5. if you're reading this, i love you

i love you.
yeah, you,
the one with the
pretty eyes.
oh wait,
there’s so many
with the pretty eyes!

what about the one
with the beautiful hair?
oh, there’s a lot of them!
all of your hairstyles,
so different,
yet so perfect!

okay, this’ll narrow it down:
the biggest sweetheart:
the one with
the heart of gold.
they say that
only the most special people
have the golden hearts.

wait what?
all of them are gold!
every single one
has that gold heart
they all talked about!

they must all be amazing.
how can i tell
all of these people
that i love them?

or do they figure that out
on their own?
maybe, they don’t need me
to tell them
how amazing they are,
because they have the gold hearts.

you only get the gold heart
when you do good things.
they must’ve done the good things
and they probably know
that they’re loved…

but i’ll say it anyway:

i love you, gold-hearted ones.

4. you

you’ll probably never see this
and i might be wasting my time,
but i write to express
the thoughts in my head.

my love for you
can’t even stop growing.
every time we lock eyes,
i can’t help but notice
your pure perfection,
your beauty
that just seems to
grow each and every day.

and it’s probably not healthy
to be this in love,
but i’m head-over-heels
and i’m not ashamed.

the littlest things remind me
of the times we’ve spent together:
a simple love song,
a picture on my phone,
such tiny things
warp me right back
to those special moments.

and i’m hopeless,
stuck in a state
of endless devotion,
and i feel like
i’ll never be with you,
but i don’t love easily,
and i’ll probably never find someone
as special to me
as you.

we don’t talk much now,
i don’t want to be in the way,
you have things to do,
as do i,
but i’ll never leave you,
i’m here if you need me.

you’re the el to my mike
and my friends might laugh
because i’m so cheesy,
but friends never lie,
so let me tell the truth:
i’ll give all my love to you.

promise.

3. lips are saved

we’re all too eager
to have that first kiss
and we’ll take it
regardless of the human
on the other end.
we see those
in seventh and eight grade,
lips locked together,
others made fun of because
they haven’t felt that.
kissed less at 19
than some have at 14.
hell, 19 hasn’t kissed at all.

because his lips are saved.

saved for the one
that steals his heart,
not just the first girl
to look him in the eye
and say “kiss me.”
no, his lips are for the one
that he gets to know,
sees as something more
than a pretty face,
the one that
wants to be with him,
sees the best in him,
looks past his flaws
because she needs him.

and he needs her too.

but he’s in no rush
to pluck one off the street,
he’s got his life ahead of him,
and so what
if he hasn’t had a kiss yet?
there’s too much to be happy about
for him to worry
about something so minuscule.
too much magic to make,
too much love to spread,
and one day
19 will meet the one
that he will fall for
and the love will be endless.

he’s excited about it.

2. birds

one simple school day,

didn’t see many things special…

well except for the birds.

they were flying all over the place,

around campus,

on the train,

in the street,

even on my phone,

and my computer,

it’s hard to dodge.

they held hands,

kissed,

hugged,

laughed,

they were happy,

madly in love,

and i’d be lying if i said

i didn’t want love like that,

i can’t say i don’t long

to hold you in my arms

and call you mine,

but i wonder,

am i ready?

they say to love others,

you must love yourself,

and i most certainly do,

but do i love myself too much?

do i come on too strong?

am i too honest for my own good?

“i like you,”

should i drop it like that?

give it to them right away?

it’s really tough

when you’re a wimp like me

in search of her.

remember that volcano

from the pixar short?

what was it called again?…

lava, that’s the one.

he sang for years

to the one he loved,

but she couldn’t hear

because she was underwater?

i feel that,

that volcano is me.

those nights in my basement

just blasting sad songs,

will she ever hear them?

is she, too, underwater?

when will she come out?

will i be like the volcano

and not find love until

i’m about to drown?

because we don’t grow back like him,

so that love won’t last long.

i’m being really mushy

and some might cry “unoriginal”

but i want to meet her,

and i want her to be the one,

but apparently,

me doesn’t want me

to get into that yet.

ah well,

i’ve waited 19 years

and still haven’t locked lips,

what bad will a few more be?

i promise, i can wait.

