the night is young

young love is funny,
it moves as slow or
as fast as you want,
sometimes it’s weird
and a bit unexpected
but for just a moment,
the world around you
comes to a full halt.
you savor every small
second of it, in hope
that it will never end.

chilling turns to cuddling,
cuddling turns to kissing,
and then, out of nowhere,
your body up against mine.
it’s more than i imagined
but i love it all the same,
and as you bite your lip,
i pull you in closer and i
never wanna let you go.
when all the music fades
and the room falls silent,
all that really matters is
that you’re here with me,
as we lay together and
share in the beauty of it.

the night is young,
time’s on our hands,
let’s keep this going
as long as we can.
while the world tries
to figure itself out,
and anger tries to
place a firm grasp,
let’s forget all that
and just be together.
you here with me,
nothing else better,
your lips kissing mine,
your body against me,
just you and i together,
that’s all i really need.

faith

you always hear
so many people
question their own
faith in Him and
their faith in religion.
i question my faith
on the daily but i
now start to question
His faith in me, too.

i want to believe that
He is here for me and
He watches over me and
He makes everything okay,
but i can’t help but wonder
where He was at when the
going got tough and i just
couldn’t handle it anymore.
the anxiety, the insomnia,
the times of plain shitty luck,
where in the world did He go?

why does it feel like
He’s only there when
it benefits Him most?
He’s there if it means
a facebook post or
a tweet praising Him,
but when i’m at my
lowest possible point,
He doesn’t stop by.
some might say He’s
teaching a lesson, but
what are these lessons?
insomnia can’t be cured?
you’re stuck with your shit
until the day that you die?
people aren’t worth helping
unless they brag about you
on their social media pages?

i pray every night that
He hears my words and
sends blessings to me,
as i send thanks to Him,
but it becomes harder
when it feels like i’m
talking to a brick wall.
i want to be happy and
i want to put faith in Him,
but i have to wonder if He
will put His faith back in me.
i want to believe in Him, and
i want to think this is His plan,
but is His plan to help me grow
or to torment my “best years?”

alive

wow…
what a time to
be alive, right?
a lot changes in
a little bit, it’s…
just craziness…

let’s talk about it.

the new year awaits us,
so much to go and do,
kinda wonder how it’ll
change me this time.
if you told me last year
i’d have my heart broken
twice over, i’d laugh at you.
if you told me i’d write over
a hundred poems in a year,
i’d think you were crazy. hell,
if you said writing would be
the new career i would pursue,
i’d be shocked to say the least.

life moves so crazily sometimes,
you change up, others mix up,
you win some, you lose some,
people you thought would be
there with you forever are just
a distant memory now, but then
the people you didn’t expect are
the ones that care the most for ya.
and even when you look back at
the worst of those times, you can
appreciate the way you grew, and
just love yourself even more now.

it’s hard to think back on the
difficult, anxious moments,
the memories of pain, anger,
frustration and grief are there,
but you grow from them and
become stronger and happier,
more confident in yourself and
more ready to handle adversity.
last year had some difficulties,
the heartbreak, the stress, and
the anxious, overthinking mess,
but through it all, i made it alive,
and i’m proud to push on 20 now.

let’s see what this year provides.
let’s see the changes it brings
to myself and my friends, be them
positive or negative, let’s make
the best of even the worst moments.
i hope to make this a productive year,
and i hope my friends stick with me
no matter what i’m going through.
growing up can be scary, and it feels
like time is moving so quickly, but
let’s love it while we’re here, and
treat even the worst days as a gift.

alright, i like that…
some might think it’s
preachy or something…
but we need some more
good vibes in this world…
too much hate going off,
gotta…try to love a bit…
new school year ringing in,
wanna make it awesome…
and i don’t wanna lose
any friends through it,
hope you guys stick around…


yeah, that’s good.

this is me

3:30 in the morning,

man, just...say it.

speak your mind...

got something to say,

just go say it, you know?

yeah.

i know it’s been a bit

since we last spoke,

shit had me down then,

yeah, you know the drill,

i know who i am, yeah,

i know what i do, too,

get hurt too easy and

trap myself in my feels,

anxiety gets me easily,

i’m sure you can tell,

might be bipolar, i know,

i wrote a whole album

based all around that.

sensitive boy, i’m always

sad about this and that,

scared to grow up and

scared to lose everything.

