thou shalt have no
others Gods but Me.

thou shalt not take
My name in vain.

thou shalt keep holy
the days of release.

honor thy writers and poets.

thou shalt not
kill the art form.

thou shalt not commit
the act of ghostwriting.

thou shalt not steal
another’s words.

thou shalt not lie
in the written word.

thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor writer
or thine own work.

this is My word.

I am a God.

8. say it again

“i’m a platinum artist,
got a platinum girl,
she’s a platinum heart,
it’s a platinum world,
driving platinum cars,
in a platinum ford, i
got a platinum start,
stay platinum? sure!”

haha, nah, cut that shit…

fake stuff, let’s do it again…

taking a second to think
about the rhymes this time,
because i’m trying to find
the right design to remind
these guys that the lines
i write are fine, and i might
just like to go, you know, my
flows are so explosive, rapid,
back to the past, pack bags,
let’s drag it to that, the old,
no holes barred, just go hard,
don’t show scars, rhyme bars,
can’t go too far, words aren’t
the real part, the rhymes are.

if it sounds good, you should
go put that on facebook, the
world’s shook, they mistook,
the rhymes hooked, and now
it’s all booked, won’t care if
stories aren’t there, can’t
share the personal tales,
just let the rhymes flow,
keep it in time, though,
rhymezone, why moan?
fly show, dry toe, shy beau!

sounds dumb, doesn’t it?

i quit with the rhymes then,
the rhythm just filled in, i
still win, yeah, killing this,
triple it quick ‘cause i’m
illing out, spilling loud
feelings, the realest,
appealing, no stealing
lines i’m dealing, yeah.
but i bring it now when
there’s slivers of doubt,
you see what i’m about,
never stuck in a drought,
never chasing for clout
but i am gonna tout that
i’m king with the crown
and i’m not coming down.

haha, that was fun…
not bad to throwback
once in a while, you know…
2018, what a time to be alive…
just hope 2019 ends up better…

alright, i’m off this one.

5. lost a friend

i lost my best friend today.

i never thought
i’d see the day,
but the call from
your mom was
the hardest i’ve
had to receive.
she found you
lying on the floor,
pills around you,
she was too late
to try saving you,
OD was complete
and you were gone.

i’m writing this letter
to say my last goodbye,
but i’m trying not to cry
because i know you’ll
never see these words
i write down tonight.
and i’m fighting tears,
i wish i was there when
they all tried to hurt you.
i couldn’t stand up to them,
i wasn’t able to back you up,
and it’s my fault you’re gone
and i can’t come by to tell you,
“everything will be alright and
those assholes don’t matter.”

so even though you won’t
ever see these words, i just
want to say sorry i wasn’t
there to comfort you then.
tears roll down my face and
i’m sorry i couldn’t be your
shoulder to cry on in the pain.
i’m sorry i wasn’t the friend
you deserved to have then,
the one to get you through
and prove you’re cared for
when everyone else wanted
you to go off and end it all.
i’m sorry i couldn’t save you,
i couldn’t stop the bullying,
i couldn’t let you know how
much you really mean to me.

i’m sorry i couldn’t help you.

7. you got this, girl

i know everything that
you’re going through is
weighing down on you,
and life just keeps on
kicking, never giving
a chance to dance,
you can’t stand it.
just want a second
to feel special, and
it starts to feel like
everyone around you
couldn’t care less if
you’re happy or sad.
you feel so alone and
think no one’s there,
you’re better off gone,
there’s no one to love.

but i promise you are loved.

you’re far better
than you think,
and i’ve seen it,
just caught up in
what he made you
think of yourself,
he tried to rip all of
your confidence and
make you feel lower
than you actually are.
he made you forget
just how to love you,
you felt you weren’t
worth anything at all.

but you’re more than worth it.

you’re strong and brave
and you’re so unafraid,
and you don’t need him
to tell you the opposite.
you’re independent and
a wonder to behold, girl,
and i know that the world
will help you realize that.
don’t be afraid to show off,
you deserve all the praise,
take life at your own pace,
and keep on doing great.

you got this, girl.

6. may i have this dance?

i know they hurt you,
made you feel weak,
they didn’t treat you
the way you deserve.
all of the pain and the
stress starts to rise, and
you feel it’s impossible
to trust a single person,
for fear that they might
hurt you the same way.
but just for this night,
i ask you once kindly,

may i have this dance?

may we have one night
to move together and
forget everything else?
take away the hurting,
forget what they did,
and just be happy now?
you deserve to be loved,
and i want you to make
you the happiest ever,
even if it’s just for one
single small bit of time,
can we do this together?

can we have one moment?

let’s sway back and forth,
rest your head upon my
shoulder and feel safe.
enjoy the magic of it all,
feel comfort in knowing
that we have each other,
and i won’t hurt you in the
same way that they all did.
let me hold you in my arms
as a slow-dance track plays,
and forget those that hurt you,
i promise i won’t do the same.

would you like to dance?

4. everything's my fault

but i can’t stop,
because it’s all
a catharsis, and
as i write more,
it gets better, if
only for a second,
until i realize that
shit just got worse,
and i’ve gotta go
back to the pad
and type out more,
because i’ve gotta
let it all out, but i
just make myself
feel worse, and
it all goes to shit.
words don’t form,
what am i saying?
i don’t even know,
but i do know that
it’s all my fault you
wanna go away, i
can’t try to change
the way you feel,
but it hurts when
i realize that you’re
growing apart, and
i want it all to stop,
go back to before,
but i know i can’t,
it never gets better,
self-hating forever,
i want you here but
i lost my chance and
you won’t come back,
start to feel like i won’t
find happiness like what
you gave me before, so
i just stay on my own,
i know i’m not worth it.

everything’s my fault.

i’m not worth anyone’s time.

3. i'm not worth anyone's time

gimme some time,
i’m wallowing in my
own self-pity again
because it’s all i can
really do when i’m on
my own, here all alone.
who’s really gonna give
a shit about where i go
or what i do or how i live?
everyone’s just waiting to
get out of my life and leave
me out to dry, wouldn’t care
when or where i will die, but i
just sit alone and try not to cry,
no, i’m not worth anyone’s time,
and i don’t need any sympathy,
there’s nobody praying for me,
deity, get it all away from me,
if you mean it, just say it to me,
but i know that you wouldn’t,
never feeling good, i’m rough
wanting to push this up and
feel like i’m good enough but
i know that i’m not, it sucks.
i remember there was a time
where i didn’t have to think
about any of this, but now
the world’s a little darker
and everyone’s starting
to come and go faster,
it’s making me wonder
just how soon others
are going to tell me
to shut the fuck up,
stop writing out all
my damn feelings.