1. five different ways

i’ve always wondered,

how can one say

“i love you”

in five different ways

without getting called

“trite?”

how can you

show your affection

without feeling like

you wrote down

the exact same thing?

it’s a challenge i wanted to take,

because everyone needs

some of it.

we live in too much hate

and we feel too much anger,

what’s wrong with a little love?

and it didn’t help me

that when i first got

into this stuff,

i only brought up

the bad in the world,

the bad in myself,

the side of me that

no one really wants to see,

they want me to smile,

they want me to be happy with life,

“happy matt’s a good guy,

he should stick around for the show,

i’d love to know him a bit more.”

so why don’t we

forget all the hate,

just for a minute?

why don’t we go

and tell someone

they mean the world to us?

we don’t have that long

on this earth,

time flashes in an instant,

we might as well

enjoy that time

that someone has given to us,

and love is the first step.

let’s try to say

“i love you”

in five different ways

without any fear

of being repetitive.

well, one down…

all my love preface

my next poetry project is called "all my love." this one was a "mini-album" that would hold over until my next full-length "album." with this one, after "freedom of the verse" was more moody and sad, i wanted to see if i could write an album entirely about love. i wanted it to be a bit happier than the last, and love seemed like the perfect topic to talk about. here's what each poem is like:

1. five different ways - here, i address the question of "is it possible to say 'i love you' across multiple poems without feeling like you're treading the exact same ground?" this was one of the last ones i wrote for the "mini-album," and i knew from the jump i wanted it to be the starter.

2. birds - a story about an onlooker observing others being in love, told through "birds." it plays on the term "lovebirds," and our onlooker watches the "birds" and yearns for the same amount of love.

3. lips are saved - this poem discusses the stigma of having a first kiss. a 19-year old has kissed less people than a 14-year old, but he's not bothered by it because he's abstaining until he finds the right person to kiss.

4. you - another poem written about the person i had a crush on. it talks about being shamelessly in love and being able to fully acknowledge that love.

5. if you're reading this, i love you - i dropped this phrase across my social medias, and this poem doesn't discuss "love" in regards to relationships: it discusses love in regards to genuinely caring for others. it talks about loving the people in your life that are genuinely good, kind-hearted people.

half baked

remember when i wrote that poem
where i randomly capitalized letters
and they formed a Hidden message?

it was pretty Exciting stuff,
but now i Look back
and i Probably wouldn’t do it again.

but Maybe it’s just not for me,
Exactly why i did it, i don’t know,
it’s Possible that i was
just Looking to do something
more Exciting than just
writing About a feeling
or, like, Something
written by Everybody.

but I
don’t Need
anything Extra to help me
go off and Eat while i
write these Dumb little poems
that no one will See,
scroll past and just Leave…
i’m talking about the Exact same thing
that i talk about almost Every day.
i guess it must be really Pertinent in my life.

GOOD NIGHT

10. break

well, here we are.
thousands of words
in just over a month, huh?
a lot of different places, too,
some darker than others,
but what a ride it was.
i gained a lot
but lost some, too.
i lost myself,
fell to my worst,
but writing saved me.
i could’ve gone further
if it wasn’t for poetry
being my drug.
and so what
if no one read it?
leaving my imprint
and getting it out
was more important
than the arbitrary “like.”
the world changes around me,
life inspires art,
and my life changed
over such a short time.
i coped through
the written word,
i spoke through my joy,
my frustrations,
my sadness,
and i went down different paths,
all necessary
to get to where i am today.
i’m finally happy,
i’m where i want to be,
no more sadness,
gone is my stress,
the best days are here,
and i’m loving them all.
poetry is just
one of my joys
and i’m glad i had it.

i think a nice break is in order.

9. career

so that’s what it’s like
to be dropped like it’s hot.
3 weeks
and i haven’t heard a peep.

i expected a call,
it’s the least you could do.
after all,
the cops were inside,
word-of-mouth said there was a gun,
he was up in my face,
i feared for my life,
shed tears in the back,
but i got out of dodge.
and after all the good times,
good things that you said,
“valuable asset to the team”
my ass.

you’re only loved,
if you go all the way up,
here’s a card
as we send you on your way!
but not me,
hell, i didn’t get a call
asking if i was okay.
almost 9 months
just pissed down the drain,
now i understand
why they talk behind your back.

always thought you were caring,
a good one all-around,
but it was part of your act
just to get me to stay,
spiral down further
in my mental state.
true colors were exposed,
and we’re just statistics,
we’re replaceable
you probably forgot my existence.
just like everything else
that you forgot all the time,
need to talk? days off?
“oh whoops, slipped my mind!”

shit, i’m writing rhythmic again.
i don’t do that anymore,
but it comes to my brain,
because i can’t help but ask,
why didn’t i hear from you?
the emotional stress
was too much to take,
pushed over the ledge,
no i’m not coming back.

seems like you don’t care,
“fuck your feelings, matt,
there’s other college kids
that’ll go right in your spot.”
and i’ll have you know
i didn’t find everything okay,
because bullshit wasn’t on my
shopping list.

i did what i could
and i tried my best
and i wasn’t perfect,
but i owned my mistakes.
leaving was not one of those,
but not hearing from you
after i was promised a call,
now that’s a mistake
that hasn’t been owned.
after almost 9 months,
i think i deserved better,
but you have your plans
and i have mine, too,
so thanks for letting me help
you to throw me away.

good luck to everyone else.