i fall too hard, and i get

far too attached and

i set myself up for these

bouts of fear and anxiety.

yeah, your boy is flawed,

and he makes it all known.

but there’s more than that.

the same boy that sits and

overthinks everything just

cares so hard for his friends.

i love a lot, even in those

times that you hurt me,

because i don’t want to

live life without you, and

yeah, i get sensitive, but

it’s just who i am now,

and no, i don’t love how

sad i can get, but i’ll

own my flaws and keep

loving myself, because

i know who i am, and

i know that i’m great,

looks, kindness, talent,

yeah, i’ve got it all. and

i know that i’ll hurt again,

and i’ll be sensitive, too,

but at the end of the day,

i’ve got so much to live for.

i’m gonna keep pushing and

keep loving myself, and the

people around me because

no one knows where we’ll

all be tomorrow. that’s why

i’ll live for today, and enjoy

the life i’ve been given, and

remind those around me just

how much they mean to me.

this is me, it’s who i am, and

flaws and all, i’m still worth it.

yeah, king’s back, baby…

you know i gotta feel myself

when i’m writing these poems…

shoutout to my friends always

there for me, you know who you are…

shoutout to the people i’ve crushed on,

i’m glad we’re still friends today, too…

no need for drama these days, you know…

and shoutout to myself, too, you know…

gotta love yourself, gotta pipe yourself…

king of the poetry game right here,

you guys know how it is, gotta love it…

i’m off this.

10. no cry for help

i know what you think.
that last one bared
all of my fears, and
held nothing back.
subtlety, not there,
bonked on the head,
“i’m not okay, and
here’s why that is.”
and you might be
a little bit scared,
but please don’t be.

this is no cry for help,
i’m not planning on
leaving you all.
there’s so much more
that life can offer me.
these are my flaws,
out in full display,
that i need to work on.

i blame no one else,
it’s all on me now.
i created this mess,
i made it happen.
will it be an easy fix?
nope, probably not.
anxiety doesn’t leave,
it stays forever, but
the best thing to do
is try to manage it,
and not let it destroy
what i’ve worked
so hard to create.

i’ll try my best.

9. i'm not okay

no, i’m not okay.

everything just
hits me at once.
my anxiety’s at
an all-time high,
i might even be
bipolar, too.
i can’t last in
a relationship
because i’m just
a wimp that
overthinks and
isn’t worth falling
in love with,
i’m not making
social progress
because i’m stuck
inside my house,
rarely to leave,
hardly seeing
my friends and
talking to them.
i don’t have a job,
i still can’t drive,
all i do is play
video games and
write my feelings
instead of telling
them straight up,
bottle up my fears
instead of trying
to talk them out,
and spending all
my time in my
mom’s basement,
doing nothing
of meaning at all.

so no, i’m not okay.

8. don't cry for me

i don’t need no
pity or tears for
the shit that i do.
none of it’s caused
by you, it’s all me.
i’m no one worth
crying over now,
you’ll just waste
time if you do.

all my mistakes,
all of my fears,
plastered in bold
for the world to see.
i’m not worth the
sad faces and the
crying and all that,
because none of you
did anything to me.

i did this all to me.
i turned myself into
the person that i
didn’t want to be.
the person that will
question themselves,
hurt too easily, and
get down over nothing.
i make myself a mess
every day of my life,
a glass case of emotions
just waiting to drop.

don’t cry for me.

7. sorry i'm not

sorry i’m not
the person i
say that i am,
the one that
loves themselves
unconditionally
and has all
the confidence
in the world.

sorry i’m not
so easy to love,
so able to just
reciprocate and
fall right back
without a fear
of losing you,
or not giving you
all that i can.

sorry i’m not
the one mama
wants me to be,
the independent
trust-worthy guy
that doesn’t start
overthinking and
worrying about
every little thing
that comes up.

sorry i’m not
able to act
without worry,
go with my gut,
try something new,
change myself
for the better,
and stop being
so stubborn
about everything
you throw at me.

sorry i’m not
good enough.

6. just don't

well, hi there,
it’s nice to meet you.
were you thinking
about falling in love
with me, right now?

just don’t.

were you thinking
that i would be
the one to make
your life instantly
better, forever?

i can’t.

were you thinking
i could do it all,
and give you
the love that
you deserve,
because you’re
so amazing?

nope. can’t do that.

and did you think
i’d be worthy of
being with you,
forever and ever
till death do us part?

i’m not.

just don’t.