2. rattle

feel like every
good moment
i ever have is
a false climax,
and i’ll just fall
right on back to
what made me
wanna write that.
low point incoming,
seventh this year,
i really just have to
wonder where my
act 3 comes in at.

or what if i’m just
flipping the script
and i’m living in a
cycle where act 3
flips right back to
act 2 and it never
gets a resolution?
act 1 decision was
to live out this big,
hellish nightmare,
fits of anxiety will
all pass one day,
but awfully soon,
a day turns two,
two goes fourth,
onto the eighth
and i just want
to stay in bed.

heart pounds as i
write these words,
any second now,
i’m gonna pass out,
no one’s around but
they aren’t far off,
i can’t calm down,
what if i do conk?
how will they react?
will they tell my mom?
what’ll teachers say?

shit, some strangers
just showed up and
are right next to me
while i’m struggling
to calm myself down.
i’m petrified of it all.
feel like i’ll throw up,
i can’t stop shaking,
i don’t even know how
to form words anymore,
i’m just bashing on my
keyboard, typing things
and it’s going to shit,
today was supposed to
be all perfect, how did
any of this happen now?

i keep changing the name
of this fucking poem now,
one minute it’s “screenplay,”
then it’s “attack,” can i just
call it “rattle” or something?
i don’t even know what i’m
saying anymore, just please
make this stop now, i’m not
even trying to rhyme like i
was at first, and my lines are
just getting uneven right now,
how many times have i said
“now” in this damn poem?
i’m in public having an attack
and this is fucking terrifying,
i hate every second of this,

JUST STOP!

1. here i am again

how can one love
so strong and yet
get no love back?
how do they pour
every little thing
into many others,
and not feel that
same effort, too?
love’s one of those
terrible demons that
never lets you have
things your own way.

why can i not find
my own person?
why does the one
i want to love never
want to love back?
why do i not get to
love them until they
fall out of it with me?
how do they fall out
of love so easily?
what if i get the one
i want to love, but
they just become
too tired of me?
why does love play
all of these games,
and never give me
hope or happiness?

is it love’s fault,
or is it my own?
is love picking me
as a punching bag,
or am i the one that
causes all of this?
am i un-lovable?
will i ever have the
satisfaction of love?
or will it continue to
escape my grasp?
what do i do now?

i guess i just try
focusing on me,
learning to feel
content in my
lonesomeness,
try to enjoy the
company of me,
earn my own love
before anyone else
steals my heart...but,
i’m too used to me.
i spend far too much
time on my own now,
it starts to get dull.
when am i gonna get
that lovey shit people
make a big deal about?

never, i bet.

headspace preface

went with a surprise release on what's my last album of 2018, "headspace." short one, just something to stuff your stockings with during this holiday season. merry christmas, bitches.

the downers: these poems are, obviously, the more sad, less optimistic ones.

1. here i am again

2. rattle

3. i'm not worth anyone's time

4. everything's my fault

5. lost a friend

the uppers: these poems are, obviously, the more happy, confident ones.

6. may i have this dance?

7. you got this, girl

8. say it again

9. I am a God

10. i'm not sorry

11. 2018 (bonus track) - for the first time in the history of my poetry albums, i included a bonus track. i was gonna release this as a standalone single, but it felt like it would be worth releasing alongside the album. basically this poem serves as a wrap-up for what's been the worst year of my life. hey, no one ever said 20 would be easy.

erase

i want to erase it all.

take away the pain,

the evil, the hurting,

remove all the bad,

negative things and

live to my happiest,

never afraid, shamed,

but i can’t do it today.

script can’t be changed,

this all feels the same,

it‘s never alright and

it never gets better,

shit’s on a new level,

i never can settle and

no matter what, i’m

just never enough.

not one to love and

i say that a lot but

it’s all just the truth,

i’m just gonna lose,

everyone’s leaving,

‘tis the season, just

another reason to

hate my own being.

i keep on pushing,

but it’s all so rough,

“smile through pain,”

that’s pretty tough,

attack as i type and i

never feel nice, can i

just have one night to

not feel so uptight?

freestyle writing, i’m

feeling so frightened,

want this all to end,

please never again,

it’s a vicious cycle,

i’ll never escape so

i’ll never feel vital

and never feel safe.

putting on a face?

i feel so ashamed,

deserve all the hate,

no i don’t feel great,

my life’s in a circle,

it’s all in reversal,

i’m just such a mess,

i’m never the best.

i want to erase it all.

10. who am i?

who am i?

i’m the guy that
never gets any
surprise parties.
i’m the guy that
never wakes up
to text messages
from anyone that
isn’t my mother.
i’m the guy who
never gets the
“good morning”
from anyone in
a sweet ol’ text.
i’m the guy that
never gets a cool
paragraph post
on social media
telling me how
loved i really am
on my birthday.
i’m the guy that’s
never a first choice
to hang out with.
i’m the guy that’s
not really special.
i’m the guy that’s
not cool enough
for any of those.

i’m just me.

i’m a floater.
i don’t have
a true clique,
i’m in and out
of every circle,
i’m never doing
exciting things,
i’m never out
at some party
living life and
enjoying that.
i never have a
person to love,
because all of
the ones i love
don’t want me,
and the ones
that love me,
i push away.
i’m only ever
sitting inside,
all on my own,
writing it out.

because i’m not exciting.

i wish i was cooler,
i wish i was special,
i wish i was popular,
i wish i was better,
i wish i was bigger,
i wish i was smarter,
i wish i was taller,
i wish i was stronger,
i wish i was the one
that had everybody
looking up to me and
feeling inspired by me,
but i’m not that guy.
i’m just a statistic in
this world of greats,
but i’m here, i exist,
i’m doing my thing,
and in the very end,
that’s all that matters.

9. poetry is my drug

poetry is my drug.

the only thing that
makes me unclean
is the writing that i
create with these.
xans, percs, weed,
molly and lean, all
not stuff for me, i’d
rather go re-read
the poems i weave,
perfectly seamed,
i’m living the dream,
as a poet, i mean.

but i keep coming
right on back after
so little time away,
almost feels like i’m
slowly going astray,
because i can’t wait,
don’t drop this late.
sometimes i’m even
too early for it, that
makes me worried
if i’m giving myself
one too many doses.

or am i giving
everyone else
more doses
than they all
know what
to do with?
what do i do
with all this?
keep pushing
and drop it all?
i just never know
if i’m over the hill.

8. sweet dreams

run for your life,
little time remains,
you hear the clang
of the knives and,
in the dead of night,
no light to guide you,
think you’ll survive?
head down the street,
it’s the only good lane,
think you’ll get away?
i would be very afraid.

stopped in your tracks,
a body, freshly slain,
blood runs down and
it drains, attempts to
save him are in vain.
you forget it’s a trap,
just as you look on,
should’ve got gone.
the beast jumps and
takes over your sight,
as you try to run off,
you’re just too late,
now with no escape,
the killer, post haste,
grabs by your face

*SLIT*

your body drops,
plops to the floor,
head in his hand,
who knows where
his throw will land?
looks like you just
weren’t that fast,
a thing of the past,
you aren’t his last,
the killing just has
to end en masse.
but you couldn’t
stop this mess,
now you’re dead,
decapitated head
on someone’s step,
and that one gets
a look at you and
a quick thrill before
heading off to bed.

sleep tight. sweet dreams.