8. happy matt's back

you miss me?
yeah, i did too.
i was off in a dark place,
not sure what to think.
life just got me down,
overthinking was destroying me,
slowly but surely,
i was heading where i didn’t want to go.

and i’ll admit,
i’m still tired,
there’s still some things
that need to be done,
some changes to make,
but i’ll do what i do,
because i’m where i want to be,
i’m stress-free,
and best of all,
i’m happy.
they say you gotta hit rock bottom
to know how it feels,
and i was right there,
my lowest possible point.

the positivity wasn’t there,
the pessimist came out,
i wasn’t myself,
and you can tell.
but i just needed time
to breathe,
to stay calm,
to motivate myself,
to look on the bright side,
and know that it’ll be alright.

i had people,
they helped me out,
they kept me happy,
made me smile,
brought out the laughs,
lifted me up
when the world wanted me down,
and they might never know
how much they helped,
but thank you guys
for bringing me back
and keeping me strong.

happy matt’s back.

7. no likes

fuck those rhymes.
all just cheesy shit,
not from the heart,
first thing to pop up
and i jot down
this ridiculous plot
where a bunch of random words
just happen to make sense.
do the words i write
really have meaning
when they’re thrown together like that?

why do you think i changed my game?
can’t just keep rhyming words
and thinking i’m being clever
when all i’m doing
is writing nonsense
that no one will read.
and the few that do read it
will just think i’m a clone
of a man we call slim
and i’m not trying to be shady
‘cause he’s on another level
that i’ll never match.

because i’m not him.

free-verse gives me a better platform
to have some clarity,
to be honest,
to be real,
to share my emotions,
to be unapologetically me,
and, for once in my life,
not follow the rules.

we express ourselves differently.
i could write paragraphs about this,
but poetry feels right.
and even still,
very few will read these words,
but that’s okay.
i’m the founder of the “no likes club,”
so what’s one more post
with zero likes
gonna do to me?

well…

6. my dear

you grabbed my heart and never let go.
how you went from friend to crush in a year i’ll never know.
you won me over, you were so perfect.
your good intentions, your sweetness, your purity,
i was drawn in.

we were just kids making some films,
loving art, loving life,
and then you got me,
one magical night
was all it took.

i fell for you,
you were beautiful,
inside and out,
those beautiful eyes,
your perfect smile,
your gorgeous hair,
your lovely voice,
your heart of gold.
pure perfection.

but could it be a fluke?
was it the heat of the moment?
did i really like you that much?
weren’t you just a friend?
how could i know if my heart
was playing tricks?

one more night
was what it took.
make special plans once more,
see if this was how i felt,
or if my heart was just being funny.

it wasn’t.

i did it.
i fell in love.
i never thought i would.
i’ve had crushes before,
but none as big as this.
everything about you
was wonderful,
not a single flaw, and that’s hard to do.
i loved you.
i’d never thought about relationships before,
i didn’t want to commit,
there was too much stress,
i never found the right person,

so i thought.
it just turns out that the right person
was there all along.
i just didn’t see it.
but then i felt it,
you were the one,
you brought me happiness in ways
few others have before.

i loved you so much.

but you weren’t ready,
you didn’t want to commit,
you didn’t want a relationship yet,
and that’s fine,
i’m glad we’re still friends,
and things have stayed strong.

but i still shake
and my heart still races
when i see you around.
and i might be a wimp
but even a “hello”
gets me nervous.
i still feel the same,
but i have to respect your space,
because we’re friends,
and i don’t want to lose what we have.

but i want you to know,
more than anything else,
i love you so,
and i’ll wait until the end of the world
for you to be ready.
i’ll give my heart to no one
other than you
and if i have to wait forever,
i’ll wait right here,

my dear.