5. longing

i’m longing for you,
but you’re all gone.
my heart breaks as i
pray for your embrace,
want to go back to
what we were before.
so much that i wish
i could’ve told you,
but i was too scared,
didn’t want us to be
what we are now.

i came around too late
and now you’re happier
without me around,
got you somebody that’s
far better than me,
someone that’s more
sure of themselves and
more ready for you.
i wish i felt that when
we kissed that one night,
i wish i had been ready
and more certain then,
but i let a good one go,
and you’re not coming back.

i fucked up real bad,
and i’m paying for it,
this isn’t the first time
i lost someone great.
i should’ve known better,
but i guess i don’t learn.
i hope they treat you
the way i should’ve,
give you love and care,
tell you how lucky
they are to have you,
and treat you like
royalty on the throne.

i’m sorry i wasted your time.

4. shut down

i just want to
shut down.
turn myself off
just for a day,
and i want to
feel nothing,
just see what
would happen.

spend a day
away from it all,
away from all
the anxiety and
the scary thoughts,
get rid of the
dark hours and
just curl up in bed.

i wanna remember
what it feels like to
not care about life,
be numb to all of
the sad events and
lay down in peace,
just for one day.
spend a whole day
in shutdown mode,
away from the world,
away from the madness,
and away from my thoughts.

i just want to rest.

3. through the pain

“smile through the pain.”
you know how hard it is
to smile through the pain?
acting like everything
is going okay, but
you just don’t want
to cause a commotion?
hanging with your friends,
having a good ol’ time,
but your heart’s just
jumping out of your throat,
because you feel like shit?

it looks so easy, but
it takes a lot out of you.
you want to be happy,
you want to laugh, and
you want to have fun,
but you’re dying inside
and you just want to
go back to your room,
crawl into bed, and
forget everything.

but you don’t want
to show your pain,
you’ve gotta stay
strong and brave,
push through it
and enjoy life.
“you’re a man,
and men don’t
show sadness,
they fight on,
and keep going.”

but it hurts.

2. shitty day

july 29th, 2018,
woke up today to
horrific news, and
it shook me hard,
made me want to
stay in bed and
not do a thing.
“but wait, matt,
homework, yes?
that summer work
you have to finish?”

can’t even focus on it,
how can i try to write
a whole entire story
when my brain can’t
focus on it today?
and to top it all off,
i just got shook again,
right after my shower.
i realized i fucked up,
and wanted to pass out.

i felt like throwing up,
sorry to be gross,
but that lightheaded
feeling arose quick,
all that positivity
i built as of late?
gone. right away.
out the window.
stuck up the finger
on its way out, too.
what did i do for
shit to hit the fan
all at once today?
why did all of
my good energy
just take off?

this is a shitty day.

1. fuck it up

got a good feeling
inside of me now,
everything’s just all
well and good here,
nothing but happiness
and positivity for me.
living my best life,
feeling real good,
not letting anything
go awry now.

ayy, fuck it up, fuck it up.

we have something
really good going.
just you and i here,
enjoying ourselves.
i think that we click,
it’s all so natural,
and i like being
here with you.

ayy, fuck it up, fuck it up.

for once now, i just
don’t fear anything,
all of that anxiety
not hurting me here,
enjoying the peace
and feeling the love,
not letting negativity
break me down now.

ayy, fuck it up, fuck it up.

here it comes again,
and i was on a roll,
it’s just breaking me
and making me scared,
my anxiety rolled back
in full force as well,
because i always ruin
the good things i have.

ayy, fuck it up, fuck it up.

i'm not okay preface

surprise. my 11th poetry album is "i'm not okay." i went with a surprise release and tried something new in regards to posting the albums because this one came to me out of nowhere. i wrote this album in one night during a point when i was dealing with heartbreak, a lack of self-confidence, and self-loathing. it's a particularly difficult album for me, because it basically sees me at the lowest of the low, and even though my last few albums saw me go down, this one sees me go about my business without much optimism whatsoever. i wrote this while i was in a lot of emotional pain, and i'm sure just looking at the titles will show that. poem #5, "longing," is also a particularly hard one for me, but i'll let you guys figure out why.

1. fuck it up

2. shitty day

3. through the pain

4. shut down

5. longing

6. just don't

7. sorry i'm not

8. don't cry for me

9. i'm not okay

10. no cry for help