7. the man

won’t catch me
throwing shit at
the wall until it
decides to stick
because i don’t
write any shit.
even my worst
ends up a hit,
go picture this,
year later, it’s lit,
i fell in the pits,
but the poetry
king never quits
the life he lives.

the concepts
and the words,
they just work,
watch the boy
go berserk, he
has his quirks,
but believe it,
he keeps this
extreme with
the speed, he
can’t be beat,
the poetry elite,
he’s never weak,
all the blessings
land upon his feet.

don’t for a minute
believe he’s not
in this to win it,
livid on his keys,
aiming to please,
always exceeds,
he even succeeds
without the cheese.
crown fits snugly
upon my head, it’s
never coming off,
put rumors to bed.

i’m the man.

6. feel it

hardest worker
in the game and
i keep this real.
never catch me
talking about a
whip or a chain
or a mansion i
couldn’t afford.
boring shit, i want
you all adoring this,
but how will you all
gravitate towards it
if all the words that
i write are pointless?

would you enjoy this?

what if i went ahead
and talked about the
poverty i never faced?
act like i just had some
wild come-up when all
i ever did was grind and
write in my basement?
scrap that, replace this,
try not to sneak diss, and
add in a throwaway line
about being homeless,
when i really had nothing
but a life full of privilege.

that sounds genuine, doesn’t it?

fuck it, maybe
i’ll talk about
the jail time i
never did, to
make myself
seem harder
than the rest.
or maybe i’ll
really get put
in a jail cell,
so everyone
will rally and
try to free me,
the poetry will
blow up, like
the artists that
put a show on.
beating women
and pedo shit,
but still we try
defending it,
enabling it and
celebrating it.

we give them hits.

you won’t catch me
writing about a thing
that i can’t vouch for.
i’ll make you feel this
just like i did when i
was going through it.
all the highest highs
and the lowest lows,
you’re all gonna know
the whole of every go
and every challenge,
trial and tribulation,
risk and temptation,
joy and sensation.
of all these words
that i type out here,
you’ll never question
if they were ever real.

because you’ll feel it.

5. try me

i start to feel
like the world
is against me.
all they wanna
do is stop me
from being me.
just want to see
me reach a point
of complete defeat,
but i get back up,
achieve my dreams,
wait for the day that
you turn to a leech,
but your bullshit, i
just will not feed.

all your fake love
and hurtful lies
won’t ever get
past this guy,
i’m only here
for the people
that want me to
keep it pushing,
save me when i’m
full of exhaustion
from exalting all of
my fondness onto
this awful lot of
redonkulous tools
with an onslaught
of hate in their souls,
begging me to fall off
or get lost, when i’m
only gonna get strong
and prove them wrong.

i’m slowly becoming
the villain in my story,
harder to root for, but
i’m impossible to hate,
so you can’t help but
love me, i’m that great.
you can’t even come
hard at the kingdom,
i’m the hardest to diss,
you can’t even say shit.
anything you got on me,
i’ve said all that already,
even someone so sappy
has reason to be happy.
i’ll keep it going strong,
you can’t even blackball,
damn right i can go hard,
i keep up a strong guard.

so just try me.

4. perfect night

i want one perfect night.

it’s such a tough,
strong word, but
give me a night
that’ll be flawless.
it feels like all the
nights now are just
dull and anxious,
can i have one time
to feel like i’m more
than just a lonely,
isolated guy that
never feels special?

i just wish for it,
only you and i,
i wish we could
go back in time,
give another try,
be what we were
before life made
the feeling die.
i wish you would
want me in the
way i want you,
i wish i had just
one more shot
to do the things
i didn’t do before,
another chance
to be yours, and
work towards a
good vibration.

can i just have
a perfect night?
all this stressing,
brain’s so messy,
i want to relax it
with one who is
the most special.
just forget about
the overthinking,
and stop with the
worrying and fear,
just one, simple,
perfect night is
all that i ask now.
is that possible?

3. love is funny

love is funny.

it seems to favor
some over others,
and it shines most
during the summer.
when the sun’s out,
everyone’s found a
special person they
hold close to them,
cuddle and a kiss,
laying in the grass,
it’s complete bliss,
and let’s not forget
when the night falls,
the air feels different,
the music plays as
the two of you lay,
and it’s pure magic.

but it’s tragic, when
the moment passes,
no more candles lit,
the love fades away
as they blend into
the masses, and
you’re just asking
for some padding
but what you had
is gone, didn’t last.
suddenly, you lose,
didn’t think it would
ever defuse, but all
of the wrong moves
happened to be used.

and as i watch you
run off with another,
someone stronger,
far better than i’d
ever think i could be,
i just stare and wish
that person was me.
almost feels like i’ll
never find a human
as beautiful as you,
shocked but it’s true.
guess it’s kinda funny,
the games love plays,
funny for others but
not so much for me.

2. isolated

i feel so isolated.

it feels like i’m
stuck all alone,
i’m never gonna
leave this shell,
only gonna go
separate myself
more from life.
it just starts to
feel like i don’t
have anywhere
worth going that
isn’t my home,
and it feels like
the people that
i give my time to
will abandon me
in a quick flash.

it sucks when
you want to go
say something
to someone, but
you feel like they
don’t care to hear.
don’t want you to
hang around, either,
and i started to fear
that everyone would
turn out just like that,
just leave me out flat,
dry me on the rack,
never to come back.

all this darkness here
brings out my worst,
creates all the hate
that i fling at myself.
but it feels like i’ve
locked myself up in
this eternal darkness,
it grows more bleak
and hope is futile,
but i just want out,
i want to be happy,
is that so difficult?

1. spiraling

everything’s swirling,
my thoughts are all
stuck in a whirlwind,
all the world’s been
yelling in my ear and
i wanna be sincere,
but as i lay here, it’s
like i’m losing myself.
want your company,
please comfort me,
before the darkness
conquers me, and it
tries to demolish me.
not trying to sound
like i’m cheesy, but
i feel kinda queasy,
all this negativity is
really getting to me.
want to be with you,
rid myself of these
awful thoughts, and
feel just like i belong.
the battle gets harder,
i’m pushing through it,
but it feels like i’m not
getting out any farther.
wanna go shut down,
time away from it all,
i’m stuck in a free-fall,
everything’s too dark.
separate from society,
starting to feel shaky,
all trying to break me,
it’s gonna overtake me.
just can’t think straight,
this i’m starting to hate,
words won’t form great,
i hope it’s not too late.

am i spiraling?

pitch black preface

my 16th full-length poetry album is “pitch black.” this album was written in almost complete darkness, with the only real light being my laptop, which was set to the lowest possible brightness. the album also occasionally takes things back to the rhythmic, rhyming feel that i went for when i first started poetry. it’s an album i adore, and i hope you guys love it, too. here’s the tracklisting:

1. spiraling

2. isolated

3. love is funny

4. perfect night

5. try me

6. feel it

7. the man

8. sweet dreams

9. poetry is my drug?

