i don't wanna lose you

i look around and
i start wondering
where everyone
went, feeling like
i’m all on my own,
no one wants me.
stuck in this zone,
it’s lonely and cold,
world turns away
and everyone will
follow on with it.

but i don’t wanna lose you.

since they all
want to leave,
i just want to
know that you
will be the one
to stay with me.
please, i’m here
and i don’t feel
great right now,
feeling like i can’t
do this all alone.
i can’t keep going
on my lonesome.

tell me that you’ll
be by my side, and
help me keep up the
work i’ve been doing.
need help, not harm,
positive, no negative,
just stick with me and
tell me you won’t leave.
when they all go away,
tell me you won’t follow,
need all i can get now,
don’t give up on me.

just please stay with me.

afraid

i had someone ask me
if there’s anything that
doesn’t make me afraid.
you’d think that i’d hate it,
but as a writer, i’d happen
to be the the most afraid.
be lying if i told you that
i’m never scared. shame?
nah, this is just how it goes,
second-thoughts about all
that i ever put out, and i’m
used to it because fear is
all that i feel these days.

even when i’m happy,
i’m scared, i feel like
i might lose you, or
that i’ll lose all this.
my creativity will die
like a flash of light,
and i already feel
like it’s happening,
february 2019, first
month where i didn’t
put out a full-length
album in over a year,
what a time it’s been,
haven’t worked on 21,
where will i take this?

back to feeling like
i’m losing my friends,
people i care about
started heading out,
got me feeling like
i’m not enough now.
right behind them,
my inspiration goes,
and i’m stuck here
letting fear take me.
i wanna smile, but
instead, i struggle,
all i want now is to
have my spark back.

is that too much to ask?

you're weird

you’re strange.

you’re bizarre.

you’re not like
everyone else.

you’re different.

you’re odd.

you’re weird.

but what’s wrong
with being weird?

we’re all weird.

if you’re not weird,
you’re not living.

no one isn’t weird.

some are scared
to admit it, though.

they all want to
seem normal.

but what is normal?

no one is normal.

everyone’s weird.

why are some people
scared to be weird?

don’t be afraid.

just enjoy it.

tell it to yourself.

it’s not gonna hurt.

“you’re weird.”

since you left

saw you the other day,
arm wrapped around
another lover, and it
hurt me, as i thought
back to when it was
you and i together.
i miss what we were,
pain never goes away,
i wish everyday to go
back to april and may,
shit has hardly been the
same since, i would say.

i could move on with
another, i’m well aware,
but they don’t compare
to you in the slightest,
they’d love to have me,
but the attention feels
empty when it’s not you,
it just doesn’t match up.
tried and tried but i just
end up back in this rut,
longing and hoping, but
it’ll never happen again.

every love brings me
back where i started,
falling too far to the
point of hurt, and i
guess that’s why i
hardened, started
acting more distant,
i’m awkward and i’m
scared to talk about it.
i miss it all, and there’s
nothing to fill the void
that was left before.

love hurts.

5. i am no longer creative

i am no longer creative.

i am drained.

i am not ready.

i have so much to do.

i can’t do it.

i’m not creative enough.

i’ll never do it.

i’ll never improve.

i’m at a breaking point.

i’m really pushing.

it hurts to try harder.

they made me hate it.

they breathe down my neck.

i am uncomfortable.

i am done.

i am no longer creative.

3. sex

sex is power.

sex is what sells.

i only want sex.

i only want your body.

put your body
up against mine.

let’s get sweaty.

this is what keeps
our relationship alive.

we fight and argue.

but we fix it
in the bedroom.

you yell and i yell.

but we stay in it
because sex sells.

why can’t we work out
when we’re not fucking?

just give it to me harder.

keep riding along.

it’s the only joy we
find in each other.

fuck me.

4. it doesn't matter

it doesn’t matter.

who cares
where we are?

who cares
what they think?

who cares
about ferraris?

who cares
about dollars?

who cares
about chains?

who cares
about mansions?

materialism.

it’s a temporary joy.

it’s gone as soon
as it comes over.

it breaks us.

it ruins us.

everyone’s jealous.

i have more than them.

but i don’t have them.

it’s empty since
you went away.

i’d give the money
back to have you.

it doesn’t matter.

2. disney movies

i wanna watch disney movies.

they represent the world.

they’re perfect.

they’re machines.

they rope us in.

they never let us out.

they take our attention.

they’re our clothes.

they’re our houses.

they’re our friends.

they’re our enemies.

they take our cash.

more and more by the day.

disney movies make us.

disney movies break us.

but we still love them.

1. zombies

zombies keep attacking.

i can’t sleep because
they’re coming for me.

they want to take
me from my bed.

they want me
to be scared.

they like that
i’m paranoid.

they like that i’m
always nervous.

they feast on my
happy thoughts.

they take over.

they help create
my unhappiness.

they hide when
i’m with others.

they come back
when i’m alone.

they just came in.

someone save me.

not creative preface

i wrote a new mini-album. it's called "not creative," because i'm not creative.

1. zombies

2. disney movies

3. sex

4. it doesn't matter

5. i am no longer creative

what a time

it’s been a ride.

moving in a lot of
different ways as
i swerve through
this mess of a life.
had great times
and rough ones,
life never knows
if i should be up
or down, and i’d
spent some time
praying to a God
that i wasn’t even
sure was listening,
stopped my praying
but still don’t know
what to think of him.

prayed for moments
that never happened,
the ones that i loved
wanted none of me,
bet they still don’t and
i wouldn’t know what
to say if they read this.
mom and pop talk up
how they want me to
find someone amazing,
but how do i tell them
i’m stuck, only wanting
the ones i’ll never have?
they say when you love,
everyone else becomes
less interesting, just as
boring as they probably
see me at this point now.

but that’s life for ya.
hits where it hurts,
and sometimes it’s
hard to get up, once
feared i would never
get myself up, but i’m
working towards that.
every day i’m trying
to see that better me,
the king i claim to be,
extra extra, read all
about it, he’s gonna
make the book a hit,
how he made all this,
embracing the scars,
it’s the poetry so far.

what a time.

a quiet night

it’s as calming
as it is frightful.
the street is as
intimidating as
it is peaceful,
and i only hear
myself, walking,
deeply breathing
as i make my way
back home tonight.

the dead of night
and quiet air make
me think of isolation.
the lonely life i lead
and the disconnect
i feel from it all, my
family and friends,
i feel out of place,
stuck in the wrong
world, wanting to
wake up and feel
like i really belong.

but instead, here
i walk in the night,
i should fear it but
it’s the only place
where i feel right.
out all on my own,
my thoughts and i,
nobody else here.
the only time that
i’m unafraid comes
when i shouldn’t be.
wish i could stay out
all night and stare at
the beautiful dark sky.

it’s the only way i’d find peace.

the man who loves too hard

it’s one of those
late nights, i’m
all alone, and i
sit and listen to
all the sad songs.
stuck in my head
is the one called
“the man who
can’t be moved.”
beautiful script,
a man who loves
so much, and just
wants them back.

i feel it too hard, i
dove in too deep,
more times than i
really should’ve,
and here i stay,
stuck to myself,
because i loved
to the point that
i didn’t prepare
myself for all the
pain, the broken
heart that can’t
heal so quickly.

and now i watch
and realize that
i’ll never be the
one they end up
in the embrace of.
thought they could
never find someone
like me, but i realize
after all that i’ll never
find anyone like them.
but that’s my story, i’m
forever and always the
man who loves too hard,
hides pain behind a smile
and prays it’ll all be okay.

“i wanna wake up in 2013.”