5. me too

i need my space.
when i say “don’t touch,”
you fucking listen.
how many more times
do i have to say that
no means no
until you get that
there’s an issue?

what the hell
goes through your mind
when you force someone
into sex
when that’s not what they want?
how do you sleep at night
knowing that you made someone
feel unsafe,
uncomfortable,
petrified,
and all for self-gain,
so you could brag to your friend
and tell ‘em, “yeah i touched them!”
was it that nice of a touch
that you need to tell the world?

think of it yourself,
what if someone touched you there
and you didn’t want them to?
think if you
had to be thrown into a bed
and sexed without a thought
of whether you wanted it,
how would it feel?
pretty shitty, huh?

grab ‘em by the pussy,
you can do anything,
but why the fuck would you?
did you ever stop to think
if they wanted that?
before you moved on her like a bitch,
did you use your brain?
did you ask yourself
if her husband would’ve liked that?

if you even think
that this isn’t a problem,
reevaluate your life,
think about someone other
than yourself,
don’t be so fucking jaded,
because sexual assault
and harassment is real.

we live in a world
where people feel shocked
that they’ve never been
harassed or assaulted
in such a way during their lives.
if that’s not enough
to wake you up,
there’s no fucking hope
for you.

everyone else,
we have to be there
for those that have suffered,
we need to comfort them,
we need to let them know
that they’ll be okay,
and i’m not sure
how or if
we can stop this,
but at least we can try,
and self-control is the first step.

the next is consent.

#NoMeansNo #MeToo

4. blood

bodies
spread across the floor,
the blood was splattered,
the damage was done.

killed by a man,
his heart black as night,
his soul never to be cleansed,
50 gone, all for what?
the hate destroyed him,
innocent lives taken,
all just wanted love,
peace, music, happiness,
now there’s none of that.

there’s only anger,
frustration,
disgust,
how could you?
a music festival,
a time for magic
ending in death.
this isn’t the first time,
but it needs to be the last.

stop the shooting,
stop the hate,
stop the violence,
stop the killing,
stop the anger,
stop the guns.

the world is too angry,
it can’t stay like this,
we can’t continue to hate
we have to learn to love.

put yourself in the shoes
of the people in vegas
who are mourning the deaths
of their family members,
best friends, loved ones
that died from the gun,
and realize
that this violence
needs to stop.

#PrayForLasVegas

3. picture this

picture this:

a world of love,
all of us getting along,
less arguing,
less hatred.

yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.

imagine a world
where we don’t let politics
get in the way of our opinions
on one another.

yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.

picture a world
where we don’t have to worry
about that two-sided shit
because we’ve found a middle ground.

yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.

think of a world
where we’re less judgmental,
where our differences don’t matter
and we love one another.

ohhh, wouldn’t that be nice.

now picture this:

a world of hate
where we don’t agree
on anything,
where we hurt
one another,
only care about ourselves
and try to kill,
hate for being different,
tell other people
to end their lives,
fight over petty shit,
deny the problems
and act like everything
is totally fine
when it’s totally not,
because that’s our world
at this very moment,
too much hate,
too much anger,
too much negativity,
too much fighting
in a world where
even a physical difference
is enough to cause hate
and i say hate
a lot because
that’s what it is,
hate hate hate
from people
who know nothing
but anger
and HATE.

man, doesn’t that suck.

2. too much hate

saturday morning,
i slept through your call,
and it’s still my biggest regret.
you went into school yesterday
wearing a hoodie,
a dress code violation.
the principal asked you to take the hood off
but you refused.

you didn’t want to show the secret.

i was scared,
what is she hiding?
i texted you,
but no response,
you didn’t even read it.
i worried for the night,
i called you,
texted you,
facebook messaged you,
anything i could do
just to hear you say,
“don’t worry, matt, i’m fine.”
but i got nothing.

until the next morning.
when i woke up to a voicemail.

“hey matt, i’m sorry i worried you.
you don’t have to be scared,
because i’ll be gone by the time you hear this.
i wore my hoodie yesterday because i had a belt around my neck.
i was waiting for the right moment,
i’m going to kill myself.
i’m so thankful for you and all you’ve done for me,
but no one else loves me,
no one else is really here for me,
not even my family.
don’t be scared, i won’t bother you anymore.”

i ran out of my house,
still in my pajamas.
i didn’t even put shoes on,
i had to talk to you
i got to your house,
and as the old story goes,
the door was locked and i had to knock it down.

there you were,
laying on the floor.
it was too late.
the belt firmly tightened around your neck.
your heart wasn’t beating,
there was no pulse,
you were dead.

no one loved you like i did,
the hate was too strong,
and it drove you to the edge.
it took your innocence,
it wiped your beautiful smile,
and worst of all, it ended your life.
the one i loved, the one i pined for,
was gone.

why is this world so angry?
why is there so much hate?
why do we say “drink bleach?”
why do we tell others to take their lives?
why did you all take her away from me?
i loved her more than anything,
but you fuckers killed her.

now i’ll never experience true love again.

