i'm shit

tired of pretending that
i’m happy with the way
life is going, tell you the
only thing i’m king of is
telling the world i’m fine
when i’m really not, but
look at all the faces who
couldn’t give a shit if i’m
good or bad, and i think
they’ll only care when i’m
dead, i’ll get the success
i’ve been shooting for as
soon as i hit the floor, six
feet under the ground and
now the poems will blow up,
roses while i’m here? nope,
i don’t deserve any of them.

all i ever do is scream
about my sadness to
some people who just
don’t want to listen, i’m
sorry i’m a bother, wish
i wasn’t so annoying and
codependent, i’m just too
desperate to find approval
because i don’t like myself
enough to do it, not a good
influence, and as much as i
try to make others happy, i’ll
never be enough for them all.

the digital age creates
our expectations, i see
what everyone’s doing
and i wanna be them,
they’re so happy, life’s
treating them well, but
here i am falling in the
same hole as before, a
lonely, sad, unfortunate
soul that’s not worth the
same as the others, so i
guess this is the way i’m
coming of age, the guy in
the background that won’t
be special or remembered
and will be better off when
he leaves everyone alone,
stops pretending he’s not
disappointing to the ones
he holds in a high regard,
just shut up, matt, no one
wants to listen to you talk.

i’m shit.

i'm fine

so many times, i’ve
tried to hide behind
a smile and tell them
“i’m fine,” wanted to
tell myself it’s great,
especially when she
had left, i wanted to
feel like i was strong,
good without her but
i never meant it, had
to conceal my fear if
i ever saw her around.

they always say that
you have to be strong,
brave and unafraid but
i’ve never felt that way,
maybe that’s why i’ve
pushed so many away,
because i wasn’t strong
enough to be with them
and all i’d ever do is fall.
too sensitive to handle it,
i overthink everything and
i blow it every single time.

guess this is the life.
just sit back and try
to tell them all that
i feel alright, even if
the pain is killing me
inside, because it’s
been decided that
my only way to find
success is if i hide
the hurting and just
pretend that it’ll all
turn out perfectly.

so yeah, i’m fine.

disappear

used to have days
where i wanted to
disappear, run from
everyone and leave
my life behind, see
if anyone would be
sad if i walked out.
even thought that
the only way for my
work to hit would be
to drop dead, and i
thankfully got over
that, but it sucks to
see that others can’t.

some are quiet, and
never telling anyone
about the pain, they
hide it behind a smile,
and it’s a shame that
the happiest ones are
hurting so bad on the
inside, takes so much
to fight through it but
no one went to check,
were they doing okay?
couldn’t see but it was
certainly there, now the
light is permanently out.

some people scream
but no one hears them.
the words echo far but
there’s no answer, and
so they suffer despite
all the signs that get
ignored, the world will
chew up and spit out
without a worry about
if you’re feeling fine or
if the pain makes you
want to take your life.

shame that the earth
won’t care unless you
take it down to that line.
“rewarded in the afterlife”
only means that you can’t
have your flowers while you
are still here to smell them.
all we want is to be happy
and to feel like we matter,
and we can’t have it until
we’re six feet in the dirt?

fuck that shit.

are you here for me?

it’s quiet up here.
what should be a
peaceful time only
makes my anxiety
rise because i’m
stuck on only you.
i see you walk by
and i ask myself
why i even bother
when i know that
you wouldn’t care
if i dropped dead.

so many people that
i could fall with, but
you’re the only one
that my mind circles
back to, and even as
i try to push it away,
the feeling remains
the same, even as
i tell myself about
how little you care
for anything and
everything i do.

i’m wasting my time
because i know that
so many other, better
people deserve you,
but i’m stuck and just
can’t get myself out of
the rut i’ve kept falling
in the last few months.
hate myself more and
more every time i face
the fact that i blew my
chance to be with you.

i just wish you could
be here for me, when
the going gets tough.
i wish i was someone
more important, and
i wish i mattered more
for you in the long run.
but i don’t, and so i’m
always gonna die a bit
inside knowing that i’ll
never be enough, the
good times are gone.

but i’m here for you.

are you here for me?

i'm paranoid!

lately, people ask
how i’m doing, and
i don’t know how to
answer them, i don’t
feel specifically good
or bad, i just feel alive.
i often hesitate to say
how i feel, because i
don’t really feel much,
it’s got me a bit scared,
i think that i’m changing
and not in a great way.

am i becoming
so cynical that
now i just feel
nothing at all?
neither elated
nor deflated, i
just push on in
hope that i can
have a day that
might stick out
a little bit more
than the others?

she told me that
she didn’t want
to change me,
but i think it’s
too late for it.
decent’s just
the best that
i can feel for
a single day,
and i have to
live with that,
nothing more.

i’m paranoid! yay!