10. who am i?

what do you want me to say?

what do you want me to say?

“i popped a xan, i

fucked your bitch,

i shot your man,

he’s in a ditch,

light this up, i’m

smoking blunts,

she’s sucking me,

i’m fucking sweet.

sipping lean, i’m

smoking trees and

fucking these hoes

i’m supreme, and…”

wait, hold on hold on…

who the fuck wants to hear this?

stop, let’s try again.

i’m not with the fake shit,

you would do that for a hit?

yelling out “it’s lit!” but you

should quit, boy, take the hint.

i’m not a character, i’m me,

fuck what you think i mean

i’m innovative, underrated,

overlooked but off the hook.

16 albums written and i’m

never fucking dipping, i’m

working harder, on it longer,

crown i’m tightly gripping,

and i ain’t really rich in cash,

but i’m no one you can bash,

flip your words right back so

just don’t hit me, don’t attack.

triplet flow, and i fuck it up,

i’m just gonna take my dub,

go and talk about your blunt,

that won’t ever be enough,

all that shit’s fucking fake,

“yeah, i just beat a case,”

when are you gonna make

lines that are not about face?

here i am, at it again

and i’m going in, no,

i’m not here to offend,

but i’m telling it, this

is just how it is, man,

go and get a grip,

write me some shit

that’ll really hit, yeah.

can’t even write a diss,

not even good at this,

you’re so repetitive,

i’d like to see you spit,

words are my friends and

you’re here at your end,

so just give it a rest and

stop playing pretend.

yeah, that’s better.

don't compare me

top drawing courtesy of melbournechapter.net

left corner drawing courtesy of pinterest (artist’s name is lucas anjos, if the cursive signature is written that way) 

right corner drawing courtesy of coub.com

just because i’m
a poet and i play
with these words,
please don’t try
comparing me to
your favorite rapper.
chances are unless
they’re an old legend,
i’m better than them.
i’ll never say that i’m
pac, big, jay, em, kenny
like these soundcloud
boys like to go and do.

think of who you all
look up to and idolize,
won’t give love to zel
but you’ll go and rave
about the jolly rancher
with 69 tatted on him.
kyle can spy one hit,
but you pass on him
for a kid that can’t
hold down hot chips.

my third bag this week,
feel like i’m charged up
like the boy drizzy, damn,
big baby dram in the party
rolling broccoli but how is it
the real winner was yachty?
even brockhampton feeling
they gotta get better because
the lean sippers and the ones
getting face tats are charting.

i used to want the views
but if the way to get you
is for me to go off and do
all that? fuck no, stay low.
i’d rather be the poet with
no attention than the one
sipping from the lean cup,
beating the girl that i love,
stabbing out in cold blood,
touching kids, too young,
and yelling the n-word at
taco bell, bite your tongue.

suddenly, i’d have defense
even from the highest up,
because our president likes
his killers and rapists white,
gets to defend them and he
hooks them up nice, he’s so
fucking uptight, fine people
on both sides, ‘cause the guy
can’t condemn the alt-right.
stupid people get fame but
the smart ones stay low, i’ll
keep on doing as i’m doing,
i’ll stay forever underrated.
maybe i’m still overlooked,
but i’d rather it be that way,
not gonna clout-chase or go
ride a wave to get some fame.

10. tornado bird (🌪🐦)

lost within the
tornado of life
lies a small bird,
woodpecker, to
be precise now,
overwhelmed by
the wear and tear
and the rigors of
growing up, as he
one day has to go,
leave his nest and
make it on his own.

the woodpecker is
a tornado himself,
constantly banging
his own, poor head,
too much force but
he continues to do so,
too much going on
up there and the bird,
to the surprise of many,
is hurting himself bad.
he fears toxicity and
worries that his nest
wouldn’t even try to
welcome him back
after he leaves it.

it’s an anxious life
for the woodpecker,
always in search of
something better, but
he’s never satisfied,
regularly scared, he’s
an internal tornado,
always holding a piece
of his true self back
for fear of causing pain.
can he grow and learn
to be confident at all?
it’s hard to tell, but as
he gets swept up in life,
he’ll definitely try his best.

tornado bird.

9. a monster (🅰️👿)

inside my head,
there’s a monster.
it rummages and
it looks through me,
it takes my good and
happy thoughts, and
it throws them away.
it makes me angry,
it takes the positivity
and flushes it down,
doing all in its power
to push it all out.

and it tries to change me.

the happy-go lucky
little boy that i was
starts looking less
excited for his life.
he becomes cynical,
his friends notice it,
he’s slowly changing,
and even when he
says that he’s fine,
no one’s buying it.
there’s something
that’s different, too,
less of a glow in him,
less bounciness, less
hope and optimism,
he’s either eating it all
or he’s starving himself.

because he’s not fine.

pretty soon, the boy
becomes the monster,
their spirits merge and
he physically changes.
“what happened to you?”
they all ask him, but he
ignores their questions,
and the few chances he
takes to speak, he just
yells and curses them,
no one’s used to that.
his friendships turn to
a distant memory, and
aggression takes over.
he doesn’t want it, but
he doesn’t know how
he can change it. the
transformation’s done,
he’s turned himself into,

a monster.

8. ghost chill (👻❄️)

it’s been cold out
around these parts,
or so i’m led to think,
because everyone is
walking around with
sweat dripping down,
as the sweltering sun
beats on their faces.
clearly uncomfortable,
they go on their way,
to enjoy the summer
and play, and relax,
while i rest here with
my winter clothes on.

it must be that
a ghost is afoot.
it roams around,
ignoring me but
leaving a mark,
the silence hits
harder than the
spoken word can.
i want it to speak,
but the ghost just
goes on its way,
never to utter a
single syllable.

what did i do to
deserve this mess?
all i want is a friend,
but this silent spirit
haunts me evermore.
a torturous entity that
doesn’t want me but
roams close by and
refuses to go away.
but no one sees it,
because it’s only
in my own mind,
the ghost goes,
it has other friends
that it hits up on
the text every day,
but it would never
do that with me, so
why won’t it go away?

ghost chill.

7. trash joker (🚮🃏)

i’m a joker that
can’t even do
what i want to.
i can’t laugh and
crack jokes and
i can’t be that
happy jester i
always wanted to
turn myself into.
promised papa
i’d make them
all laugh and
put smiles on
all their faces,
but now i can’t
because they
don’t want me.

i’m just their
piece of trash,
throw me away
before giving a
fair look and a
chance to dance.
everybody just
leaves me dry
in the very end,
hangs me out
on the rack and
runs away, never
to see me again.
i wanna live life
and i want to love,
but everyone just
wants me to die.

guess this is
how it feels
to say you’re
a trash joker,
you can’t even
make people
laugh at you,
not even your
silliest actions
can make you
entertaining.
maybe this is
why i always
get taken out
of the deck
when people
play cards.

trash joker.