1. my demons

the overthinking returns,
it just never seems to leave.
the smallest things worry me,
and they really shouldn’t,
but i can’t help myself.

i dwell on the hypotheticals,
some good, some bad,
but mostly the sad,
and i don’t want to imagine
such bad thoughts,
because i’m trying to spread positivity,
make the world happy,
bring joy to my friends,
but i scare myself.

“am i a bother?”
“do they not want me around?”
“is my positivity fake?”
“can i really be happy
when my thoughts bother me so?”

and i can’t just “not think about them,”
because they stick with me,
they bring me down,
they make me lazy.
you can’t just “stop thinking,”
if it was that easy, would i be writing?

i guess i just have to deal with it,
try my best to be happy,
stay optimistic about life,
though the demons may haunt me,
i have people in life
that will help me get through the pain,
and i know it’ll never go away,
but i’ll battle through it
and everything will be okay.

just don’t leave me, please.

freedom of the verse preface

so, before i post my poems on here, i'd like to let you guys know that, as i write sets of poems, i like to compile them into fake "albums." i just use my own pictures and make fake "tracklists" and whatnot, because it's kind of fun. what i'm going to do from here on out is, before i post each "album" on here, i'll post the "front and back covers" that i make and talk a little bit about each album and poem in general. let's start with this one, "freedom of the verse."

"freedom of the verse," released in october, was my first free-verse poetry album. i used to write more "rhythmic" poetry in my free time, but now i look back on those old poems and i don't really like them that much. writing in free-verse was something i got a bit more excited about, as it gave me more creativity to not feel "forced" when writing. when i would write "rhythmic" poems, i would literally just think of the first line and go with what rhymed afterward. writing in free-verse now gives me more of an ability to just write what comes to mind.

a lot of the poems on this "album" deal with more dark, occasionally moody topics, as i was not exactly feeling like my usual happy self while writing a lot of these poems. i don't often show this more sad side of myself to others, so writing these poems allowed me to kind of show a side of me some aren't really used to. here's a rundown of each poem, with a short summary as to what they are about.

1. my demons - i tend to overthink a lot, no matter what the situation is. this is occasionally a recipe for disaster, as it leads me to feel lazy and it kills my mood. i talk a little about that in this poem.

2. too much hate - this was a fictional story about suicide. some of it was inspired by an old friend of mine that very nearly committed suicide, but didn't actually do it. the story features a character feeling angry that a girl, who he had fallen in love with, killed herself because she was bullied by others and not accepted by her family. it was one that was really tough for me to write.

3. picture this - in this one, i talk a lot about the hate that exists in our world today. i wanted to make others imagine a world where everyone got along, regardless of who we are, and then paint a picture of a world where we do nothing but aimlessly hate one another.

4. blood - i wrote this one about the mass shooting that occurred in the las vegas strip on october 1st, 2017. i wrote it as a way of explaining that the violence in our world needs to stop, and that we need to stop the killing and stop the hatred.

5. me too - in the wake of several sexual assault/harassment scandals going around hollywood, there was a trend where people were encouraged to post "me too" as a way of showing that sexual assault and harassment is a very real issue. much like "blood," life inspired my poems.

6. my dear - this was the first free-verse poem that i wrote. it was written about a girl that i had a crush on. i very rarely develop romantic feelings for others, but the girl this poem is about is really special to me, and i talk a little bit about us here.

7. no likes - here, i talk about how i switched from writing "rhythmic" poems to writing free-verse poems and talk about how, even despite the fact that i don't often get "likes" on a lot of my posts, i'm still motivated to keep doing what i'm doing.

8. happy matt's back - after a long time of just not feeling like myself, this poem was basically my way of saying that i was finally starting to feel happy again. in it, i thanked the people that helped me to stay strong and keep trying my best, no matter how hard life got me down.

9. career - this one was honestly a little tough to write: in october of 2017, i had just quit my part-time job that i had worked at for almost 9 months. i won't go into full detail for personal reasons, but at the time, the job had been stressing me out emotionally and, one night, some rather scary events occurred inside the store that pushed me to my breaking point and made me say, "that's it, no more." however, that night, after quitting, the manager on duty (who, by the way, was very kind and understanding about the whole thing) told me that my store manager would call me about the whole thing the next day. as of this writing, it's been a little over a month and a half since i quit and i haven't gotten that call. in fact, i haven't heard a peep from my manager, despite being told i would hear from him. i was a bit angry about this, as i had felt like the lack of even a proper goodbye made those nearly 9 months worthless, and i wrote a poem detailing my frustrations.

10. break - as the last poem on the album, i purposely wrote this one with the intention of making it a shorter poem that felt more like a reflection on everything i had written. i ended off the poem by saying how happy writing had made me, but that i would be taking a short break from writing poems. the break lasted for about a month, i believe.