faith

you always hear
so many people
question their own
faith in Him and
their faith in religion.
i question my faith
on the daily but i
now start to question
His faith in me, too.

i want to believe that
He is here for me and
He watches over me and
He makes everything okay,
but i can’t help but wonder
where He was at when the
going got tough and i just
couldn’t handle it anymore.
the anxiety, the insomnia,
the times of plain shitty luck,
where in the world did He go?

why does it feel like
He’s only there when
it benefits Him most?
He’s there if it means
a facebook post or
a tweet praising Him,
but when i’m at my
lowest possible point,
He doesn’t stop by.
some might say He’s
teaching a lesson, but
what are these lessons?
insomnia can’t be cured?
you’re stuck with your shit
until the day that you die?
people aren’t worth helping
unless they brag about you
on their social media pages?

i pray every night that
He hears my words and
sends blessings to me,
as i send thanks to Him,
but it becomes harder
when it feels like i’m
talking to a brick wall.
i want to be happy and
i want to put faith in Him,
but i have to wonder if He
will put His faith back in me.
i want to believe in Him, and
i want to think this is His plan,
but is His plan to help me grow
or to torment my “best years?”