6. heartbreak on high (💔🔛⬆️)

seated on high but
my heart is on low,
ripping apart as i
watch you run off,
happy with someone
that’s better than me,
don’t feign sadness as
i wallow in self-pity.

even as i sit here as
the king on my throne,
it becomes empty when
i don’t have anyone to
share the space with.
harder to deal with now
when the person i want
to share it with has gone
and found someone better.
guess it goes to show how
a position of power can
still leave you longing.

it’s vacant around here,
within these four walls
there’s a void hard to fill.
have you ever felt alone
when everyone’s around?
empty when you’re gone,
but knowing you’re not
gonna make it back, it’s
a feeling hard to grasp.
i don’t have everything
that i could ever want,
because i don’t have you.

guess this is what it’s like
to have heartbreak on high,
feeling your best while also
feeling your worst, it sucks,
no one said that it would
be easy living on top, but
the pain continues to grow
when i’m the only one here.
i hope that one day, i find
someone to give love to,
make them a throne and
they’ll be my world, but
as the days go by, things
start to just look bleak,
the story of the king who
couldn’t even love himself.

heartbreak on high.

5. golden sunshine ride (🏅☀️🎢)

nervous shakes as we
enter the roller coaster,
i’m not one to ride these,
but let’s give this a try.
it’s a bright golden car,
vibrant as the sunlight,
we enter inside and i
take one deep breath.
the seatbelts go on and
the rails go down on us,
and just before we move,
i decide to close my eyes.

everything else is all
just a blur from here,
twists and turns at
the fastest of speeds,
everything’s turning
upside down on me,
i can’t get a handle
on what’s going on,
but i enjoy it while
it all rushes along.
and in this moment,
there’s so much joy.

no other worries for me,
the golden sunshine ride
carries me along and it
runs on pure adrenaline.
it pushes and moves in
ways that i can’t predict,
and it gives me a thrill,
if only for a few minutes.
but there’s one big thing
i learned from this ride:
the things that go up
all have to come down.

golden sunshine ride.

4. elated love (😄❤️)

you make me the
happiest one alive.
even the tiniest of
things that you do
make me feel good.
effortless charm and
abundance of love,
everything at once,
the most perfect
human being ever.

can’t believe that i’ve
been blessed with you,
it’s like they all tell me,
the bad days are good,
the good days are great,
and it’s all because you
came into my life and you
made me a better person.

you took me in with
all of my baggage,
accepted my flaws
and shaped me now,
i’m better than ever
all thanks to you, and
through thick and thin,
you’ve stuck with me.
i’m sure it’s not easy,
but you make the most,
you never complain and
you’re always right there.

forever thankful for you
and all that you do, keep
being who you are, and
keep spreading your love.
never knew that i’d find
the one person for me, but
now i don’t want to think
of myself with anyone else.
beautiful inside and out,
please never forget it,
i love you to the moon
forever and always.

elated love.

3. royalty (👑)

can’t take the throne
away from the king,
done worked my ass
off for a second on it,
but a mere 15 minutes
just wasn’t enough, so
i’m stretching this out
for as long as i can.
it’s all me in this world,
no one else did it better,
if you ever doubted me,
i’ll laugh in your face.

feel kinda bad for the
people that ditched me.
you were pretty great,
but hey, i’m just better.
i’m sorry you couldn’t
stick with me longer,
but treat me like shit,
here’s what you get:
i sit atop this throne,
proud of my work, and
i watch and laugh as
you try to kiss my feet.

entitled to kindness?
nah, go fuck yourself,
you won’t stop me or
the ones that i love.
i wanna see my people
rise to the occasion,
i wanna see them all
get the recognition.
i want them to go off,
do great things, but
you fucked me over,
so nothing for you.

i dare you to try
kicking the king,
my people and i
won’t let you in,
you had a chance
to be with us all,
but too bad you
blew it, get gone,
this is the kingdom,
we flourish and thrive
but not if you leech,
no snakes allowed.

royalty.

2. paradise dreams (🏖💭)

last night i dreamed
of a beautiful island.
the prettiest place
i’d ever traveled to.
the ocean was unlike
anything i’d ever seen,
the sun was blistering,
but there was just a
light and comfortable
breeze along the beach.
i laid in my folding chair
and soaked in the rays.

and you were there,
seated in your chair,
i didn’t expect it but
you held my hand.
giggling as i looked,
you moved in closer.
your arms around me
and mine around you,
for that one moment,
the world was still.

nothing else mattered,
it was just you and i,
in a way unrepeatable
in a real-life scenario,
we were here together,
nothing to separate or
ruin this moment now,
to cuddle with you on
this beautiful island,
there’s nothing better.

everything i want
right here and now,
it was peaceful and
it was magnificent,
even if it’s a dream,
it’s the best i’ve had.
there’s nothing that
could even top this.
if this is paradise,
don’t wake me up.

paradise dreams.

1. lucky star (🍀⭐️)

wake up every day
and i wonder just
how this happened.
how did i end up
in the place i’m at?
there’s joy and love
and people who care,
i’m living my life and
i’m healthy as well.

it’s not even like
my diet’s that good.

and there’s all these
little things that are
making me happy.
a simple walk outside
just feels so good, and
i feel so motivated, too.

it’s so weird because
i was just having a
panic attack yesterday.

but somehow, i rise,
and i keep on going,
and i find some way
to stay strong and
push on through.

why is that?

guess i’m just
the lucky star
that keeps on
shining bright,
even when i’m
forced not to.
some days don’t
go as well, but
there’s always
a good moment
at the very end.

lucky star.

light / dark (💡 / 🌑) preface

after over a month of hyping this up, teasing it, and being very vague about it, it’s finally here: my milestone 15th full-length album “light / dark (💡 / 🌑).” this one’s special because it’s so much different from my other albums: where most of my work is intensely personal, this album is more of a set of fictional poems loosely inspired by real events. not only that, but this album is divided into two parts: the “light end (💡🔚),” which is more positive, confident, and sure of itself, and the “dark end (💡🔚),” which is more sad, anxious, and lonely. this one’s really special, and i hope after all the cryptic teases, you guys enjoy it:

light end (💡🔚)

1. lucky star (🍀⭐️)

2. paradise dreams (🏖💭)

3. royalty (👑)

4. elated love (😄❤️)

5. golden sunshine ride (🏅☀️🎢)

dark end (💡🔚)

6. heartbreak on high (💔🔛⬆️)

7. trash joker (🚮🃏)

8. ghost chill (👻❄️)

9. a monster (🅰️👿)

10. tornado bird (🌪🐦)

celebrity

king of the world
like i’m leo in titanic,
taking some time out
from #15 for this one,
the legend of the fall,
am i abel or brad?
doesn’t matter, this
is when i come alive.
patiently waiting for
the new one to drop,
but i take my time and
i make sure it’s right,
and i know just how to
keep them waiting and
i give them my hundred
every single small time.

push out so much,
not even logic can
keep up with this,
like the boy drake said
i live in my workplace,
i mean no disrespect,
i can’t diss like eminem,
but the day that i go
put out a bad poem
is the day nicki admits
that travis got to #1 and
did it fair and square.

i’m not a rapper, no,
but i write in rhythm,
i bet i’d be in demand
for these new schoolers.
lil xan need a ghostwriter?
not like he can spit anyway,
“i’m rich! i’m rich!” but he
can’t handle hot cheetos.
my words hit harder than
the xans, pumps, and uzis,
so what i don’t get views?
i won’t clout-chase for that.

i learned it from maya,
thrive, don’t just survive,
and i learned it from poe,
will i ever fail? nevermore.
was told not to be God, so
i’ll keep paving my way,
it’ll be written like nas,
but it’ll come from me,
a poet never sleeps so
i’ll keep pushing through,
light and dark, both soon,
took a break but back to it.

gotta love it.

barbie dolls

all she wanted
was the look,
she wanted to
be the barbie,
45 and a 24,
she changed
to a sculpture,
tear the plastic
and what else?
would we ever
see behind the
cluttered walls?
find the real her
behind the dark?

you’re beautiful, but
not when you starve,
don’t hurt yourself,
you deserve better.
all the makeup and
little body changes,
a little snip snip here
and a “fix” right there,
but suddenly, you’re
no longer yourself,
you don’t need them,
that, i promise you.

inside and out,
you’re incredible,
i know that you’re
extremely brave,
and you don’t need
to change yourself
to prove that to me.
your soul is all that
matters in the end,
so keep doing you
and love yourself,
you don’t need the
barbie doll treatment
to win the world over.

you only have one self,
so love what you have,
don’t feel like you’re
worse off without the
supermodel figure.
just the way you are,
you’re doing just great,
and none of your scars
can take away from the
beauty that you possess.

kindness?

this is for anyone
that tried to doubt
the sweet boy and
thought he couldn’t
keep going forward,
banging out concepts
and creating projects
the world can enjoy,
and holding the crown
when the odds say no.

14 albums in and i’m
still pushing further,
new records and highs,
and still getting better.
funny how the people
who claim they’re all
better off without me
are the ones that just
keep coming back to me.
the people that hate me
can’t stay away from me,
you can’t ignore me, you
know that you adore me.

desperate to try and
follow me through it
but you can’t tell the
truth to me, can ya?
act like you’re mad,
pretend i’m at fault,
but you keep sliding
right on back to me.
well i don’t have time
for the silly-ass games,
sorry you can’t join the
poetry king’s success.

who says i have
to be nice back,
when you tried
fucking me over?
you had you turn,
but now that’s it.
to everyone else,
don’t give in to
the people that
try to screw you.

like the boy said
back in april, be
“nice for what”
to these haters.
don’t be afraid
to show it off,
if you got it, go
flaunt that shit,
you didn’t work
your ass off to
let it slip away.

10. (untitled #10)

so…
this is the last poem
on this new album.

i guess i should try
to end it off with
some big statement,
since the last poem
is supposed to really
hit super hard and all.

uhh...i’m pregnant!

no, that’s dumb.

hmm...eat your fruits and veggies!

hell, i don’t even do that.

i dunno, i guess, uhh...
i have a new album, and,
you’ve already heard of it,
i’ll try to have it out soon.
uhh, i love you and i hope
you are happy and loved,
thank you for reading this,
and uhh...the mitochondria
is the powerhouse of the cell.

yeah, i think that’s good.

best i can do,
i get anxious
about all this,
it can be scary
releasing a lot,
so i just hope
people like it
and keep on
reading it and
supporting me.

that would be nice.

9. (untitled #9)

it’s 3:30 am now.

sometimes i think
it’s funny how i get
sudden bursts of big
writing inspiration at
the craziest times.

like, 5:30 in the morning,
just laying in bed, i’ll just
sit up and be like “oh wait!”
and just write out like a
long-ass poem and post it.

i always see posts
on socials where
people say how they
get inspired to work
at bad times and i’m
just like “yeah, feel that,”
since i’m always writing
at 3, 4, 5 in the morning.

guess it’s good then
that it’s monday and
i don’t have school.
get to sleep in now,
that’ll be fun for me.

oh wait,
that might make
people jealous.

gotta run.

8. (untitled #8)

i hope that i
never end up
like kanye.

he’s scary.

like, i get that
his music is cool,
but can he, like,
get attention with
the music and not
his wild-ass tweets?
like, if he just zipped it
and stopped trying to
say stupid things just
to get our attention,
it’d be easier to just
listen to his music.

like, jeez,
the shit people
do for clout, man.

no publicity is
bad for them.

it’s a mess.

7. (untitled #7)

so like,
why do people
get scared to
talk about sex
when i’m around?
like, people say
i’m super innocent,
but like, do you
really think that i,
a 20-year old man,
have never had any
sexual thoughts in
my entire existence?

come on, guys,
i’m not a baby,
have some faith.

hell,
on the flip side,
i’ve heard a lot
of tmi sex tales
in my life, too.

i have a brother...

and, friends that are
more sexually active...

so yeah...
i dunno why
you’d be afraid
to talk to me
about that stuff,
but sex is cool...

from what i can infer.

6. (untitled #6)

it was raining
the last time i
walked outside.

i kinda like walking
when it’s raining.

i dunno, i guess
it just feels dramatic
or something like that.

like when you’re
walking and you’re
listening to music
and a sad song
comes on while
it’s raining out.

just kinda cool sometimes.

5. (untitled #5)

i post a lot of things
on my social medias.

and like,
i get worried
that it’s annoying,
because no one
really tells me that,
but that doesn’t mean
they aren’t thinking it.

and my thing is,
i only post a lot
because i don’t
do much, so like,
i get bored easily.

i’d probably
post less if i
got out more.

but hey,
i’m a nerdy kid
that does almost
nothing but write.
good luck getting
me out of the house.

4. (untitled #4)

but,
i like life.

it’s like,
it can be scary
and so stressful,
but it’s still cool,
because you learn
from that stress,
and you have
a lot of chances
to grow from it
and be better,
so that’s neat.

and like,
there’s so much
you can do in life.
a lot of places to go
and people to meet,
so, i think, life can be
really tough for many,
but there’s a lot to like
and a lot of good things
about life in general, and
i think it’s worth trying to
find those good things.

yeah, i like that.

3. (untitled #3)

you know what’s funny?

i’ve dealt with
a lot of anxiety
this past month
or however long,
you guys know it,
but like, you’d think
school would be why.

but no.

because, like,
school’s been pretty
good for me and, like,
my classes are going
super-duper well now,
so that’s like the least
of my worries and stuff.

wait,
go knock on wood.

okay, cool.

anyway...
wait...
when people say
“knock on wood,”
how many times
are you supposed
to knock on it?
is there like a
“bad juju” if you
knock only once,
or if you knock
like fifty times?

idk man, life’s crazy.

2. (untitled #2)

you know,
a lot of times,
it’s taxing writing
so much poetry.
because it’s hard
to be, like, writing
one album and then
another concept just
pops right up on you,
and you want to write
both at once, but you
already teased the one,
so people expect that first.

like,
i still have to finish
“light / dark (💡 / 🌑),”
but...i dunno, there’s
so much more i wanna
write while making that.

like when i juggled
“one year” and “ill”
at the same time?
i was stressed then,
i just wanted to put
them both out at once.

huhhhhhh,
poetry is stressful.

1. (untitled #1)

you know,
i’ve honestly never
really been super
good with love at all.

like,
i get really attached,
and that’s why i don’t
crush all that much,
because i crush hard
in those few times i do.

like last year,
i really liked this girl.
i crushed on her for like
10 months or something,
but, there was someone
better than me for her.

and now it’s like,
there’s another girl
that i like now, and,
it’s like i don’t even
have a chance but,
you know, your heart
tells you not to say no,
even if your brain says
that it won’t happen.

but like...
ehh, i don’t really
wanna write anymore.

(untitled) preface

my 14th full-length album, and first after a roughly month-break from full projects, is simply called “(untitled),” in-joke behind that being that, a lot of the times, since i tend to write the poems and not give them titles until after they are written, i tend to just write (untitled) at the top of my notes, so i’m playing off that. this album is somewhat shorter, more “stream-of-consciousness,” and a bit more light-hearted than most of my previous works, but i had a lot of fun writing it and it’s really special. i hope you guys love reading it as much as i loved making it.

1. (untitled #1)

2. (untitled #2)

3. (untitled #3)

4. (untitled #4)

5. (untitled #5)

6. (untitled #6)

7. (untitled #7)

8. (untitled #8)

9. (untitled #9)

10. (untitled #10)

our world today

this one, i just…
i have shit to say…
no more silence…

okay, let’s go.

tough to stay quiet
when our biased
and non-compliant
guy in office acts
pompous and lawless,
backs a candidate that’s
been accused of rape,
but to trump, it’s okay,
because brett’s just great!
he doesn’t get the hate, to him
there’s no debate, it’s making
us irate, how he humiliates, baits.

but shit,
he’ll blow a gasket
if colin kapernick
knelt for the anthem,
get mad at him, but
he won’t take action on
the shit that’s happenin’,
cause a distraction to
protect his faction, but,
surely the dissatisfaction
won’t be such a good reaction.

but damn,
let’s just defend
a man, who can’t
keep it in his pants,
watch him dance over
his sexual advances.
this guy got involved
in gang rape? what
more do i need to say?
are you kidding me?
seriously? but you’ll
sit and play defender
to an offender if it
fits in your agenda,
fucking horrendous,
get these fuckers
out of office, all
their intolerance,
just so they could
have an audience,
this shit’s preposterous.

when will we hear
out the abused?
quit the shouts
of “fake news,”
there’s really
no excuse, for
the ones who
cause a ruse.
stand up and
hear the ones
speaking out on
asshole scums,
and think about
if those were
your daughters
and your sons.

killer

there’s a killer
out on the loose,
making the rounds
from house to house,
but still getting away
in the broad daylight,
killer of the mind, and
killer of the soul, out
taking the creativity,
right in front of us,
but we can’t find a
way to stop them.

went over today to
my friend’s house,
and there he was,
forlorn and dull,
his body laid still,
no blood to be seen,
but the damage had
already been dealt.
no longer was he the
bright, happy guy,
painting life in his way.
instead, here he’ll lay,
never to be the same.

rain poured down
as i left the house,
“who would be next?”
i started to ponder.
am i at risk here, too?
will i end up falling and
never getting back up?
this neighborhood has
become far too dreary,
dangerous and scary,
i have to get out now.
i can’t lose what i’ve
worked hard to build.
run as fast as i can,
and never look back.

no, wait,
i can’t do that.

i have to help out,
track down the killer,
save the street from
their dastardly acts.

but, i can’t,
i’m not strong enough.

or am i?

freestyle

crashing as i type
on this keyboard
because my brain’s
in free-fall as i try
to keep going but
i can’t begin to even
rhyme like i want to,
tried to switch it up
and change the flow
but i’m so broken and
my brain can’t make
the good shit happen.

guess it doesn’t matter
what the fuck i’m on
or how i’m feeling now
because the world won’t
fucking care until i die.
let me grab you a box
of kleenex so you can
properly enjoy these
words you didn’t care
to read when i was here.
“he really wasn’t okay,
he seemed so cool! damn!”


let’s not forget about
the execs that’ll be
blinded by the dollar,
bombard my computer
looking for the shit that
i never put out so they
could make the money
i’m not making off of
the words that i write.
i write these to convey
the shit i go through,
but the guy in the suit
takes the soul right out.

gotta wonder how we’re
living when we can say
the best advice to give
to an artist trying to
put their work out
is to go off and die.
“congrats on giving it
your heart and soul,
we just hope that you
get to see it blow up
when you’re six feet
below the ground.”

start to wonder the
point of all this when
it feels more like i’m
talking to a wall than
a group of people that
want me to succeed.
“never give up” starts
to feel like a ruse when
it feels like the promo
gets more hype than
the poems i put out.
funny how that works.

six stanzas in, i’m
ahead of myself,
hard to slow down
when my brain is
going haywire now.
feeling like i wanna
leave this planet and
pull some hermit shit,
but the new joint has
to drop at some point.
probably self-destruct
trying to make it happen
and half the people i know
won’t give a shit about it.

but fuck it, let’s go.

10. anger

yeah, i embraced the anger,
you wanted different? well,
let’s chill with the sad shit,
let’s flip the bird at everyone
that does us wrong in life.
gets bottled up for too long,
sometimes you just gotta
unleash the inner beast and
get it all off of your chest.

gotta release it sometime,
it’s only gonna hurt bad,
just like you did when
you made me this way,
time to be unapologetic
and embrace the anger,
for once in my life, it’s
time to say how i feel
and not question if i
have to say sorry for it.

like drizzy said,
this new me is
still the real me,
it’s just time to
be a harder me.
time to say just
what i think and
stop having to
feel like i should
apologize for it.
don’t like what i
have to say, well
fall back instead,
i don’t need you
bringing me down
or silencing me.

this is who i am:
i’m anxious, i’m crazy,
i’m messy, i’m bad,
i’m annoying, i’m clingy,
i’m happy, i’m sad,
i’m shitty, i’m great,
i’m dirty, i’m clean,
a mess of emotions,
everything in between,
and if you don’t like me
then get the fuck out,
don’t need all the hatred,
puts me in a drought,
i love who i am, flaws
and all, yeah i’m glad,
and if you do not, well
that’s just too bad.

your loss, anyway, i’m the shit.

9. don't push a writer

don’t push a writer,
we’ll charge right back,
we’re not afraid to put
your shit on blast.
you break our hearts,
you get us angry, and
you piss us off, then
we throw you right
under the bus for
the world to see.

we make you characters,
we put you in our world,
poetry would be tmz if
we writers were bigger.
we may not punch or
get in physical fights,
but we make it hard
for you to fight the words.
to all the deadbeats,
the users, the cheaters,
the abusers, the assholes,
the manipulators, the bullies,
the people that just wanna
put us through bullshit,
we’re not afraid to put you
on blast for the world.

whoever said that
words don’t hurt
should shove a
stick and a stone
up their asshole.
words hit hard,
and we know how
to smack them
in your faces.
we know beef,
and don’t even
hit me with that
shitty 3oh!3 lyric
about vegetarians.
we’ll make enemies,
embrace the anger,
and make you wish
you never hurt us.

don’t push a writer.

8. ghost show

i’m a one-man show
in the poetry game,
write and publish it
all by myself and i
don’t need any help
making my words hit.
this is the matt a show,
come along for the ride,
it’s just me myself and i
when i write these down.

i dig the collabs,
i’m honored you
wanna put in work,
but this ain’t the place
to divide up the pie.
and i’m not with the
ghostwriting bullshit,
who told you you can
write my lines for me?
i got love for the poets
talking how they feel,
but how you doing that
if you don’t write shit?

and i’m not here
trying to diss, no,
who can i diss for this?
but here’s a lesson
to follow if you want
to get into this thing:
don’t call yourself
some kinda poet if
you got some ghost
doing the damn work
while you sit and watch.

write from the soul,
write from your mind,
don’t take some shit
from that other guy.
he didn’t pour it out
and work his ass off
for you to just take
and fuck with it all.
let nobody take away
the power of my words,
let no phantom arrive to
write them down for me,
i’ll just stay me and keep
putting on a show, while
you puppet around and
cut up with the ghosts.

this is me.

7. humble

let’s talk for a minute
about this stuff here,
my success and words
and all that i do with it,
let’s talk about how i
react to the poems,
you know i come alive
when i’m writing it out,
and i’m not even scared
to pipe my own poetry up.

“he’s so sweet,”
“he’s so humble”
fuck that shit, man,
i’m so selfish with it,
poetry king right here,
can’t take my crown.
who’s dropping as much
good poetry as me, huh?
can’t name them because
they don’t exist, that right?

and you know no one’s
gonna pipe it up for me,
naturally i gotta love it,
a lot goes into the words
that i write out for these,
and even if none of you
want to read what i say,
i’m still gonna push it,
better learn to love it.
i’d rather peak in college
with my amazing poems
than peak in high school
with shitty ass diss tracks.

yeah, i want the love,
you see what i do,
160+ in over a year,
can you do it, too?
and what the fuck
is burnout, huh?
cut that shit off.
i’m not with it,
i’m not leaving,
i’m not stopping,
i’m not quitting,
shit’s not ending,
it’s better now than
it’s ever been before.
better get used to me,
i’m sticking around,
not a damn person’s
gonna take my crown.

6. dirt

hold up a second,
all this is so angry,
and even if it’s not
meant to diss any
person in particular,
someone will take it
just as it is, so what
do i do if they want
to try and fight back?
what if they want to
talk shit about me?

well, i’d like to see them try.

know that you’re
never gonna find
no dirt on me, i’m
always the first to
right my wrongs,
try to diss me, get
egg on your face,
who’d you say can’t
fight that all back?
chances are you try
and find shit on me,
i’ve already owned it
and handled it, yep.
you wanna dig up?
don’t even bother,
i’ll spin it right back.

already said it, i’m gonna
put my mistakes on display,
i’d rather learn and flourish,
man up from my shit and
be a better me tomorrow.
so good luck finding dirt
that you can spit at me,
can’t go find something
that just doesn’t exist.

and i’ll send a warning,
this isn’t just about me,
you fuck with my friends,
i won’t hold back, either.
b learned it best when
i wrote two of these,
i don’t let anyone slide,
no matter who they are.

you made her upset, and
they said you were toxic,
don’t fuck with a heart
and don’t be a prick.
i’m done sitting quiet
and watching friends
get hurt by you bitches,
don’t let me hear that
you fucked them over.
i may seem nice and
i don’t look like i can
throw many punches,
but you fuck with me
when you fuck with them.

so just don’t.

5. thirty

hmm…
maybe for this one…
i’ll bring some rhythm…
go back to the old style…
if it rhymes, it rhymes,
if not, just stay in time…

let’s try it.

old enough to be
my brother but
you’re crushing,
what the fuck?
you’re thirty,
that’s so dirty,
thirsty for me,
starstruck?
what the hell
you think i am,
some goddamn
teddy graham?
“he’s so cute,
bet i can scoot
myself right
in his dms!”

fuck you think,
i’m gullible?
adorable but
i’m not dumb,
lovable but
push me and i
get angry, don’t
be a crumb.
yeah, your boy
has flow, i know,
i saved it for the
perfect time.
creepy guys who
try to slide get
pushed away,
get out of line.

yeah, you’re nice,
you rolled the dice
but i just gotta
keep it real.
young blood like me
think it’s creepy
that you’re out here
with the feels.
find someone
your age, please
step away, and
i will let it slide.
just know i know
who to phone, so
for your sake,
you’d better hide.

yeah, i like that…
i had to say it…
shit’s real and
it’s crazy, dude…
grown people like
crushing on me…
it’s just so weird…
like get that shit
out of my face…
act your age,
not mine, you know…

let me get off this one.

4. thirsty

oh man…
ohhhh man…
yeah, let’s talk about…
priorities for a second…
some people have ‘em
all mixed up, you know…

okay.

so where were you when
the last album dropped?
nowhere to be seen, huh?
where were you at when
i reviewed “sweetener?”
couldn’t care less, huh?
you guys make it out
when i celebrated my
tenth poetry album
just two months ago?

no, you didn’t.

so where were you?

what’s this i see from you?
that’s your 13th like on my
17th selfie in 45 days, but
you won’t support the boy
when he puts out his art?
i get that i’m pretty, and
i’m glad that you think that,
but where’s the support for
a kid doing his writing?
you leave it at the door when
you went thirsting over the
last few selfies i posted?

not tryna sound ungrateful,
i’m glad you like my looks,
but i’m not your sex toy.
i’m not here to give you
some shit to jack off to
when you can’t sleep,
and you got yourself
some 4 am sex thoughts.
how about you guys try
thirsting for my albums
the same way you stay
thirsting for my selfies
and the shirtless pics?

yeah, show me that, okay?